Dear Granna,
I can't believe the holiday season is here. I don't know what happened to me, but I can't get in the spirit anymore. I used to get excited about Christmas and presents and everything, but lately... I don't know. It just reminds me how I don't have anyone to really celebrate Christmas with. Being the only "single" one in the family, with no one I am dating, no long term partner, no one to wake up with... I guess it just loses the appeal. Don't get me wrong, I like spending time with my family, but it's not the same as waking up in someone's arm and whispering "Merry Christmas," or jumping up and down on a bed and claiming that Santa came. I'm sure I'll have passion for it again someday when I have my own children waiting for Santa, but right now... I don't know, I don't know how to pep myself up.
I have been trying to take care of life lately, get things back in order... My drugs aren't helping me stay stable, so I'm trying to get in to see a Psychiatrist and hopefully get some therapy to help me deal with my unrequited love situation, my abandonment issues, the whole deal. So if I can get my drugs worked out, then therapy should be easy. I know what I need to work on, I just need help making it happen. There's just so many things I haven't accomplished yet and it makes me disappointed in myself. I don't have a career. I don't have a house or a husband. I don't have any children. And Jen makes sure to remind me every time she sees me of my failures. Is it too much to ask to be supported by your family? Instead of beaten while you're down? I'm trying my best. This world is not as easy to survive in as everyone thinks it is. I'm equally as unhappy that I am a failure, why do I have to be reminded constantly? I get it. Everyone expected great things out of me and I disappointed them all.
Trying to stay positive. Trying not to be desperately in love with someone who opens up to me then shuts me out in a violent way. Trying to accomplish more for myself and use my education. And doing it all alone... That is the one aspect of my life that I can't change... even though I try my best, it just seems like no matter what I do, I always end up back alone. How did you do it?
Kim
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Dear Granna,
It never ceases to amaze me when you consider someone your friend, and then suddenly they become your worst enemy. Let me correct that, suddenly -I- become their worst enemy. You know me, you know I am a good person, I do things for people that put myself in debt, I drain myself emotionally and physically trying to make other people happy, and every time I do that, down the road, their use for me is up, and I become the bad guy. It never ends. The one person I tried to hold on to, tried to help, support, love, care for, motivate... She decided that I am not worth anything. It all stemmed from me trying to get my computer back that I loaned her out of the goodness of my heart because she was struggling in school and her broke. Two months later, I am still fighting to get it back, but she was making excuses, ignoring me, not showing up to designated places when she said she would bring it to me -- I finally had enough. I went to her house, opened her bedroom door and woke her up, taking back what is mine, and delivering back clothes she had given me, which she claims she had only loaned me. Sadly, I missed a couple items because I wasn't quite thorough enough, and suddenly, true colors begin to show.
She accuses me of holding her clothes ransom, trying to steal from her, being deceitful, being a liar, being the devil. I told her I would mail her her belonging, or leave them out for her to retrieve, to which she didn't respond. How am I the enemy here? It was not my intention to take anything from her. Unlike her intention of trying to keep what was mine and waiting for me to throw my arms up in frustration. Why is it when I start standing up for myself, that people always have to blow up and become bigger monsters?
Regardless, I don't know how to resolve this. If I mail it, I can track it, make sure it is delivered and be done with it. If I leave it out, it potentially can be stolen, and then who is the bad guy again? She is acting like a child. Like someone just kicked sand in her face and she's going to pick up her toys and go somewhere else to play.
I am getting too old for this. I am focusing on two jobs right now, trying to get my life balanced out, pay down some debt, stand on my two feet again and get ahead... And people have to piss all over me because they can't accomplish what I can. It's tiring. Disappointing. The fact that people like that even exist make me sad, and cold. It makes me not want to trust or open up to anyone ever again. Because it always ends up the same. Someone is going to take advantage of me and hurt me, even though I do everything to please them. I'm tired of trying to please people and just getting hurt. Maybe I should cling to being alone, I just don't like it. I like sharing my life with people, but it is a shame that none of them are worth it. My friends I can count on one hand, and even then, I don't know to what extent our friendship extends. I guess I should just stop hoping and expecting people to be good.
I'm sorry for not writing sooner. Things have been busy. I have been struggling. But that is life, isn't it? One big struggle. I'm waiting for something good to happen for me... All of the things I want always seem just a hair too far from me. It's like I can almost reach them, but my fingers are just not long enough to grasp it. Instead I brush against it and knock it back further.
Will it ever get easier?
Kim
It never ceases to amaze me when you consider someone your friend, and then suddenly they become your worst enemy. Let me correct that, suddenly -I- become their worst enemy. You know me, you know I am a good person, I do things for people that put myself in debt, I drain myself emotionally and physically trying to make other people happy, and every time I do that, down the road, their use for me is up, and I become the bad guy. It never ends. The one person I tried to hold on to, tried to help, support, love, care for, motivate... She decided that I am not worth anything. It all stemmed from me trying to get my computer back that I loaned her out of the goodness of my heart because she was struggling in school and her broke. Two months later, I am still fighting to get it back, but she was making excuses, ignoring me, not showing up to designated places when she said she would bring it to me -- I finally had enough. I went to her house, opened her bedroom door and woke her up, taking back what is mine, and delivering back clothes she had given me, which she claims she had only loaned me. Sadly, I missed a couple items because I wasn't quite thorough enough, and suddenly, true colors begin to show.
She accuses me of holding her clothes ransom, trying to steal from her, being deceitful, being a liar, being the devil. I told her I would mail her her belonging, or leave them out for her to retrieve, to which she didn't respond. How am I the enemy here? It was not my intention to take anything from her. Unlike her intention of trying to keep what was mine and waiting for me to throw my arms up in frustration. Why is it when I start standing up for myself, that people always have to blow up and become bigger monsters?
Regardless, I don't know how to resolve this. If I mail it, I can track it, make sure it is delivered and be done with it. If I leave it out, it potentially can be stolen, and then who is the bad guy again? She is acting like a child. Like someone just kicked sand in her face and she's going to pick up her toys and go somewhere else to play.
I am getting too old for this. I am focusing on two jobs right now, trying to get my life balanced out, pay down some debt, stand on my two feet again and get ahead... And people have to piss all over me because they can't accomplish what I can. It's tiring. Disappointing. The fact that people like that even exist make me sad, and cold. It makes me not want to trust or open up to anyone ever again. Because it always ends up the same. Someone is going to take advantage of me and hurt me, even though I do everything to please them. I'm tired of trying to please people and just getting hurt. Maybe I should cling to being alone, I just don't like it. I like sharing my life with people, but it is a shame that none of them are worth it. My friends I can count on one hand, and even then, I don't know to what extent our friendship extends. I guess I should just stop hoping and expecting people to be good.
I'm sorry for not writing sooner. Things have been busy. I have been struggling. But that is life, isn't it? One big struggle. I'm waiting for something good to happen for me... All of the things I want always seem just a hair too far from me. It's like I can almost reach them, but my fingers are just not long enough to grasp it. Instead I brush against it and knock it back further.
Will it ever get easier?
Kim
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Dear Granna,
I was just sitting outside thinking... Feeling jealous over the fact that Kyle has opened his heart to other women he knew he couldn't have/keep, and never trusted me enough to give it to me... And then I realized, it's not about him. It's about me. This whole experience has been about me. Some journey that I have been meant to take to strengthen me for the future. Loving Kyle has been the greatest adventure I have been on. It has helped me figure out what I want out of life, the type of person I want to be with, and ultimately that is going to make me a stronger woman and a better companion to who I end up settling down with. It may not be him. In my heart I ache for it to be him, but in the end, it just might not be him. Because this is a lesson in love. This is a lesson to love without question, to regain the heart that I have been missing for so long. To teach me to be patient and kind, through the ups and downs. To not fight the flow in which I am so prone to doing. We have had our shares of tears and laughter, fights and make-ups, nights holding each other in our arms, and nights pushing each other away. All of this has helped train me in how to communicate, how to grasp my own wants and needs, how to deal with my fears and sorrows. In a way, I fight myself every step of the way because I perceive this situation as a failure. A failure to get someone to love me, to prove myself to someone, but it's not a failure. Because it is my own choice to stay. I choose to stay. To love. To be there for someone, whether or not they choose to do the same. It is proof that the loving girl inside me hasn't been completely destroyed, and it is just going to take the right amount of time and coaxing to bring her out again, but she's still in there. I hid behind a mask of denial and pain for so long about my break-up with Nick. That there was something more I could do, and I tried to find someone to love me just as much as he did so I could prove to myself that it was worth it. But that's just it... I need to learn to love myself. It has been a hell of a journey, you know that, but I think slowly as I go I am learning to accept and love myself. To experience life with a friend who is teaching me, even though our feelings for one another are completely different. I am opening up my most intimate parts of myself to someone to teach me that it is okay to do that. That not everyone will run and hide when they find out what is inside me. Taking away the fears that someday, I will share my life, heart, and soul with someone completely.
Is that time coming soon? I don't know. There's still so much I have to work on. So much left to learn. So much love left to give. Life is about the journey. I'm walking a path that is making me stronger. And that's the best part, right?
Kim
I was just sitting outside thinking... Feeling jealous over the fact that Kyle has opened his heart to other women he knew he couldn't have/keep, and never trusted me enough to give it to me... And then I realized, it's not about him. It's about me. This whole experience has been about me. Some journey that I have been meant to take to strengthen me for the future. Loving Kyle has been the greatest adventure I have been on. It has helped me figure out what I want out of life, the type of person I want to be with, and ultimately that is going to make me a stronger woman and a better companion to who I end up settling down with. It may not be him. In my heart I ache for it to be him, but in the end, it just might not be him. Because this is a lesson in love. This is a lesson to love without question, to regain the heart that I have been missing for so long. To teach me to be patient and kind, through the ups and downs. To not fight the flow in which I am so prone to doing. We have had our shares of tears and laughter, fights and make-ups, nights holding each other in our arms, and nights pushing each other away. All of this has helped train me in how to communicate, how to grasp my own wants and needs, how to deal with my fears and sorrows. In a way, I fight myself every step of the way because I perceive this situation as a failure. A failure to get someone to love me, to prove myself to someone, but it's not a failure. Because it is my own choice to stay. I choose to stay. To love. To be there for someone, whether or not they choose to do the same. It is proof that the loving girl inside me hasn't been completely destroyed, and it is just going to take the right amount of time and coaxing to bring her out again, but she's still in there. I hid behind a mask of denial and pain for so long about my break-up with Nick. That there was something more I could do, and I tried to find someone to love me just as much as he did so I could prove to myself that it was worth it. But that's just it... I need to learn to love myself. It has been a hell of a journey, you know that, but I think slowly as I go I am learning to accept and love myself. To experience life with a friend who is teaching me, even though our feelings for one another are completely different. I am opening up my most intimate parts of myself to someone to teach me that it is okay to do that. That not everyone will run and hide when they find out what is inside me. Taking away the fears that someday, I will share my life, heart, and soul with someone completely.
Is that time coming soon? I don't know. There's still so much I have to work on. So much left to learn. So much love left to give. Life is about the journey. I'm walking a path that is making me stronger. And that's the best part, right?
Kim
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Dear Granna,
Time moves quickly, and slowly, when you think about it. Some moments you look back and go "where did the time go," and other moments, when you're living them, you can't wait for them to be over. August was... hard. Mostly because there were a few experiences that I don't think I will ever forget. The first one being my first car accident. Kyle and I, after spending a wonderful weekend together, were driving to go get something to BBQ while watching the football game... We were driving down El Camino Real, and a u-Haul truck was slowing to turn into a parking lot. The light was green, so I slowed to let him turn so I could drive around him and go straight. Before I know it, I look in my rear-view mirror to see a white truck barreling down on me. Having only seconds to react, I tried to turn the steering wheel to get out of the way, and then there was the impact. My mind is still clouded with what happened. I heard the squeal of his tires locking up, and then the impact of my car being forced into the u-Haul. The world became foggy and black and white when I regained consciousness, Kyle was telling me to put the car in park. I got out and my entire body was shaking, seeing the devastation that was the scene unfolding. My car sat crushed in the middle of the road, pieces of it scattered across the pavement.
My car. The thing I worked so hard to get. So hard to keep, and suddenly it was gone.
We dealt with the police, with the hospital, with insurance companies. It was a mess. My car was totaled. They gave me a cash settlement, but it would never replace the vehicle that I had been driving for four year. Mom was nice enough to sell me her Yaris. It's not the same. It gets from point A to point B, but I miss all the bells and whistles, knowing that I got this car on my own. It was one thing in my life that represented my independence that I wasn't a total loser and could afford something on my own. And it was yanked away. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of benefits to being in the accident. I got my loan paid off, so now I am going to save money each month and work on paying off my debt. It really put things into perspective on how life is so short and precious... Everyone was surprised I walked away without serious injury. For all intents and purposes, something should have broken, something should have been bleeding, I potentially could have died... But I walked away with some sprains, some bruises, potential damage to my neck and shoulder (I am going back to the doctor again to get it checked) but otherwise, nothing. I missed a week of work, and that was it.
Kyle was a good supporting shoulder the whole time. He wrapped his arms around me and protected me when I was scared, talked me through the panic attacks that ensued. It is good to know he'll be there for me when I need him... But I wish there was something more. I wish it wasn't just a game with him. That he could accept/admit his feelings for me and we could move forward. It wont happen. I have to keep telling myself that. Let go of my hope. Accept reality. It is just so hard when you've put two and a half years into someone, loved them without reserve, been there for them for every hardship and victory. He just doesn't love me back. It makes my heart ache. It makes my heart bleed. Waking up next to him, hearing him breathing, feeling his warm skin next to mine. But always having the longing. It is frustrating. After the accident his grandmother and his dog died within the same day... I was there for him. I took care of him. Just another of the many things I have done for him. And for what? Does he take it for granted?
Still trying to move on. Still trying to find a better companion. Everyone I go out with doesn't compare. I try to let go. I try to move on. My expectations are just so high, I know what I want and it is frustrating that I haven't found anyone to match me so well. The search continues however.
Needless to say, August was... well, it was. Just have to keep on trucking. Keep on living. That's the way it goes, isn't it?
Kim
Time moves quickly, and slowly, when you think about it. Some moments you look back and go "where did the time go," and other moments, when you're living them, you can't wait for them to be over. August was... hard. Mostly because there were a few experiences that I don't think I will ever forget. The first one being my first car accident. Kyle and I, after spending a wonderful weekend together, were driving to go get something to BBQ while watching the football game... We were driving down El Camino Real, and a u-Haul truck was slowing to turn into a parking lot. The light was green, so I slowed to let him turn so I could drive around him and go straight. Before I know it, I look in my rear-view mirror to see a white truck barreling down on me. Having only seconds to react, I tried to turn the steering wheel to get out of the way, and then there was the impact. My mind is still clouded with what happened. I heard the squeal of his tires locking up, and then the impact of my car being forced into the u-Haul. The world became foggy and black and white when I regained consciousness, Kyle was telling me to put the car in park. I got out and my entire body was shaking, seeing the devastation that was the scene unfolding. My car sat crushed in the middle of the road, pieces of it scattered across the pavement.
My car. The thing I worked so hard to get. So hard to keep, and suddenly it was gone.
We dealt with the police, with the hospital, with insurance companies. It was a mess. My car was totaled. They gave me a cash settlement, but it would never replace the vehicle that I had been driving for four year. Mom was nice enough to sell me her Yaris. It's not the same. It gets from point A to point B, but I miss all the bells and whistles, knowing that I got this car on my own. It was one thing in my life that represented my independence that I wasn't a total loser and could afford something on my own. And it was yanked away. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of benefits to being in the accident. I got my loan paid off, so now I am going to save money each month and work on paying off my debt. It really put things into perspective on how life is so short and precious... Everyone was surprised I walked away without serious injury. For all intents and purposes, something should have broken, something should have been bleeding, I potentially could have died... But I walked away with some sprains, some bruises, potential damage to my neck and shoulder (I am going back to the doctor again to get it checked) but otherwise, nothing. I missed a week of work, and that was it.
Kyle was a good supporting shoulder the whole time. He wrapped his arms around me and protected me when I was scared, talked me through the panic attacks that ensued. It is good to know he'll be there for me when I need him... But I wish there was something more. I wish it wasn't just a game with him. That he could accept/admit his feelings for me and we could move forward. It wont happen. I have to keep telling myself that. Let go of my hope. Accept reality. It is just so hard when you've put two and a half years into someone, loved them without reserve, been there for them for every hardship and victory. He just doesn't love me back. It makes my heart ache. It makes my heart bleed. Waking up next to him, hearing him breathing, feeling his warm skin next to mine. But always having the longing. It is frustrating. After the accident his grandmother and his dog died within the same day... I was there for him. I took care of him. Just another of the many things I have done for him. And for what? Does he take it for granted?
Still trying to move on. Still trying to find a better companion. Everyone I go out with doesn't compare. I try to let go. I try to move on. My expectations are just so high, I know what I want and it is frustrating that I haven't found anyone to match me so well. The search continues however.
Needless to say, August was... well, it was. Just have to keep on trucking. Keep on living. That's the way it goes, isn't it?
Kim
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Dear Granna,
It has been entirely too long since I have written you last. I guess I just have been busy, or ashamed of the things I have done that I didn't want to write to you about them. I don't know, I always have a tendency to complicate things.
You know about my relationship with Kyle. About how I don't think I will ever love anyone as desperately as I love him, and he'll always have a place in my heart... And I just wish for one moment he would let me in and feel what it is like to be truly loved without any reserve, but holding onto that is stupid. Because he is broken. And he is not willing to let me in or be loved by me. It's sad, really. I can't imagine life where you are scared to love. And then it happened to me. I started seeing a very wonderful guy who wants nothing more than to be with me, and I can't let him in. All of my fears just exploded out of me and I have to push back. It's not that I don't want to be happy, it's just... unknown. New. Why move on to something new when I can stay with Kyle and be in miserable comfort? I don't know what to do. I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to go out and be with other people so I feel what it is like to have a real working relationship, but my heart aches every time I think about never seeing Kyle again. I know I can still see him, as friends, but when I long to lay beside him and hear him breathing next to me when I sleep, or wake up in the morning to see his smirk... It just makes me wonder if I will ever feel that again with someone else.
I was in love with Jack. I wanted him desperately, mostly I guess because I couldn't have him. I still can't have him. He's on the other side of the world. Will he ever come home to me? I don't know. He wants to give me the life that I dream of. A home, a family... where we can escape... and just be together. But my heart can't handle the disappointment of not knowing if he is alive or dead every day. If he comes home, what then? Will I have established a new relationship or will I still be waiting?
I'm trying to get a new job, too. I'm worth so much more than this company pays me, and I am losing my mind and my hope every day when I come in. You know me, I like to stay busy, I like to work hard and play hard. Sitting around doing nothing is like some form of slow torture where I have to watch the clock tick by every day and wait for freedom. So we'll see if anything comes of it. I guess I have been searching for a new job for a long time, but the economy has been so bad I just haven't found anything. When people with JDs and PhDs are vying for the same jobs I am, it's impossible.
I miss you, Granna. I miss your strength and your kindness. Every day I feel further and further away from you and there's a tear in me that will never go away... Someday we'll be together again, right?
Kim
It has been entirely too long since I have written you last. I guess I just have been busy, or ashamed of the things I have done that I didn't want to write to you about them. I don't know, I always have a tendency to complicate things.
You know about my relationship with Kyle. About how I don't think I will ever love anyone as desperately as I love him, and he'll always have a place in my heart... And I just wish for one moment he would let me in and feel what it is like to be truly loved without any reserve, but holding onto that is stupid. Because he is broken. And he is not willing to let me in or be loved by me. It's sad, really. I can't imagine life where you are scared to love. And then it happened to me. I started seeing a very wonderful guy who wants nothing more than to be with me, and I can't let him in. All of my fears just exploded out of me and I have to push back. It's not that I don't want to be happy, it's just... unknown. New. Why move on to something new when I can stay with Kyle and be in miserable comfort? I don't know what to do. I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to go out and be with other people so I feel what it is like to have a real working relationship, but my heart aches every time I think about never seeing Kyle again. I know I can still see him, as friends, but when I long to lay beside him and hear him breathing next to me when I sleep, or wake up in the morning to see his smirk... It just makes me wonder if I will ever feel that again with someone else.
I was in love with Jack. I wanted him desperately, mostly I guess because I couldn't have him. I still can't have him. He's on the other side of the world. Will he ever come home to me? I don't know. He wants to give me the life that I dream of. A home, a family... where we can escape... and just be together. But my heart can't handle the disappointment of not knowing if he is alive or dead every day. If he comes home, what then? Will I have established a new relationship or will I still be waiting?
I'm trying to get a new job, too. I'm worth so much more than this company pays me, and I am losing my mind and my hope every day when I come in. You know me, I like to stay busy, I like to work hard and play hard. Sitting around doing nothing is like some form of slow torture where I have to watch the clock tick by every day and wait for freedom. So we'll see if anything comes of it. I guess I have been searching for a new job for a long time, but the economy has been so bad I just haven't found anything. When people with JDs and PhDs are vying for the same jobs I am, it's impossible.
I miss you, Granna. I miss your strength and your kindness. Every day I feel further and further away from you and there's a tear in me that will never go away... Someday we'll be together again, right?
Kim
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Dear Granna,
I'm trying to enjoy life and live it one day at a time. I think I have a tendency to over-complicate things by asking for too much, or wanting more, when I should just enjoy things as they come. I enjoy the time when my heart feels full, and am slowly gaining strength to deal with it when my heart feels empty. There's too much in this world to be thankful for to be miserable all the time. So I just try to do my best to not be sad.
I had a wonderful weekend. Friday night, to my surprise, Kyle and I went out for dinner and to play some games at Dave-N-Buster. I proceeded to drink entirely too much, and he dropped me off at home. Saturday I slept in and cuddled with Beep for the first time in as long as I can remember, and I spent most of the day with Tabby and Wyatt, feeling like a member of the family and enjoying the company. Sunday, while I was cooking some breakfast, Kyle called me and asked me to go out to lunch with him... out of the blue. So I was very surprised at that. He claimed it was to work on his appeal, but we went out to lunch and went shopping at target and lounged around in bed for a while before we ended up actually doing any work. Then once it was done he decided not to study so we could hang out while I did his laundry. Then when I left, we ended up spending more time together playing our online game until it was time for bed. It's these days that make all of the pain worth it, because it gives me a glimpse into the sweet Kyle who I always swear is in there.
He's going through some stressful times right now, with finals, and his grandmother potentially dying. All you can do is hope for the best for his grandmother, I know exactly where he is coming from, feeling hopeless and lost. He withdraws into himself when he's dealing with stress and it drives me crazy, but I am learning to let him do his thing and not be so needy. Granted there isn't a day that goes by where I don't want to wake up in his arms, he is a delicate creature and if pushed too hard, he runs. So we just enjoy each other's company. I can't ask for more than that. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I can't worry about it. Enjoy life while you can because I could be dead tomorrow.
Other than that, I am working two jobs, picking up a third one watching Ciaran during the week for Jen. There is some drama there, she insisted that she paid me, and then claimed she couldn't afford it, and got pissed off at me when I told her not to worry about it. It doesn't make any sense. I don't want to take money from her if she is living paycheck to paycheck, but what is going to happen someday when we aren't available to pick up her slack? She's going to have to pay for daycare. Then what? She relies too heavily on her family for free daycare, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for -something- in return. But apparently unless it is on her terms, it isn't.
Oh well.
Kim
I'm trying to enjoy life and live it one day at a time. I think I have a tendency to over-complicate things by asking for too much, or wanting more, when I should just enjoy things as they come. I enjoy the time when my heart feels full, and am slowly gaining strength to deal with it when my heart feels empty. There's too much in this world to be thankful for to be miserable all the time. So I just try to do my best to not be sad.
I had a wonderful weekend. Friday night, to my surprise, Kyle and I went out for dinner and to play some games at Dave-N-Buster. I proceeded to drink entirely too much, and he dropped me off at home. Saturday I slept in and cuddled with Beep for the first time in as long as I can remember, and I spent most of the day with Tabby and Wyatt, feeling like a member of the family and enjoying the company. Sunday, while I was cooking some breakfast, Kyle called me and asked me to go out to lunch with him... out of the blue. So I was very surprised at that. He claimed it was to work on his appeal, but we went out to lunch and went shopping at target and lounged around in bed for a while before we ended up actually doing any work. Then once it was done he decided not to study so we could hang out while I did his laundry. Then when I left, we ended up spending more time together playing our online game until it was time for bed. It's these days that make all of the pain worth it, because it gives me a glimpse into the sweet Kyle who I always swear is in there.
He's going through some stressful times right now, with finals, and his grandmother potentially dying. All you can do is hope for the best for his grandmother, I know exactly where he is coming from, feeling hopeless and lost. He withdraws into himself when he's dealing with stress and it drives me crazy, but I am learning to let him do his thing and not be so needy. Granted there isn't a day that goes by where I don't want to wake up in his arms, he is a delicate creature and if pushed too hard, he runs. So we just enjoy each other's company. I can't ask for more than that. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I can't worry about it. Enjoy life while you can because I could be dead tomorrow.
Other than that, I am working two jobs, picking up a third one watching Ciaran during the week for Jen. There is some drama there, she insisted that she paid me, and then claimed she couldn't afford it, and got pissed off at me when I told her not to worry about it. It doesn't make any sense. I don't want to take money from her if she is living paycheck to paycheck, but what is going to happen someday when we aren't available to pick up her slack? She's going to have to pay for daycare. Then what? She relies too heavily on her family for free daycare, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for -something- in return. But apparently unless it is on her terms, it isn't.
Oh well.
Kim
Friday, May 14, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Dear Granna,
I lost it. I lost the Steuben Pendant you gave me. It was safely sitting on my desk in a box awaiting someone skilled enough to repair it and it's gone. I am devastated. It feels like it was the only thing connecting us together and I was so irresponsible and careless that now it is gone. I've looked everywhere, dug through everything that I owned, pulled my furniture around, my fingers are raw, my knuckles are bloody, and it is nowhere. What if I knocked it into my trash and I threw it away? What if someone took it off my desk? Mom says it's "just stuff" but I feel like somehow I have betrayed you for not paying better attention to it. I wanted to pass it down to my daughter someday, and tell her the story of how I got it, and how it was one of a kind, just like her... And now it is gone. I want to keep the hope that it will show up, by some miracle it will show up, but I looked through everything. Each time I dug through the same box I hoped that I just missed it and it would just pop up. And each time I couldn't hold back the tears when I found it not in there.
The only one of its kind and now it's gone. I am so sorry, Granna, I didn't mean to lose track of it. I didn't mean to take it for granted and just leave it on my desk. I cherished that, so much so that I wore it until it started getting cracked, that's why I took it off, so I could take it to get repaired someday... I didn't want to break it any further. I guess I don't have to worry about it... It's not going to be broken anymore, now all I am left with is a broken heart. I think that sufficiently makes up for being irresponsible.
Why can't I listen when people say it is just stuff? And that the memories I have of you are more important. It just represented so much more. So much more. I'm trying to keep my chin up, repeating to myself that it will show up... If it does I'll never let anything happen to it again, I'll put it in a safe or a lock box somewhere so I will always know where it is. I can just keep hoping for the "if" right?
I hope you're not too disappointed in me. I think I'm doing a fair job of punishing myself. It just sucks.
Kim
I lost it. I lost the Steuben Pendant you gave me. It was safely sitting on my desk in a box awaiting someone skilled enough to repair it and it's gone. I am devastated. It feels like it was the only thing connecting us together and I was so irresponsible and careless that now it is gone. I've looked everywhere, dug through everything that I owned, pulled my furniture around, my fingers are raw, my knuckles are bloody, and it is nowhere. What if I knocked it into my trash and I threw it away? What if someone took it off my desk? Mom says it's "just stuff" but I feel like somehow I have betrayed you for not paying better attention to it. I wanted to pass it down to my daughter someday, and tell her the story of how I got it, and how it was one of a kind, just like her... And now it is gone. I want to keep the hope that it will show up, by some miracle it will show up, but I looked through everything. Each time I dug through the same box I hoped that I just missed it and it would just pop up. And each time I couldn't hold back the tears when I found it not in there.
The only one of its kind and now it's gone. I am so sorry, Granna, I didn't mean to lose track of it. I didn't mean to take it for granted and just leave it on my desk. I cherished that, so much so that I wore it until it started getting cracked, that's why I took it off, so I could take it to get repaired someday... I didn't want to break it any further. I guess I don't have to worry about it... It's not going to be broken anymore, now all I am left with is a broken heart. I think that sufficiently makes up for being irresponsible.
Why can't I listen when people say it is just stuff? And that the memories I have of you are more important. It just represented so much more. So much more. I'm trying to keep my chin up, repeating to myself that it will show up... If it does I'll never let anything happen to it again, I'll put it in a safe or a lock box somewhere so I will always know where it is. I can just keep hoping for the "if" right?
I hope you're not too disappointed in me. I think I'm doing a fair job of punishing myself. It just sucks.
Kim
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2009
Dear Granna,
I've been having horrible nightmares, Granna. It's definitely affecting my sleep, so I haven't been feeling very rested. The night before last I dreamed I was getting married... everything was ready, we were in a beautiful garden, all people were sitting, I was in my dress... and when I was walking down the isle I started having second thoughts. When I got to the front and met up with my future husband, he leaned over and expressed how happy he was and how excited he was for our honeymoon, and suddenly I couldn't do it. I didn't love him. I didn't want to be in a love-less relationship, no matter how comfortable my life may have been with him. And I bailed out. I ran. And when I was in a safe place, I called Kyle. I told him I couldn't go through with it because I didn't love him, and that marrying for money wasn't right... And he said he knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it because he knew who I loved. And it was awful. I gave up a lifetime of happiness and stability because my heart belonged to someone else, even though my brain was in the right place. Why is it that we can't shut our hearts off? Why is it that our brains can be screaming at us to do what is safe and right, but our hearts throw us right back into the pain?
Last night I dreamed that I was burning alive. I keep having flickers of WWII in my dreams, of being Jewish, of hiding from soldiers, waiting to die. It was awful. I don't exactly know how I ended up being burned alive, but I have a feeling it was in a concentration camp... Though historically I don't know if they actually burned people alive, or just gassed them. Either way, the dreams are not pleasant.
And yesterday I had a pregnancy scare. I went to the doctor to get a checkup on the implant I have in my arm now (that is supposed to prevent pregnancy for three years), and they were concerned I hadn't had my period since the beginning of March, so they were going to just run a quick urine test. I was waiting in the office for the clinician to come back, and she was gone a while. When she came back she had admitted that the first test came back a false positive, meaning a second line came up, but it was in the wrong position for me to be pregnant, so she just ran a second one to be sure. The second one turned out the same, being negative. It was horrible. They are saying negative but I threw two tests off. Maybe it is because of all of the hormones I have in my body right now. Or just the stress. I don't know. How complicated would my life be if I found out I was pregnant. And then I would have to figure out if it was a result of my bad judgment of having a one night stand, or if it actually did belong to Kyle. I'm not going to stress too much... If my period doesn't come in another week or so I'll go get a blood test done... To get the final results, urine tests can be wrong, blood tests usually aren't.
As much as I want a child, that would definitely complicate thing.
Other than that... I thought things were over between Kyle and I, but of course when I stayed the night at his house last weekend, he conceded and we fell right back into the old routine. Only it was different. After we had slept together, he pulled me into his body and held me there the whole night, running his fingers over my skin, making sure I was still beside him the entire night, then in the morning when I brushed him off and started to get ready, he pulled me back into bed. And Saturday we spent the entire day together. I got sick in the middle of the theme park, and he was concerned. At one point he tried to shove french-fries in my face and I told him he wasn't funny because I didn't want to be sick again, and he looked hurt and said he was just trying to make me smile. My friends who were with us say there are sparks between us, there is definitely something there, but he pulls away because he is scared. It's frustrating. He kept checking on me throughout the day, asking how I was feeling, asking if my back was okay, rubbing my arms when I was cold... And that night we lay together again, with his hand draped lazily over my side, his fingers rubbing my skin gently.
And we talk every day while he is at work now. Tonight is his birthday and I'm going to make him dinner. Saturday we're having a BBQ with friends. We are all trying to come up with a plan to make him get over his fear, but I don't know if it will happen. I hate that he has my heart. I hate that I want to have babies with him and I see us living in a house in the suburbs together... It's longing for what I can't have and it frustrates me.
And the one guy who WANTS to marry me has dropped off the face of the planet. I don't know if he is dead in a ditch somewhere, or he is being cautious because of my constant prodding. But it's frustrating. I hate being in limbo. HATE it. Why can't someone make up their mind. Why do I have to be the one who has to figure things out? Can't someone figure them out for me? I know love is supposed to be difficult, and it's patient and kind, but it hurts. Worse than any other feeling in the world, it hurts. My friend Nicole is going through the same thing. Do we find solace in one another, or are we fueling the fire for more pain by being supportive.
God I wish I could afford a counselor.
Kim
I've been having horrible nightmares, Granna. It's definitely affecting my sleep, so I haven't been feeling very rested. The night before last I dreamed I was getting married... everything was ready, we were in a beautiful garden, all people were sitting, I was in my dress... and when I was walking down the isle I started having second thoughts. When I got to the front and met up with my future husband, he leaned over and expressed how happy he was and how excited he was for our honeymoon, and suddenly I couldn't do it. I didn't love him. I didn't want to be in a love-less relationship, no matter how comfortable my life may have been with him. And I bailed out. I ran. And when I was in a safe place, I called Kyle. I told him I couldn't go through with it because I didn't love him, and that marrying for money wasn't right... And he said he knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it because he knew who I loved. And it was awful. I gave up a lifetime of happiness and stability because my heart belonged to someone else, even though my brain was in the right place. Why is it that we can't shut our hearts off? Why is it that our brains can be screaming at us to do what is safe and right, but our hearts throw us right back into the pain?
Last night I dreamed that I was burning alive. I keep having flickers of WWII in my dreams, of being Jewish, of hiding from soldiers, waiting to die. It was awful. I don't exactly know how I ended up being burned alive, but I have a feeling it was in a concentration camp... Though historically I don't know if they actually burned people alive, or just gassed them. Either way, the dreams are not pleasant.
And yesterday I had a pregnancy scare. I went to the doctor to get a checkup on the implant I have in my arm now (that is supposed to prevent pregnancy for three years), and they were concerned I hadn't had my period since the beginning of March, so they were going to just run a quick urine test. I was waiting in the office for the clinician to come back, and she was gone a while. When she came back she had admitted that the first test came back a false positive, meaning a second line came up, but it was in the wrong position for me to be pregnant, so she just ran a second one to be sure. The second one turned out the same, being negative. It was horrible. They are saying negative but I threw two tests off. Maybe it is because of all of the hormones I have in my body right now. Or just the stress. I don't know. How complicated would my life be if I found out I was pregnant. And then I would have to figure out if it was a result of my bad judgment of having a one night stand, or if it actually did belong to Kyle. I'm not going to stress too much... If my period doesn't come in another week or so I'll go get a blood test done... To get the final results, urine tests can be wrong, blood tests usually aren't.
As much as I want a child, that would definitely complicate thing.
Other than that... I thought things were over between Kyle and I, but of course when I stayed the night at his house last weekend, he conceded and we fell right back into the old routine. Only it was different. After we had slept together, he pulled me into his body and held me there the whole night, running his fingers over my skin, making sure I was still beside him the entire night, then in the morning when I brushed him off and started to get ready, he pulled me back into bed. And Saturday we spent the entire day together. I got sick in the middle of the theme park, and he was concerned. At one point he tried to shove french-fries in my face and I told him he wasn't funny because I didn't want to be sick again, and he looked hurt and said he was just trying to make me smile. My friends who were with us say there are sparks between us, there is definitely something there, but he pulls away because he is scared. It's frustrating. He kept checking on me throughout the day, asking how I was feeling, asking if my back was okay, rubbing my arms when I was cold... And that night we lay together again, with his hand draped lazily over my side, his fingers rubbing my skin gently.
And we talk every day while he is at work now. Tonight is his birthday and I'm going to make him dinner. Saturday we're having a BBQ with friends. We are all trying to come up with a plan to make him get over his fear, but I don't know if it will happen. I hate that he has my heart. I hate that I want to have babies with him and I see us living in a house in the suburbs together... It's longing for what I can't have and it frustrates me.
And the one guy who WANTS to marry me has dropped off the face of the planet. I don't know if he is dead in a ditch somewhere, or he is being cautious because of my constant prodding. But it's frustrating. I hate being in limbo. HATE it. Why can't someone make up their mind. Why do I have to be the one who has to figure things out? Can't someone figure them out for me? I know love is supposed to be difficult, and it's patient and kind, but it hurts. Worse than any other feeling in the world, it hurts. My friend Nicole is going through the same thing. Do we find solace in one another, or are we fueling the fire for more pain by being supportive.
God I wish I could afford a counselor.
Kim
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Dear Granna,
Things are up and down with me. Sometimes I'll have an incredibly good day, and someone will inevitably bring it down. I don't appreciate that my siblings treat me so poorly and have to beat me down every time they're having a bad day as well. It makes it difficult for me to even want to spend time with them. Which is hard, because I love Ciaran to death, but not wanting to be around Jen makes it incredibly difficult to establish a relationship with him. She's just so bitter about life. And because she's miserable, she has to make sure everyone else is miserable too. On Easter, I got dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up... And I was quite proud of myself. I asked Mom if she noticed, and Jen immediately said, "What do you want? An award for putting on make-up?" I don't usually get dressed up. I've been working really hard not to be so "frumpy" lately. Care about my appearance a little more... But when Jen makes comments like that it makes me so angry. Apparently, I'm just a social reject that can't be praised for anything I do. I just wish people would help me build up my self-esteem, instead of constantly bashing me down so they feel better about themselves. But you can't choose your family, can you?
Mom and I talked about Jack last night. She's been with me the entire adventure, and I told her Jack wanted to get married when he got back from Afghanistan. I told her I wasn't sure about it... I love the idea of him, but I need to be with him in order to develop that passionate love for him. She said that sometimes you learn to love people, and he is offering stability and the life I want (home, family, etc.). And she said if it didn't work out, I can always get a divorce, that is the beauty of marriage. Though, she is not keen on the idea of us moving to Nebraska, which I am trying to delay as long as possible. And I want Jack to get an education. Originally he wanted to go to medical school, now he thinks he is too dumb to do so... I hate to be shallow, but an education is important to me. He can get the GI Bill to pay for it, so he has no reason NOT to go. Even if it is to just get a 4-year degree. I told him it would be a deal breaker if he just quit at the idea of school. I want someone who has an education to match my own, or at least is pretending to care. Is that horrible of me? He said he would go to school for me, but do I want to be the bad guy? I guess we'll see how everything works out in the end. He might turn out hating me. Who knows. Relationships are always different when you're living with someone.
I keep thinking about Kyle... about how we could have made it work if he just opened his heart to me, but he never would have. I miss him. I miss being able to tell him everything and waking up next to him in the morning. We're going to have a BBQ this weekend with some friends, I just feel awkward every time I'm around him, because I want him to wrap his arms around me like he used to. Those feelings will go away, right? I suppose I'm in an emotional limbo, waiting for Jack to get home, and still wanting a companion. Everything is going to be a whirlwind when Jack gets home... if he comes home. That is the one problem with waiting for someone in the military. You never know if they will come home to you.
Just trying to stay afloat right now. Tried to apply for donating eggs for money, but I'm not qualified. Applied for a couple freelance writing/editing gigs and waiting to hear back, and still waiting for my dream legal job to come through, while barely being able to pay my bills. Is this what life is supposed to be about? Struggle? Because I am LIVING it if it is. Regardless, I wish you were here to tell me it was going to be okay. Or to stop bitching and pull myself up by the bootstraps... Because you struggled too, didn't you? You were so strong, and you did it without ever complaining. Someday I'll make it... Someday I'll be like you. Right now it just seems hard.
Kim
Things are up and down with me. Sometimes I'll have an incredibly good day, and someone will inevitably bring it down. I don't appreciate that my siblings treat me so poorly and have to beat me down every time they're having a bad day as well. It makes it difficult for me to even want to spend time with them. Which is hard, because I love Ciaran to death, but not wanting to be around Jen makes it incredibly difficult to establish a relationship with him. She's just so bitter about life. And because she's miserable, she has to make sure everyone else is miserable too. On Easter, I got dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up... And I was quite proud of myself. I asked Mom if she noticed, and Jen immediately said, "What do you want? An award for putting on make-up?" I don't usually get dressed up. I've been working really hard not to be so "frumpy" lately. Care about my appearance a little more... But when Jen makes comments like that it makes me so angry. Apparently, I'm just a social reject that can't be praised for anything I do. I just wish people would help me build up my self-esteem, instead of constantly bashing me down so they feel better about themselves. But you can't choose your family, can you?
Mom and I talked about Jack last night. She's been with me the entire adventure, and I told her Jack wanted to get married when he got back from Afghanistan. I told her I wasn't sure about it... I love the idea of him, but I need to be with him in order to develop that passionate love for him. She said that sometimes you learn to love people, and he is offering stability and the life I want (home, family, etc.). And she said if it didn't work out, I can always get a divorce, that is the beauty of marriage. Though, she is not keen on the idea of us moving to Nebraska, which I am trying to delay as long as possible. And I want Jack to get an education. Originally he wanted to go to medical school, now he thinks he is too dumb to do so... I hate to be shallow, but an education is important to me. He can get the GI Bill to pay for it, so he has no reason NOT to go. Even if it is to just get a 4-year degree. I told him it would be a deal breaker if he just quit at the idea of school. I want someone who has an education to match my own, or at least is pretending to care. Is that horrible of me? He said he would go to school for me, but do I want to be the bad guy? I guess we'll see how everything works out in the end. He might turn out hating me. Who knows. Relationships are always different when you're living with someone.
I keep thinking about Kyle... about how we could have made it work if he just opened his heart to me, but he never would have. I miss him. I miss being able to tell him everything and waking up next to him in the morning. We're going to have a BBQ this weekend with some friends, I just feel awkward every time I'm around him, because I want him to wrap his arms around me like he used to. Those feelings will go away, right? I suppose I'm in an emotional limbo, waiting for Jack to get home, and still wanting a companion. Everything is going to be a whirlwind when Jack gets home... if he comes home. That is the one problem with waiting for someone in the military. You never know if they will come home to you.
Just trying to stay afloat right now. Tried to apply for donating eggs for money, but I'm not qualified. Applied for a couple freelance writing/editing gigs and waiting to hear back, and still waiting for my dream legal job to come through, while barely being able to pay my bills. Is this what life is supposed to be about? Struggle? Because I am LIVING it if it is. Regardless, I wish you were here to tell me it was going to be okay. Or to stop bitching and pull myself up by the bootstraps... Because you struggled too, didn't you? You were so strong, and you did it without ever complaining. Someday I'll make it... Someday I'll be like you. Right now it just seems hard.
Kim
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Dear Granna,
Things have been a little... well, chaotic since I last wrote you. I don't know, a lot of changes. After the official Kyle/Kim breakup... since, while I do love him desperately, he doesn't want what I want... I decided it was time for a change. I cut off all my hair. I now have a pseudo-bob and everyone agrees it makes me look much more sophisticated and sexy. I just needed a change. I needed to get back in touch with the strong woman who is powerful and confident, and having a change of the hair really does help. I had been beated down so far for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel good about myself. Now if only I could motivate myself to get off my butt and go to the gym, then I would be double proud of myself. Baby steps, I suppose!
I also have been spending a lot of time with a good female friend who is keeping me distracted, and helping me get back in touch with the inner-bitch I used to have. Granted, she has gotten me into trouble a few times, I still appreciate her help.
Last Friday I had my first one night stand. Now, at the time, I was proud of myself. Picking up a handsome fellow at the bar...taking him home, that sort of thing. It made me feel sexy and wanted. First new person I have been with for a couple years. Awkward, nerve-wracking, but I did it. The only problem is... a couple days later I found out he was married and had a very, very pregnant wife. It just goes to show you you can't trust a thing that comes out of a filthy man's mouth. They never tell the truth, do they? So, now I don't know how I feel about it. If I ever go out to a bar again, I'm definitely going to be a LITTLE more cautious about who I bring home. Maybe even facebook said person before I do. It is amazing what a social networking site can show you.
Ontop of that, I'm engaged. Or, engaged to be engaged. I'm not quite sure what it is. But, I have a male friend I have been talking to for a long time, who claims he is desperately in love with me and wants to get married and have babies and give me everything I ever wanted, and I am in love with the idea of him... But I guess we'll see what happens when he comes back from being deployed. Three more months. In three months he can change his mind. But he is steadfast in the idea that he wants to marry me. If nothing else, it's like a contract marriage, where I will get all the benefits of being a military wife, and still have my own room. Just the idea of settling down and starting a family is very appealing to me. I mean, who wouldn't want that? Especially when I am in a rut and feel like I have accomplished nothing with my life. Maybe being a mother is what I am meant to do. So, we'll see. But for the time being, until I have a ring on my finger, I'm not making any promises. And I want a big ring, dammit.
So, that is what has been going on. Aside from male drama, I'm doing pretty well. Taking it one day at a time, trying to keep my chin up while I drown in bills and worry about my roommates kicking me out for not paying rent on time... It will get easier, right? It has to.
Kim
Things have been a little... well, chaotic since I last wrote you. I don't know, a lot of changes. After the official Kyle/Kim breakup... since, while I do love him desperately, he doesn't want what I want... I decided it was time for a change. I cut off all my hair. I now have a pseudo-bob and everyone agrees it makes me look much more sophisticated and sexy. I just needed a change. I needed to get back in touch with the strong woman who is powerful and confident, and having a change of the hair really does help. I had been beated down so far for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel good about myself. Now if only I could motivate myself to get off my butt and go to the gym, then I would be double proud of myself. Baby steps, I suppose!
I also have been spending a lot of time with a good female friend who is keeping me distracted, and helping me get back in touch with the inner-bitch I used to have. Granted, she has gotten me into trouble a few times, I still appreciate her help.
Last Friday I had my first one night stand. Now, at the time, I was proud of myself. Picking up a handsome fellow at the bar...taking him home, that sort of thing. It made me feel sexy and wanted. First new person I have been with for a couple years. Awkward, nerve-wracking, but I did it. The only problem is... a couple days later I found out he was married and had a very, very pregnant wife. It just goes to show you you can't trust a thing that comes out of a filthy man's mouth. They never tell the truth, do they? So, now I don't know how I feel about it. If I ever go out to a bar again, I'm definitely going to be a LITTLE more cautious about who I bring home. Maybe even facebook said person before I do. It is amazing what a social networking site can show you.
Ontop of that, I'm engaged. Or, engaged to be engaged. I'm not quite sure what it is. But, I have a male friend I have been talking to for a long time, who claims he is desperately in love with me and wants to get married and have babies and give me everything I ever wanted, and I am in love with the idea of him... But I guess we'll see what happens when he comes back from being deployed. Three more months. In three months he can change his mind. But he is steadfast in the idea that he wants to marry me. If nothing else, it's like a contract marriage, where I will get all the benefits of being a military wife, and still have my own room. Just the idea of settling down and starting a family is very appealing to me. I mean, who wouldn't want that? Especially when I am in a rut and feel like I have accomplished nothing with my life. Maybe being a mother is what I am meant to do. So, we'll see. But for the time being, until I have a ring on my finger, I'm not making any promises. And I want a big ring, dammit.
So, that is what has been going on. Aside from male drama, I'm doing pretty well. Taking it one day at a time, trying to keep my chin up while I drown in bills and worry about my roommates kicking me out for not paying rent on time... It will get easier, right? It has to.
Kim
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Dear Granna,
I can't do it. I can't make someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship force himself to actually be in one. He's broken. He's scared. Why force him because he thinks that is the best thing to do? So we're going to just be friends. I think the hardest thing about loving someone is knowing when to let them go. It hurts, but in the long run, wont it be the best for the both of us?
Somehow I will get through this.
Kim
I can't do it. I can't make someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship force himself to actually be in one. He's broken. He's scared. Why force him because he thinks that is the best thing to do? So we're going to just be friends. I think the hardest thing about loving someone is knowing when to let them go. It hurts, but in the long run, wont it be the best for the both of us?
Somehow I will get through this.
Kim
Monday, March 29, 2010
Dear Granna,
I am still mulling the past couple days over in my head. I'm not quite sure how I feel about what happened. I'm not quite sure if I should ask about it or just let it go. Kyle finally admitted we were in a relationship. It wasn't a romantic moment, I think it just came out, and we both just kind of brushed it under the rug. The previous night he had been joking about having one of his friends bring home some bitches, and I had been poking fun at him the next morning while I was brushing my teeth. I told him to be careful with those bitches because they would want a relationship and he was lucky that I wasn't asking for one. He retorted, "What do you think this is? Lets stop fooling ourselves and call it what it really is." My heart at that moment stopped. I didn't say anything, I just let it roll around in my head and brushed it off.
Should I talk to him about it or should I let it go? I'm afraid if we talk about it he's going to turn tail and run and I'll lose him. But if I don't talk about it... what then? By him saying we're in a relationship what am I supposed to assume? Am I his girlfriend? He said we do things that friends don't do. I'm in with his family and his friends, I sleep over, we go through ups and downs with one another, life, money, family... All this time I thought I was just being a good friend and we both got some benefit out of it.
For two years I've waited for him to put us into a new category. For two years I've stood by broken hearted while he talked about his exes and about the girl he dated while we were on a "break" ... I've nursed him through a life changing event, I've helped him through family and money troubles, I've tolerated the way he has treated me... And finally when I'm working up the strength to move on, to branch out and find someone that is going to treat me right... He throws this on the table.
I'm stunned. Speechless. Dumbfounded. I think that is mostly why nothing came out when he said it. Is this really the dynamic change I wanted? Is this really what I've been fighting for for so long... Or am I just falling for another one of his games? I love him, he knows that, I know that. Otherwise I wouldn't turn the other cheek when I'm suffering from his emotional abuse. Will this new revelation change the way things are between us? I don't know. It's so confusing. So frustrating. I want to just talk to him about it, but of course he got bad news about his family last night... So I guess it will just have to wait.
I've been waiting this long already.
Kim
I am still mulling the past couple days over in my head. I'm not quite sure how I feel about what happened. I'm not quite sure if I should ask about it or just let it go. Kyle finally admitted we were in a relationship. It wasn't a romantic moment, I think it just came out, and we both just kind of brushed it under the rug. The previous night he had been joking about having one of his friends bring home some bitches, and I had been poking fun at him the next morning while I was brushing my teeth. I told him to be careful with those bitches because they would want a relationship and he was lucky that I wasn't asking for one. He retorted, "What do you think this is? Lets stop fooling ourselves and call it what it really is." My heart at that moment stopped. I didn't say anything, I just let it roll around in my head and brushed it off.
Should I talk to him about it or should I let it go? I'm afraid if we talk about it he's going to turn tail and run and I'll lose him. But if I don't talk about it... what then? By him saying we're in a relationship what am I supposed to assume? Am I his girlfriend? He said we do things that friends don't do. I'm in with his family and his friends, I sleep over, we go through ups and downs with one another, life, money, family... All this time I thought I was just being a good friend and we both got some benefit out of it.
For two years I've waited for him to put us into a new category. For two years I've stood by broken hearted while he talked about his exes and about the girl he dated while we were on a "break" ... I've nursed him through a life changing event, I've helped him through family and money troubles, I've tolerated the way he has treated me... And finally when I'm working up the strength to move on, to branch out and find someone that is going to treat me right... He throws this on the table.
I'm stunned. Speechless. Dumbfounded. I think that is mostly why nothing came out when he said it. Is this really the dynamic change I wanted? Is this really what I've been fighting for for so long... Or am I just falling for another one of his games? I love him, he knows that, I know that. Otherwise I wouldn't turn the other cheek when I'm suffering from his emotional abuse. Will this new revelation change the way things are between us? I don't know. It's so confusing. So frustrating. I want to just talk to him about it, but of course he got bad news about his family last night... So I guess it will just have to wait.
I've been waiting this long already.
Kim
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Dear Granna,
I'm sick, Granna. Nothing is working right with me. My head is screwy, my body is rejecting everything... I just want to lay in bed and not wake up. And they don't know what is wrong with me. Hospital trips, doctor's trips, a smattering of tests, and still nothing. Pills, pills, pills... and nothing.
At what point do you just say you're done?
I'm tired of being sick and depressed. I'm tired of work and Kyle causing me to feel like I'm worthless. I'm just tired in general. I want to be loved, and needed, wanted, adored, treated like I deserve, instead of shit on. That's all I've ever been in my life... shit on. When is it going to be time for my happiness? When is it going to be my time to finally build up the courage to stand up for myself and say, "You know what, no, fuck you." And move on. Instead of holding onto this helplessness, this feeling of worthlessness.
How long do you fight? How long do you look at a situation and think to yourself, if I just hold on, just a little more... Maybe, just maybe... When do you finally wake up and realize that it's only you. You're the one that is going to have to walk away. Sometimes things just aren't meant to work out, no matter how much it breaks your heart, you have to move on. I have to move on.
Otherwise I will never grow. I will never find the true love and happiness I'm looking for. I just wish when I thought about letting go it didn't make me sick. Someone is such an important part of your life for so long, but you realize nothing is happening but being used. Being hurt. Being beat down to the point where you're too weak... And I can't do this.
He's pushing me away. I'm pushing back. It's not worth my health and my sanity to fight for something that doesn't want me. It's not worth it. For a long time I tried to convince myself that it was. But it's not. I have loved him desperately for two years. I have waited on him, I have waited for him. Tried to heal his physical and mental wounds, and only ended up opening more wounds in myself. It's the first time in my life where I have honestly thought that helping someone wasn't worth it. I gained nothing.
I just have to be steadfast in this. Because the cycle is he'll reel me back in... but I can't do it. It hurts. I hurt. I'm broken. And he knows it. And he doesn't care.
So I don't care. Not anymore.
Kim
I'm sick, Granna. Nothing is working right with me. My head is screwy, my body is rejecting everything... I just want to lay in bed and not wake up. And they don't know what is wrong with me. Hospital trips, doctor's trips, a smattering of tests, and still nothing. Pills, pills, pills... and nothing.
At what point do you just say you're done?
I'm tired of being sick and depressed. I'm tired of work and Kyle causing me to feel like I'm worthless. I'm just tired in general. I want to be loved, and needed, wanted, adored, treated like I deserve, instead of shit on. That's all I've ever been in my life... shit on. When is it going to be time for my happiness? When is it going to be my time to finally build up the courage to stand up for myself and say, "You know what, no, fuck you." And move on. Instead of holding onto this helplessness, this feeling of worthlessness.
How long do you fight? How long do you look at a situation and think to yourself, if I just hold on, just a little more... Maybe, just maybe... When do you finally wake up and realize that it's only you. You're the one that is going to have to walk away. Sometimes things just aren't meant to work out, no matter how much it breaks your heart, you have to move on. I have to move on.
Otherwise I will never grow. I will never find the true love and happiness I'm looking for. I just wish when I thought about letting go it didn't make me sick. Someone is such an important part of your life for so long, but you realize nothing is happening but being used. Being hurt. Being beat down to the point where you're too weak... And I can't do this.
He's pushing me away. I'm pushing back. It's not worth my health and my sanity to fight for something that doesn't want me. It's not worth it. For a long time I tried to convince myself that it was. But it's not. I have loved him desperately for two years. I have waited on him, I have waited for him. Tried to heal his physical and mental wounds, and only ended up opening more wounds in myself. It's the first time in my life where I have honestly thought that helping someone wasn't worth it. I gained nothing.
I just have to be steadfast in this. Because the cycle is he'll reel me back in... but I can't do it. It hurts. I hurt. I'm broken. And he knows it. And he doesn't care.
So I don't care. Not anymore.
Kim
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Dear Granna,
I apologize for not writing sooner. If you can believe it, things have not exactly bee going very well. The holidays were good, Christmas I got to spend it with my family, and it made me so greatful to have them. New Year's Eve was with friends, and promptly 10 minutes into the new year, I hurt the person I care about the most. Something was off. He was off. I asked him why. We fought, he screamed at me, I cowered away from him because I was frightened, we cried, he said he didn't want anything from me, he felt sorry for me, but he didn't know what he would do without me. There was a lot of alcohol involved. Taking some of it with a grain of salt, the rest, letting it fester in my heart to build up the strength to stand up to him.
Once sobriety set in a couple days later, I asked him what was going to happen when he met another girl... That I didn't know what I would do... he said I didn't have to worry about that, that he was happy here. He said he doesn't have it in him to care about a relationship, that every one he has been in has been drama. That Ana took a piece of his heart and it still hurt him, he still dwelled on it. His brother has a kid, his sister got married, so he feels that he doesn't need to do either. It's a shame. I don't know if I'm happy with this, or if I can be happy with this, but I enjoy his companionship and am going to take it one day at a time. It hurts sometimes, but the rest of the time it is joyful. What else can you ask for?
Liz isn't coming home. That was the one thing I was looking forward to for 2010, but she's going out on her own journey to find her muse. All I can do is be supportive and love her through thick and thin, it's just hard because I was ready for our happily ever after.
Other than that, work is slowly killing me inside. The drugs the doctor put me on did not work, and I started having panic attacks. I am sedated while the new drugs start to kick in. Which I hate. Because I don't feel anything. I can't wait until I can feel something again. Sadness, joy, whatever. Instead of just being here but not really being here.
The outlook for 2010 is looking a little dark, but I need to stay positive. I'm job hunting, taking care of my certification paperwork, trying to figure out my debt, just ready for a new start. Ready to get my life under control and dig myself out of this hole that I've been in for the past three years. Every now and again I have moments of clarity where I feel like I'm not lost anymore, like I can do this, the rest of the time I'm drowning. One of these days I'll get it figured out. One of these days things wont be so hard. One of these days...
Kim
I apologize for not writing sooner. If you can believe it, things have not exactly bee going very well. The holidays were good, Christmas I got to spend it with my family, and it made me so greatful to have them. New Year's Eve was with friends, and promptly 10 minutes into the new year, I hurt the person I care about the most. Something was off. He was off. I asked him why. We fought, he screamed at me, I cowered away from him because I was frightened, we cried, he said he didn't want anything from me, he felt sorry for me, but he didn't know what he would do without me. There was a lot of alcohol involved. Taking some of it with a grain of salt, the rest, letting it fester in my heart to build up the strength to stand up to him.
Once sobriety set in a couple days later, I asked him what was going to happen when he met another girl... That I didn't know what I would do... he said I didn't have to worry about that, that he was happy here. He said he doesn't have it in him to care about a relationship, that every one he has been in has been drama. That Ana took a piece of his heart and it still hurt him, he still dwelled on it. His brother has a kid, his sister got married, so he feels that he doesn't need to do either. It's a shame. I don't know if I'm happy with this, or if I can be happy with this, but I enjoy his companionship and am going to take it one day at a time. It hurts sometimes, but the rest of the time it is joyful. What else can you ask for?
Liz isn't coming home. That was the one thing I was looking forward to for 2010, but she's going out on her own journey to find her muse. All I can do is be supportive and love her through thick and thin, it's just hard because I was ready for our happily ever after.
Other than that, work is slowly killing me inside. The drugs the doctor put me on did not work, and I started having panic attacks. I am sedated while the new drugs start to kick in. Which I hate. Because I don't feel anything. I can't wait until I can feel something again. Sadness, joy, whatever. Instead of just being here but not really being here.
The outlook for 2010 is looking a little dark, but I need to stay positive. I'm job hunting, taking care of my certification paperwork, trying to figure out my debt, just ready for a new start. Ready to get my life under control and dig myself out of this hole that I've been in for the past three years. Every now and again I have moments of clarity where I feel like I'm not lost anymore, like I can do this, the rest of the time I'm drowning. One of these days I'll get it figured out. One of these days things wont be so hard. One of these days...
Kim
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