Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dear Granna,

It's been a while. The absence I have been feeling lately has been almost too much to bear... Just watching my life passing me by and not having accomplished anything that I had hope to by now... I look back at all of my mistakes, my hopes, my disappointments and very few triumphs. Should I really let turning 30 effect me the way it has? I've never been married, I don't have a semblance of a stable relationship, I have no kids, I'm working a temp job, I still live in the same place... I'm just so disappointed in myself. When I was in college I had all sorts of hopes and dreams, I was in love, I was writing, doing well on my own... And now? Now I just feel like I have nothing to contribute to this world. My muse has run dry, my heart is an empty husk of what it used to be because of being hurt so many times, I don't have a career or a family, I have very few friends I can rely on and my mental state continues to deteriorate.

My therapist tells me to be more positive, to stop preparing for the worst case scenario, but that is all I know how to do. If positive things happened to me I would be more positive. She says that I just view positive things as negative and just have to learn to live in the moment. I'd love to live in the moment in a marijuana induced high while stuffing oreos into my face, but apparently using drugs is just another crutch, and I can't eat oreos because I'm afraid of getting fatter than I already am, and thus continuing to diminish my chances of finding someone who would be stupid enough to marry me.

What am I doing wrong? How did you do it? How did you survive a world who looked down on you and said you did everything wrong? You were so strong. Strong enough to not need anyone to help you, even until you died you still were refusing help. Your genes are in me... so why can't I just be strong and just accept things the way they are? Accept that maybe it's not in the cards for me to get married and have kids... Accept that my family is dysfunctional and trying to find some normalcy in it is just pathetic. Accept that my heart is in shambles and it may very well never heal again... Instead of trying so hard, fighting to swim upstream.

Accept the nothingness that I have become.

Wishing you were here to guide me,

Kim