Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dear Granna,

Another year winding down. I look back and I wonder where it went... All of the pain and heartache, the joy and love, the adventure and the boredom... It has been a busy year... But not what I expected.

I wanted this year to be the year where I fell in love, where I could give my heart over to someone who would take care of it. Instead, I fell in love with someone who doesn't want me. Someone who I have given everything to, and he has given me nothing in return. And you get stuck. You think that if you just keep loving them they will eventually come around. If you just keep giving and helping and caring and needing. Just hold on a little longer... But things haven't changed. Things are left unspoken, hearts are left aching, wondering. Oh well. I was there for him during a time when he needed someone to be there for him. As he starts to live his life again, he wont need me anymore, so where will I be then?

This year has been full of up and downs, and as it winds to a close... It makes me wonder what 2010 is going to bring for me. Is it going to be the year of change? The year of love? Happiness? Don't I deserve to be loved and happy? Haven't I paid my dues?

My doctor put me back on medication. Life just...breaks down when I don't have something to balance my chemicals. I want to be happy. I don't want to feel fear or anxiety, I don't want to cry myself to sleep because I am lonely, I just want to be. Even if I feel nothing, it is better than aching.

The paralegal program is done. I'm officially certified (once they review my classes), which opens up a whole new career door for me. I need to get back into the legal field. I need to get paid more. I need to find a job that challenges me mentally, and rewards me. Instead of being stuck in a dead-end job where they treat me like I am nothing. Yes, I think 2010 is going to be a big year of change.

The dance is coming to a close, life is picking up. Things look better already. I can't worry too much about the future, but I hope it delivers me something good.

Kim

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Dear Granna,

I haven't been keeping up with writing and for that I am sorry. There are so many things that I want to say, but I just don't have the time to sit down and say them. I am sure you already know what I am doing since I'm terribly predictable. I keep trying to move on, but somehow I keep getting drawn back in. We go to family events, sporting events, theme parks, I spend most of my time on the weekends with him, and yet he still can't even admit that in the depths of his heart there might be something there. Or maybe there isn't. But when you wake up in someone's arms and they ask you if you really have to go, and he pulls you back into a tighter embrace, it becomes very doubtful that there isn't something there.

But I keep trucking along. I keep trying to protect my heart and keep myself busy. If something happens, great, if not, I am enjoying the time I have now, because you never know when it will be your time to go. That's all we can do, right?

My path is blurred in front of me again, I don't know which direction I want to go anymore. I can't afford, nor do I feel like I would do well in Law School. I just feel like with all the corruption in the world of attorneys I would end up developing even more of a hatred for them than anything else. My paralegal program is done this semester and then it is back to school for something else I'm sure. I wish I could find a career, something where I could pay my bills and know that I could be going somewhere.

Or if I could just find my muse again... finish any one of my books and have that under my belt, maybe things would be easier. But every time I sit down to write nothing comes out. There are so many things I want to escape from, but how do I do it?

Other than that, it is more of the same. Waiting. Wanting. Hoping. That's life.

Kim

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Dear Granna,

Time moves quickly when you're staying busy. With work and school and getting out there trying to find myself, it gives me little time to sit down and write. I am sure you are happy about that.

Learning to love myself is quite a journey, I keep falling into old routines and patterns and trying to break them. I guess sometimes it is easier to just go with what you know, instead of venture out into the unknown. But if what you know just leads to heartache, when does enough become enough?

I'm trying to change things, I really am. I want a future. I want someone who wants a future with me. I see Jen and her lfe and I get so jealous because that is the life I should have had. I thought I had done everything right up until a couple years ago when it all fell apart, and I haven't been able to pick up the pieces since then. It seems like that family, that love, that future will never be mine... But I keep on trying. Everyone says it will happen, but why do I have this sinking suspicion that my time will be up before I have a chance to experience it all?

I guess all we can do is keep on living, right? Hope for the best? Sometimes that's all we have.

Kim

Friday, August 28, 2009

Dear Granna,

I admit, I am a horrible, horrible person for not writing sooner. Things have just been... well, they were complicated, out of control, painful, frustrating... I thought that I would never dig myself out of the hole that I had dug for myself...

And then things just started to work out. I found a good job that I am very happy with. I am finding the strength in myself to know when it is time to walk away. When it is time to accept the fact that some things don't change, so we have to live with them and find other things that make us happy.

This year has been a whirlwind of emotion and chance, loss, love, change, laughter, tears, everything... It's not even over yet, but I am thankful for all of the trials I have been through, because it has made me a stronger person. My heart no longer cramps up in my chest when I think about the things that could have been, my stomach doesn't churn when the telephone is quiet for days, I have learned that I need to get out there and find what makes me happy. Find what I deserve. It is going to be a perilous path with more heartbreak, but in the end, wont it be worth it?

I am trying to be a better person. Someone who does good things for others, but doesn't lose herself in the process. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to make it. The path is a little precarious, but in life...when is it not?

I'm writing again. I'm living again. I'm laughing again. And it is okay. I hope I can continue on this upward climb, I missed being happy. I missed being me.

It is about time I found her again.

Kim

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dear Granna,

Yesterday was the 8th Anniversary of Dick's death. The whole day I had been feeling rather blue and crying for no reason, and only when Mom told me what day it was did my mood all of the sudden make sense. I decided to help deal with the grieving process I would write him a letter as well:

Dear Dick,

Eight years. I can't believe that so much time has passed since you last were with us. One would think after all of this time the wound would close and we wouldn't feel the guilt or the loss, but can you ever really forget the people that so dramatically change your life? For the past eight years I have lived with the guilt of how I treated you while you were alive, and in a sense it makes me feel as if I contributed to your death. If I only had been nicer, if I hadn't always caused you so much anger and pain, would you still be with us? I have been told that I need to forgive myself. At that age, it isn't uncommon for teenagers to be in a whirlwind of emotions like I was all the time. But I should have known better. I feel like I should have been more of an adult and maybe things would have been different.

You always taught me to work hard and to shoot for the stars. I wanted to be a cardiologist so that I could figure out a way to fix your heart condition. You helped me get into the most prestigious pre-med program in San Diego, and paid the $16,000 tuition for the first semester without question. You read my book and commented on it, and said I should do what makes me happy and that I had talent. You knew that I was destined for great things, and that changed me in so many ways, when no one else believed in me, you did and taught me to believe in myself. At the time it seems like I wasn't very thankful to you. I took your generosity without any hesitation and took advantage of that. You did so much without ever questioning the what, where or why, because, no matter how much I denied it, you loved us. You loved me.

Have I become the person you had always hoped I would become? I don't know. Right now I am so lost, but finding my way seems easier knowing that maybe now I can let that wound heal and forgive myself for all of the wrongs I did to you. I have to forgive myself, the weight of my youth bears down on me so much I can't breathe. But what does it solve? You can't change the past. You can only use those lessons and move forward. Regardless of everything that happened, everything I did, everything happened for a reason, and maybe you never blamed me for everything. So it is time to stop blaming myself.

You are missed. You were loved, and still are. Without you I wouldn't have had the guidance I needed to grow into a strong woman who takes life by the horns and accomplishes her goal. Thank you, for everything you did and continue to do. Your lessons were not ignored, your words not forgotten and the love will never be denied.

Yours,
~K

I just need some closure after all these years. Maybe this will help me heal.

~Kim

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dear Granna,

Since my last letter things have gotten slightly better. When you are at rock bottom, the only place you can go is up, right? I finally started getting calls back last week, and on Thursday I interviewed for a receptionist position in Del Mar. The pay is not what I am worth, and there are no benefits at this job, but any income is a good income at this point. So, when they offered it to me, I took it. Unfortunately I am highly overqualified and desire more stimulating work, so I am constantly looking for new opportunities. The only problem is I don't know what direction I want my career to go. Law school is out of the question. I can't work in an industry with so many corrupt people. I would get fired too often for trying to do the right thing. Nursing is appealing, but I have this thing about seeing people in pain. I just don't know what I want to do anymore. I suppose I can just pick up any job that makes money and keep writing, but when your muse is on vacation again, it is difficult.

Beyond that... my heart is doing what it always does, aching. Living with a broken heart is something that you never quite get adjusted to. It is either distance, or rejection, or being used... Whatever the case, my heart is always in pieces. Someday I hope to put them all back together. Someday I hope things work out for me. Maybe that is my problem. I hold onto the little bits of hope and end up being disappointed in the end. I've been trying to embrace the day-by-day thing, but sometimes you just want to hope for a future. I just have these extreme ups and downs where I am sick to my stomach and giddy, or sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears. Why do people have to toy with your emotions where one day you feel like they are the center of their universe, and the next...you are nothing but a filthy whore to them... It is frustrating. Do all these games and dancing around really prove anything? Do we have to constantly test one another like this to see if our intentions are good? Why can't people just see that I have a good heart and I love completely, there are no games. I'm not out to hurt anyone.

Have an interview on Saturday with a bigger company that offers benefits and hopefully competitive pay. At this point it is just to pay my bills. But being able to go to the doctor if I get sick or something would be a huge plus. Oh, and being able to keep on the birth control so my random adventures will not have any horrible consequences... My mind was plagued with the most random dream last night. I was pregnant. It was his. It was very close to my delivery date, so I was setting up an appointment at the hospital to be induced. I was ready to do it all on my own. Ready to raise my baby as a single mother and never have to be around him...and he found me. With tears in his eyes he told me he would be there for me. He wanted to be in the delivery room when our child was born. And when it came down to it... while I was laying in the bed hooked up to all the monitors, my swollen belly exposed for all the world to see...he was not there. Funny how our subconscious works. My strange doubt that if I ever did need him to be there for me, he wouldn't be. I guess that is just from experience and we go with what we know.

I just wish that when I close the door he wouldn't kick it down and wrap me in his arms and make me feel safe. It's like when he knows he is losing me, he has to grab onto me. I just lack the strength to walk away. And I don't know why. I guess it always goes back to wanting what you can't have. And it is even more difficult for me because I am friends with his friends...his family knows and adores me...and when I lay awake in his bed watching him sleep, he always has to be touching me. He'll reach out and pull me closer if I'm not there. What is his subconscious telling him?

I'm tired of guessing.

Kim

Thursday, May , 2009

Dear Granna,

It has been entirely too long since I have last written you. When I look back at my letters I see I have been away from you for over a month. So much has happened. I have fallen into a place of darkness and I am clawing at my way to get out.

I lost my job.

I have no money.

Unemployment was denied.

No matter how many places I send my resume to, there are no calls back.

I am scared.

All of these things have driven me to such a dangerous place that I lay down in bed nights, my cheeks raw from crying, hoping, praying that I wont wake up the next morning. Life shouldn't be this hard. Mom calls me weak. Says that you would be ashamed of me for being this way, but when you have no hope, what else is there? It's like I have given up on everything. I don't even have it in me to be positive anymore. Since I lost my job (I was terminated and am currently fighting with the government for unemployment) I just feel useless. Sometimes our jobs define who we are, and without work, without income, without that safety, I feel like I am nothing.

I know I should stay positive. When you're rock bottom, things can only get better, but every time I think I am at the bottom, there always seems to be another ledge to fall down. I've lost my strength again because of this horrible blow to my weakness, and I am ashamed that I keep thinking of a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just put my shoulders back and be positive? When the credit card companies are calling me at nine o'clock at night because I haven't made my payment, I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like I have failed. This isn't the life I am supposed to have.

There is no plan anymore. I don't want to be an attorney. I don't want to have to go through this same bullshit again and again fighting through office politics with bastards who would sooner stab you in the back than help you. I'm trying to write again, but it is coming out weak. Mom thinks I would make a good nurse, but I can't stand to see people in pain. So I am so lost. And alone. I have just retracted into myself and keep hiding, hoping things will get better. Pray that I will get a break for a change. Something will work out.

And every morning when I wake up, nothing has changed. I just want something to change. I have nothing, Granna. Every time someone offers to help me, I get that feeling again. That I have failed in life. That I don't deserve to even be living it. And it is horrible. I am fighting this weakness the best I can. Trying to keep my eyes on the horizon, trying to regain some hope that everything will be alright... It is just hard. I just need something positive. Something good to focus on to and I can't find it. I can't find anything. It feels like my friends are abandoning me, I don't have anything to love or to love me, my family thinks I'm worthless... You can only take so much pain in life.

Please, please tell me it will get better. Tell me everything will be fine. That I wont be worthless forever. I just want to be me again.

Kim

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Dear Granna,

It has been an interesting week. Since last Tuesday I have been on quite a few adventures, so it would seem. Tuesday night dinner went very well. As well as can be expected. We danced the same dance, flirted, drank, had a good time... and then he invited me back to his place - for obvious reasons. Thinking it would be the best way to get rid of him if that was all he was after, I slept with him. It was slow and gentle and confusing, to say the least. As soon as it was over, as I was pulling on my clothes, I decided right there it was time for me to go. So, I didn't hesitate. Packed up my stuff, told him I had fun and left. Went to go hang out with George. The whole evening Kyle was constantly texting me... "concerned" about me getting home safe. I'm not going to lie and say that the possibility of some more action was there, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. As I was laying in bed with George, his arms around me, his lips trailing down my neck, it just felt awkward. There is no doubt an attraction there, but, I needed at least a shower in between first...! Yes, I have become a horrible woman, I know. Much to George's dismay of wanting me to stay, I chose to leave and go home, feeling very wanted from a lot of different directions.

Needless to say, the week was filled with idle chat between Kyle and I. I did my own thing, he did his own thing. Saturday rolls around and he asks me to come up to his parent's house to hang out... he was taking care of his grandfather and wanted company. I agreed and went up. We had a fun evening of listening to stories his grandfather told, playing darts, and pool. It was so interesting to see the kind, gentle side of Kyle, taking care of his grandfather like that. They would joke and play together, and Kyle would bring him juice and stuff to snack on. It was very sweet. There were more shenanigans that night, of course. He walked me to my car afterwards and gave me a big hug and told me to drive home safe. Sunday we didn't talk much, Monday, he texted me and told me he was still at his parent's until Tuesday and he was watching the baseball game and invited me up again. I agreed and went up and watched the tail end of the baseball game with him and his grandfather. Every now and again we would sneak away and he would give me gentle kisses and caresses. We played more darts and drank, and when his grandfather went to sleep, more physical adventures, he practically tore my clothes off next to the pool table, then drug me off to his room. Once we got into the room it was...not hurried. This was after a long discussion of me being nervous and having to collect myself in the bathroom for a minute, at first he wanted to be with me and hold me, and I told him I just needed to clear my head and shooed him out (because I know the path I am walking down and I need to be able to detach mentally). He was way into pleasing me, and giving me what I wanted. He was so worried about hurting me too, being too rough, doing something I didn't like, he kept saying he never wanted to hurt me.

Afterwards we were taking a shower and giggling and talking, and he kept leaning over and giving me soft kisses, on the forehead, on the lips, taking my face in his hands and looking me deep in the eyes. I got dressed afterwards, he walked me to my car and lingered for a moment, before deciding he hadn't had enough of me in the house. Thankfully his parent's house is out in the boonies and I am a voyeur, so, under the stars, pressed up against my car...it was a unique experience. Afterwards he helped me adjust my clothes, gave me more gentle kisses, hugged me tightly then sent me on my way.

I. Don't. Get. It.

It is all on him at this point. I'm not putting my heart on the line anymore for someone who burned me so many times, and I told him that. I told him that I was perfectly content right now, and if he ever wanted progression it was all on him. I think that is fair. That way I am not the one to commit, he has to be. Plus, I enjoy his company and I might as well have some fun. His mood swings are really giving me whip-lash. Why is it that men have to be so complicated? I'm not going to wait for him though, not going to limit myself because if he never steps up, I don't want to have missed out on other opportunities of enjoyment.

In other news, I may lose my job. Which is sad, because I have given them almost two years of my life...they burned me when they told me they wouldn't give me letters of rec for law school, and then told me I was a horrible employee. Now they have this "performance improvement plan" I am supposed to be following which is a load of bullshit, because they know I am capable. But I'll jump through the hoops and smile, and at the end of this probation period we'll see if I have a job. I don't know, maybe it is time for a new chapter in my life? Why can't things just be simple? If I lose my job, I can finish up my certification and go from there, but I need income to pay my bills... the way the economy is right now...nothing like being afraid of declaring bankruptcy, right?

This weekend I'm going out with some lady friends I have the pleasure of knowing. Friday we are doing wine tasting, Saturday dancing, Sunday brunch. It is going to be a fun weekend. I've also started swimming to try to help my back. Running is not really an option, as I get sore really quick and my biggest fear is damaging that disc further. Still trying to walk as much as I can, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do the marathon. We'll see. That is the best I can do.


So, just breathing, staying positive, keeping busy... Hopefully I don't kill anyone in the process.

Kim

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dear Granna,

Are we really going to play this game again? The one that always starts out the same and ends the same? I can't do it anymore. I'm noticing a pattern, and I promised myself I would break the cycle. Kyle asked me to go to dinner with him, which is fine, I suppose we can do that, but I don't think I can offer him anything more than he offers me. I have been burned too deeply too many times by him, and while I do care about his happiness, I have to be ready to find my own happiness and be happy and safe in the process. So, I agreed to dinner. Already I've got knots in my stomach because I am unsure I want to go. My walls are up, I am completely guarded, and I am uncomfortable. Maybe it is because the last time we saw each other it really felt like goodbye. We've been doing this same dance for a year, but somehow we keep coming back to it.

Just trying to stay positive and see what he can offer me as far as friendships go. I swore to myself I wasn't going to maintain friendships where there wasn't a give and take ratio that was even. Already I am realizing the people who I became friends with while we were dating suddenly disappeared now that we are not... so it makes me very cautious of who I consider friends these days. Which is a shame, really, because when someone becomes my friend I would die for them. Though, I am very lucky to have a few close friends who I will never let go because they have been through very tough times with me and stuck in there. And I hope that I have been the same for them. Friendship is a blessing and a gift, and should be treated as such.

This week is going to be a busy one. Thursday night I am meeting up with some lovely ladies I haven't seen in quite some time for some dinner and drinks. It is going to be good to see them again, we have a lot to catch up on. Sunday is Easter and is going to be a wonderful family day (I hope!). With Ciaran around, it really doesn't matter who else is there. That little man has my heart and soul. I hope I can be the best Aunt to him through the years. My sister is going to be a great mother, no doubt, but I want to protect her cub too, that is just the way I am.

My beautiful Liz is coming out in a few weeks. It is going to be a whirlwind while she is here because I want to do so much. Letting her go is going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Now if only I could convince her to come back to California and stay with me, then I don't think I would ever be unhappy. She was a light in all of my darkness and has guided me to happiness. I can't believe how utterly lucky I am to have found her and gotten to know her through the years. We are going to have some adventures at Disneyland and get some tattoos. It is going to be a good time. I just wish she was here now. Every second is miserable waiting. And then of course time is going to go by too fast while she is here. We'll figure it out. I'm trapped in California until I am done with school, and she doesn't want to leave her family in Idaho, but if we are meant to be together, things will work out.

It is going to be a long day.

Kim

Monday, April 6, 2009

Dear Granna,

I apologize for my lack of writing. I have been trapped in my own thoughts and would you believe that I hurt my back to the point where I ended up in the hospital? Well, I am still recovering from that. It seems like it is going to be something I deal with for the rest of my life, which really upsets me because suddenly my dream of running a marathon is that much further away. I don't even know if I can walk a mile anymore, let alone run 26... but that wont stop me from trying. I'm stubborn.

Other than that, aside from being plagued with nightmares, I've been trying to stay postive and focused. Though I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with legal research, I need to get back on that. I'm just apathetic about school these days. Getting into law school seems so far away, even though I got another brochure from another out of state law school in Michigan trying to recruit me. So, there is always a lower tier law school I can go to, just the thought of leaving San Diego scares me. I'll do what I have to do in the end, though.

Right now I'm wondering because of my absence from work all last week if I'm still going to even have a job. I suppose we will see at the week progresses.

Kim

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dear Granna,

Surviving the week to the best of my ability. Earlier I signed up for the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization. Hopefully I will be able to volunteer and change someone's life. I have so much love to give, and can be such a big inspiration and deliver good guidance, why not help change someone's life and give them hope? I am anxiously awaiting some good news from them.

This weekend I will be visiting my family (which is long overdue). It is good to know they will always be there for me when I need them, and even when I am gone for long periods of time, they welcome me back with open arms. I am so blessed. When I get wrapped up in certain aspects of my life I tend to just forget about them. I wont let myself do that anymore. My family is way too important to me. They help keep me strong and on the right track.

Aside from that...I am just trying to heal...doing my best to repair the damage that has been done to me over the many, many years of poor decisions. It is going to take a long time to be able to trust and love again, but I have to love me first, and I will get there. In the meantime I will distract myself with activities and projects and help myself grow as a person with all of the good things I am trying to do.

And today was Day One of quitting smoking -- for good this time. I really need to focus on a healthy, long life. We never know how much time we have remaining in this world, but the time we do have we may as well be healthy and try to extend it as much as possible, right?

Kim

Monday, March 23, 2009

Dear Granna,

What an adventure was had this weekend in Las Vegas! I am so blessed to have wonderful friends, and was greatful that I had the opportunity to make some more. It was good to just go out, have a good time, clear my head... Granted, the entire good weekend was ruined by the horrible traffic getting back to San Diego. It took us almost NINE hours to drive back (and only four and a half to get out)... Needless to say, my quest to quit smoking ended about 30 miles from Vegas when it took us three hours to get to that place. Though, I am trying, that is for certain. There is just something about being stuck in traffic and having a nicotine fit that makes it for a dangerous trip, so my copilot thought it might be best if I quit smoking after we made it home safely.

We saw a few good shows, as well, and hit up a couple clubs and danced the night away. I am still quite tired from the whole ordeal, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I got to have a few wonderful heart-to-heart talks with Albert to try to help me deal with my issues of getting attached to the people who don't want me, but completely ignoring the people that do. It is a strange quirk I have, and I am trying to get over it. I don't know, maybe part of me wants to fix the broken ones, but I have to fix myself first. I can't ever completely give myself over to someone if the cracks never heal in the foundation.

My writing is going well. I had a wonderful idea about a new story I would like to begin writing. All I have is the face of the main character and the world she lives in, but everything beyond that is a mystery. That is what makes it fun. It is so good to be able to write again, to be able to escape and do and be anything I want to in my fiction. Hopefully someday it will all be completed and someone can escape in my writing as much as I do. I'm not asking for fame, just one person who picks up my book and really enjoys it. That would make my lifetime.

Other than that, I am just living. This week is going to be a busy one. Beep's birthday is on Wednesday and I want to do something with her and get her some presents. On Thursday I might visit with my family, Friday Beep has to go for Surgery and I get to see my little man, Saturday I'm working, then celebrating my god-sister's 18th birthday...Sunday I will be visiting my Dad in Chino Hills, it is going to be another whirlwind week. Somewhere in there I need to fit in Legal Research! Where does the time go?

Kim

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dear Granna,

Tomorrow I head off for my big adventure. I think this is the first trip I've taken with friends anywhere, let alone to Las Vegas! Tonight after work I am meeting up with Sonia's daughters and we're going to go to Forever 21 and look for some suitable clubbing clothes. I have no idea what kids wear to clubs these days, but, that store was suggested to me a few times. Hopefully it will be cheap and easy. Just want to make sure I can get into the club.

Another amazing thing has happened -- I can write again. And I don't mean writing letters or blogging. I can actually -write- again. I rewrote the prologue to my book a few days back, and it just started coming out from there. Every second of every day since then I have wanted to write. Ideas have been flowing out of me like a river. Even at work I'll stop every few minutes and write a few ideas down before getting back to work. I don't want to lose this muse. I want to hang onto it and finish my book and get it out there like I've always wanted to. Hopefully I can maintain this. Mom says that it is because I am taking all of the negative things out of my life and letting the positive flow back in and that is why my muse has returned. Whether or not she is right, I'm not sure... but ever since this "break" I'm on...it is...refreshing. Amazing. I'm bringing my laptop with me this weekend so in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, or when I'm lounging by the pool I will be able to write. If I can put out just a few pages of quality material a day...I would be so thankful.

Being an attorney is still on the to-do list, but if I can write in my free time, that would be all the better for me! So, wish me luck with my adventure this weekend, and my writing. It is finally good to be -me- again.

Kim

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dear Granna,

Some men are smooth. They really are. I was standing outside during my lunch break, enjoying the sun and smoking a cigarette (I know, I promise I'll stop). A guy I usually see during breaks throughout the day walked up to me and smiled saying, "I was going to guess your name, but sometimes that turns out awkward." I laughed and told him my name was Kim, and he said he was lucky he hadn't guessed, he was going to say "Samantha." I joked and asked him if I looked like a Samantha...and we struck up a conversation about the weather and my Vegas trip. As we were riding the elevator back up, he got off on the fourth floor, turned around and said, "My name is Robert, by the way," I said it was good to meet him, he smiled and scurried off.

Just made me smile. At least I have a face to go with the name now, instead of just "Hey You." Nothing like a little networking on a sunny Tuesday.

Kim

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dear Granna,

Today is St. Patrick's Day. And to protest it, I am not wearing green! Actually, I am not protesting it, I am just wondering how many people will come up to me and pinch me because of that fact, it might be a good way to network! Who knows! I've already harassed someone in the hallway about not wearing green, then promptly announced that I was a hypocrite for not wearing green myself. It should be an entertaining day to say the least.

This weekend I am going to Las Vegas. I am so blessed to have a wonderful roommate that saw me in my time of need and he decided it was time to get out of the house and have a good time. He is right! I need some good fun! So far the agenda includes gambling, drinking, seeing a show, going clubbing and lounging by the pool. It will be the perfect vacation weekend for me. Let me clear my head, have some fun, and start the process of getting back in touch with the me I was a few months ago. I was so strong and independent. I didn't need anyone or anything, and that girl needs to reign supreme. And when she is back maybe then I will consider letting someone into my heart again. I need to heal. I need to be -me-. And I look forward to this adventure.

Last night I took a nice long bath with some lavendar and sage oils, lit some candles, prayed that Kyle finds peace and happiness in himself, and that I can do the same. Had a little hypno-therapy session with Albie, which I am going to continue to do because it is a good way to relax and meditate and get rid of all my stray thoughts. Then I lost myself in classical music, cuddled with Beep and fell asleep. Granted, I woke up every hour, but I think the more I relax the easier it will be for me to sleep soundly without nightmares. The good news is, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I don't remember my nightmares. Which is a good sign. I think the cleansing aspect of the sage oil really helped. I might just dab a little on my wrists before I go to bed to have that smell.

Other than that, I think I am doing pretty well. It is going to be a long day at work, and an even longer night at school. But after that I am going to hit the gym and spend some time with my roommates. They are going to be an anchor for me because no matter what I go through, they have always accepted and loved me no matter what. And that is the way it is supposed to be. It is never a burden when I am needy and want to spend time with them, or when I am crying and need a hug. They are patient and loving, and I couldn't have ended up with a better bunch of people.

It is going to be a good week. Tomorrow night I am going to go out with Nick and Jason (to buy Nick a post-birthday beer), Thursday Albie and I are going shopping for some sufficient club clothing, and Friday we are off to Vegas. And after Vegas I am going to quit smoking. This time for good. While it is relaxing right now, the long term damage that it is doing to my lungs and my running time is not worth the momentary flush of nicotine. And now that it is light after I am off of work, I think Jack and I are going to spend much more time together. I've been neglecting him way too much, and I need my man more than he knows. As long as I come with carrots in hand, I think we'll be alright.

So, today is the beginning of a new chapter. And I am in control of what is written.

Kim

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dear Granna,

And just like that, it is like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. We're going to try to rebuild our friendship... we both agree that it has become too much for both of us, and that we need to start over. That will be good for us. I need to find me again. If we are meant to be together, then someday we might be, but for now... I need to love myself.

Kim

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dear Granna,

Fuck my neediness. Fuck my longing to be needed and wanted and loved. Fuck clinging to things too hard and smothering them. Fuck everything that makes me, me. Everything that I want, everything I hope for, everything that I love... I always drive it away. I don't know how to be calm and patient. I don't know how to relax. I try. I really, really try. But in the end, I always ruin things. I always push too far.

In the deepest part of my heart, I feel so sorry for Kyle for having ever met me. And I don't blame him for shutting me out. I would shut me out too. Even though I always give everything I can to people, there always is a consequence. I get dependant. I get anxious. And I fall apart. The smart ones run away. I am like a tornado in people's lives, and once I've sufficiently driven them crazy, then it is time for them to take anchor and send me away.

I am an emotional rollercoaster with a primal need to be loved. But I always want to be loved by the ones that I can't have. I am driven by unrealistic hope and when reality finally sets in, it is like a crushing weight on me. I wish I could let go. I wish I could breathe. I wish my heart didn't ache. I tried so hard. I pushed too hard. And in the end...what do I have? Nothing.

I am going to miss the laughter and the smiles. I am going to miss feeling at home with a wonderful group of people. I'm going to miss his smell, his taste, his warm body...everything. But he doesn't need me. He doesn't need this. No one does. I am so pathetic. I am so weak. Why can't I be strong like you? Why do I let the tears flow freely? Why am I so much like my mother? I am at the bottom of a karma wheel that I will never get out of. For all the awful things I have done, this is what I deserve. Silence.

I just wanted to be cared about.

Kim

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dear Granna,

He is pushing me away right now. Not affectionate, not responsive, avoiding me. I don't know if it is that I am smothering him, if he is getting bored of me (we've been down this road before) or what. Ontop of that, he found out on Saturday that his grandfather had a heart-attack, and suddenly I was having flashbacks of losing you and emotions ran wild. I want to take the pain and fear away from him, I want to help him through this like he helped me through the ordeal with Ryan's Dad, but he is just closing me out. And I don't know what to do. My nature is to protect him, but I am wondering if I should step back. I know the hardest thing is not knowing. The next hardest thing is regret...for not being there. I offered him any help I could give, and without thought of reciprocation, or any personal gain, I offered to take him out to Nevada and let him visit with his Grandfather. My biggest regret was not seeing you before you passed, and I don't want him to live with that.

But he has to make that choice on his own. All I can do is offer. And hope that he will let me in enough so that I can walk beside him so he doesn't feel alone. Granted, he has his family and his friends, but I'd like to hope that I have a part in his life as well. I am so tired of this death and dying, I'm tired of seeing people I care about hurt. Why can't I just take it all away from them so they don't have to?

Though, my other question to myself is... why do I invest myself emotionally in someone who may not even want me around? I guess we'll see what his response is. So far I have heard nothing from him, not positive or negative response to my wanting to help. I just need to breathe.

Kim

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Dear Granna,

I do not understand men at all. One minute you think everything is okay, the next minute they are making excuses and putting the halt on all of your plans. Originally Kyle and I were supposed to get together this weekend to go to LA on Friday. That trip was cancelled so he could visit his grandfather for half a day on Friday. Yesterday that half day became a whole day, and he is probably spending the night, and then through Saturday. He just seemed really avoidant when I asked him to keep me posted about when he is coming home. I joked with him and told him I wished I could go hang out with his family because I adored them, and he said, "Trust me, there will be plenty of opportunities in the future." What does that mean? Is that his way of just appeasing me right now because I feel abandoned, or does that mean I'm going to be in his life long enough to continue to visit with his family? I just don't get him at all. How can he say something like that, but then not make solid plans to see me any time soon? So, I did what I always do when I want to fly below the radar. I deleted his number out of my phone, and every possible way to contact him. Maybe a few days without me will be good for him. I know it is going to be good for me. I'm going to go running, hang out with my roommates, see my horse, have lunch with one of my besties who is coming down from Berkley... Who knows what else. I think the thing I will miss the most is just waking up beside him in the morning. I just like having someone there with me to pet me back to sleep when I'm startled awake by a horrible nightmare. Someone's body heat to share when I'm cold, someone to rub noses with in the morning when I am trying to get him up... Maybe he is just convinced I am only in it for the sex. I wish he understood.

I have also been having this weird sensation on my left hand. Every now and again I will panic when I rub my left ring and middle finger together because it feels like I am missing something there. The strange part is, I haven't had a ring on that finger for as long as I can remember. Not since I was engaged to Nick, really. So why all of the sudden is my brain convinced something should be there? Beth thinks that it is my brain searching for some kind of comfort and I should replace the feeling with an actual ring to see if it alleviates the panic. Liz thinks that it could be a premonition of sorts...but honestly, who is going to propose to me, if not her? It is just strange. Just thinking about it makes me rub my fingers together and search for the cold metal that should be there, but isn't. What is wrong with me, Granna? Am I projecting?

I got tired of wearing flat shoes. I had been doing it because it was supposed to give my shins a break from all the work I had been doing on them. But I miss being tall. I miss having a heel that makes my legs look long and slender. I miss feeling sexy. I haven't been feeling sexy enough lately. Even though multiple people have commented that I am looking thinner, and everyone really likes the darker hair color. I just...I don't know. So I've started a new routine in the morning. Wash the face, put on anti-wrinkle cream, and some stuff to help with the bags under my eyes. Put on make-up when I feel like it, so that I can just feel attractive. I don't know, rejection always makes me feel ugly. But I have to remember it is not always about physical beauty. I have a beautiful personality and a kind soul. People will sense that in me, and they will look past my shallow exterior. It is funny, because for the first time in my life I am really becoming critical of my physical appearance. Perhaps it is because of all the physical and emotional changes I have been through. I've never felt beautiful enough, or skinny enough, or good enough. Even with all the progress I've made, sometimes I still don't feel that way. Is that Mom in me? She has trained us our whole life that we want to look like the models, we want to be beautiful to obtain a handsome man that will take care of us... It is so hard to get over that training. I wish I could just be happy being me.

Sigh. I don't know anymore, Granna. I thought all of my good things that I have been doing lately would have spun my Karma wheel and suddenly good things would start happening to me, but it seems I am still at the bottom.

Oh well, I just need to keep my chin up and my chest out and stay positive, right? It could always be worse.

Kim

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dear Granna,

I am having one of those moments where I am asking myself "What the hell am I doing here?" While I know I said I was going to try to enjoy each day as it comes, and not worry about the future, but at the same time, don't I deserve to know what is going to happen? Don't I deserve to know how someone is feeling?

Maybe I'm just scared of the truth. Maybe I make excuses for him so that I don't have to see the reality of it all. Or maybe I just need to stay positive, stay the course, and things will turn out the way I want them to. It is the not knowing that is killing me. I suppose that is part of the adventure, never knowing which was is up, and where we are going.

I am trying to fight the butterflies, trying to fight the insecurity, trying to fight the paranoia, and just be happy. Sometimes it is just hard.

If I am still in the realm of not-knowing in a couple months, there is going to be a talk.

Kim

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dear Granna,

How is it that no matter how walled off you try to make yourself, how cold you try to get your heart to be, that when someone says the right thing it can still make your heart flutter, even after you swore to yourself that you wouldn't let yourself go down this path again?

I know I promised myself that I would take it day-by-day, and maybe it is the caffeine that is just making me excited, but it is a good feeling. And I am so scared of it.

Kim

Monday, March 9, 2009

Dear Granna,

How do we grieve? I mean, what is the proper way to do so? Do we cry? Do we celebrate? Should we be with family? Should we be alone? No matter how many times death happens in my family, I never quite know what to do.

Yesterday morning, Ryan's father passed away. He had been fighting cancer for the past year, but it was finally time to go. My heart aches for the loss of Jen and Ryan, and Ciaran. And I don't know how to grieve. It is not that I am grieving for Dan, I didn't know him well enough to really feel a big loss, but I am saddened by the loss of his life and the effect it is having on this family. Jen is trying to be strong for Ryan, but when I talk to her I can hear the shake in her voice, and it just makes me break down entirely. Why does death have to be so hard? Why do good people have to die so young?

I tried to stay active yesterday, keep my mind off things, and I am thankful for my friends who helped me through the day. But once all the activity was gone, my mind started to wander, and I was a sobbing mess, simply because I wish I could take the pain away from Jen and Ryan. Take it and deal with it so they don't have to grieve. But I can't. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing anyone can do. They both have to heal on their own and I have to try to be strong for them. But it is hard. Because apparently I have compassion for everyone and everything and when I see people hurting, it tears me up inside. Is that a weakness? Caring for everything around you? Treating life like it is precious and mourning when it gets snuffed out?

I guess we all deal with death in different ways. I just hope this experience helps make me strong, so when it happens again in my lifetime I will be a little more well-adjusted. Fewer tears will be shed, my heart wont ache as much... and I wont wish to feel nothing.

Kim

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Dear Granna,

I can't believe it is March. It seems like this year is flying by and I haven't even had time to catch my breath yet! I suppose that is what happens when you have such a busy schedule, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. It is good to be busy. You know how I get when I have nothing to do. Always running.

Another wonderful weekend full of laughter and friends. Spent it going out, staying in, watching movies, cuddling, seeing fish and whales... Just so much in a short period of time (and when I asked Kyle to shave, he actually listened to me and did so).

But what is a weekend without tears? Sunday night, after I had been in the car when one of my friends got rear-ended at a stoplight, I had a near-death experience myself. I was driving home from Carlsbad, I hadn't made it very far from the boys' house... And someone was driving on the wrong side of the road. I thought maybe he was avoiding something, but as he made no effort to get out of my lane, my heart began to quicken and everything seemed to move in slow motion. I jerked my steering wheel and swerved out of the way of this person, and then stopped on the side of the road. Hysteria set in and I just lost it...and turned around and went back to the boys' house. Once I was there I broke down and just started crying, my body dumping all the adrenaline it could into my system and the scene just replaying over and over in my head. All of the what-ifs...what I hadn't done with my life, what would have happened if I had been hit...how horrible it had been that I hadn't kissed Kyle goodbye... And before I knew it, Kyle had his arms wrapped around me and he just sat there with me and told me I was safe and everything was going to be okay. And then he told me that I was going to stay that evening because I was too emotional to drive. I ended up taking a shower because I was so cold, where he joined me and just held onto me and kept telling me I was going to be okay, and my reaction was normal because it was a near-death experience. Being hit head-on by a lifted truck would have most likely done some serious damage to me.

Afterwards we lay in bed and watched some tv, while he rubbed my calf before snuggling up next to me while I fell asleep. He took my glasses off and put them on his desk and tucked me into the blankets and just let me rest. I woke up a few times thrashing in the night, where he would tell me I was okay and coax me back to sleep. When I got up on Monday morning, I gave him a lingering kiss on the forehead and told him I would see him. He held my face to him with his hand tangled in my hair and I walked out of the house slowly. Got home, fell asleep, then went back up where we spent the whole day running errands, being silly and doing stuff together. It was good to have him there to keep me sane.

When I went to leave last night, I gave him a lingering hug in the kitchen and he kissed me gently on the forehead when I thanked him for everything. It was a good moment. And then I realized, as I was leaving, I was irrevocably in love with him. And I don't know how this is going to turn out. I suppose I should just embrace the day and go from there. For now, I'll just be happy. Happy to be alive. Happy to be cared about. Happy to just be.

Kim

Friday, February 27, 2008

Dear Granna,

Another week has gone by. I can't believe how fast time flies when you are so busy. Wednesday was a bit difficult though. Ryan's Dad is dying of cancer and he doesn't have much longer to live. Ryan is out there now to be with him, and Jen and Ciaran are going to go out as soon as they can to see him one more time. I suppose it is one of my greatest weaknesses that I can't stand to hear about people hurting, and for some strange reason I just took the news from Jen really hard. I was just crying and sad, I felt a great sense of loss for Ryan and Jen...and most especially Ciaran. He will never know his paternal grandfather and that breaks my heart. I didn't know any of my grandfathers, and a part of me always wonders what it would have been like if I did.

Me, being the emotional person I am, did what I always do...and broke down. And when I broke down, I turned to Kyle. I went up to his place and just cried on his shoulder and he talked me through it. Said that this is just part of life and I can't let it get to me like this. It's true. I don't even know Ryan's father all that much, it is just the idea that someone in my family is hurting that bothers me the most. He managed to calm me down and I sat and dorked around on his computer while he took a shower. When he was done with the shower, he came over to me and leaned on the back of the chair while I played and then leaned me back to look at him. I turned the game off and he lead me to his bed and gently pushed me down. It was another one of those moments where it was slow and patient and tender. Something I usually don't expect from Kyle. Afterwards we both took a shower and just talked about life and how feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world. We went to the store and joked around and had a good time for the rest of the evening. I don't know what it is about him, but when I'm at my lowest, he usually can bring me back up.

We are close. Dangerously close. I don't know how I feel about letting someone in as much as I have let him in, but I can't worry about that. Life is about living, loving and laughing... And even if it ends up badly, it is the experiences along the way we have to embrace, right? I need to focus on the good feelings I have right now and not worry about the what-ifs. And in the end it will be better for all of us.

Going to spend the weekend with him again, though our agenda is unclear! I am going to visit with Jen and Dad tomorrow during the day then head back up there for Saturday night and most of Sunday. It is good to know I have a second home waiting for me. I've never really felt like I could call a place home, but those boys keep their doors and their arms open for me, and it makes me feel really welcome sometimes. I hope I'm not imposing on them.

Kim

Monday, February 23, 2009

Dear Granna,

My weekend was amazing. It is funny how things turn out that way. Ever since I grasped my "letting go" attitude, things have been going pretty well. While it was on the agenda, Kyle and I spent the majority of the weekend together, when originally we were just supposed to spend Friday night together. His sister was going to pick him up on Saturday morning to go do some family thing and she didn't show up until late in the afternoon. I originally was going to leave in the morning when he got picked up, but instead I stayed and waited for his sister to show up. When she showed up she was excited to see me and asked Kyle why he didn't just have me bring him up (which I had been offering the entire time)? Then we ganged up on Kyle and asked him if I could go, and it ended up being a pretty fun time. I enjoy spending time with his family... they are a very swell bunch, and his sister is crazy like I am. It also gets me in a little deeper, so maybe once they start putting the pressure on him, he'll see how wonderful I am!

But I highly doubt it! He's Kyle, after all, stubborn until the end.

Regardless, it was fun. I got to have some good laughs and sit in a jacuzzi, and make googly eyes at Kyle in front of his family and embarass him. His Mom embarassed me, though, and asked me what was "growing out of your ass?" when she saw my tattoo. I got so red that Kyle started getting red, but we all laughed at my expense and it was fun. We drove home that night (only to discover the doors were locked and I had to break into the house through Kyle's window and scare the shit out of his roommates) and, although we were both exhsausted from the previous nights entertainment... Kyle was "in the mood" (I'll take it whenever I can because it is few and far between these days!). But it was different. Different than normal, wham, bam, thank-you ma'am like we usually have. This was slow and gentle and patient. He was more worried about my needs than his own. It was like an exploration of both of our bodies together again, like two new lovers figuring out what makes them tick. We connected in a deeper level then just the physical pleasure. It was...nice. Just to feel sexy and wanted and cared about. It was just what I needed to put a little pep in my step.

Sunday we slept until one, got up and went to get something to eat, then said a quick goodbye around 3:00 and I went to go do some research. Haven't heard from him since, but, I imagine I will be seeing him again this weekend... We're just having fun and whatever happens, happens. Like Nadia has been teaching me, I'm going to embrace the now and be happy with what I have now and not worry about the future as much, it only leads to disappointment.

It just feels good to have that sort of freedom.

Though, I was a naughty puppy and I didn't do any of my running this weekend, and I'm going to pay for it this week...but my legs feel like they have been running for days, so, I don't know what is up with that. I drank a protein shake for breakfast in hopes that it will help, so we'll see how I feel this afternoon.

All-in-all... it was a wonderful weekend full of love, laughter and family. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Kim

Friday, February 20, 2009

Dear Granna,

We were talking about you last night. Sharing fond memories of the times we spent with you, of your haunted house, of that little room we would spend so much time in. Jen and Paul and Mom all had these wonderful memories, and it made me quite sad that I didn't get to experience all of the things they did. The last time I saw you I was 16, and we were in such a flurry of emotions because we were moving back to California after Mom's little adventure to PA... I tried to make plans to go see you many times after that, but life just kept getting in the way.

Though, I will never forget the Christmases that we spent at your house, and the tree that reached the ceiling...and openening all of the jewelry you gave us. You always had the best taste. Your house was so beautiful, so welcoming, so amazing. I think that was because it had you in it. I wish it was still in the family, but Aunt Pat did what she thought was best, and I can't be angry at her for it.

I miss you terribly. And I regret not making more memories with you. But Mom assures me that the letters we exchanged meant more to you than a lifetime of spending time together. I sure hope she is right. I hope the idea of you that I have is the real you, and that I can become that strong, amazing woman.

I am so lucky to have had such a wonderful woman like you in my life.

Kim

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dear Granna,

The hardest thing to do in life is to let go. To let go of the past, to let go of hope, to let go of the plan, of sadness, or longing, of need, of desire... To just let it all wash away and be guided by nothing other than fate.

My plans always fall apart, my dreams get ripped from me, and my hopes get dashed... but I realized, if I didn't have those things, then I wouldn't be disappointed. While I am not going to give up my ultimate desires, such as becoming a lawyer and being able to take care of myself someday (that path has already been set before me), things like who I want, who I need, who I love... if I just let go of unrequitted feelings and love me, then maybe things will be so much easier.

Friends have been trying to coach me through my longing for companionship, choosing the wrong people, making bad decisions and then holding onto those decisions so tightly I get blinded by the damage they are doing to me in the long run. So I have chosen to be happy to just be happy. To live life to the fullest now and not have a plan. Just go wherever I am taken. Swimming upstream all my life has caused me to miss out on the simple joys.

It seems like I am being a defeatist, but what it comes down to...I am a fighter, but I have to pick my battles, and I have to be happy. I have to do what makes me happy and not expect anyone else to make my happiness for me. This choice is going to have lots of ups and downs, but in my being I am so tired of fighting. Now I will focus on me. I will be -me-. People can love me for who I am, and if they don't, that is their own issue, not mine.

Kyle and I had a moment yesterday, a moment that made me stop and think about what I was doing... Yesterday we went out to lunch, and we were laughing and talking, and an old couple walked over to us and said, "We love the way you two look, you're having so much fun." And it hit me... I'm not the one that is holding me back, he is... Because he is afraid. And I can't wait around anymore. I can't expect him to just wake up one morning and realize he loves me. I can't hold on to the hope that it will happen, because if I do... and it doesn't happen, there will be so much disappointment. So if I just let go... if I am just happy being with him without any future plan, if I can enjoy being in a non-relationship for the time being but not hold onto any expectations for it to ever turn into anything else...then I wont be hurt. Because right now, thinking about the what-ifs hurts too much. Thinking about the why, the who, the when... It just makes me realize that I focus so much on the things that I don't have, rather than the things I have right now.

It is going to be an interesting journey. I need to maintain the strength I have had all along. I need to get my chin up, my chest out and walk proudly and smile. Life is too short to worry about things that may or may not happen... and I will take them when they come, but right now... I just want to be.

Kim

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Dear Granna,

We all know how much I detest this time of year. It is the celebration of love and happiness, partnerships and futures... And when you are single, you are reminded just how alone you really are. This year, even though I have given my heart to someone, I think I am more alone than I would be if I still held it for myself.

I just don't know what to do anymore. There are times when I am so beside myself with joy that nothing else in the world matters...and then there are times like now...where I sit back and wonder what the hell I'm doing? Why I can't take back my heart from someone who obviously takes it for granted. He makes me weak. He makes me pathetic. I am tired of shedding tears because I am not knowing. There is no future, is there? I've known that from the beginning, yet I still hoped. I held on so tightly to that little flicker of hope...repeated to myself that "love is patient, love is kind," and tried to live by it. I've done everything for him that he asked of me, and more. And nothing has changed. It is the same game we keep playing...where I think he has let me in, and the truth is, once he gets what he wants, he just shuts you out.

I'm so tired. Emotionally. Physically. Tired. I try to be strong and not let things get me down. To remember life is about the moments, and not the big picture... but you can only do so much. I miss connecting with someone. I miss affection. I miss emotional closeness. Sharing a life with someone. Why do we always fall in love with the people who don't want us? I loved Jason desperately. I would have done anything for him. I love Kyle desperately, and I do everything he asks of me... But it is never enough. We focus on the ones who treat us poorly because sometimes I guess we feel like we can either change them, or they will come around. People don't change.

I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have someone that isn't afraid to be in love. Someone who will do for me as much as I do for them. Someone who will hold me when I am sad, and laugh with me when I am happy. And every time I go through something like this, it just shows me how horrible my choice in men is, and why I just can't just get a clue. I do no deserve this punishment that I put myself through. Not feeling good enough. Not feeling like I have any value. Feeling like I am being used. A cheap whore. A maid. And I am done.

Done.

I need to remember what you said, "Chin up, chest out, and fuck 'em." I need to puff my chest out again and reclaim my strength that got me into this situation. I was strong before I started talking with Kyle again, and now I need to be strong in letting him go. I can't afford to be weak in this lifetime because I am worth so much more. I am so much stronger.

I just have to remember, when I walk away, he wont come after me, and to not be disappointed when he doesn't.

Kim

Monday, January 26, 2009

Dear Granna,

We run hot and cold. Some days he is very affectionate, some days he shuts me out. Saturday was a hot day, Sunday was a cold day. I talked to him Friday night about his actions, and he said he had just been feeling very unattractive lately, that it wasn't me... he just feels bad about himself. Hopefully he will understand that it is not all physical for me, that I do enjoy his company... But that is something he is going to have to get through on his own.

We did go out on Saturday and have a good time, and he is very thankful for that...so hopefully he will start feeling a little better now.

Granted, I think he should be the last thing I need to worry about at this point. School starts up again today, I'm starting training for my marathon...I'm trying to get things squared away for law school... worrying about starting/maintaining a relationship with someone who I have no idea what he is feeling... Have to get my priorities straight.

I signed up to take the LSAT again in September. That gives me some time over the summer to study for it, and then my scores will be released before the end of the year, so I can start applying in October/November. I know I said one of my goals this year was to get into law school, but I don't know if I will be accepted or not until 2010 I'm sure. I guess we'll see, at least I'll start getting those applications out there! I have to still ask my attorneys for letters...I feel nervous about it, but at the same time, I have given them a year and a half of my life, the least they could do is say that I am a good employee, and I will be a great attorney. I mean, they can lie if they want, I just need the pull of their names and the firm.

This is my future, I hope they can help me obtain it.

Kim

Monday, January 19, 2009

Dear Granna,

He could have left me on the couch...but instead he woke me up and took me to bed. It is stuff like that that makes me wonder what he is thinking.

Kim

Sunday, January 18, 2009.

Dear Granna,

I am fighting against my nature right now... to take things personally and feel like I did something wrong, or that I am not good enough, or feel heartbroken...and I wonder where my strength went? I had been doing so well, been spending time with Kyle, enjoying him, and this weekend he was just...off. I don't know, hardly touched me, hardly kissed me (unless I kissed him first). Maybe...maybe he really doesn't feel anything and he is actually just using me? I guess I was a fool to hope that something would come of this... but you know what they say about love, it makes us fools.

Thankfully, school is starting soon. I'll be able to distract myself with school and more running...and only see him a couple times a week. Maybe that distance will help him appreciate the time I spend on him. Or maybe not. It is funny when you stay a whole weekend with someone, and you can't wait to get out of there because you just feel unwelcome. Part of me wishes he would just be a man and tell me to get lost...but like I said, maybe I am reading him wrong. He assures me he isn't tired of me...but I can't help but wonder.

Oh well. Need to focus on other things. Need to stay strong. Need to protect my fragile heart. At the same time, I need to be patient and kind. We are walking down a very precarious path, and I Need to make sure he doesn't push me down.

Kim

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dear Granna,

I can't believe it is a new year already. Last year was so...hard. But when I look back on it, it went by so quickly. Granted, at times when my heart was aching, time couldn't go fast enough. Now that I am here, I almost wished I had savored more moments in my life. It is why I try to savor them now. To enjoy all of the little things, because someday I might not be able to. I try to focus on the good things, like the feel of my sheets and comforter when I wake up in the morning and don't have to get out of bed...the way the sun licks my cheeks on a cold day and warms me up just a little bit, the way my eyes will flash gold when the light hits them just right... how good it feels to hug a loved one, or look down at my smiling nephew. It is all these things that make me really appreciate that I am alive. I am so very lucky.

2008 was a year of change. Of growth. Of new direction. Discovering things about myself that I didn't know, and getting rid of things about myself that I didn't need. I am trying to be more patient, more kind, more respectful, more loving. I had done such a good job of walling myself up, that I forgot how good it felt to just...love people. To care for them. To give to them. I really enjoy that aspect of my life.

And then there is the...frustrating aspect of my life. Kyle is doing well. He is making huge leaps in his recovery. Next week he is going to get x-rays again to see how his bones are healing and if he will need additional surgery. We rang in the New Year together and fell asleep in each other's arms. We have our moments when it really feels like we are opening up to one another and this might actually go somewhere, and then we have our moments where he completely shuts me out and we're back to bickering and me remembering why we aren't together in the first place. I know love is patient and kind, so I am trying to be as caring for him as I can without falling too deeply for him. My resolve just breaks down so much when he wraps me in his arms and just holds me for no other reason than to just hold me. We spend a lot of time together. We sleep together. His family already thinks we're in a relationship, all of his friends think we are in a relationship...but why do we both hesitate about just stating the obvious - we're good for one another. I can't let this get out of hand. I need to not expect anything, that way if nothing does happen, then I wont be disappointed.

But he still does things that absolutely shock me. Yesterday we were on a little outing, driving down to the scene of the accident. He hadn't been there since he was laying on the ground waiting for the ambulance. On the way we had been talking about engagements, and how his previous fiance had said yes, then changed her mind two weeks later. I assured him that the next person he proposed to wouldn't say no and change her mind, and he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Will you marry me?" I laughed and patted him on the leg and told him yes, and he laughed, but withdrew into his thoughts again. I know it was meant as a joke, but why would he say something like that? It is so strange. And then experiencing the accident scene, finding pieces of his bike, seeing the skid marks and the ambulance tracks, trying to piece together how it all happened... It was such an honor to be able to share that with him. That he would want to do it with me, and no have anyone else there.

I don't know. I'm just...I'm just trying to stay apathetic towards the whole thing. If you don't get your hopes up, you aren't disappointed, right? I've got more important things to focus on. I've got the Marathon (which I am signed up for now), and I've got to start studying for the LSAT again so I can apply to law school this year. I might not be into law school until next year, but at least I will be well on my way. Hell, if I am an attorney before 35, I will be happy.

So, here is 2009. Another set of huge challenges I have set for myself. But I can do it.

Kim