Dear Granna,
We run hot and cold. Some days he is very affectionate, some days he shuts me out. Saturday was a hot day, Sunday was a cold day. I talked to him Friday night about his actions, and he said he had just been feeling very unattractive lately, that it wasn't me... he just feels bad about himself. Hopefully he will understand that it is not all physical for me, that I do enjoy his company... But that is something he is going to have to get through on his own.
We did go out on Saturday and have a good time, and he is very thankful for that...so hopefully he will start feeling a little better now.
Granted, I think he should be the last thing I need to worry about at this point. School starts up again today, I'm starting training for my marathon...I'm trying to get things squared away for law school... worrying about starting/maintaining a relationship with someone who I have no idea what he is feeling... Have to get my priorities straight.
I signed up to take the LSAT again in September. That gives me some time over the summer to study for it, and then my scores will be released before the end of the year, so I can start applying in October/November. I know I said one of my goals this year was to get into law school, but I don't know if I will be accepted or not until 2010 I'm sure. I guess we'll see, at least I'll start getting those applications out there! I have to still ask my attorneys for letters...I feel nervous about it, but at the same time, I have given them a year and a half of my life, the least they could do is say that I am a good employee, and I will be a great attorney. I mean, they can lie if they want, I just need the pull of their names and the firm.
This is my future, I hope they can help me obtain it.
Kim
Monday, January 26, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Dear Granna,
He could have left me on the couch...but instead he woke me up and took me to bed. It is stuff like that that makes me wonder what he is thinking.
Kim
He could have left me on the couch...but instead he woke me up and took me to bed. It is stuff like that that makes me wonder what he is thinking.
Kim
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009.
Dear Granna,
I am fighting against my nature right now... to take things personally and feel like I did something wrong, or that I am not good enough, or feel heartbroken...and I wonder where my strength went? I had been doing so well, been spending time with Kyle, enjoying him, and this weekend he was just...off. I don't know, hardly touched me, hardly kissed me (unless I kissed him first). Maybe...maybe he really doesn't feel anything and he is actually just using me? I guess I was a fool to hope that something would come of this... but you know what they say about love, it makes us fools.
Thankfully, school is starting soon. I'll be able to distract myself with school and more running...and only see him a couple times a week. Maybe that distance will help him appreciate the time I spend on him. Or maybe not. It is funny when you stay a whole weekend with someone, and you can't wait to get out of there because you just feel unwelcome. Part of me wishes he would just be a man and tell me to get lost...but like I said, maybe I am reading him wrong. He assures me he isn't tired of me...but I can't help but wonder.
Oh well. Need to focus on other things. Need to stay strong. Need to protect my fragile heart. At the same time, I need to be patient and kind. We are walking down a very precarious path, and I Need to make sure he doesn't push me down.
Kim
I am fighting against my nature right now... to take things personally and feel like I did something wrong, or that I am not good enough, or feel heartbroken...and I wonder where my strength went? I had been doing so well, been spending time with Kyle, enjoying him, and this weekend he was just...off. I don't know, hardly touched me, hardly kissed me (unless I kissed him first). Maybe...maybe he really doesn't feel anything and he is actually just using me? I guess I was a fool to hope that something would come of this... but you know what they say about love, it makes us fools.
Thankfully, school is starting soon. I'll be able to distract myself with school and more running...and only see him a couple times a week. Maybe that distance will help him appreciate the time I spend on him. Or maybe not. It is funny when you stay a whole weekend with someone, and you can't wait to get out of there because you just feel unwelcome. Part of me wishes he would just be a man and tell me to get lost...but like I said, maybe I am reading him wrong. He assures me he isn't tired of me...but I can't help but wonder.
Oh well. Need to focus on other things. Need to stay strong. Need to protect my fragile heart. At the same time, I need to be patient and kind. We are walking down a very precarious path, and I Need to make sure he doesn't push me down.
Kim
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Dear Granna,
I can't believe it is a new year already. Last year was so...hard. But when I look back on it, it went by so quickly. Granted, at times when my heart was aching, time couldn't go fast enough. Now that I am here, I almost wished I had savored more moments in my life. It is why I try to savor them now. To enjoy all of the little things, because someday I might not be able to. I try to focus on the good things, like the feel of my sheets and comforter when I wake up in the morning and don't have to get out of bed...the way the sun licks my cheeks on a cold day and warms me up just a little bit, the way my eyes will flash gold when the light hits them just right... how good it feels to hug a loved one, or look down at my smiling nephew. It is all these things that make me really appreciate that I am alive. I am so very lucky.
2008 was a year of change. Of growth. Of new direction. Discovering things about myself that I didn't know, and getting rid of things about myself that I didn't need. I am trying to be more patient, more kind, more respectful, more loving. I had done such a good job of walling myself up, that I forgot how good it felt to just...love people. To care for them. To give to them. I really enjoy that aspect of my life.
And then there is the...frustrating aspect of my life. Kyle is doing well. He is making huge leaps in his recovery. Next week he is going to get x-rays again to see how his bones are healing and if he will need additional surgery. We rang in the New Year together and fell asleep in each other's arms. We have our moments when it really feels like we are opening up to one another and this might actually go somewhere, and then we have our moments where he completely shuts me out and we're back to bickering and me remembering why we aren't together in the first place. I know love is patient and kind, so I am trying to be as caring for him as I can without falling too deeply for him. My resolve just breaks down so much when he wraps me in his arms and just holds me for no other reason than to just hold me. We spend a lot of time together. We sleep together. His family already thinks we're in a relationship, all of his friends think we are in a relationship...but why do we both hesitate about just stating the obvious - we're good for one another. I can't let this get out of hand. I need to not expect anything, that way if nothing does happen, then I wont be disappointed.
But he still does things that absolutely shock me. Yesterday we were on a little outing, driving down to the scene of the accident. He hadn't been there since he was laying on the ground waiting for the ambulance. On the way we had been talking about engagements, and how his previous fiance had said yes, then changed her mind two weeks later. I assured him that the next person he proposed to wouldn't say no and change her mind, and he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Will you marry me?" I laughed and patted him on the leg and told him yes, and he laughed, but withdrew into his thoughts again. I know it was meant as a joke, but why would he say something like that? It is so strange. And then experiencing the accident scene, finding pieces of his bike, seeing the skid marks and the ambulance tracks, trying to piece together how it all happened... It was such an honor to be able to share that with him. That he would want to do it with me, and no have anyone else there.
I don't know. I'm just...I'm just trying to stay apathetic towards the whole thing. If you don't get your hopes up, you aren't disappointed, right? I've got more important things to focus on. I've got the Marathon (which I am signed up for now), and I've got to start studying for the LSAT again so I can apply to law school this year. I might not be into law school until next year, but at least I will be well on my way. Hell, if I am an attorney before 35, I will be happy.
So, here is 2009. Another set of huge challenges I have set for myself. But I can do it.
Kim
I can't believe it is a new year already. Last year was so...hard. But when I look back on it, it went by so quickly. Granted, at times when my heart was aching, time couldn't go fast enough. Now that I am here, I almost wished I had savored more moments in my life. It is why I try to savor them now. To enjoy all of the little things, because someday I might not be able to. I try to focus on the good things, like the feel of my sheets and comforter when I wake up in the morning and don't have to get out of bed...the way the sun licks my cheeks on a cold day and warms me up just a little bit, the way my eyes will flash gold when the light hits them just right... how good it feels to hug a loved one, or look down at my smiling nephew. It is all these things that make me really appreciate that I am alive. I am so very lucky.
2008 was a year of change. Of growth. Of new direction. Discovering things about myself that I didn't know, and getting rid of things about myself that I didn't need. I am trying to be more patient, more kind, more respectful, more loving. I had done such a good job of walling myself up, that I forgot how good it felt to just...love people. To care for them. To give to them. I really enjoy that aspect of my life.
And then there is the...frustrating aspect of my life. Kyle is doing well. He is making huge leaps in his recovery. Next week he is going to get x-rays again to see how his bones are healing and if he will need additional surgery. We rang in the New Year together and fell asleep in each other's arms. We have our moments when it really feels like we are opening up to one another and this might actually go somewhere, and then we have our moments where he completely shuts me out and we're back to bickering and me remembering why we aren't together in the first place. I know love is patient and kind, so I am trying to be as caring for him as I can without falling too deeply for him. My resolve just breaks down so much when he wraps me in his arms and just holds me for no other reason than to just hold me. We spend a lot of time together. We sleep together. His family already thinks we're in a relationship, all of his friends think we are in a relationship...but why do we both hesitate about just stating the obvious - we're good for one another. I can't let this get out of hand. I need to not expect anything, that way if nothing does happen, then I wont be disappointed.
But he still does things that absolutely shock me. Yesterday we were on a little outing, driving down to the scene of the accident. He hadn't been there since he was laying on the ground waiting for the ambulance. On the way we had been talking about engagements, and how his previous fiance had said yes, then changed her mind two weeks later. I assured him that the next person he proposed to wouldn't say no and change her mind, and he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Will you marry me?" I laughed and patted him on the leg and told him yes, and he laughed, but withdrew into his thoughts again. I know it was meant as a joke, but why would he say something like that? It is so strange. And then experiencing the accident scene, finding pieces of his bike, seeing the skid marks and the ambulance tracks, trying to piece together how it all happened... It was such an honor to be able to share that with him. That he would want to do it with me, and no have anyone else there.
I don't know. I'm just...I'm just trying to stay apathetic towards the whole thing. If you don't get your hopes up, you aren't disappointed, right? I've got more important things to focus on. I've got the Marathon (which I am signed up for now), and I've got to start studying for the LSAT again so I can apply to law school this year. I might not be into law school until next year, but at least I will be well on my way. Hell, if I am an attorney before 35, I will be happy.
So, here is 2009. Another set of huge challenges I have set for myself. But I can do it.
Kim
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