Thursday, May , 2009

Dear Granna,

It has been entirely too long since I have last written you. When I look back at my letters I see I have been away from you for over a month. So much has happened. I have fallen into a place of darkness and I am clawing at my way to get out.

I lost my job.

I have no money.

Unemployment was denied.

No matter how many places I send my resume to, there are no calls back.

I am scared.

All of these things have driven me to such a dangerous place that I lay down in bed nights, my cheeks raw from crying, hoping, praying that I wont wake up the next morning. Life shouldn't be this hard. Mom calls me weak. Says that you would be ashamed of me for being this way, but when you have no hope, what else is there? It's like I have given up on everything. I don't even have it in me to be positive anymore. Since I lost my job (I was terminated and am currently fighting with the government for unemployment) I just feel useless. Sometimes our jobs define who we are, and without work, without income, without that safety, I feel like I am nothing.

I know I should stay positive. When you're rock bottom, things can only get better, but every time I think I am at the bottom, there always seems to be another ledge to fall down. I've lost my strength again because of this horrible blow to my weakness, and I am ashamed that I keep thinking of a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just put my shoulders back and be positive? When the credit card companies are calling me at nine o'clock at night because I haven't made my payment, I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like I have failed. This isn't the life I am supposed to have.

There is no plan anymore. I don't want to be an attorney. I don't want to have to go through this same bullshit again and again fighting through office politics with bastards who would sooner stab you in the back than help you. I'm trying to write again, but it is coming out weak. Mom thinks I would make a good nurse, but I can't stand to see people in pain. So I am so lost. And alone. I have just retracted into myself and keep hiding, hoping things will get better. Pray that I will get a break for a change. Something will work out.

And every morning when I wake up, nothing has changed. I just want something to change. I have nothing, Granna. Every time someone offers to help me, I get that feeling again. That I have failed in life. That I don't deserve to even be living it. And it is horrible. I am fighting this weakness the best I can. Trying to keep my eyes on the horizon, trying to regain some hope that everything will be alright... It is just hard. I just need something positive. Something good to focus on to and I can't find it. I can't find anything. It feels like my friends are abandoning me, I don't have anything to love or to love me, my family thinks I'm worthless... You can only take so much pain in life.

Please, please tell me it will get better. Tell me everything will be fine. That I wont be worthless forever. I just want to be me again.

Kim