So the big 3-0 is here. Getting here was a mess, being here is a mess. Obviously the goals and milestones I set for myself to reach before hitting this age have not been met. I'm back to feeling like a failure. I look at my life and keep struggling with the fact that I don't have a career, I'm not published, I'm childless, I'm in the process of getting divorced (but did that marriage really count since we didn't actually consumate the marriage?), I don't have my own place... Aren't these the sort of things you should have at least some of by the time you hit my age? Everyone says I am being too hard on myself, but the are the ones who are married and have kids or have careers or their own places... It just feels like they are placating me to try to talk me back off the edge again. I'm standing up here and wondering why I'm even hesitating diving off. It feels like I have nothing. Mom is too busy trying to maintain her destructive relationship, I'm a burden to Jen and it feels like she is purposely keeping her children from me because I don't fit into her "family" ideal. My handful of friends is dwindling, its funny how people disappear when you stop buying things for them and entertaining them. Suddenly when you ask for something in return you're not good enough.
I'm back to feeling like there is a hole in my heart. That I wish I could go back in time to when I was little and grow up with you, so I could learn to be strong and independent and have had someone to rely on, to love me the way I was instead of wanting me to be thinner or better at school or have more friends or be less of a tomboy... Or am I just mistaken in thinking you would have loved me just the way I am? Mom always says you were a cruel mother that had high expectations for her children... but if you had a child that met those expectations would you had to have been cruel? Or would you have treated me differently if you had seen me more than once every couple years and have raised me different after knowing how your children turned out? I feel like if I had a stronger woman role-model I may have turned out differently. I wouldn't be longing for a relationship or children or family, I would be content with myself, I would be stronger, I'd have self-esteem, maybe I'd have done something great with my life.
The 'what-ifs' are a misery, aren't they? I think the only sad thing I would experience if I lived a different life is I wouldn't have my dog. But I think she would forgive me for all of the other things I may have accomplished given a different life.
I'm trying to write, desperately trying. Some nights I can't stop the words from flowing, other days I stare at the flashing text bar on the screen and nothing comes out. Right now I'm in a slump.
I've been reminded again how meaningless I am to Jen and how she doesn't even care to understand why it is so important for me to be involved with my nephews. What if they are the only babies I'll ever have? What if watching them grow up is the closest I get to being a mother? I don't even know if I can have kids, and even if I can I am severely lacking in the money/sperm-donor department to provide my kid with a good life. Am I the one who is being selfish here? Or is she? I know she has a right to live her own life, but to make your sister feel like she means nothing over and over and over... I guess it comes down to being my fault for going back every time to receive the same punishment. I'm like the kid who keeps touching the hot oven even though my hand is covered in scars. Why do I try so hard when obviously I just don't matter?
Living with a broken/empty heart is about the most painful thing that I can imagine. Living with a brain that constantly whispers in your mind that you're not worth being alive is hard too. Combine those two things and I find it hard to find drive and purpose. I was strong a month ago, I'm weak again now, and I don't know what to do to be strong again. People abandon me and I'm floating alone on a sinking ship. Who am I supposed to grab onto or turn to when I'm the one trying to drown myself? How do people who have it worse off go through each day with a smile while I sit at my desk and sob uncontrollably? Why can't my brain and heart just work the way they are supposed to instead of like shit? Don't even ask me about faith or tell me to find Jesus. I tried that. That just made me realize how stupid people can really be. Maybe someday I'll tell you my theory on religion and Jesus and God. If there even is such a thing.
So, right now I am trying to convince myself to keep taking one breath at a time. To stop longing for the life I could have had spent with you. To stop regretting the time I didn't get with you. I wish I could stop missing you. I wish the hole in my heart could fill up but unless you plan on coming back or they get the internet in the afterlife, I'm pretty much screwed in that department, aren't I? Knowing my luck you've reincarnated into baby Flynn and I'll never be able to have a relationship with you again anyway. Because the universe finds humor in making me suffer.
Just keep breathing, right?
Kim
