Dear Granna,
I've been having horrible nightmares, Granna. It's definitely affecting my sleep, so I haven't been feeling very rested. The night before last I dreamed I was getting married... everything was ready, we were in a beautiful garden, all people were sitting, I was in my dress... and when I was walking down the isle I started having second thoughts. When I got to the front and met up with my future husband, he leaned over and expressed how happy he was and how excited he was for our honeymoon, and suddenly I couldn't do it. I didn't love him. I didn't want to be in a love-less relationship, no matter how comfortable my life may have been with him. And I bailed out. I ran. And when I was in a safe place, I called Kyle. I told him I couldn't go through with it because I didn't love him, and that marrying for money wasn't right... And he said he knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it because he knew who I loved. And it was awful. I gave up a lifetime of happiness and stability because my heart belonged to someone else, even though my brain was in the right place. Why is it that we can't shut our hearts off? Why is it that our brains can be screaming at us to do what is safe and right, but our hearts throw us right back into the pain?
Last night I dreamed that I was burning alive. I keep having flickers of WWII in my dreams, of being Jewish, of hiding from soldiers, waiting to die. It was awful. I don't exactly know how I ended up being burned alive, but I have a feeling it was in a concentration camp... Though historically I don't know if they actually burned people alive, or just gassed them. Either way, the dreams are not pleasant.
And yesterday I had a pregnancy scare. I went to the doctor to get a checkup on the implant I have in my arm now (that is supposed to prevent pregnancy for three years), and they were concerned I hadn't had my period since the beginning of March, so they were going to just run a quick urine test. I was waiting in the office for the clinician to come back, and she was gone a while. When she came back she had admitted that the first test came back a false positive, meaning a second line came up, but it was in the wrong position for me to be pregnant, so she just ran a second one to be sure. The second one turned out the same, being negative. It was horrible. They are saying negative but I threw two tests off. Maybe it is because of all of the hormones I have in my body right now. Or just the stress. I don't know. How complicated would my life be if I found out I was pregnant. And then I would have to figure out if it was a result of my bad judgment of having a one night stand, or if it actually did belong to Kyle. I'm not going to stress too much... If my period doesn't come in another week or so I'll go get a blood test done... To get the final results, urine tests can be wrong, blood tests usually aren't.
As much as I want a child, that would definitely complicate thing.
Other than that... I thought things were over between Kyle and I, but of course when I stayed the night at his house last weekend, he conceded and we fell right back into the old routine. Only it was different. After we had slept together, he pulled me into his body and held me there the whole night, running his fingers over my skin, making sure I was still beside him the entire night, then in the morning when I brushed him off and started to get ready, he pulled me back into bed. And Saturday we spent the entire day together. I got sick in the middle of the theme park, and he was concerned. At one point he tried to shove french-fries in my face and I told him he wasn't funny because I didn't want to be sick again, and he looked hurt and said he was just trying to make me smile. My friends who were with us say there are sparks between us, there is definitely something there, but he pulls away because he is scared. It's frustrating. He kept checking on me throughout the day, asking how I was feeling, asking if my back was okay, rubbing my arms when I was cold... And that night we lay together again, with his hand draped lazily over my side, his fingers rubbing my skin gently.
And we talk every day while he is at work now. Tonight is his birthday and I'm going to make him dinner. Saturday we're having a BBQ with friends. We are all trying to come up with a plan to make him get over his fear, but I don't know if it will happen. I hate that he has my heart. I hate that I want to have babies with him and I see us living in a house in the suburbs together... It's longing for what I can't have and it frustrates me.
And the one guy who WANTS to marry me has dropped off the face of the planet. I don't know if he is dead in a ditch somewhere, or he is being cautious because of my constant prodding. But it's frustrating. I hate being in limbo. HATE it. Why can't someone make up their mind. Why do I have to be the one who has to figure things out? Can't someone figure them out for me? I know love is supposed to be difficult, and it's patient and kind, but it hurts. Worse than any other feeling in the world, it hurts. My friend Nicole is going through the same thing. Do we find solace in one another, or are we fueling the fire for more pain by being supportive.
God I wish I could afford a counselor.
Kim
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Dear Granna,
Things are up and down with me. Sometimes I'll have an incredibly good day, and someone will inevitably bring it down. I don't appreciate that my siblings treat me so poorly and have to beat me down every time they're having a bad day as well. It makes it difficult for me to even want to spend time with them. Which is hard, because I love Ciaran to death, but not wanting to be around Jen makes it incredibly difficult to establish a relationship with him. She's just so bitter about life. And because she's miserable, she has to make sure everyone else is miserable too. On Easter, I got dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up... And I was quite proud of myself. I asked Mom if she noticed, and Jen immediately said, "What do you want? An award for putting on make-up?" I don't usually get dressed up. I've been working really hard not to be so "frumpy" lately. Care about my appearance a little more... But when Jen makes comments like that it makes me so angry. Apparently, I'm just a social reject that can't be praised for anything I do. I just wish people would help me build up my self-esteem, instead of constantly bashing me down so they feel better about themselves. But you can't choose your family, can you?
Mom and I talked about Jack last night. She's been with me the entire adventure, and I told her Jack wanted to get married when he got back from Afghanistan. I told her I wasn't sure about it... I love the idea of him, but I need to be with him in order to develop that passionate love for him. She said that sometimes you learn to love people, and he is offering stability and the life I want (home, family, etc.). And she said if it didn't work out, I can always get a divorce, that is the beauty of marriage. Though, she is not keen on the idea of us moving to Nebraska, which I am trying to delay as long as possible. And I want Jack to get an education. Originally he wanted to go to medical school, now he thinks he is too dumb to do so... I hate to be shallow, but an education is important to me. He can get the GI Bill to pay for it, so he has no reason NOT to go. Even if it is to just get a 4-year degree. I told him it would be a deal breaker if he just quit at the idea of school. I want someone who has an education to match my own, or at least is pretending to care. Is that horrible of me? He said he would go to school for me, but do I want to be the bad guy? I guess we'll see how everything works out in the end. He might turn out hating me. Who knows. Relationships are always different when you're living with someone.
I keep thinking about Kyle... about how we could have made it work if he just opened his heart to me, but he never would have. I miss him. I miss being able to tell him everything and waking up next to him in the morning. We're going to have a BBQ this weekend with some friends, I just feel awkward every time I'm around him, because I want him to wrap his arms around me like he used to. Those feelings will go away, right? I suppose I'm in an emotional limbo, waiting for Jack to get home, and still wanting a companion. Everything is going to be a whirlwind when Jack gets home... if he comes home. That is the one problem with waiting for someone in the military. You never know if they will come home to you.
Just trying to stay afloat right now. Tried to apply for donating eggs for money, but I'm not qualified. Applied for a couple freelance writing/editing gigs and waiting to hear back, and still waiting for my dream legal job to come through, while barely being able to pay my bills. Is this what life is supposed to be about? Struggle? Because I am LIVING it if it is. Regardless, I wish you were here to tell me it was going to be okay. Or to stop bitching and pull myself up by the bootstraps... Because you struggled too, didn't you? You were so strong, and you did it without ever complaining. Someday I'll make it... Someday I'll be like you. Right now it just seems hard.
Kim
Things are up and down with me. Sometimes I'll have an incredibly good day, and someone will inevitably bring it down. I don't appreciate that my siblings treat me so poorly and have to beat me down every time they're having a bad day as well. It makes it difficult for me to even want to spend time with them. Which is hard, because I love Ciaran to death, but not wanting to be around Jen makes it incredibly difficult to establish a relationship with him. She's just so bitter about life. And because she's miserable, she has to make sure everyone else is miserable too. On Easter, I got dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up... And I was quite proud of myself. I asked Mom if she noticed, and Jen immediately said, "What do you want? An award for putting on make-up?" I don't usually get dressed up. I've been working really hard not to be so "frumpy" lately. Care about my appearance a little more... But when Jen makes comments like that it makes me so angry. Apparently, I'm just a social reject that can't be praised for anything I do. I just wish people would help me build up my self-esteem, instead of constantly bashing me down so they feel better about themselves. But you can't choose your family, can you?
Mom and I talked about Jack last night. She's been with me the entire adventure, and I told her Jack wanted to get married when he got back from Afghanistan. I told her I wasn't sure about it... I love the idea of him, but I need to be with him in order to develop that passionate love for him. She said that sometimes you learn to love people, and he is offering stability and the life I want (home, family, etc.). And she said if it didn't work out, I can always get a divorce, that is the beauty of marriage. Though, she is not keen on the idea of us moving to Nebraska, which I am trying to delay as long as possible. And I want Jack to get an education. Originally he wanted to go to medical school, now he thinks he is too dumb to do so... I hate to be shallow, but an education is important to me. He can get the GI Bill to pay for it, so he has no reason NOT to go. Even if it is to just get a 4-year degree. I told him it would be a deal breaker if he just quit at the idea of school. I want someone who has an education to match my own, or at least is pretending to care. Is that horrible of me? He said he would go to school for me, but do I want to be the bad guy? I guess we'll see how everything works out in the end. He might turn out hating me. Who knows. Relationships are always different when you're living with someone.
I keep thinking about Kyle... about how we could have made it work if he just opened his heart to me, but he never would have. I miss him. I miss being able to tell him everything and waking up next to him in the morning. We're going to have a BBQ this weekend with some friends, I just feel awkward every time I'm around him, because I want him to wrap his arms around me like he used to. Those feelings will go away, right? I suppose I'm in an emotional limbo, waiting for Jack to get home, and still wanting a companion. Everything is going to be a whirlwind when Jack gets home... if he comes home. That is the one problem with waiting for someone in the military. You never know if they will come home to you.
Just trying to stay afloat right now. Tried to apply for donating eggs for money, but I'm not qualified. Applied for a couple freelance writing/editing gigs and waiting to hear back, and still waiting for my dream legal job to come through, while barely being able to pay my bills. Is this what life is supposed to be about? Struggle? Because I am LIVING it if it is. Regardless, I wish you were here to tell me it was going to be okay. Or to stop bitching and pull myself up by the bootstraps... Because you struggled too, didn't you? You were so strong, and you did it without ever complaining. Someday I'll make it... Someday I'll be like you. Right now it just seems hard.
Kim
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Dear Granna,
Things have been a little... well, chaotic since I last wrote you. I don't know, a lot of changes. After the official Kyle/Kim breakup... since, while I do love him desperately, he doesn't want what I want... I decided it was time for a change. I cut off all my hair. I now have a pseudo-bob and everyone agrees it makes me look much more sophisticated and sexy. I just needed a change. I needed to get back in touch with the strong woman who is powerful and confident, and having a change of the hair really does help. I had been beated down so far for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel good about myself. Now if only I could motivate myself to get off my butt and go to the gym, then I would be double proud of myself. Baby steps, I suppose!
I also have been spending a lot of time with a good female friend who is keeping me distracted, and helping me get back in touch with the inner-bitch I used to have. Granted, she has gotten me into trouble a few times, I still appreciate her help.
Last Friday I had my first one night stand. Now, at the time, I was proud of myself. Picking up a handsome fellow at the bar...taking him home, that sort of thing. It made me feel sexy and wanted. First new person I have been with for a couple years. Awkward, nerve-wracking, but I did it. The only problem is... a couple days later I found out he was married and had a very, very pregnant wife. It just goes to show you you can't trust a thing that comes out of a filthy man's mouth. They never tell the truth, do they? So, now I don't know how I feel about it. If I ever go out to a bar again, I'm definitely going to be a LITTLE more cautious about who I bring home. Maybe even facebook said person before I do. It is amazing what a social networking site can show you.
Ontop of that, I'm engaged. Or, engaged to be engaged. I'm not quite sure what it is. But, I have a male friend I have been talking to for a long time, who claims he is desperately in love with me and wants to get married and have babies and give me everything I ever wanted, and I am in love with the idea of him... But I guess we'll see what happens when he comes back from being deployed. Three more months. In three months he can change his mind. But he is steadfast in the idea that he wants to marry me. If nothing else, it's like a contract marriage, where I will get all the benefits of being a military wife, and still have my own room. Just the idea of settling down and starting a family is very appealing to me. I mean, who wouldn't want that? Especially when I am in a rut and feel like I have accomplished nothing with my life. Maybe being a mother is what I am meant to do. So, we'll see. But for the time being, until I have a ring on my finger, I'm not making any promises. And I want a big ring, dammit.
So, that is what has been going on. Aside from male drama, I'm doing pretty well. Taking it one day at a time, trying to keep my chin up while I drown in bills and worry about my roommates kicking me out for not paying rent on time... It will get easier, right? It has to.
Kim
Things have been a little... well, chaotic since I last wrote you. I don't know, a lot of changes. After the official Kyle/Kim breakup... since, while I do love him desperately, he doesn't want what I want... I decided it was time for a change. I cut off all my hair. I now have a pseudo-bob and everyone agrees it makes me look much more sophisticated and sexy. I just needed a change. I needed to get back in touch with the strong woman who is powerful and confident, and having a change of the hair really does help. I had been beated down so far for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel good about myself. Now if only I could motivate myself to get off my butt and go to the gym, then I would be double proud of myself. Baby steps, I suppose!
I also have been spending a lot of time with a good female friend who is keeping me distracted, and helping me get back in touch with the inner-bitch I used to have. Granted, she has gotten me into trouble a few times, I still appreciate her help.
Last Friday I had my first one night stand. Now, at the time, I was proud of myself. Picking up a handsome fellow at the bar...taking him home, that sort of thing. It made me feel sexy and wanted. First new person I have been with for a couple years. Awkward, nerve-wracking, but I did it. The only problem is... a couple days later I found out he was married and had a very, very pregnant wife. It just goes to show you you can't trust a thing that comes out of a filthy man's mouth. They never tell the truth, do they? So, now I don't know how I feel about it. If I ever go out to a bar again, I'm definitely going to be a LITTLE more cautious about who I bring home. Maybe even facebook said person before I do. It is amazing what a social networking site can show you.
Ontop of that, I'm engaged. Or, engaged to be engaged. I'm not quite sure what it is. But, I have a male friend I have been talking to for a long time, who claims he is desperately in love with me and wants to get married and have babies and give me everything I ever wanted, and I am in love with the idea of him... But I guess we'll see what happens when he comes back from being deployed. Three more months. In three months he can change his mind. But he is steadfast in the idea that he wants to marry me. If nothing else, it's like a contract marriage, where I will get all the benefits of being a military wife, and still have my own room. Just the idea of settling down and starting a family is very appealing to me. I mean, who wouldn't want that? Especially when I am in a rut and feel like I have accomplished nothing with my life. Maybe being a mother is what I am meant to do. So, we'll see. But for the time being, until I have a ring on my finger, I'm not making any promises. And I want a big ring, dammit.
So, that is what has been going on. Aside from male drama, I'm doing pretty well. Taking it one day at a time, trying to keep my chin up while I drown in bills and worry about my roommates kicking me out for not paying rent on time... It will get easier, right? It has to.
Kim
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