The New Year is upon us. So far it has been uneventful. If that is the one thing I can claim for myself is that I am boring. Very little changes for me, so I live each day in a safe routine. No, one might say that this is why I don't experience all of the things that most people feel like I should be experiencing right now, but I do my best to stay social when the time is right. Forcing myself to go out when I don't want to only makes me withdraw into myself even more and doesn't help the situation any, because then people don't see me for who I really am. Instead they get the uncomfortable, quiet person who doesn't want to be there -- and don't they all know it!
So far this year I have renewed my lease to spend another year in my apartment, I still have my job (though there were a couple moments where I was terrified that it might have been lost), and I didn't completely lose my mind when Beep ended up with a lump on her ear that might require surgery to fix. Baby steps, I guess! I've also continued to watch what I eat and started adding a new routine of push-ups and crunches to my days to help tone up my flabby muscles in my arms and tummy. Have to do something to keep busy, right?
I suppose the biggest disappointment would be the gentleman that I mentioned in the last letter has been being... very secretive, out of communication constantly, and throwing up red flags in my mind every time I hear from him. My natural state is to be untrusting. When someone doesn't give me answers or tells me stories that are so far-fetched without background information, my brain immediately goes on the defensive and I don't know what is real anymore. So of course I am reliving the hurt of being abandoned constantly, wondering why someone would take time to do such a thing to another human being. If I could just get answers, or proof, or something that would make all these stories seem true, instead of getting the run around once a week (though now we have hit the two-week mark of non-communication), then I might feel better. But now, it feels hopeless. I feel hopeless. How could I have let myself fall into the fantasy that this might actually work out? I'm so stupid.
I wish it was real. I wish someone really did hold a flame for me for four years and liked me enough that they really did want to pursue something... It's just not. Guess I am only good for entertainment and manipulation for someone when they are bored or when they have a beef with me that they feel like they have to hurt me repeatedly to feel better about themselves. Story of my life. I don't want to play games anymore. I don't date because I don't like to play games. I hardly socialize because that's all people do. Where are all the good people? Everyone tells me I need to move out of California, that people are more real in other states. I've considered it, but I have a good job and family here, and I am stuck in a lease for another 12 months. Maybe next year. Truth be told, it would be nice to have a fresh start somewhere, where no one knew me, where I could avoid drama and games and maybe find people who actually want to be around me rather than use me. Or I just have to keep being steadfast in cutting out the garbage in my life, and doing it all on my own.
It just gets so frustrating sometimes... 22 days into the new year... at least there is still plenty of time to turn it around.
Kim
