Wednesday, April 28, 2009

Dear Granna,

I've been having horrible nightmares, Granna. It's definitely affecting my sleep, so I haven't been feeling very rested. The night before last I dreamed I was getting married... everything was ready, we were in a beautiful garden, all people were sitting, I was in my dress... and when I was walking down the isle I started having second thoughts. When I got to the front and met up with my future husband, he leaned over and expressed how happy he was and how excited he was for our honeymoon, and suddenly I couldn't do it. I didn't love him. I didn't want to be in a love-less relationship, no matter how comfortable my life may have been with him. And I bailed out. I ran. And when I was in a safe place, I called Kyle. I told him I couldn't go through with it because I didn't love him, and that marrying for money wasn't right... And he said he knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it because he knew who I loved. And it was awful. I gave up a lifetime of happiness and stability because my heart belonged to someone else, even though my brain was in the right place. Why is it that we can't shut our hearts off? Why is it that our brains can be screaming at us to do what is safe and right, but our hearts throw us right back into the pain?

Last night I dreamed that I was burning alive. I keep having flickers of WWII in my dreams, of being Jewish, of hiding from soldiers, waiting to die. It was awful. I don't exactly know how I ended up being burned alive, but I have a feeling it was in a concentration camp... Though historically I don't know if they actually burned people alive, or just gassed them. Either way, the dreams are not pleasant.

And yesterday I had a pregnancy scare. I went to the doctor to get a checkup on the implant I have in my arm now (that is supposed to prevent pregnancy for three years), and they were concerned I hadn't had my period since the beginning of March, so they were going to just run a quick urine test. I was waiting in the office for the clinician to come back, and she was gone a while. When she came back she had admitted that the first test came back a false positive, meaning a second line came up, but it was in the wrong position for me to be pregnant, so she just ran a second one to be sure. The second one turned out the same, being negative. It was horrible. They are saying negative but I threw two tests off. Maybe it is because of all of the hormones I have in my body right now. Or just the stress. I don't know. How complicated would my life be if I found out I was pregnant. And then I would have to figure out if it was a result of my bad judgment of having a one night stand, or if it actually did belong to Kyle. I'm not going to stress too much... If my period doesn't come in another week or so I'll go get a blood test done... To get the final results, urine tests can be wrong, blood tests usually aren't.

As much as I want a child, that would definitely complicate thing.

Other than that... I thought things were over between Kyle and I, but of course when I stayed the night at his house last weekend, he conceded and we fell right back into the old routine. Only it was different. After we had slept together, he pulled me into his body and held me there the whole night, running his fingers over my skin, making sure I was still beside him the entire night, then in the morning when I brushed him off and started to get ready, he pulled me back into bed. And Saturday we spent the entire day together. I got sick in the middle of the theme park, and he was concerned. At one point he tried to shove french-fries in my face and I told him he wasn't funny because I didn't want to be sick again, and he looked hurt and said he was just trying to make me smile. My friends who were with us say there are sparks between us, there is definitely something there, but he pulls away because he is scared. It's frustrating. He kept checking on me throughout the day, asking how I was feeling, asking if my back was okay, rubbing my arms when I was cold... And that night we lay together again, with his hand draped lazily over my side, his fingers rubbing my skin gently.

And we talk every day while he is at work now. Tonight is his birthday and I'm going to make him dinner. Saturday we're having a BBQ with friends. We are all trying to come up with a plan to make him get over his fear, but I don't know if it will happen. I hate that he has my heart. I hate that I want to have babies with him and I see us living in a house in the suburbs together... It's longing for what I can't have and it frustrates me.

And the one guy who WANTS to marry me has dropped off the face of the planet. I don't know if he is dead in a ditch somewhere, or he is being cautious because of my constant prodding. But it's frustrating. I hate being in limbo. HATE it. Why can't someone make up their mind. Why do I have to be the one who has to figure things out? Can't someone figure them out for me? I know love is supposed to be difficult, and it's patient and kind, but it hurts. Worse than any other feeling in the world, it hurts. My friend Nicole is going through the same thing. Do we find solace in one another, or are we fueling the fire for more pain by being supportive.

God I wish I could afford a counselor.

Kim