Dear Granna,
Surviving the week to the best of my ability. Earlier I signed up for the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization. Hopefully I will be able to volunteer and change someone's life. I have so much love to give, and can be such a big inspiration and deliver good guidance, why not help change someone's life and give them hope? I am anxiously awaiting some good news from them.
This weekend I will be visiting my family (which is long overdue). It is good to know they will always be there for me when I need them, and even when I am gone for long periods of time, they welcome me back with open arms. I am so blessed. When I get wrapped up in certain aspects of my life I tend to just forget about them. I wont let myself do that anymore. My family is way too important to me. They help keep me strong and on the right track.
Aside from that...I am just trying to heal...doing my best to repair the damage that has been done to me over the many, many years of poor decisions. It is going to take a long time to be able to trust and love again, but I have to love me first, and I will get there. In the meantime I will distract myself with activities and projects and help myself grow as a person with all of the good things I am trying to do.
And today was Day One of quitting smoking -- for good this time. I really need to focus on a healthy, long life. We never know how much time we have remaining in this world, but the time we do have we may as well be healthy and try to extend it as much as possible, right?
Kim
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Dear Granna,
What an adventure was had this weekend in Las Vegas! I am so blessed to have wonderful friends, and was greatful that I had the opportunity to make some more. It was good to just go out, have a good time, clear my head... Granted, the entire good weekend was ruined by the horrible traffic getting back to San Diego. It took us almost NINE hours to drive back (and only four and a half to get out)... Needless to say, my quest to quit smoking ended about 30 miles from Vegas when it took us three hours to get to that place. Though, I am trying, that is for certain. There is just something about being stuck in traffic and having a nicotine fit that makes it for a dangerous trip, so my copilot thought it might be best if I quit smoking after we made it home safely.
We saw a few good shows, as well, and hit up a couple clubs and danced the night away. I am still quite tired from the whole ordeal, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I got to have a few wonderful heart-to-heart talks with Albert to try to help me deal with my issues of getting attached to the people who don't want me, but completely ignoring the people that do. It is a strange quirk I have, and I am trying to get over it. I don't know, maybe part of me wants to fix the broken ones, but I have to fix myself first. I can't ever completely give myself over to someone if the cracks never heal in the foundation.
My writing is going well. I had a wonderful idea about a new story I would like to begin writing. All I have is the face of the main character and the world she lives in, but everything beyond that is a mystery. That is what makes it fun. It is so good to be able to write again, to be able to escape and do and be anything I want to in my fiction. Hopefully someday it will all be completed and someone can escape in my writing as much as I do. I'm not asking for fame, just one person who picks up my book and really enjoys it. That would make my lifetime.
Other than that, I am just living. This week is going to be a busy one. Beep's birthday is on Wednesday and I want to do something with her and get her some presents. On Thursday I might visit with my family, Friday Beep has to go for Surgery and I get to see my little man, Saturday I'm working, then celebrating my god-sister's 18th birthday...Sunday I will be visiting my Dad in Chino Hills, it is going to be another whirlwind week. Somewhere in there I need to fit in Legal Research! Where does the time go?
Kim
What an adventure was had this weekend in Las Vegas! I am so blessed to have wonderful friends, and was greatful that I had the opportunity to make some more. It was good to just go out, have a good time, clear my head... Granted, the entire good weekend was ruined by the horrible traffic getting back to San Diego. It took us almost NINE hours to drive back (and only four and a half to get out)... Needless to say, my quest to quit smoking ended about 30 miles from Vegas when it took us three hours to get to that place. Though, I am trying, that is for certain. There is just something about being stuck in traffic and having a nicotine fit that makes it for a dangerous trip, so my copilot thought it might be best if I quit smoking after we made it home safely.
We saw a few good shows, as well, and hit up a couple clubs and danced the night away. I am still quite tired from the whole ordeal, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I got to have a few wonderful heart-to-heart talks with Albert to try to help me deal with my issues of getting attached to the people who don't want me, but completely ignoring the people that do. It is a strange quirk I have, and I am trying to get over it. I don't know, maybe part of me wants to fix the broken ones, but I have to fix myself first. I can't ever completely give myself over to someone if the cracks never heal in the foundation.
My writing is going well. I had a wonderful idea about a new story I would like to begin writing. All I have is the face of the main character and the world she lives in, but everything beyond that is a mystery. That is what makes it fun. It is so good to be able to write again, to be able to escape and do and be anything I want to in my fiction. Hopefully someday it will all be completed and someone can escape in my writing as much as I do. I'm not asking for fame, just one person who picks up my book and really enjoys it. That would make my lifetime.
Other than that, I am just living. This week is going to be a busy one. Beep's birthday is on Wednesday and I want to do something with her and get her some presents. On Thursday I might visit with my family, Friday Beep has to go for Surgery and I get to see my little man, Saturday I'm working, then celebrating my god-sister's 18th birthday...Sunday I will be visiting my Dad in Chino Hills, it is going to be another whirlwind week. Somewhere in there I need to fit in Legal Research! Where does the time go?
Kim
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Dear Granna,
Tomorrow I head off for my big adventure. I think this is the first trip I've taken with friends anywhere, let alone to Las Vegas! Tonight after work I am meeting up with Sonia's daughters and we're going to go to Forever 21 and look for some suitable clubbing clothes. I have no idea what kids wear to clubs these days, but, that store was suggested to me a few times. Hopefully it will be cheap and easy. Just want to make sure I can get into the club.
Another amazing thing has happened -- I can write again. And I don't mean writing letters or blogging. I can actually -write- again. I rewrote the prologue to my book a few days back, and it just started coming out from there. Every second of every day since then I have wanted to write. Ideas have been flowing out of me like a river. Even at work I'll stop every few minutes and write a few ideas down before getting back to work. I don't want to lose this muse. I want to hang onto it and finish my book and get it out there like I've always wanted to. Hopefully I can maintain this. Mom says that it is because I am taking all of the negative things out of my life and letting the positive flow back in and that is why my muse has returned. Whether or not she is right, I'm not sure... but ever since this "break" I'm on...it is...refreshing. Amazing. I'm bringing my laptop with me this weekend so in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, or when I'm lounging by the pool I will be able to write. If I can put out just a few pages of quality material a day...I would be so thankful.
Being an attorney is still on the to-do list, but if I can write in my free time, that would be all the better for me! So, wish me luck with my adventure this weekend, and my writing. It is finally good to be -me- again.
Kim
Tomorrow I head off for my big adventure. I think this is the first trip I've taken with friends anywhere, let alone to Las Vegas! Tonight after work I am meeting up with Sonia's daughters and we're going to go to Forever 21 and look for some suitable clubbing clothes. I have no idea what kids wear to clubs these days, but, that store was suggested to me a few times. Hopefully it will be cheap and easy. Just want to make sure I can get into the club.
Another amazing thing has happened -- I can write again. And I don't mean writing letters or blogging. I can actually -write- again. I rewrote the prologue to my book a few days back, and it just started coming out from there. Every second of every day since then I have wanted to write. Ideas have been flowing out of me like a river. Even at work I'll stop every few minutes and write a few ideas down before getting back to work. I don't want to lose this muse. I want to hang onto it and finish my book and get it out there like I've always wanted to. Hopefully I can maintain this. Mom says that it is because I am taking all of the negative things out of my life and letting the positive flow back in and that is why my muse has returned. Whether or not she is right, I'm not sure... but ever since this "break" I'm on...it is...refreshing. Amazing. I'm bringing my laptop with me this weekend so in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, or when I'm lounging by the pool I will be able to write. If I can put out just a few pages of quality material a day...I would be so thankful.
Being an attorney is still on the to-do list, but if I can write in my free time, that would be all the better for me! So, wish me luck with my adventure this weekend, and my writing. It is finally good to be -me- again.
Kim
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Dear Granna,
Some men are smooth. They really are. I was standing outside during my lunch break, enjoying the sun and smoking a cigarette (I know, I promise I'll stop). A guy I usually see during breaks throughout the day walked up to me and smiled saying, "I was going to guess your name, but sometimes that turns out awkward." I laughed and told him my name was Kim, and he said he was lucky he hadn't guessed, he was going to say "Samantha." I joked and asked him if I looked like a Samantha...and we struck up a conversation about the weather and my Vegas trip. As we were riding the elevator back up, he got off on the fourth floor, turned around and said, "My name is Robert, by the way," I said it was good to meet him, he smiled and scurried off.
Just made me smile. At least I have a face to go with the name now, instead of just "Hey You." Nothing like a little networking on a sunny Tuesday.
Kim
Some men are smooth. They really are. I was standing outside during my lunch break, enjoying the sun and smoking a cigarette (I know, I promise I'll stop). A guy I usually see during breaks throughout the day walked up to me and smiled saying, "I was going to guess your name, but sometimes that turns out awkward." I laughed and told him my name was Kim, and he said he was lucky he hadn't guessed, he was going to say "Samantha." I joked and asked him if I looked like a Samantha...and we struck up a conversation about the weather and my Vegas trip. As we were riding the elevator back up, he got off on the fourth floor, turned around and said, "My name is Robert, by the way," I said it was good to meet him, he smiled and scurried off.
Just made me smile. At least I have a face to go with the name now, instead of just "Hey You." Nothing like a little networking on a sunny Tuesday.
Kim
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Dear Granna,
Today is St. Patrick's Day. And to protest it, I am not wearing green! Actually, I am not protesting it, I am just wondering how many people will come up to me and pinch me because of that fact, it might be a good way to network! Who knows! I've already harassed someone in the hallway about not wearing green, then promptly announced that I was a hypocrite for not wearing green myself. It should be an entertaining day to say the least.
This weekend I am going to Las Vegas. I am so blessed to have a wonderful roommate that saw me in my time of need and he decided it was time to get out of the house and have a good time. He is right! I need some good fun! So far the agenda includes gambling, drinking, seeing a show, going clubbing and lounging by the pool. It will be the perfect vacation weekend for me. Let me clear my head, have some fun, and start the process of getting back in touch with the me I was a few months ago. I was so strong and independent. I didn't need anyone or anything, and that girl needs to reign supreme. And when she is back maybe then I will consider letting someone into my heart again. I need to heal. I need to be -me-. And I look forward to this adventure.
Last night I took a nice long bath with some lavendar and sage oils, lit some candles, prayed that Kyle finds peace and happiness in himself, and that I can do the same. Had a little hypno-therapy session with Albie, which I am going to continue to do because it is a good way to relax and meditate and get rid of all my stray thoughts. Then I lost myself in classical music, cuddled with Beep and fell asleep. Granted, I woke up every hour, but I think the more I relax the easier it will be for me to sleep soundly without nightmares. The good news is, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I don't remember my nightmares. Which is a good sign. I think the cleansing aspect of the sage oil really helped. I might just dab a little on my wrists before I go to bed to have that smell.
Other than that, I think I am doing pretty well. It is going to be a long day at work, and an even longer night at school. But after that I am going to hit the gym and spend some time with my roommates. They are going to be an anchor for me because no matter what I go through, they have always accepted and loved me no matter what. And that is the way it is supposed to be. It is never a burden when I am needy and want to spend time with them, or when I am crying and need a hug. They are patient and loving, and I couldn't have ended up with a better bunch of people.
It is going to be a good week. Tomorrow night I am going to go out with Nick and Jason (to buy Nick a post-birthday beer), Thursday Albie and I are going shopping for some sufficient club clothing, and Friday we are off to Vegas. And after Vegas I am going to quit smoking. This time for good. While it is relaxing right now, the long term damage that it is doing to my lungs and my running time is not worth the momentary flush of nicotine. And now that it is light after I am off of work, I think Jack and I are going to spend much more time together. I've been neglecting him way too much, and I need my man more than he knows. As long as I come with carrots in hand, I think we'll be alright.
So, today is the beginning of a new chapter. And I am in control of what is written.
Kim
Today is St. Patrick's Day. And to protest it, I am not wearing green! Actually, I am not protesting it, I am just wondering how many people will come up to me and pinch me because of that fact, it might be a good way to network! Who knows! I've already harassed someone in the hallway about not wearing green, then promptly announced that I was a hypocrite for not wearing green myself. It should be an entertaining day to say the least.
This weekend I am going to Las Vegas. I am so blessed to have a wonderful roommate that saw me in my time of need and he decided it was time to get out of the house and have a good time. He is right! I need some good fun! So far the agenda includes gambling, drinking, seeing a show, going clubbing and lounging by the pool. It will be the perfect vacation weekend for me. Let me clear my head, have some fun, and start the process of getting back in touch with the me I was a few months ago. I was so strong and independent. I didn't need anyone or anything, and that girl needs to reign supreme. And when she is back maybe then I will consider letting someone into my heart again. I need to heal. I need to be -me-. And I look forward to this adventure.
Last night I took a nice long bath with some lavendar and sage oils, lit some candles, prayed that Kyle finds peace and happiness in himself, and that I can do the same. Had a little hypno-therapy session with Albie, which I am going to continue to do because it is a good way to relax and meditate and get rid of all my stray thoughts. Then I lost myself in classical music, cuddled with Beep and fell asleep. Granted, I woke up every hour, but I think the more I relax the easier it will be for me to sleep soundly without nightmares. The good news is, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I don't remember my nightmares. Which is a good sign. I think the cleansing aspect of the sage oil really helped. I might just dab a little on my wrists before I go to bed to have that smell.
Other than that, I think I am doing pretty well. It is going to be a long day at work, and an even longer night at school. But after that I am going to hit the gym and spend some time with my roommates. They are going to be an anchor for me because no matter what I go through, they have always accepted and loved me no matter what. And that is the way it is supposed to be. It is never a burden when I am needy and want to spend time with them, or when I am crying and need a hug. They are patient and loving, and I couldn't have ended up with a better bunch of people.
It is going to be a good week. Tomorrow night I am going to go out with Nick and Jason (to buy Nick a post-birthday beer), Thursday Albie and I are going shopping for some sufficient club clothing, and Friday we are off to Vegas. And after Vegas I am going to quit smoking. This time for good. While it is relaxing right now, the long term damage that it is doing to my lungs and my running time is not worth the momentary flush of nicotine. And now that it is light after I am off of work, I think Jack and I are going to spend much more time together. I've been neglecting him way too much, and I need my man more than he knows. As long as I come with carrots in hand, I think we'll be alright.
So, today is the beginning of a new chapter. And I am in control of what is written.
Kim
Monday, March 16, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Dear Granna,
And just like that, it is like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. We're going to try to rebuild our friendship... we both agree that it has become too much for both of us, and that we need to start over. That will be good for us. I need to find me again. If we are meant to be together, then someday we might be, but for now... I need to love myself.
Kim
And just like that, it is like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. We're going to try to rebuild our friendship... we both agree that it has become too much for both of us, and that we need to start over. That will be good for us. I need to find me again. If we are meant to be together, then someday we might be, but for now... I need to love myself.
Kim
Monday, March 16, 2009
Dear Granna,
Fuck my neediness. Fuck my longing to be needed and wanted and loved. Fuck clinging to things too hard and smothering them. Fuck everything that makes me, me. Everything that I want, everything I hope for, everything that I love... I always drive it away. I don't know how to be calm and patient. I don't know how to relax. I try. I really, really try. But in the end, I always ruin things. I always push too far.
In the deepest part of my heart, I feel so sorry for Kyle for having ever met me. And I don't blame him for shutting me out. I would shut me out too. Even though I always give everything I can to people, there always is a consequence. I get dependant. I get anxious. And I fall apart. The smart ones run away. I am like a tornado in people's lives, and once I've sufficiently driven them crazy, then it is time for them to take anchor and send me away.
I am an emotional rollercoaster with a primal need to be loved. But I always want to be loved by the ones that I can't have. I am driven by unrealistic hope and when reality finally sets in, it is like a crushing weight on me. I wish I could let go. I wish I could breathe. I wish my heart didn't ache. I tried so hard. I pushed too hard. And in the end...what do I have? Nothing.
I am going to miss the laughter and the smiles. I am going to miss feeling at home with a wonderful group of people. I'm going to miss his smell, his taste, his warm body...everything. But he doesn't need me. He doesn't need this. No one does. I am so pathetic. I am so weak. Why can't I be strong like you? Why do I let the tears flow freely? Why am I so much like my mother? I am at the bottom of a karma wheel that I will never get out of. For all the awful things I have done, this is what I deserve. Silence.
I just wanted to be cared about.
Kim
Fuck my neediness. Fuck my longing to be needed and wanted and loved. Fuck clinging to things too hard and smothering them. Fuck everything that makes me, me. Everything that I want, everything I hope for, everything that I love... I always drive it away. I don't know how to be calm and patient. I don't know how to relax. I try. I really, really try. But in the end, I always ruin things. I always push too far.
In the deepest part of my heart, I feel so sorry for Kyle for having ever met me. And I don't blame him for shutting me out. I would shut me out too. Even though I always give everything I can to people, there always is a consequence. I get dependant. I get anxious. And I fall apart. The smart ones run away. I am like a tornado in people's lives, and once I've sufficiently driven them crazy, then it is time for them to take anchor and send me away.
I am an emotional rollercoaster with a primal need to be loved. But I always want to be loved by the ones that I can't have. I am driven by unrealistic hope and when reality finally sets in, it is like a crushing weight on me. I wish I could let go. I wish I could breathe. I wish my heart didn't ache. I tried so hard. I pushed too hard. And in the end...what do I have? Nothing.
I am going to miss the laughter and the smiles. I am going to miss feeling at home with a wonderful group of people. I'm going to miss his smell, his taste, his warm body...everything. But he doesn't need me. He doesn't need this. No one does. I am so pathetic. I am so weak. Why can't I be strong like you? Why do I let the tears flow freely? Why am I so much like my mother? I am at the bottom of a karma wheel that I will never get out of. For all the awful things I have done, this is what I deserve. Silence.
I just wanted to be cared about.
Kim
Monday, March 16, 2009
Dear Granna,
He is pushing me away right now. Not affectionate, not responsive, avoiding me. I don't know if it is that I am smothering him, if he is getting bored of me (we've been down this road before) or what. Ontop of that, he found out on Saturday that his grandfather had a heart-attack, and suddenly I was having flashbacks of losing you and emotions ran wild. I want to take the pain and fear away from him, I want to help him through this like he helped me through the ordeal with Ryan's Dad, but he is just closing me out. And I don't know what to do. My nature is to protect him, but I am wondering if I should step back. I know the hardest thing is not knowing. The next hardest thing is regret...for not being there. I offered him any help I could give, and without thought of reciprocation, or any personal gain, I offered to take him out to Nevada and let him visit with his Grandfather. My biggest regret was not seeing you before you passed, and I don't want him to live with that.
But he has to make that choice on his own. All I can do is offer. And hope that he will let me in enough so that I can walk beside him so he doesn't feel alone. Granted, he has his family and his friends, but I'd like to hope that I have a part in his life as well. I am so tired of this death and dying, I'm tired of seeing people I care about hurt. Why can't I just take it all away from them so they don't have to?
Though, my other question to myself is... why do I invest myself emotionally in someone who may not even want me around? I guess we'll see what his response is. So far I have heard nothing from him, not positive or negative response to my wanting to help. I just need to breathe.
Kim
He is pushing me away right now. Not affectionate, not responsive, avoiding me. I don't know if it is that I am smothering him, if he is getting bored of me (we've been down this road before) or what. Ontop of that, he found out on Saturday that his grandfather had a heart-attack, and suddenly I was having flashbacks of losing you and emotions ran wild. I want to take the pain and fear away from him, I want to help him through this like he helped me through the ordeal with Ryan's Dad, but he is just closing me out. And I don't know what to do. My nature is to protect him, but I am wondering if I should step back. I know the hardest thing is not knowing. The next hardest thing is regret...for not being there. I offered him any help I could give, and without thought of reciprocation, or any personal gain, I offered to take him out to Nevada and let him visit with his Grandfather. My biggest regret was not seeing you before you passed, and I don't want him to live with that.
But he has to make that choice on his own. All I can do is offer. And hope that he will let me in enough so that I can walk beside him so he doesn't feel alone. Granted, he has his family and his friends, but I'd like to hope that I have a part in his life as well. I am so tired of this death and dying, I'm tired of seeing people I care about hurt. Why can't I just take it all away from them so they don't have to?
Though, my other question to myself is... why do I invest myself emotionally in someone who may not even want me around? I guess we'll see what his response is. So far I have heard nothing from him, not positive or negative response to my wanting to help. I just need to breathe.
Kim
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Dear Granna,
I do not understand men at all. One minute you think everything is okay, the next minute they are making excuses and putting the halt on all of your plans. Originally Kyle and I were supposed to get together this weekend to go to LA on Friday. That trip was cancelled so he could visit his grandfather for half a day on Friday. Yesterday that half day became a whole day, and he is probably spending the night, and then through Saturday. He just seemed really avoidant when I asked him to keep me posted about when he is coming home. I joked with him and told him I wished I could go hang out with his family because I adored them, and he said, "Trust me, there will be plenty of opportunities in the future." What does that mean? Is that his way of just appeasing me right now because I feel abandoned, or does that mean I'm going to be in his life long enough to continue to visit with his family? I just don't get him at all. How can he say something like that, but then not make solid plans to see me any time soon? So, I did what I always do when I want to fly below the radar. I deleted his number out of my phone, and every possible way to contact him. Maybe a few days without me will be good for him. I know it is going to be good for me. I'm going to go running, hang out with my roommates, see my horse, have lunch with one of my besties who is coming down from Berkley... Who knows what else. I think the thing I will miss the most is just waking up beside him in the morning. I just like having someone there with me to pet me back to sleep when I'm startled awake by a horrible nightmare. Someone's body heat to share when I'm cold, someone to rub noses with in the morning when I am trying to get him up... Maybe he is just convinced I am only in it for the sex. I wish he understood.
I have also been having this weird sensation on my left hand. Every now and again I will panic when I rub my left ring and middle finger together because it feels like I am missing something there. The strange part is, I haven't had a ring on that finger for as long as I can remember. Not since I was engaged to Nick, really. So why all of the sudden is my brain convinced something should be there? Beth thinks that it is my brain searching for some kind of comfort and I should replace the feeling with an actual ring to see if it alleviates the panic. Liz thinks that it could be a premonition of sorts...but honestly, who is going to propose to me, if not her? It is just strange. Just thinking about it makes me rub my fingers together and search for the cold metal that should be there, but isn't. What is wrong with me, Granna? Am I projecting?
I got tired of wearing flat shoes. I had been doing it because it was supposed to give my shins a break from all the work I had been doing on them. But I miss being tall. I miss having a heel that makes my legs look long and slender. I miss feeling sexy. I haven't been feeling sexy enough lately. Even though multiple people have commented that I am looking thinner, and everyone really likes the darker hair color. I just...I don't know. So I've started a new routine in the morning. Wash the face, put on anti-wrinkle cream, and some stuff to help with the bags under my eyes. Put on make-up when I feel like it, so that I can just feel attractive. I don't know, rejection always makes me feel ugly. But I have to remember it is not always about physical beauty. I have a beautiful personality and a kind soul. People will sense that in me, and they will look past my shallow exterior. It is funny, because for the first time in my life I am really becoming critical of my physical appearance. Perhaps it is because of all the physical and emotional changes I have been through. I've never felt beautiful enough, or skinny enough, or good enough. Even with all the progress I've made, sometimes I still don't feel that way. Is that Mom in me? She has trained us our whole life that we want to look like the models, we want to be beautiful to obtain a handsome man that will take care of us... It is so hard to get over that training. I wish I could just be happy being me.
Sigh. I don't know anymore, Granna. I thought all of my good things that I have been doing lately would have spun my Karma wheel and suddenly good things would start happening to me, but it seems I am still at the bottom.
Oh well, I just need to keep my chin up and my chest out and stay positive, right? It could always be worse.
Kim
I do not understand men at all. One minute you think everything is okay, the next minute they are making excuses and putting the halt on all of your plans. Originally Kyle and I were supposed to get together this weekend to go to LA on Friday. That trip was cancelled so he could visit his grandfather for half a day on Friday. Yesterday that half day became a whole day, and he is probably spending the night, and then through Saturday. He just seemed really avoidant when I asked him to keep me posted about when he is coming home. I joked with him and told him I wished I could go hang out with his family because I adored them, and he said, "Trust me, there will be plenty of opportunities in the future." What does that mean? Is that his way of just appeasing me right now because I feel abandoned, or does that mean I'm going to be in his life long enough to continue to visit with his family? I just don't get him at all. How can he say something like that, but then not make solid plans to see me any time soon? So, I did what I always do when I want to fly below the radar. I deleted his number out of my phone, and every possible way to contact him. Maybe a few days without me will be good for him. I know it is going to be good for me. I'm going to go running, hang out with my roommates, see my horse, have lunch with one of my besties who is coming down from Berkley... Who knows what else. I think the thing I will miss the most is just waking up beside him in the morning. I just like having someone there with me to pet me back to sleep when I'm startled awake by a horrible nightmare. Someone's body heat to share when I'm cold, someone to rub noses with in the morning when I am trying to get him up... Maybe he is just convinced I am only in it for the sex. I wish he understood.
I have also been having this weird sensation on my left hand. Every now and again I will panic when I rub my left ring and middle finger together because it feels like I am missing something there. The strange part is, I haven't had a ring on that finger for as long as I can remember. Not since I was engaged to Nick, really. So why all of the sudden is my brain convinced something should be there? Beth thinks that it is my brain searching for some kind of comfort and I should replace the feeling with an actual ring to see if it alleviates the panic. Liz thinks that it could be a premonition of sorts...but honestly, who is going to propose to me, if not her? It is just strange. Just thinking about it makes me rub my fingers together and search for the cold metal that should be there, but isn't. What is wrong with me, Granna? Am I projecting?
I got tired of wearing flat shoes. I had been doing it because it was supposed to give my shins a break from all the work I had been doing on them. But I miss being tall. I miss having a heel that makes my legs look long and slender. I miss feeling sexy. I haven't been feeling sexy enough lately. Even though multiple people have commented that I am looking thinner, and everyone really likes the darker hair color. I just...I don't know. So I've started a new routine in the morning. Wash the face, put on anti-wrinkle cream, and some stuff to help with the bags under my eyes. Put on make-up when I feel like it, so that I can just feel attractive. I don't know, rejection always makes me feel ugly. But I have to remember it is not always about physical beauty. I have a beautiful personality and a kind soul. People will sense that in me, and they will look past my shallow exterior. It is funny, because for the first time in my life I am really becoming critical of my physical appearance. Perhaps it is because of all the physical and emotional changes I have been through. I've never felt beautiful enough, or skinny enough, or good enough. Even with all the progress I've made, sometimes I still don't feel that way. Is that Mom in me? She has trained us our whole life that we want to look like the models, we want to be beautiful to obtain a handsome man that will take care of us... It is so hard to get over that training. I wish I could just be happy being me.
Sigh. I don't know anymore, Granna. I thought all of my good things that I have been doing lately would have spun my Karma wheel and suddenly good things would start happening to me, but it seems I am still at the bottom.
Oh well, I just need to keep my chin up and my chest out and stay positive, right? It could always be worse.
Kim
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Dear Granna,
I am having one of those moments where I am asking myself "What the hell am I doing here?" While I know I said I was going to try to enjoy each day as it comes, and not worry about the future, but at the same time, don't I deserve to know what is going to happen? Don't I deserve to know how someone is feeling?
Maybe I'm just scared of the truth. Maybe I make excuses for him so that I don't have to see the reality of it all. Or maybe I just need to stay positive, stay the course, and things will turn out the way I want them to. It is the not knowing that is killing me. I suppose that is part of the adventure, never knowing which was is up, and where we are going.
I am trying to fight the butterflies, trying to fight the insecurity, trying to fight the paranoia, and just be happy. Sometimes it is just hard.
If I am still in the realm of not-knowing in a couple months, there is going to be a talk.
Kim
I am having one of those moments where I am asking myself "What the hell am I doing here?" While I know I said I was going to try to enjoy each day as it comes, and not worry about the future, but at the same time, don't I deserve to know what is going to happen? Don't I deserve to know how someone is feeling?
Maybe I'm just scared of the truth. Maybe I make excuses for him so that I don't have to see the reality of it all. Or maybe I just need to stay positive, stay the course, and things will turn out the way I want them to. It is the not knowing that is killing me. I suppose that is part of the adventure, never knowing which was is up, and where we are going.
I am trying to fight the butterflies, trying to fight the insecurity, trying to fight the paranoia, and just be happy. Sometimes it is just hard.
If I am still in the realm of not-knowing in a couple months, there is going to be a talk.
Kim
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Dear Granna,
How is it that no matter how walled off you try to make yourself, how cold you try to get your heart to be, that when someone says the right thing it can still make your heart flutter, even after you swore to yourself that you wouldn't let yourself go down this path again?
I know I promised myself that I would take it day-by-day, and maybe it is the caffeine that is just making me excited, but it is a good feeling. And I am so scared of it.
Kim
How is it that no matter how walled off you try to make yourself, how cold you try to get your heart to be, that when someone says the right thing it can still make your heart flutter, even after you swore to yourself that you wouldn't let yourself go down this path again?
I know I promised myself that I would take it day-by-day, and maybe it is the caffeine that is just making me excited, but it is a good feeling. And I am so scared of it.
Kim
Monday, March 9, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Dear Granna,
How do we grieve? I mean, what is the proper way to do so? Do we cry? Do we celebrate? Should we be with family? Should we be alone? No matter how many times death happens in my family, I never quite know what to do.
Yesterday morning, Ryan's father passed away. He had been fighting cancer for the past year, but it was finally time to go. My heart aches for the loss of Jen and Ryan, and Ciaran. And I don't know how to grieve. It is not that I am grieving for Dan, I didn't know him well enough to really feel a big loss, but I am saddened by the loss of his life and the effect it is having on this family. Jen is trying to be strong for Ryan, but when I talk to her I can hear the shake in her voice, and it just makes me break down entirely. Why does death have to be so hard? Why do good people have to die so young?
I tried to stay active yesterday, keep my mind off things, and I am thankful for my friends who helped me through the day. But once all the activity was gone, my mind started to wander, and I was a sobbing mess, simply because I wish I could take the pain away from Jen and Ryan. Take it and deal with it so they don't have to grieve. But I can't. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing anyone can do. They both have to heal on their own and I have to try to be strong for them. But it is hard. Because apparently I have compassion for everyone and everything and when I see people hurting, it tears me up inside. Is that a weakness? Caring for everything around you? Treating life like it is precious and mourning when it gets snuffed out?
I guess we all deal with death in different ways. I just hope this experience helps make me strong, so when it happens again in my lifetime I will be a little more well-adjusted. Fewer tears will be shed, my heart wont ache as much... and I wont wish to feel nothing.
Kim
How do we grieve? I mean, what is the proper way to do so? Do we cry? Do we celebrate? Should we be with family? Should we be alone? No matter how many times death happens in my family, I never quite know what to do.
Yesterday morning, Ryan's father passed away. He had been fighting cancer for the past year, but it was finally time to go. My heart aches for the loss of Jen and Ryan, and Ciaran. And I don't know how to grieve. It is not that I am grieving for Dan, I didn't know him well enough to really feel a big loss, but I am saddened by the loss of his life and the effect it is having on this family. Jen is trying to be strong for Ryan, but when I talk to her I can hear the shake in her voice, and it just makes me break down entirely. Why does death have to be so hard? Why do good people have to die so young?
I tried to stay active yesterday, keep my mind off things, and I am thankful for my friends who helped me through the day. But once all the activity was gone, my mind started to wander, and I was a sobbing mess, simply because I wish I could take the pain away from Jen and Ryan. Take it and deal with it so they don't have to grieve. But I can't. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing anyone can do. They both have to heal on their own and I have to try to be strong for them. But it is hard. Because apparently I have compassion for everyone and everything and when I see people hurting, it tears me up inside. Is that a weakness? Caring for everything around you? Treating life like it is precious and mourning when it gets snuffed out?
I guess we all deal with death in different ways. I just hope this experience helps make me strong, so when it happens again in my lifetime I will be a little more well-adjusted. Fewer tears will be shed, my heart wont ache as much... and I wont wish to feel nothing.
Kim
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Dear Granna,
I can't believe it is March. It seems like this year is flying by and I haven't even had time to catch my breath yet! I suppose that is what happens when you have such a busy schedule, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. It is good to be busy. You know how I get when I have nothing to do. Always running.
Another wonderful weekend full of laughter and friends. Spent it going out, staying in, watching movies, cuddling, seeing fish and whales... Just so much in a short period of time (and when I asked Kyle to shave, he actually listened to me and did so).
But what is a weekend without tears? Sunday night, after I had been in the car when one of my friends got rear-ended at a stoplight, I had a near-death experience myself. I was driving home from Carlsbad, I hadn't made it very far from the boys' house... And someone was driving on the wrong side of the road. I thought maybe he was avoiding something, but as he made no effort to get out of my lane, my heart began to quicken and everything seemed to move in slow motion. I jerked my steering wheel and swerved out of the way of this person, and then stopped on the side of the road. Hysteria set in and I just lost it...and turned around and went back to the boys' house. Once I was there I broke down and just started crying, my body dumping all the adrenaline it could into my system and the scene just replaying over and over in my head. All of the what-ifs...what I hadn't done with my life, what would have happened if I had been hit...how horrible it had been that I hadn't kissed Kyle goodbye... And before I knew it, Kyle had his arms wrapped around me and he just sat there with me and told me I was safe and everything was going to be okay. And then he told me that I was going to stay that evening because I was too emotional to drive. I ended up taking a shower because I was so cold, where he joined me and just held onto me and kept telling me I was going to be okay, and my reaction was normal because it was a near-death experience. Being hit head-on by a lifted truck would have most likely done some serious damage to me.
Afterwards we lay in bed and watched some tv, while he rubbed my calf before snuggling up next to me while I fell asleep. He took my glasses off and put them on his desk and tucked me into the blankets and just let me rest. I woke up a few times thrashing in the night, where he would tell me I was okay and coax me back to sleep. When I got up on Monday morning, I gave him a lingering kiss on the forehead and told him I would see him. He held my face to him with his hand tangled in my hair and I walked out of the house slowly. Got home, fell asleep, then went back up where we spent the whole day running errands, being silly and doing stuff together. It was good to have him there to keep me sane.
When I went to leave last night, I gave him a lingering hug in the kitchen and he kissed me gently on the forehead when I thanked him for everything. It was a good moment. And then I realized, as I was leaving, I was irrevocably in love with him. And I don't know how this is going to turn out. I suppose I should just embrace the day and go from there. For now, I'll just be happy. Happy to be alive. Happy to be cared about. Happy to just be.
Kim
I can't believe it is March. It seems like this year is flying by and I haven't even had time to catch my breath yet! I suppose that is what happens when you have such a busy schedule, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. It is good to be busy. You know how I get when I have nothing to do. Always running.
Another wonderful weekend full of laughter and friends. Spent it going out, staying in, watching movies, cuddling, seeing fish and whales... Just so much in a short period of time (and when I asked Kyle to shave, he actually listened to me and did so).
But what is a weekend without tears? Sunday night, after I had been in the car when one of my friends got rear-ended at a stoplight, I had a near-death experience myself. I was driving home from Carlsbad, I hadn't made it very far from the boys' house... And someone was driving on the wrong side of the road. I thought maybe he was avoiding something, but as he made no effort to get out of my lane, my heart began to quicken and everything seemed to move in slow motion. I jerked my steering wheel and swerved out of the way of this person, and then stopped on the side of the road. Hysteria set in and I just lost it...and turned around and went back to the boys' house. Once I was there I broke down and just started crying, my body dumping all the adrenaline it could into my system and the scene just replaying over and over in my head. All of the what-ifs...what I hadn't done with my life, what would have happened if I had been hit...how horrible it had been that I hadn't kissed Kyle goodbye... And before I knew it, Kyle had his arms wrapped around me and he just sat there with me and told me I was safe and everything was going to be okay. And then he told me that I was going to stay that evening because I was too emotional to drive. I ended up taking a shower because I was so cold, where he joined me and just held onto me and kept telling me I was going to be okay, and my reaction was normal because it was a near-death experience. Being hit head-on by a lifted truck would have most likely done some serious damage to me.
Afterwards we lay in bed and watched some tv, while he rubbed my calf before snuggling up next to me while I fell asleep. He took my glasses off and put them on his desk and tucked me into the blankets and just let me rest. I woke up a few times thrashing in the night, where he would tell me I was okay and coax me back to sleep. When I got up on Monday morning, I gave him a lingering kiss on the forehead and told him I would see him. He held my face to him with his hand tangled in my hair and I walked out of the house slowly. Got home, fell asleep, then went back up where we spent the whole day running errands, being silly and doing stuff together. It was good to have him there to keep me sane.
When I went to leave last night, I gave him a lingering hug in the kitchen and he kissed me gently on the forehead when I thanked him for everything. It was a good moment. And then I realized, as I was leaving, I was irrevocably in love with him. And I don't know how this is going to turn out. I suppose I should just embrace the day and go from there. For now, I'll just be happy. Happy to be alive. Happy to be cared about. Happy to just be.
Kim
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)