Dear Granna,
My aim is certainly off. I can't control how I feel. People are not who they appear to be. It is all one big mess, and I am recoiling again. I am wondering what I did to end up here and why I can't just have happiness and peace in my life. What is the greater lesson I am supposed to learn here? Why do I keep thinking of Nick and get filled with regret? Why does it seem like he was the only person meant for me and now I am destined to be alone because I was stupid? Am I just supposed to be content being single and let the chips fall where they may? Or am I supposed to continue to seek out the missing love I need to fill the void?
Nothing makes sense anymore. I am tired of heartbreak and disappointment. I am tired of hurting and wanting. I am just plain tired. I suppose I need to do a better job of embracing my independence and just be pleased with that. I mean, I enjoy my space and my home, I enjoy the freedom to come and go as I please, but it always feels like something is missing. Maybe that is Mom in me. She always had to have a man in her life because her family wasn't good enough. Family should be good enough for me. I should be content having good friends and people around me and go from there. Why do I have to keep looking to the past and recounting all my mistakes and wondering what I could have done different?
Everyone know Nick and I were no good for one another. We came from two separate worlds, but there were times when we were so beside ourselves in love that nothing else mattered. We were going to make it through anything...and I failed him.
Maybe I am going through the stages of grieving again. Maybe this is the natural state of things while I continue to grow and heal. I mean, it has been almost six months since we separated...shouldn't it be easier by now? Should I stop going back into a "funk" because I think about it? Every time I meet a new guy, someone who adores me, I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to continue forward (or they can't stand me!) Maybe it is too soon. I'm probably not ready. I need to have a more clear head and a stronger heart. Take fate into my own hands. Maybe it is time for dating hiatus. They say that when you are least expecting it, love will come to you. From this point forward, I'm just going to be me and be happy with myself and go from there.
I need your strength right now. Please show me how you did it for long.
Kim
Monday, March 31, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Dear Granna,
As I write this, it feels like my heart will explode. The man I mentioned previously is coming down at the end of the week and I can hardly contain my excitement. I know that I told myself I was going to keep a part of me from him so that I wouldn't be hurt and disappointed if things didn't turn out how I wanted them to, but it was a battle I ultimately lost. He had mentioned his best friend had been teasing him about talking to me so much, to which he said he responded to his friend without missing a beat that he loved me and that was that. At that point I tumbled over the edge and now I am falling, bracing for the possible impact when he retracts his arms from catching me. Although, right now the fall is the best part. The butterflies you get when someone says they love you is worth all of the pain and suffering I have endured over the past months. He found me. He is coming to me. I am just waiting. It is so different because I am so used to being the one who takes the first step. I always chase, I always get burned. For the first time in my life someone wants me. I hope I can live up to all his expectations of me...as I hope he can live up to mine.
I know this is a learning experience for the both of us, as I am still unsure about being in a relationship just yet...and he says he has never been in love like this before...so we will take it slow. I will take his hand and we will be partners, like you always said to look for. Someone I can stand toe-to-toe with...not someone who leads or someone who follows.
Perhaps I am too far ahead of myself. I am counting all of my chickens before they catch. He may meet me and decide that he doesn't really love me like he thinks he does...but I will have to be okay with that. In life you take risks. This is another one of those "what if" situations that I am knocking out. If it doesn't work, we tried. That's all that matters. Hopefully if that does happen it will end differenly than it did with Josh. He completely shoved me out of his life and made me feel like I had no value to him at all. And it hurt. I was already bleeding and he made sure to tear open that wound just a little wider. But Brian was there to put pressure on it...to help me heal, so, if nothing else, perhaps Brian and I will remain very good friends because he will always have a place in my heart.
I am finally moving on. It feels wonderful.
Kim
As I write this, it feels like my heart will explode. The man I mentioned previously is coming down at the end of the week and I can hardly contain my excitement. I know that I told myself I was going to keep a part of me from him so that I wouldn't be hurt and disappointed if things didn't turn out how I wanted them to, but it was a battle I ultimately lost. He had mentioned his best friend had been teasing him about talking to me so much, to which he said he responded to his friend without missing a beat that he loved me and that was that. At that point I tumbled over the edge and now I am falling, bracing for the possible impact when he retracts his arms from catching me. Although, right now the fall is the best part. The butterflies you get when someone says they love you is worth all of the pain and suffering I have endured over the past months. He found me. He is coming to me. I am just waiting. It is so different because I am so used to being the one who takes the first step. I always chase, I always get burned. For the first time in my life someone wants me. I hope I can live up to all his expectations of me...as I hope he can live up to mine.
I know this is a learning experience for the both of us, as I am still unsure about being in a relationship just yet...and he says he has never been in love like this before...so we will take it slow. I will take his hand and we will be partners, like you always said to look for. Someone I can stand toe-to-toe with...not someone who leads or someone who follows.
Perhaps I am too far ahead of myself. I am counting all of my chickens before they catch. He may meet me and decide that he doesn't really love me like he thinks he does...but I will have to be okay with that. In life you take risks. This is another one of those "what if" situations that I am knocking out. If it doesn't work, we tried. That's all that matters. Hopefully if that does happen it will end differenly than it did with Josh. He completely shoved me out of his life and made me feel like I had no value to him at all. And it hurt. I was already bleeding and he made sure to tear open that wound just a little wider. But Brian was there to put pressure on it...to help me heal, so, if nothing else, perhaps Brian and I will remain very good friends because he will always have a place in my heart.
I am finally moving on. It feels wonderful.
Kim
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2007
Dear Granna,
I discovered something about myself a few weeks ago...when I was left smoking a cigarette outside with an aching heart and an angry mind...That I am strong and I can move on. I went and did something that I never thought I had in me and met a stranger who I thought I loved. Turns out, he did not feel the same way. While he tried to be gentle about it, I couldn't help but coil back and do all in my power to get away... So I came home. I came home and I wondered what was wrong with me... why wasn't I good enough? And all of those familiar feelings of heartbreak came rushing back. It took me a couple days to get over that ache, but because I hadn't invested a whole lot of time into the made-up relationship in my mind, it didn't take me very long to move on.
And I discovered that there had been someone waiting on the sidelines the whole time that loved me. It is a wonderful feeling, knowing that someone who has seen all your faults and your suffering, you anger and your pain and can still love you, no matter what. He is kind and gentle, supports me when I need it, protects me when I can't. But I am taking it slow. I am protecting my heart (even though it already belongs to him) and I need to take it slow. I fall in and out of love quickly because of my desire to fill the void that Nick left...and I want to make sure this is real. Because if it is...if he cares about me as much as he thinks he does...then this is it. It has to be. I don't know how many more times I can handle an aching heart.
Life definitely has been having its ups and downs...hopefully for a brief moment it will stop sliding and climbing so that I can be happy. Even for just a second.
Kim
I discovered something about myself a few weeks ago...when I was left smoking a cigarette outside with an aching heart and an angry mind...That I am strong and I can move on. I went and did something that I never thought I had in me and met a stranger who I thought I loved. Turns out, he did not feel the same way. While he tried to be gentle about it, I couldn't help but coil back and do all in my power to get away... So I came home. I came home and I wondered what was wrong with me... why wasn't I good enough? And all of those familiar feelings of heartbreak came rushing back. It took me a couple days to get over that ache, but because I hadn't invested a whole lot of time into the made-up relationship in my mind, it didn't take me very long to move on.
And I discovered that there had been someone waiting on the sidelines the whole time that loved me. It is a wonderful feeling, knowing that someone who has seen all your faults and your suffering, you anger and your pain and can still love you, no matter what. He is kind and gentle, supports me when I need it, protects me when I can't. But I am taking it slow. I am protecting my heart (even though it already belongs to him) and I need to take it slow. I fall in and out of love quickly because of my desire to fill the void that Nick left...and I want to make sure this is real. Because if it is...if he cares about me as much as he thinks he does...then this is it. It has to be. I don't know how many more times I can handle an aching heart.
Life definitely has been having its ups and downs...hopefully for a brief moment it will stop sliding and climbing so that I can be happy. Even for just a second.
Kim
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)