Dear Granna,
As the holidays loom near, I find myself reflecting a lot on the year that has passed. It has been filled with love, loss, life, change, growth... A very, very important year for me. I have discovered who I am, what I want, how I am going to do it, and started out on the path that I believe I am supposed to take. It is going to be a long, hard road, but I think if we don't challenge ourselves, we nevery really know what we can be capable of.
And then there is Kyle. In the past month we have spent more time together than all the time we were dating. We have grown close emotionally and shared things with each other than both of us admit we have never shared with anyone else. We have become open and caring with one another and developed a strong friendship bond, and I find myself fighting the feelings of passionate love for him. I can love him dearly like a friend, but anything beyond that is only going to cause me hurt. It is so sad to want something so bad, want it more than anything, and to know that you will not have it. In the deepest part of my heart I will always wonder about what-ifs... but, if we hold on to those...then we will miss the true opportunities that pass us by. I can't be blinded. I have to stay focused on my path, it is just hard when you want someone to walk beside you, and the person you choose...doesn't feel the same. I guess that is part of life.
I'm doing my best. I think this coming year is going to be a deciding year in my life. What law school I get into, where I am going to end up, who I am going to take with me. It will be amazing. It is frightening, but I am ready for change.
Kim
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dear Granna,
As if my life wasn't complicated enough, there is always going to be something more that throws a monkey-wrench in the perfectly working machine. I am sure you remember Kyle...the one who I had convinced myself I was in love with...recently we had started talking again, and hanging out again, and of course we fell back into the routine of flirting and general mischief, but it was all innocent play. I never expecting anything to come of it, because I know not to be stupid. And then something horrible happened. Something I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams... something that I would have never wished on anyone... Kyle got into a motorcycle accident. He is very lucky to be alive. Ended up with seven broken bones and missing a lot of skin, but he is expected to make a complete recovery. And for the past three days I have sat loyally by his side, making sure he was as comfortable as possible, being his personal nurse when he needed it the most. Something inside me told me to be there to support him and care for him because no one should have to walk through this alone. And while I was laying there beside him, he would take my hand and press it to his lips gently, or pull me to him ever so slightly and kiss me sweetly on the lips and thank me for being there with him. I told him I didn't have anywhere else to be.
It was just surprising to see such a strong man in a weak state. But I have to step back. I can't let myself get trapped into this game again, knowing very well what the outcome will be. It has to be a combination of the drugs and the stress that is making him act like this, because as far as I am aware there is nothing there between us. Nothing but our strong friendship. I can't let there be anything else. Not unless he proves to me that things are different, that he shows me 100 times over that this isn't some horrible game. In the back of my mind I always wondered about the what if... about if it would just happen someday... but I don't know anymore... I don't want to hope and expect it because then I just get disappointed.
Right now, because of my apathy towards love and relationships I just look at this situation as some sort of fucked up mind game that he is playing and make sure to stay ontop of it. It's just so different now because I met his family and made friends with him, I was there for him when he needed me the most... And I may have proven to him that I'm not like other women. But he has to come to me. Otherwise, I will be waiting forever for something that wont happen. I'm just so confused. So horribly confused and wanting to run away, but at the same time I want to nurture and care for him while he needs people around him the most.
I guess we'll see what happens. One day at a time.
Kim
As if my life wasn't complicated enough, there is always going to be something more that throws a monkey-wrench in the perfectly working machine. I am sure you remember Kyle...the one who I had convinced myself I was in love with...recently we had started talking again, and hanging out again, and of course we fell back into the routine of flirting and general mischief, but it was all innocent play. I never expecting anything to come of it, because I know not to be stupid. And then something horrible happened. Something I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams... something that I would have never wished on anyone... Kyle got into a motorcycle accident. He is very lucky to be alive. Ended up with seven broken bones and missing a lot of skin, but he is expected to make a complete recovery. And for the past three days I have sat loyally by his side, making sure he was as comfortable as possible, being his personal nurse when he needed it the most. Something inside me told me to be there to support him and care for him because no one should have to walk through this alone. And while I was laying there beside him, he would take my hand and press it to his lips gently, or pull me to him ever so slightly and kiss me sweetly on the lips and thank me for being there with him. I told him I didn't have anywhere else to be.
It was just surprising to see such a strong man in a weak state. But I have to step back. I can't let myself get trapped into this game again, knowing very well what the outcome will be. It has to be a combination of the drugs and the stress that is making him act like this, because as far as I am aware there is nothing there between us. Nothing but our strong friendship. I can't let there be anything else. Not unless he proves to me that things are different, that he shows me 100 times over that this isn't some horrible game. In the back of my mind I always wondered about the what if... about if it would just happen someday... but I don't know anymore... I don't want to hope and expect it because then I just get disappointed.
Right now, because of my apathy towards love and relationships I just look at this situation as some sort of fucked up mind game that he is playing and make sure to stay ontop of it. It's just so different now because I met his family and made friends with him, I was there for him when he needed me the most... And I may have proven to him that I'm not like other women. But he has to come to me. Otherwise, I will be waiting forever for something that wont happen. I'm just so confused. So horribly confused and wanting to run away, but at the same time I want to nurture and care for him while he needs people around him the most.
I guess we'll see what happens. One day at a time.
Kim
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