Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Dear Granna,

For some strange reason for the past few days I have been filled with profound sadness. I am not sure if it is a result of being reminded of my past failings, or if it is the close of 2014 and feeling like I have accomplished very little, even though I most certainly have!

The situation is... a few years back I had met a wonderful guy, he was a gentleman, working on his education, communicated well... it seemed like he would have been the type of guy that would be good to establish a relationship with. Sadly, my mind was not my own at that time and I was being manipulated and very confused about life, so I ended up not pursuing a relationship with him and falling back into the same abusive pattern with Kyle (are we surprised? Sometimes I still fight the urge to go back to it). Fast-forward three (it might even be 4!) years... and he (the gentleman, not the jerk) sends me a text message saying he has finishing his schooling and has returned to San Diego for a time and would like to see me. I, of course, agree, as I tell myself this might be an opportunity to right my past wrongs and actually explore the opportunity to get to know someone on an adult relationship and quite possible establish one. We chatted a little while, and I went to bed with the understanding that we would make some time to get together.

That was Saturday. Tuesday is halfway over and I haven't heard a word out of him. My resolution for 2015 is to not chase unavailable guys who don't want me, so after not hearing from him for a day I deleted his number and have no way to contact him, which I know may have been a little impulsive, but, it was a way to be able to protect myself from messaging him over and over and proving how pathetic and needy I am. So, haven't heard from him, don't have any way to contact him and have been checking my phone impulsively every 10 minutes to see if he has messaged me. What is wrong with me? A normal person would brush it off as someone being busy or just that person simply double-guessing themselves and realizing it was a mistake and not be interested in more. Whatever, move on. Me, I feel like I am being manipulated and toyed with. Like her purposely got my hopes up and does this to me to get revenge for how I made him feel so many years again... And it hurts. I don't know why it hurts so bad but it does. I guess for a minute I thought I could right and wrong and actually get a chance to experience what I stupidly walked away from so many years ago. Instead, I have this aching feeling in my chest and sadness overwhelming me.

I try not to withdraw into myself too much when I feel like this, but with New Year's Eve approaching tomorrow and trying to convince myself to keep my plans... I just don't want to. I want to go home, curl up and do nothing. Why is it so hard to love yourself enough in this world that you can't just brush things off like this? Why can't I just shrug and go "Oh well, his loss," instead of feeling like the biggest POS on the planet? This, of course, all stems back to my non-existent self-esteem, of course. What a wonderful thing to deal with that is! Why can't there just be some switch to just turn off the bad feelings. Most of the time I am able to maintain a certain level of apathy, but this is bothering me badly for some reason.

I suppose I just need to remember that life continues on, and everything I want to accomplish I can by myself. Just need to get through this and stay positive. Guess that is a good start to 2015... trying my best to love myself, regardless of everything.

Kim

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Dear Granna,

Well, I can't say I have been very adamant about keeping you up-to-date with the goings-on of my life. I suppose every time I have wanted to write I just kept making up excuses as to why I shouldn't. The same story every time, heartbreak, disappointment, nothing much more to say.

2014 has actually not been a bad year, I ended up getting a full time position at the end of 2013 as an Executive Assistant, and surprisingly have not been fired yet, though there have been a few scares due to my own insecurity. I finally got my own place again in the beginning of the year and I can't believe it is almost time to renew my lease again! It is nice to have my own space, not have to worry about picking up after anyone but myself and to be able to decorate it and keep it clean just the way I want it. Not to mention being able to walk around in ratty pajamas and not be embarrassed about it.

It was a good step for me, makes me feel like more of a grown-up, since I had been floundering around it what felt like childhood for so long. I have an adult job, and my own place... seems like things are going in the right direction. Though I still have no luck finding someone to share my life with. Most of the time I am terrified out of my mind that I am being used, and it turns out to be true. Maybe it is because I am creating that whole situation in my head that it actually happens. I even went out of my comfort zone and dated someone who wasn't my type at all, and it turns out even those people can be liars too. Makes me feel as if it is my fate to be alone. Out of all of my siblings, I am the only one who doesn't have SOMEONE to share it with. While there are extreme measures I can take in the future to create my own family, I still hold on to the hope that someday I will find someone who wants to make a family with me. Time is short, however, and I can't wait much longer for the right one to come along. People don't live forever, and I certainly am no exception. As I am beginning to move through my 30s, I have to consider the though of bringing a child into the world before I am too old to do so, and still be able to keep up with them.

It's silly of me, some people are happy with solitude, but I feel like I have so much more to give than just being alone. Maybe that is my lesson in life, to learn to enjoy it alone instead of relying on someone else to make it happy, but it certainly isn't an easy road.

Christmas is upon us tomorrow, and it will be spent with other people in their happiness. Jen with Ryan and the kids, Paul and Khale, Mom and Chris... and then me. Always just me. Hopefully I can make it through the day without the bitterness in my heart bubbling through. The thought of presents does help. A girl can never have too many gifts to make her smile. My Boss surprised me yesterday and gave me a gift, which made me smile. He also included a card with quite a sentimental message that, I daresay, made my heart do a little slip. It is nice when someone expresses emotional attachment to someone even though they rarely show it. Made me smile. If only life was like the movies and he would sweep me off my feet to a life of luxury! It is fun to dream. Perhaps Hollywood has ruined it for all of us. Romance like that only exists in the movies. True love is something people write about because it isn't real. Finding love in general is so, so rare, I am surprised people don't treat each other better when they have it.

So you see, some things have changed, but most things remain the same. The trials and tribulations of my life always come back to the affair of the heart, which is a vile, vile creature. Why haven't we figured out a way to turn it off to prevent us from feeling heartbreak?

I will try to do better at writing more, but I am afraid it is always the same and you will get bored of hearing me complaining. Tell me to pull myself up by the bootstraps and carry on. Can you please make it that simple?

Kim