Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Dear Granna,

As the holidays loom near, I find myself reflecting a lot on the year that has passed. It has been filled with love, loss, life, change, growth... A very, very important year for me. I have discovered who I am, what I want, how I am going to do it, and started out on the path that I believe I am supposed to take. It is going to be a long, hard road, but I think if we don't challenge ourselves, we nevery really know what we can be capable of.

And then there is Kyle. In the past month we have spent more time together than all the time we were dating. We have grown close emotionally and shared things with each other than both of us admit we have never shared with anyone else. We have become open and caring with one another and developed a strong friendship bond, and I find myself fighting the feelings of passionate love for him. I can love him dearly like a friend, but anything beyond that is only going to cause me hurt. It is so sad to want something so bad, want it more than anything, and to know that you will not have it. In the deepest part of my heart I will always wonder about what-ifs... but, if we hold on to those...then we will miss the true opportunities that pass us by. I can't be blinded. I have to stay focused on my path, it is just hard when you want someone to walk beside you, and the person you choose...doesn't feel the same. I guess that is part of life.

I'm doing my best. I think this coming year is going to be a deciding year in my life. What law school I get into, where I am going to end up, who I am going to take with me. It will be amazing. It is frightening, but I am ready for change.

Kim

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Dear Granna,

As if my life wasn't complicated enough, there is always going to be something more that throws a monkey-wrench in the perfectly working machine. I am sure you remember Kyle...the one who I had convinced myself I was in love with...recently we had started talking again, and hanging out again, and of course we fell back into the routine of flirting and general mischief, but it was all innocent play. I never expecting anything to come of it, because I know not to be stupid. And then something horrible happened. Something I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams... something that I would have never wished on anyone... Kyle got into a motorcycle accident. He is very lucky to be alive. Ended up with seven broken bones and missing a lot of skin, but he is expected to make a complete recovery. And for the past three days I have sat loyally by his side, making sure he was as comfortable as possible, being his personal nurse when he needed it the most. Something inside me told me to be there to support him and care for him because no one should have to walk through this alone. And while I was laying there beside him, he would take my hand and press it to his lips gently, or pull me to him ever so slightly and kiss me sweetly on the lips and thank me for being there with him. I told him I didn't have anywhere else to be.

It was just surprising to see such a strong man in a weak state. But I have to step back. I can't let myself get trapped into this game again, knowing very well what the outcome will be. It has to be a combination of the drugs and the stress that is making him act like this, because as far as I am aware there is nothing there between us. Nothing but our strong friendship. I can't let there be anything else. Not unless he proves to me that things are different, that he shows me 100 times over that this isn't some horrible game. In the back of my mind I always wondered about the what if... about if it would just happen someday... but I don't know anymore... I don't want to hope and expect it because then I just get disappointed.

Right now, because of my apathy towards love and relationships I just look at this situation as some sort of fucked up mind game that he is playing and make sure to stay ontop of it. It's just so different now because I met his family and made friends with him, I was there for him when he needed me the most... And I may have proven to him that I'm not like other women. But he has to come to me. Otherwise, I will be waiting forever for something that wont happen. I'm just so confused. So horribly confused and wanting to run away, but at the same time I want to nurture and care for him while he needs people around him the most.

I guess we'll see what happens. One day at a time.

Kim

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Dear Granna,

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am actually proud to be an American. Last night Americans united and we took a stand and embraced change. Not only do we have a Democratic controlled House and Senate... We have elected our first black President. And for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm actually starting to believe that this country can change. That we can focus on the things that need to be fixed. That the government is going to be working for us and not just paying the big-wigs on capital hill. We are changing history, America is going to become a well-respected national again, and finally we all might come out of the darkness that has fallen upon our country. It is going to be amazing. I can't wait to see it pan out.

Other than that... I don't know what is happening to me. I've become apathetic towards love and relationships... I am really just focusing on me right now. Working, going to school, running... it is all about me. The young man who gave me his heart is off in the middle of nowhere serving his country, and I almost feel bad that I don't think I will ever be able to completely give mine in return. Granted, I care about him, but I don't see a future with him. I don't see a future with anyone but me at this point. I just want to enjoy the simple pleasures and not worry about things getting any more complicated than they really are. Who knows how I will feel months from now when he returns, but at this point... I don't know. I just hope in his heart he can forgive me someday for not being what he had hoped for.

Waiting for Jen to have Ciaran... He is late! It is exciting to think that I'm going to be an Aunt... and have someone who will look up to me... He shares my blood... so it is going to be amazing. It makes me wonder what it will be like to have my own babies someday. After school, of course. No point in rushing into things if I can't take care of them. I have to worry about my debt and all of that in the meantime. Hopefully I'll get a good bonus this year and a good pay-raise and can start paying off my debt a little quicker. Granted, I am not as deep in the hole as some people, it still is disconcerning.

So, that is just a little update on me. I don't know what is happening anymore. I just feel so emotionally off...and it really doesn't bother me. But, at the same time, I'm happy. So I can't complain.

Kim

Monday, October 27, 2008

Dear Granna,

Things are...complicated... It is so weird, and challenging, I don't know what is going to happen with the future, if I am going to be able to make it that far... And it is just...complicated.

I don't know what to do anymore. Sit and wait? Sit and hope? In all of my experiences of waiting and hoping, things have not turned out the same. Here I have someone who wants to give me everything, someone who wants to spend the rest of his life making me happy, and I don't believe it. Not one word.

It's a shame that we get so hurt in our lives that when the one true thing comes along, we just don't believe it. And destroy it before it happens. I am trying my best to be open and loving, but always in the back of my mind there is the little voice that tells me it is doomed to fail. Because of who I am.

Kim

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dear Granna,

It's funny how for a moment everything can be perfect for you, you can be happy, loved, on the right track, then in an instant that all can change. I'm second guessing myself, I'm opening my mouth when I shouldn't be, I've lost my best friend, my respect for myself, my hope for anything... And I'm back to being where I started at the beginning of all this. Alone. Empty.

Granted, I've still got my goals to focus on. Finishing school, completing the marathon, getting into law school, they just seem so pointless now, when you have no one to share them with. No one to get excited with you, no one to have your back when you need their support. And it hurts. Because for what seemed like forever I had an amazing woman looking out for me, guiding me down the right path, giving me the support and love that I have never gotten from anyone before -- and it's gone. Because of me.

And now I can't focus, I'm bored, I have no one to release all my frustrations to and be completely honest with, someone who actually gets me on a level I never thought anyone could. someone who could see past the darkness in me and know there was a good person. But I guess the darkness won out again this time. I suppose there is no reason feeling sorry for myself, or angry, or depressed...because there is nothing I can do at this point to fix anything. I guess it will just take some time to adjust to being half-empty again. I've lived with it before, I can certainly do it again. Just have to focus on the hard fact that life is difficult, whether we like it or not. Just have to keep chugging along towards that future where I will be able to take care of myself and not depend on anyone to help me along the way. People always say you shouldn't have to face things alone, but I think in this life...maybe I am supposed to.

Like you did, Granna. You lived your life, you raised your family and supported them without help from anyone else. And we come back to wondering if that is really what I am supposed to be taking out of all this.


Kim

Monday, September 22, 2008

Dear Granna,

It's always the same... They realize I am going to be a challenge, that I have a ton of baggage... and then there is nothing.

Do you think in this life I'm supposed to learn to love myself first before I can let anyone else love me?

The person who I once was...the one who would give her heart away at the drop of a hat, the one who would love unconditionally as if there was no tomorrow...she's gone. Replaced by some heartless drone that, when presented with a potential future, just...shuts down. Shuts down and drives people away.

I am so much the polar opposite of what I used to be. This is what I wanted though, to be cold, to not hurt... Funny how it would show up when I least need it.

Kim

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Dear Granna,

It has been a long, emotionally draining day. And it isn't even over yet. I've still got a potential six hours left until I can finally lay my head down on my pillow and hope the tears will not overflow again.

How come when you think you're on the road to happiness, people have to RIP the idea from your mind and make sure to dash all hopes and dreams you have? To tell you you're stupid when it comes to men, that you don't know what you feel, that you're desperate, or impulsive... so many hurtful words coming from people who supposedly love me and care about me, and yet they tear me down like this and I end up walling up my heart and wanting to run away.

I feel sick to my stomach. My heart feels like it is breaking. I'm experiencing the same feeling I always feel when any semblance of a relationship ends because those people have already ended it for me in my mind. How could it possibly last if no one has any faith in me, or trust in me that I am doing the right thing? How can these people claim to know me at all when they have no idea what I am capable of, how much I think about these situations, how much I think about the future and what I want?

It is to the point where I don't even trust my heart anymore, because every time I listen to it, I'm wrong. So it goes back into its little box, locked up tight, and I'm just...here.

Though, there is one person that has been a guiding light this whole time. The one person I would trust to not lead me astray, the one person who has been right about all of the bad relationships I have been in and there to pick me up when I fell... She is telling me to trust in her heart because she knows things will be okay. She is keeping me from walling it up too tightly because this time it will be different. This time it is right. I just don't know anymore. I go through these waves of being sure, and then waves of being frightened because people plant the seeds of doubt in my mind. Marj is working diligently to pluck those seeds of doubt out, but every now and again she misses one and it just makes me feel so...helpless. So wrong. So scared.

I don't know anymore, Granna. If nothing else comes out of this, I am seeing behind the curtain, I am seeing who wants to selfishly keep me for themselves and deny me my own happiness, and those who really love and support me, regardless of how strange a situation may be. I just wish I could hold onto that seed of happiness and make it grow and bloom without people coming at me with shovels.

I want so badly for it to be different, but why do I keep walling myself up, waiting for it to be the same?

Kim

Monday, September 8, 2008

Dear Granna,

It has been a while since I have written. Mostly because I have been so busy with work and school and trying to find a second job, I hardly have time to think, let alone sit down and put my thoughts on paper. But, I feel like I am long overdue.

It is a shame when you have been beaten down so many times that when something good happens to you, you don't think it is real. You train yourself to expect the worst to happen because that is always what happens anyway... Even the people around you, who are quite aware of your bad luck, tell you to be careful because they know how things always end... It's why right now I'm sitting in a state of purgatory. I'm in between reality and fantasy and I can't figure out which is real.

I hope against hope that all that I hope for comes true, but part of me still hesitates. Part of me holds something back because it will be easier to deal with the heartbreak when it inevitably will happen. And that is sad. That once I would give it all 100% and not be afraid, and now...I go against my very nature and hold back. Maybe because when I give it all, people leave me. It's too much for them. People aren't used to someone who gives up everything to make them happy, to love them, to help them. They don't think it is real, they think there is a catch. Just like I suppose I would if someone gave me everything they had. Why are we so jaded, Granna? Why can't we just accept that some people out there have a huge capacity to love and be loved and not to be frightened of it? Not to wait for the bad news, the catch...

I want so badly to be happy. I want so badly for this to be real. To have found someone who really does care, who is going to do what he says he is going to do, who really wants forever. But I'm fighting with myself. Fighting my nature to just give myself over completely because I'm scared. Scared this will turn out like all the rest. Things will not be what they seem and I will be lost and alone again, hurting and hating. And all I can do now is wait. Wait and see if this is real. Wait to finally give myself over or confirm my fears. Only a few more days until I go down an all-to-familiar path.

Hopefully this one will lead me somewhere instead of back to where I began.

Kim

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Dear Granna,

I had an interesting dream last night. The person I was walking with I couldn’t quite recognize but I felt comfortable talking to her. She almost looked like Mom, but at the same time she didn’t. This person was telling me how proud she was of me of just taking out the trash and moving on to the next guy every time I felt like it wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t taking it personally when something hurt me or didn’t work out and that I was staying strong. In my dream I laughed and said I was a grade-a piece of ass and that I could afford to be picky and just keep moving on to the next guy, and the right one would appreciate me the way I deserve to be appreciated.

It is a good mentality to have, I think. To just shrug things off as life experience and just keep moving forward, instead of staying in one place and floundering in the pain or the hurt. It’s not worth it. The people that hurt me are not worth the energy it takes for me to still think about them and be hurt about them. I am really embracing my strength as of late because it is my strength that makes me beautiful. And it is my strength that makes me who I am. I think for too long I pretended to be weak so that I would attract a strong mate, but I don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to be who I am not.

I think that is what I am supposed to be learning right now…to just keep moving forward. Life will deal you a poor hand every now and again, but there is no reason to dwell on it. Toss the cards and get dealt a new hand, right? Just need to stay strong and keep my chin up and exude the Leo glow that I’ve always had buried inside me.

Kim

Monday, August 4, 2008

Dear Granna,

As if the games Kyle and I played before weren't hard enough on me, I finally chose to end them. This is what I wrote to Kyle this morning after we exchanged some words that...I was not pleased with:

The reality of it all is that it is time for change in my life. This has been a year of change, and I've had a lot of time to think about my actions recently. I've been acting too much like a child, and that is not me. My quest for "fun" has greatly hindered my quest for what I really want, you know? You have seen a side of me that I have, for the most part, tried to keep under control. It is easy to just be irresponsible and seek out physical pleasure and not worry about the emotional damage that it will cause in the long run. But last night, when I got a phone call from my ex I realized something...I realized that I had been down this path before and it only hurt me.

It's time for me to be an adult. I've got to get my head back on straight and get my life back in order. While having fun is always good, everything in moderation. I need to find someone that complements my mature side, not just my childish side. I need to focus on getting my debt under control, finishing my paralegal certification and going to law school. I need to remember that there is a child growing inside my sister right now and that, too, is going to change my life because I will be someone that he looks up to someday, and what do I want him to see? Certainly not who I am right now.

My good friend Ryan said this to me yesterday and it really started this whole self-revelation thing: "What are your standards for yourself? How do you want to define yourself? What is the person you want to be? Are you making that hypothetical person a reality? These are the sort of questions I ask myself when I measure my worth. Recognize the "me" first, then let others pick up the scent." And it really surprised me when what I answered with was not who I was acting like at all. The things I listed above, about school, about my career, about being a responsible and dependable Aunt...that is who I want to be. I need to grow up. I need to find "me." The me I am supposed to be, the one who accomplishes great things and is well respected and loved. Not the girl who is out catting around, floundering in her life unsure of where she wants to go or who she wants to be with.

This may all seem very odd for me to be telling you, but here is my reasoning: My desire to be with you, to be the person who I think you wanted, really drove me off the "right" path and put me onto one where, while it was fun, it was not the one I should have been on. It is funny, I wanted so badly to catch the thing I couldn't have, so badly to be cherished and adored by the one person who I couldn't get to notice me, and as a result I lost sight of everything. In only a few months, a handful of days that is just a flicker in the grand scheme of things, I allowed myself to change. And I always told myself I wouldn't do that again. That I would not lose my strength and myself. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I suppose you never can control what you do.

I adore you, Kyle. I always denied it, but I did love you, and I do still love you to some extent, but in the long run, what does that accomplish?

I have no idea what is going to happen, but things are going to be different. It can't be the same anymore because the same isn't working for either of us. At this point we can either grow together or grow apart. I want to be there for you and be a friend to you, but you have to understand that at the same time, I might not be the person you're hoping for. We are going to have to be patient with one another and see if it works. While I get back on the right track, I may not be someone you want around you because we will be so different. We are so different. But sometimes those differences really help guide us the right way or show us who we can really be.

I hope you understand what I am trying to show you. It's impossible for you to know me until I know me, and it might be a bit of a journey to get there. I will do my best to be a friend to you and help support you in the ways that I promised I would, but it might not work. We might end up being too different, and I just want you to be prepared for that, just like I am preparing myself for that. Hopefully it all works out and we can be what each other needs right now. I just wanted to give you a little insight to what has been going on in my head, since I often keep you in the dark.

I can't play games anymore. I refuse to play them. This is how it has to be. If he wants to support my growing and maturity, he can be my friend. If he thinks that I am going to continue to be immature and support the same in him, he is wrong. I am 25 now. It is time for me to be an adult and act like one for a change. No more going out and catting around, no more bad decisions. I need to do this for me. I need to be strong and amazing like you. Now I just need to keep my resolve to do all of this.

Kim

Monday, July 21, 2008

Dear Granna,

Well, my stint with a lover was all but brief. We saw each other a couple times and now I cannot seem to wrangle him to spend time with me. There is always some excuse, so I am on to bigger and better things. Though, against my other better judgement, I did see Kyle again. We had met up to exchange our stuff and spent some time talking and he wants to try to be my "friend." Whatever that means. I don't even pretend to understand men. And since then he has been calling and texting and e-mailing more than he did when we were dating. I never intiate, he always does. It is like he is chasing me for the thrill but has no intention of ever doing anything about it...and it frustrates me to no end.

The worst part is, I took advantage of that. His desire to want to see me, to talk to me, I goaded him on because I love the attention. But I am still unsure how I feel about him. He burned me. He doesn't get my love back... but what is his end game here...what is he trying to accomplish by staying in my life?

He is on his trip right now, so contact has been limited. Though I have heard from him a couple times. The first day he was gone he called me early in the morning to talk to me and let me know he was alright. I ended the conversation abruptly, as I can't really play these games. I just...I don't know. I'm done trying to understand and done trying to hope. The boy I took as my lover I had thought was a wonderful gentleman, but then the excuses started. Maybe when he doesn't have excuses anymore I will talk to him again...but for now, I need to be strong and happy being single. Being alone. Need to find the beautiful silence I had with Kyle on my own.

And I need to start running. I think getting out there and getting rid of this frustration in a physical way will help me as well. I will be strengthening my body and my mind. Even if it is only around the block a couple times to start...just getting out there will do wonders for me. I need to work out more.

Did I tell you I quit Kung Fu? I have found myself in a great deal of debt, so I have to give up what I love the most in order to pay down my debt and be a responsible adult. I'm trying to get a second job as well, but having no luck so far. I am even applying for minimum wage positions where they should be hiring all year round. I am trying to take control of my life right now. Of myself. Of my finances. Of everything. We only have one chance in this world, so I better not fuck it up more than I already have.

Wish me luck, Granna. This year is about change and strength, I just know it. I know inside me somewhere there is a woman like you who wont feel lonely or depressed. I just need to let the tamed lion out back into the wild and learn how to roar again.

Kim

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Dear Granna,

I've given up. On Hope. On Love. On everything. I can't keep getting hurt the way I do, and it will be better for me in the long run if I just close my heart up and not let anyone in. I don't know how long I will feel like this, but I know when I have to face Kyle tonight (for possibly the last time) I need to be strong. I need to have my chin up, take my stuff, and walk away. I need to show him that ship has sailed and he had his chance. If he really wants me, if it is really meant to be, then he will have to chase. But I'm not waiting around.

I've taken a new lover. Against my better judgement, but I think in the long run it will be good for me to learn to separate fun and emotions. I can go out, have sex, and not get attached. I just need the apathetic attitude and remember that what it comes down to is I have myself to look out for and I'm the only one who will be there for me in the end.

Maybe this whole experience is a lesson in strength and detachment. Maybe I am supposed to be able to be a "user" instead of the one being used. I just want to be strong. I want to have fun. I don't want to be hurt. Is that too much to ask in this world?

Kim

Monday, July 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

I suppose the wound has had enough time to start healing over now. I am not hurting as much as I was, and I even had the strength to send Kyle a "Goodbye" letter.



Kyle,

I guess this is it... I had hoped we could at least remain friends through all of this because of our wonderful ability to get along well and have fun together... but maybe it would just be too hard on you and I. I really don't get the "disappear" mentality, when I don't really hold any ill feelings towards you for being honest with yourself. But if it is something you have to do, then I will support it.

For what it is worth, I really did enjoy my time with you and have fun. Maybe I made some hasty decisions but I really don't regret it at all. I can go out there and have fun and try new things and not be afraid of having a little adventure here and there. I'll look back on our countless nights of movies and videogames and smile as you suffered through my horrible films and air hockey abilities.

This will be the last time I will contact you unless you contact me first. If you ever are ready or feel comfortable enough to at least be friends with me, feel free to give me a call or send me an e-mail.

I hope you find what you are looking for, Kyle. You deserve every ounce of happiness that you hope for...Don't be afraid to let people in, sometimes you get hurt, but that is life. Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

Take care of yourself and don't change for anyone. You are an amazing person, and the right woman is out there for you...and she'll know exactly what I mean.

Thank you, again, Kyle. For everything.

Kim


I suppose this is how I deal with pain. I put it down in words and try to remember the positive, instead of telling him how really hurt I was. How he is a stupid man for throwing me away because I am amazing, and maybe someday he'll look back and see how it was a huge mistake. It's those horrible thoughts that will help me get through this, instead or remembering how we had so much fun and for a brief period I felt love for someone again. I felt like I had a future. If I can feel it with him, I can feel it again. So it gives me hope.

I'm an amazing woman. I deserve to be loved and treated right. I deserve a man who isn't going to be afraid to be in a relationship with me and will give me all the attention and respect I deserve. He is out there somewhere. It may take me years to find it, but I am not going to find him by just sitting around feeling sorry for myself because the wrong guy broke my heart.

So I am getting out there again. I am going to hold my head up high. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

Kim

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Dear Granna,

It's over, Granna.

He doesn't feel the "spark."

So, instead of waiting it out and seeing if something like that develops...he just wants to end it.

I feel...I don't know what I feel. I had hoped for the best, but I guess sometimes what you really want you just can't get.

I guess it wasn't meant to be. I guess this was the sign I was waiting for... It doesn't hurt any less... If I hadn't gotten attached it wouldn't be as hard, but I just feel rejected and having no value. How can I be so unlovable? Why does this reason keep coming up?

It's life, I guess. Now I need to start the process or moving on...maybe the right one will find me. I'm tired of looking.

Please send me your strength to get through this.

Kim

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Dear Granna,

So is this my sign? The one that I've been waiting for? For him to just completely shut me out and not give me the time of day? Am I just reacting too emotionally like normal, or is this it? He wont return my texts or my e-mails, but he has time to surf the internet while at work?

We were supposed to get together tomorrow for a party...and now, now I don't know what is going on. I feel the tears building in my eyes and the familiar sting of heartbreak in my chest. The worst part is...I don't even know what I did. I don't even know why I don't have enough value for him to respond to me and tell me he is just busy or that he doesn't want to see me anymore because I am too demanding, or because there is an old flame back in his life or anything. Anything is better than not knowing.

I deleted his number out of my phone. I'm deleting his e-mail out of my work contacts so I don't have to worry about spamming him with e-mails asking him "Why" over and over... They say if you love something set it free... Well, now he gets to be free. I can't do this. I can't be someone's whore. Is that why the dynamic changed for us all of the sudden? Because I didn't have sex with him on Tuesday?

I guess I read him wrong. Completely wrong. It wasn't him falling for me I was feeling, it was him getting ready to leave. I wish he would have been man enough to say something, at least. Instead of just...doing what a boy would do. Ignoring me until I go away. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling used, abandoned, hurt...crushed. I knew that I shouldn't have let myself get too close, I knew I should have kept the wall up and not hoped that he would feel the same way as I did for him.

Stupid Kim. Stupid, stupid Kim. Is this my lesson? Not let anyone in? Stop falling for the wrong ones? It hurts right now, Granna. I thought we could have been happy, I thought he was coming around, I thought we could have been...something, at least.

It never ceases to amaze me how wrong I can be.

Kim

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Dear Granna,

As I sit here staring at my computer I almost can't find the words to say what I feel right now. It is...odd...because I have never had a lack of words, before.

Another wonderful evening last night with Kyle. We went to dinner, to the movies, to Dave-n-Busters and then back to my place. But something happened. We didn't have sex, and he still stayed the night. And as I lay there in bed with his arms wrapped around me, listening to his steady breathing (then his decent into heavy snoring!) I realized that it really feels like Kyle is falling for me. He is just too scared to admit it to me or himself.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm so wrapped up in the idea of all of this working out that my reading of him is completely off...but that is what my gut is telling me. Given enough patience and time, he is going to feel like it is safe to admit that he does feel the same way I do. That this isn't just a fling, that there is something more between us and it has long term, perhaps even forever, potential. I don't want to admit it to myself yet, because if I hope for this, and it doesn't happen, you know me, I'll be destroyed.

So, for now, I enjoy his company, but what I feel from him isn't just fling. Hopefully I'm not reading him wrong.

Kim

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Dear Granna,

We had a good weekend. As I write this, my heart is pounding in my chest. Ever since I found that song that so accurately represents my entire situation right now, I've been struggling. I think I fell this weekend, and I'm trying to talk some sense into myself because if I admit that I've fallen...then it is going to be all the more difficult when this finally comes to an end.

In the deepest part of my heart I hope it doesn't...when I'm with him I actually feel like we could make a good future. We're so much alike, but so different that we still would be able to teach each other things. Right now I hope we're establishing a good base for what can be long lasting love...but is it all a pipe dream, Granna?

I know these are all irrational things to be thinking about someone I've only known for such a short time, it just feels natural. Feels right. But maybe that is just for me. I feel like he is coming around, that he is seeing I'm not going to hurt him and he can open up to me and I will never judge him... Or is that my romantic side coming through and I'm not seeing the real picture? I don't know anymore.

He spoke to his friends and family this weekend, and when he did he mentioned my name directly, which means they know about me. Instead of "I'm Out," like it used to be, it was "I'm with Kim."

Is that my sign, Granna?

I asked you the other night to give me some kind of sign to see if I should hold on or if I should run. Then I heard the song, and heard him on the phone... I don't want to read too deeply into anything, but at this point...I just...it is going to hurt. And I didn't want to get to this point so soon. Then again, you can't control how you feel, I guess.

If this is supposed to be it...please give me the strength to hold on...and if this is not...when it ends, give me strength to move on.

Kim

Friday, June 27, 2008

Dear Granna,

I found this song the other day...it really is everything I want to say to Kyle:

Waiting - Renee Cassar

You're so scared to show emotion
That I think you're bleeding from within
And I've tried to reach inside you
And break the walls so we can begin
I've walked to hell with you
I've done it all to please you baby
And we've come so far that now I really
Need you too

Let it out
Let it out
And let me in
Let it go
Don't you know
That I'm waiting
For you
For you

I'm wanting to belong here
I'm trying to hold on and understand
That you've been through so much
That it's hard to trust someone again
My dreams are always with you
My hopes they lie within you baby
But I've tried so hard that now I really
Need you too

Let it out
Let it out
And let me in
Let it go
Don't you know
That I'm waiting
For you

I want to see you
Let me see you
Let me in
Let me in
I want to know you
The worst about you
I want to see
Everything
Everything

Let it out
Let it out
And let me in
Let it go
Don't you know
That I'm waiting
For you
For you
For you
For you

I just wish I could say this to him and not be afraid of his reaction...

Kim

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Dear Granna,

It's funny, how you can have all of these irrational fears, then suddenly when you're with someone, nothing matters anymore. All of my fears and insecurities disappeared last night after we spent another wonderful, peaceful evening together. Initially I was a little distant, we didn't hug or touch one another when he got there, but while we were talking, he leaned on my stoop and wouldn't let me pass him, so I gave him a sweet kiss and smiled at him. From that point on we were back in our normal groove. Touching, playing, flirting, kissing, it was fun, to say the least. We went to the store, bought groceries, and he poked fun of me while I checked out. While we were cooking dinner, he insisted on being in the kitchen with me to help, always touching me, or being close enough to me that I could breathe in his scent.

While we were waiting for dinner to finish cooking we hung out outside and he surprised me. He had ridden his motorcycle down to see me and we had it parked inside my gate and just sitting there. He is, of course, aware that I am going to be taking my motorcycle class next month and he decided he wanted me to get on his bike. Now, something you should understand is that no one gets on Kyle's bike. He gets angry if people touch it without his permission, so when he told me to get on it, I just stared at him and asked him if he was joking. He laughed at me and told me to get on after I told him he didn't let anyone on his bike and clarified that I wasn't just anyone. So, I got on, and he supported the bike for me. He wanted me to know where the brakes were, where the clutch and the shifter were, and where the foot break was. He wanted me to feel how the bike felt underneath me and see if I could support it with my legs because he wants me to be ready to ride. This act right here meant that he was admitting that he cared about me and wanted me to be safe. It gave me a flicker of hope that we are actually heading down the path to the relationship that I want. Of course, when I threw my leg over the bike I started shaking because I was so scared of hurting it because it is his baby...but he just laughed and patted me on the hand and told me to not worry. All in all, a good experience.

We ate dinner, relaxed on the couch and I massaged his shoulders during the movie. He had been feeling sore since his paintballing trip the weekend before, so I massaged out the muscles in his legs as well and just helped him relax. Later we were snuggling on the couch and I was falling asleep and he decided he needed to go (he didn't have a change of clothes on him), so he kissed me on the head a few times before I whined about him leaving, then we lingered for a while before he reluctantly got ready to go. I gave him another kiss before he put on his helmet and watched him get ready to drive away. Before he did, he looked over his shoulder and waved at me with a smile then rode off slowly. I am thinking he didn't want to go, but he got scared about wanting to stay.

Trying not to read too deeply into all of these things, but today my heart just feels full. We're going to the baseball game on Friday and Saturday we're going to the fair. We'll see if anything new and exciting develops then. I'm also going to ask him about what he is doing for the 4th of July...and see if he'll invite me up to his parents house. I think I will feel much more relaxed once I meet his family... But, I know it is still soon, so I might want to have a backup plan for the 4th...

Kim

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Dear Granna,

Kyle and I are getting together tonight. We’re going to watch a movie and I’m going to make him dinner. I’ve been fighting with myself back and forth all about what I’m supposed to do about this situation because I want to be patient …but at the same time, I want to know if it is going to go anywhere. My good friend Marj has been doing such a good job of being a listening ear…here is a bit of the conversation we had this afternoon:

Marj: I just don't want you hurt. He needs to say one way or another.

Me: I know. I'm doing a really good job of not letting myself fall, though! Not yet, not until he does, dammit... :)

I keep trying to convince myself that I want to be "free" you know...that I can do this casual date thing and not get attached to anyone... I just epic fail.

Marj: You don't epic fail! <3

Me: *Sigh* Then why can't I just let him go?

Marj: It's hard. Trust me... very, very hard. But you're a strong woman - you can do it.

If it doesn't feel right 100%, don't settle because you "could" love him and he "could" love you. Find the one for you that you can love without condition and who loves you without condition. You'll know it when you find it.

Me: But I can love him...I do already, I'm just fighting being IN LOVE with him, you know? I'm trying really hard to just pull back...but when I'm with him...here's the way I can describe it best: Every day there is so much noise that I have to deal with...the noise of my own thoughts, the noise of work, of life...but when I'm with him, it all goes quiet. I can just be myself and relax. We're the only two people in the world when we're together...it is so weird...

And I know he's an asshole and he's afraid of commitment, and he is probably going to break my heart... but when I feel calm and peaceful around someone like that, I have to give them a chance to come around. Because when he does, we'll have such a powerful bond...

Maybe I'm just too romantic... Maybe I need a reality check? Boot to the head or something!

It's so horrible, too...my heart is telling me now he is falling for me, he's just scared... My brain doesn't know what to think. Stupid brain. Stupid heart. Do I trust my gut here?

Marj: That's your call. I can only tell you what I see <3

Me: And you see him as a user...huh? Or a jackass that needs a reality check?

It's just so weird, Marj...I know I complain a lot, but there's got to be a reason for all of this. I mean, there has got to be something more behind it all. The way he looks at me, or the way he wraps his arms around me whenever we are standing together or laying in bed, the way he'll lean over to kiss me just for the sake of having his lips on mine... it is just so...is that normal behavior for someone who just wants to get laid?

When we went to the Pompeii exhibit it was like we were an actual couple. He held my hand the whole time, he navigated me through the crowds and protected me...and when I'd stop to look at something, he'd wrap his arms around me, lean down and whisper in my ear about the mythology associated with the thing I was looking at. It's those moments that make me stay.

(Sigh)

That or I’m just telling you all of this to convince myself he’s not a douche.

I’m in a constant state of wondering what is going to happen and it is horrible, Granna. I want to fall, I want to give myself over to him completely, but at the same time I don’t want to because if I do and he doesn’t return it, then what do I do? But at the same time, he tells me he isn’t capable of love, but I swear I can see it in his eyes that he is falling for me. I can feel his affection when he wraps his arms around me and just breathes me in, just like I do. I know he misses me, otherwise when I freak out on him, he wouldn’t call me to reassure me that everything is okay. He wouldn’t worry about “us” being “okay” when something bad happens, unless there was an us, right?

All of these things make me wonder if I keep at it…if I keep being patient, if I will experience that powerful love that I dream about… but on the flip side…if I keep being patient, will I be absolutely destroyed when it never happens? Life is about taking risks and playing the game…if I don’t take this risk, will I always wonder what might have been? And if I get burned, at least I wont have to wonder about the “what-ifs.” I have taken so many leaps of faith this year…is this just going to be another one where I live-and-learn or will this actually turn out for the best?

Just need to keep my shoulders back, my head high, and stay strong. Something has got to give eventually. If it is meant to be, he’ll open up to me and let me in. If it’s not…then walking away will become more and more easy with time.

Kim

Monday, June 23, 2008

Dear Granna,

Is it wrong to want someone to keep in touch with you to make sure they are okay? I mean, just a simple text message that says, "Yeah, I'm alive," can make all of the difference in the world, you know? I worry. When I don't hear from people, I get scared. I wonder if they are dead on the side of the road somewhere and whether or not I will ever find out. And I experienced that panic this weekend. After a whole weekend of silence, I reacted out of anger to Kyle and told him if he was going to brush me off, he should just say it to my face instead of ignoring me, when in truth, I was so scared that he was hurt. And it is just easier to deal with the anger. He called me Sunday afternoon, but it still didn't stop me from wondering if I would ever find out if he was hurt.

I know we're not "together" and I shouldn't expect for someone to know to call me, but I am part of his life and I don't think it isn't a resonable request to be kept in the loop if someone gets hurt. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I'm giving myself too much value to someone who doesn't seem to value me as much as I do him. It just frustrates me to no end to sit around and worry if I will find out if he is a stain on the pavement or not.

I went out with someone else last night, too, I tried to keep an open mind to it, but, I don't know. There just wasn't a spark like there is with Kyle and I. Maybe it is because I am so blinded by my feelings for Kyle and my hopes that he will come around that I am going to miss out on my chance with another wonderful guy...or maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to stay focused on my task of healing Kyle and worry about the other people later... Regardless, I just need to learn to relax, breathe and take it one day at a time... Hopefully it wont be wasted time.

Kim

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dear Granna,

It was...an eye-opening evening last night. I still am not entirely sure what I am supposed to do now...but do we ever really know what path we're supposed to take? Needless to say, the evening didn't end as I had hoped it would... Kyle and I were...unsafe for the first time last night, and at the time it wasn't a problem because we were in a fit of passion, but afterwards he shut down on me emotionally and practically sent me home. I felt rejected, alone, angry on my way home because I had given him my body and he couldn't even give me the courtesy of asking me to stay.

This morning I was resolved to not talk to him at all. He wants to play these games with me, he can contact me when he is ready. He called me later in the morning to apologize to me for the way he acted last night. Then he gave me the reason why. He had made himself a promise that he was never going to have unprotected sex with a woman again because of his experiences in his past. His fiance had ended up getting pregnant and then aborted the baby, and it has weighed on Kyle's shoulder's since it happened. It was so interesting to see that weakness. Almost like he feels like it is his own personal failing that things didn't work out. It's funny, because it is the same way I would feel. I always take the blame, so I know what it is like to suffer in silence. Needless to say, he said it wasn't anything about me, but he had some "self-loathing" to do last night, because he had broken the promise he made to himself. I assured him everything was fine, and I was just as much to blame, but the next time something like that happened, he needs to open up to me immediately instead of shutting down. I think he is scared of sharing his thoughts because he has been judged so harshly in the past, perhaps. I am not here to judge, I just want to understand and make sure we have open communication. Before the conversation was over, he asked if "we" were okay and I told him yes.

I am beginning to think my purpose in all of this is to heal him. Once he is healed he can move on and be happy...it may not be with me, but someone needs to help him out of this darkness. He needs to know that not everyone out there is going to hurt him and to not live in fear. I only hope I can guide him in the right direction and not get too attached or hurt in the process. It's funny, actually, to feel like I have to do this, when sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But that is what he expects, isn't it?

To further the idea that I am supposed to focus my energy on him right now, I hurt my back last night. Plans I had for tonight and tomorrow to go out with new people have been cancelled because I need to be at home resting. How odd is that?

It is time to break out the healing energy and show Kyle that it is okay to let go of the past. Please give me strength so I can do this.

Kim

Tuesda, June 17, 2008

Dear Granna,

What is life without a few roadblocks, right? Kyle and I got to talking about feelings again yesterday and he came clean that he doesn't think he has the capacity to love someone right now. Which, I guess I can understand because he has been burned pretty hard over the years. He said that it wasn't a "never, ever" situation, that it will happen eventually he's sure, but right now he just doesn't know. I guess at this point it is either take it or leave it. Do I stick with this and see if I can soften him up? Or do I take the hit and bail out? I am so torn. Part of me wants to fix him, show him it is okay to open up and love, the other part of me tells me it is not my job to fix him, and I will only end up getting hurt again in the end. I remember this situation with Jason. He said he wouldn't love me ever, at least Kyle is open to the idea, right? But can I go through a relationship with someone waiting for them to figure out if it is going to happen? Or is Kyle just testing me? Is he putting up these walls to see if I care about him enough to fight through them? I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Surprisingly, I'm not too shaken up about it. I'm looking at it logically and accepting the fact that he has been through a lot and hardened himself over the years. It is kind of like what I have wanted to do but have never been able to. Do I give it a few more months and see if he warms up at all...? I really do enjoy spending time with him, and I could see myself with him in the future...that is why I am torn.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to go out with other guys and have a good time, and if someone better comes a long, Kyle will have missed his chance. Kyle hasn't earned my heart yet. He doesn't deserve for me to hang on to him and make me work hard for him. I guess it is easier to be strong these days then I thought. There are so many people in the world that I shouldn't have to fight so hard. But then again, isn't fighting for what you want what makes it so great when you get it in the end? I guess we'll just see where this goes. Keeping my options open, but also holding on to that little flicker of hope.

Kim

Wednesday, June 11, 2006

Dear Granna,

I'm finding that ever since I "let go" of the idea of absolutely needing a commitment to be with someone, thing have been going smoothly. I'm just sitting back and relaxing and having a good time, and whatever happens, happen. Though, I am not entirely sure what is going to come of all this, but I am still doing a good job of protecting my heart. While eventually it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, this is a big lesson on patience for me. Not everyone moves at my pace. The good news in all of this is, well, we are building something. Whether or not it is going to be the foundation for a successful relationship, or a good friendship, right now we're laying the concrete, as it were.

Last night I went up to watch a movie and relax with Kyle. It was a good night of play and I eventually fell asleep on his lap. He needed to put the cover on his motorcycle and I thought it would be a good time for me to head out, so I got all my stuff together and walked down with him to his bike to cover it. After he was done covering it, he began to give me gentle kisses then told me I didn't need to leave. I laughed at him and asked him if that meant he wanted me to stay. To which he responded that he was offering. Me, being who I am, asked him for a yes or no to my previous question, but I never quite did get it out of him. Only "I'm offering." But, I took it, regardless.

We had very gentle sex and he kept saying he was afraid of hurting me because of all the bruises he leaves on me and he is afraid he gets too rough with me. I kind of laughed at him and told him not to worry about it. That if he did anything I didn't like that I would let him know. Regardless, when all was said and done and we lay there in bed, I began to rub his back because I knew it would put him to sleep. He looked over at me and asked if I was trying to put him to sleep so I could sneak out once he was, and I assured him I would be there in the morning.

It is funny the different affection levels I get on different days. On some days I feel like I am just a casual fling for him, and on others I feel like he is holding on to me because he thinks he is going to lose me. Why would he be afraid I was going to be gone in the morning? Why not let me go home in the first place? It is just odd. Maybe he is warming up to me. Or maybe he knows I'm pulling away. Now that I've taken my blinders off and I'm looking into my other options...maybe he can see that. It is all very interesting. I am not entirely sure where I want to go from here or what I want to do, though I did think of good quote the other day, "Why can't we just love each other today and not worry about tomorrow?" If Kyle and I ever have the "serious" talk again, I'll bring that up. I'm trying not to worry about then, I'm worry about now. Maybe we can both learn from that.

Kim

Monday, June 9, 2008

Dear Granna,

It was an interesting weekend and I am finding myself repeating the phrase "Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind," to myself over and over. If I really am falling in love with Kyle, then I can be patient and wait for him to see I'm not going to hurt him. I have been being very gently so far, and maybe this is my lesson for now. I am learning to be patient and take things slow, and not put my heart on the line so quickly.

Friday was an interesting day. One of my friends had gotten ahold of Kyle's e-mail address and send him a quote about not feeling the future. Kyle got extremely upset about this and laid into me and fumed for the rest of the day, not talking to me. Then near the end of the day I asked him if we still had a date that night and he said we did, and apologized for his actions. That night, he continued to apologize for what had happened because he said it wasn't me that had upset him, it was the situation and his crappy week and he just took it all out on me. I told him not to worry, that I understood, and he just kept saying he was sorry. Do you think he was afraid he was going to lose me? That I saw the darker side of him and I would go running for the hills? Maybe this will be a good show of my character, that I'm not going to cut and run when he has a bad day.

Needless to say, we fell asleep together on his couch that night watching movies, then I spent the night wrapped in his arms, wondering what I was doing there and why it felt so wonderfully comfortable.

We saw each other again on Sunday. We went down to Balboa Park and saw the Pompeii exhibit, where every time I would stop and look at something he would wrap his arms around me and tell me about the Mythology associated with it. It was a very fun experience to see how knowledgeable he was. And for us to share the Pompeii exhibit together because we both have visited the actual ancient city, it was very peaceful. Like we were an actual couple. After the Pompeii exhibit, we went over to the science center and played with everything we could find and just experienced being kids. It was also good to see that side of him. When they kicked us out of the museum, we decided to make dinner back at his house so he could do laundry. So, we went grocery shopping together and cooked dinner together back at his place. Once again, it was another peaceful moment where we talked and stood in the kitchen like a couple. After dinner, we both lounged on the couch and fell asleep during the movie we were watching. When we both woke up I made my way home.

I'm trying not to read too deeply into it. Trying to take things as they are and go with the flow. I don't want to worry about whether or not he is feeling for me like I am feeling for him because it will drive me mad. I'm going to try to go out and see other people to try to get my mind off of it...give him the space and freedom he wants to make his decision. The sad thing is, all I want is to be wrapped up in his arms, inhaling his scent, feeling his lips graze across my forehead while we lay together on that evil couch that puts us both asleep. But those romantic fantasies need to stop. It is not safe to give him my heart yet...as much as I want to, I can't. I have to hold on to it. While he may appear gentle and kind on the outside, I am not entirely sure if he will handle my heart in the same fashion, so for now I keep it locked up tight, keeping the key where I can't even get to it.

This is my lesson. Being patient. Being kind. Not reading too deeply into the events that happen. However this unfolds, I think I will take these lessons with me. And that is not entirely a bad thing.

Kim

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Dear Granna,

This is what I sent to Kyle this morning to recap out "talk" last night:

What Was Established:

Kim: Wants the opportunity to begin exclusively dating with hope that it may someday turn into a potential relationship, however, would remain content with just being “exclusive” for an unset period of time. Regardless, Kim is content just being with Kyle.

Kyle: Is not entirely sure what he wants but is leaning towards keeping it “casual” because he is uncomfortable with the idea of losing himself to another relationship.

Outcome: Both have agreed to continue seeing each other and revisit the above mentioned issues in an unset period of time.


What Was Not Established:

While Kim did confess that she is developing strong feelings for Kyle, whether or not Kyle is even having any romantic feelings at all is still up in the air.

Time limit for follow up meeting (two to three months?).


For Next Meeting:

Whether or not both are going to let fear dictate their decisions, instead of just taking the plunge and seeing what happens. Ultimately, what do they have to lose?

Chalk it up as a summer fling or continue on and see what develops?


Follow up meeting in two to three months.



Obviously this was not the outcome I wanted, but what should I have expected? We have only known each other briefly, so it really is too soon to be thinking about a committed relationship. However, my cards are on the table now. One can only hope that he can see how amazing I am and start to learn towards wanting to have a relationship with me, but at this point I'm not holding my breath. My heart is aching, but I have not cried because he is not worth my tears. I'm going to continue to go out and see other people and if Mr. Right comes along, Kyle will have just been a stepping stone and I can move on and find what I want.

At the same time though, because I can't have him, I want to fight for him. Play by his rules. Make him come around. But you can't make people love you. That is just not how it works. So I'm being careful now. My heart is mine. He wont get it unless he works for it.

This is all still a learning experience for me. I'm out "playing the field" as it were, since I have never done this before I am not entirely sure how it is supposed to go. So we'll see. I'm calling upon your strength right now and keeping my shoulders back and my head high. If he doesn't want me, he is an idiot.

Kim

Monday, June 2, 2008

Dear Granna,

I still haven't seen him, though we did talk on the phone for a little bit yesterday. He had forgotten his phone over the weekend so I wasn't able to keep in touch with him, so when I heard from him on Sunday you can imagine my frustration. I also was with Jen and Ryan at the time so I made our call brief and went back to doing what I was doing. Later in the evening I called him and he eventually called me back and we filled each other in on our weekends. I am not entirely sure how our conversation got to my family vacation, but I sarcastically asked him if he thought he was going, and he admitted that he would like to because he was invited. Conveniently the trip lines up with the weekend he has to be at a wedding, but I'm not entirely sure I'm going to go on the trip because of work and money issues. But, it was interesting.

I then brought up the point that I hated feeling like I was wasting my time and I needed some reassurance that he wasn't going anywhere. He laughed and told me I worried too much. We talked about my birthday and whatnot and I, cynically this time, asked him if he was planning on staying around that long. He said he was. And I told him that was a relief because I would like him to, but at the same time, it doesn't give me anymore information than I had before. I still have no idea how he feels about me, whether or not we're going to be dating exclusively from now on, what the long term plan is...he just tells me to relax and not worry so much.

I hate to break it to him, but I'm a planner. I like to plan things out and know what I'm diving into. He's just a shoot from the hip kind of guy. It is amazing we get along so well when we are two very different people in that respect. Regardless, we made a date for Friday, though I confessed I would like to see him before then...I don't know if I will get the chance. Going to see my father tomorrow and going to a baseball game, Wednesday I'm available but he says he is busy, Thursday I have Kung Fu, and there we would be on Friday. I guess I just need to feign apathy like he does, it seems to be working for him.

I wish he would tell me what he was thinking over the phone, but he insists on waiting until we see each other in person. I hope it is not what I am dreading. I hope that he looks me in the face and tells me he is falling for me, instead of looking me in the face and telling me we're not going anywhere. It is so confusing. I've never done this patient dating thing. I just need strength and patience right now to make it through this week.

Kim

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Dear Granna,

We're going to have a "talk" the next time we see each other. This morning I confessed that I had been developing strong feelings for him and was trying to sort through them. He said we should sit down and talk and maybe that will help. How am I supposed to know what the means? After prodding him for information, asking him how I should prepare myself emotionally, he responded:

"Well, I don't really know, I don't think it's either good or bad, it's just getting a handle on where we are."

Is he just trying to spare my feelings? Already when I think about it I can feel my stomach tie itself in knots and I wonder what is going to happen. The bliss that I've felt with him this past month is now replaced with an insane fear of it being over. The biggest problem is, if he just wants to continue to date casually for a while, I don't know if I can do that. I want a future. I want someone to share my life with, with long term potential. Not someone who is just thinking in temporary terms. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised, but I am definitely going to prepare for the worst here. My heart is fragile, and I have given it away too soon. I need to be strong and remember that if he chooses to not have me in his life it is his loss, not mine.

I didn't mean to bring up the serious talk so soon. It has only been a month, but I can't sit around and wonder what is going to happen anymore. I can't wonder if he cares about me like I care about him. I want to be up front and honest and just get it all on the table so that I know the hand I'm being dealt.

Don't know when I'm going to see him again. Next week probably. But I am dreading it.

Kim

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Dear Granna,

I am so torn right now. Trying to figure out if I can let myself go down this path of falling in love all over again, or if I should keep fighting it and look at our whole relationship objectively and just keep treating it like it is temporary. Is it the fear of being hurt that is causing me to pull away right now?

He says I worry too much. I believe him. Every time I say something I worry that I will offend him in some way to drive him away. I'm waiting for that day when he takes me by the hands, looks me in the eyes and tells me it is over. Why do I have to be so scared? How come I can't just stay happy?

We had such a wonderful weekend. Watched the sunset on Sunday evening, I made him dinner, we relaxed on the couch and watched the movie...we stayed up pretty late...so Monday we slept in. Our beach plans were dashed because the weather was horrible, but, we made the best of it...napping on the couch, our bodies tangled together, and it was so peaceful. He took me out to dinner near his place that night and we walked along the beach and talked. When we got back to his house I rubbed his back until he was alseep and let myself out.

Last night I went up with the intention of only seeing him briefly and ended up staying until almost midnight. We hung out with his roommate and played video games, chatted, had a good time. Afterwards, when we were both laying in his bed, our hearts racing in unison, I looked up at him and smiled...but couldn't bring myself to fall asleep in his arms. Once he started drifting, I let myself out and went home... Why did I do that? Why am I pulling away all of the sudden? It doesn't make any sense. When I am with him, everything is right in the world, I'm happy, laughing, having a good time... And when he is not around, I'm okay. I look forward to when I get to see him again, but it isn't what drives me. I'm just content. But why am I getting scared?

He is going to be gone this weekend at a wedding...I wont get to see him again until next week. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder...Hopefully it is true. So far it seems to be...on Sunday after he had not seen me for most of the week he was very affectionate. When I asked him what was up, he smiled and said he hadn't seen me for a while...

I know that falling in love takes time, but it would be nice to know if there's even the possibility here. I guess we'll have to wait and see...

Kim

Friday, May 23, 2008

Dear Granna,

We had an interesting conversation, he and I. I usually don't like to talk about people's sexual history, but somehow my period of not being active came up and I explained to him that six months had been quite long enough. He had said that six months was nothing and his longest streak was almost a year. Curious, I asked him if he had meant it had been a year since he had slept with anyone until me, or if that had just been his longest, and he confirmed that it had been both.

My heart was filled with joy when I found out that it had been that long for him because it almost seems like he was just waiting for the right person. At that moment, I realized that I am very much falling for this man, but I don't know how to stop it. Thankfully I had a bit of irrational fear come through my brain and began thinking about him not telling the truth. What if he was just saying that sort of thing to appease me, to make it seem like he is not a bad guy after all? Like I said before, when I am with him all is right in the world, but when I'm away from him I have all of these fears and thoughts that I shouldn't have to worry about.

Why do I do that, Granna? How come I can't be happy? How come I am always looking over my shoulder wondering when I'm going to get stabbed in the back or crushed? Shouldn't I just be able to enjoy the journey and not worry about the end? I wonder if he has these same fears as I do. It's been a month since we've been dating and I'm ready to dive into a commitment but I don't want to take it too fast. Am I really ready for it? Or is it just the novelty of having someone to share my life with that makes me go so fast? None of this makes sense anymore, and ontop of that I'm falling in love with him.

Why do we have to fall in love with people? Why does it have to be so complicated and scary? Maybe it will get less complicated when the words slip out of my mouth. He'll either return them or run for the hills. Voila, complication over.

We're supposed to see each other this weekend and spend a whole day together. I suppose we'll see how that goes. We'll see if it even happens. I don't want to get my hopes up and get disappointed. I just want to be happy and stop being worried about all the bad that can happen. How does one learn to do that?

Kim

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dear Granna,

I think he and I made love last night. I'm not entirely sure if it was because of the cold medication he was on, or if he was tired or what, but it was so gentle and tender, I really didn't know what to think. Afterwards he wrapped his body with mine and just held me for a while and we fell asleep that way. It was very romantic. Not like any of the time before.

I feel myself slipping, Granna. And I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should fight it kicking and screaming the whole way or if I should just embrace the feelings and go for it... The only problem is, I can't gauge if he feels the same and I'm filled with all of these irrational fears that I am just being used, or there are girls on the side, or he can't possibly feel the same way... but when I'm with him, none of that matters. It is like the whole world stops and we are the only ones in it. It's amazing. And scary.

You know how I am though, I fall in love without thinking and just jump without looking. That is why I'm struggling so hard right now. I'm trying to think. I'm trying to look. I'm clinging to the edge, kicking my feet trying to get a grip on something, and it's just not working. No matter how hard I dig my fingernails into the edge, every time I see him I slip a little more. Will he be there to catch me? Or am I going to fall right on my ass again like so many times before?

This is really a battle. I'm so happy and beside myself all the time when I think about it. But we need to take it slow, right? No point in rushing into anything. Have to make sure whatever I'm feeling now I continue to feel and go from there. As of now, though, I'm addicted to his kiss, I'm addicted to his smell, the feel of him, his voice, his laugh... It's so wonderful and so awful all at once.

I just hope this is real.

Kim

Saturday, May 17, 2007

Dear Granna,

I wanted to sit down and write to you so that I can remember the events of the evening past. He and I had another wonderful evening, but the highlight of my evening was when we were leaving Dussini's and we ran into Jason. Yes, that Jason. The one who hurt me for so many years and never thought anything of it. The very one that would lie to me so that he could get what he wanted and not even take into consideration what it was doing to me emotionally. We were walking across the street leaving behind the friends that I had agreed to meet when I saw him crossing towards us. It took me a moment to recognize him and I felt the fire build in my chest. I turned and followed him to his destination and gave him a tentative hug with a huge smile and asked him how he had been doing. Jason didn't quite know what to think of my positive attitude towards him, but told me I looked good and asked if I had been doing anything exciting lately. With a smug smile I pointed towards him who was coming back across the street to me. Returning to my side, I introduced him to Jason and they exchanged a stiff handshake while the smile on my face was giving away that I was enjoying this entirely too much. Taking a cigarette from him I smiled at Jason and told him his friends were upstairs and that it was good to see him. Jason, still completely stunned by the fact that he ran into me made his excuse to depart and left.

I have never felt so wonderfully validated. Jason turned tail to get away from me and him and as soon as Jason was gone I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a big kiss, explaining to him that Jason was one of my exes who had hurt my greatly and I just had the opportunity to show him that I was moving on and happy with my life. It was wonderful, Granna. After that, we went down to the Shout House where I proceeded to get completely hammered and he took care of me all night. It is when he does things that that that I know there is a good guy in there. I only hope this isn't a facade...because the moment I find out he is using me I am going to be crushed.

I don't know why I can't just be happy and go with the flow. I've been beaten down so many times that I am already knocking myself to the ground. Maybe I will get helped up this time, maybe I wont.

I feel myself slipping, Granna. I'm clinging to the ledge as best I can but I'm losing my grip. Please, please send me strength so that I don't fall if he is not going to catch me.

Kim

Friday, May 16, 2007

Dear Granna,

I was just replaying our dates through my mind and I recalled a couple of behaviors that at the time I didn't think anything of, but now that I think about them I realize he has been raised well.

When we were walking to/from the beach on Tuesday, we had to cross a street to get there, and he made sure to move me so he was in the line of traffic and not myself. At the same time, while we were walking down through the canyon to get to that street, he would position himself in front of me, go down the hill, then wait to catch me at the bottom. Or climb up in front of me then reach back and pull me up. It seems to me that there may be a little bit of a gentleman in there, after all.

He always goes to open the door for me (car doors, building doors), and puts himself in front of me when we're trying to move past people. The strange part is, it doesn't bother me. I know that I can do all these things for myself, but I kind of like the idea of someone protecting me because that is what he wants to do. It is odd, actually, the thought of someone feeling like they have to protect me from anything. Or the fact that he is a gentleman, and while we goof around most of the time, he does know how a woman should be treated.

I fear I am smitten by him. Not like the previous crushes that I have had on total strangers, but the more I get to know him, the more I can see myself falling for him, and I need to slow down. I need to make sure that this is not all a game and I am ready for this. I still have my irrational fears that he is just playing with me, but then he says and does the little things that blow my mind right away. When someone just puts their hand on you and gently moves you aside in a not aggressive way, but takes a position to protect you, the thought of it makes my heart flutter.

Maybe I am just reading too much into this. I keep repeating to myself that I need to treat this like a fling and protect my heart. Have to be smart and not let myself get hurt, but at the same time I want to just jump in. I guess we'll see what happens. I am doing my best to follow and let him make the first move. We'll see if he comes through for me or not. We're going out again tonight, I am taking him Downtown to a couple places I enjoy going to, and he might even get to meet a couple of my friends. It is the least I could do for him after he introduced me to his best friend on Tuesday. Just need to keep having fun and slow down. Slow down and follow. Be strong. Not get in too deep too quickly.

It is just so odd that we're establishing a good foundation for a potential long term relationship and I keep stepping back because I so badly want it to be real but can't believe it yet. Think he'll prove it to me?

Kim

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Dear Granna,

He completely exceeded my expectations last night. I am still in awe about the whole evening. Which brings back more confusing feelings about wondering what is going to happen? He put so much thought and effort into the date... Introduced me to his roommate, showed me his house, took me out for drinks, took me for dinner, then we walked on the beach... It was just perfect. And afterwards I didn't feel so bad about sleeping with him because I felt like he earned it. I just wish that he would admit that it wasn't "casual." I know we have only been dating for three weeks, but how long do you wait before you admit that there can be something more than just casul? I don't know the timeline on all of this...I am trying to be patient and just take it one step at a time, but you know me, I always worry about the future. I always wonder if I'm wasting my time...if there is going to be long term potential here, or if I should just dump the situation and move on... But when I'm with him, things are okay. I'm laughing and having fun. I can feel myself starting to fall, but I'm holding onto the edge to make sure he is going to be there to catch me. When I think about it, I get butterflies in my stomach, but at the same time a huge gnaw of fear that this is all one big game.

Does he have the same fears?

I am eager to see how this all pans out. We're quite similar, but at the same time, we have so much to give to one another. Maybe it is the writer in me that can picture this wonderful journey, but I need to stop. I need to be a realist. Just do what Mom says and treat it like a fling until something else develops. Things take time to develop. Just need to have the patience and the strength not to run screaming into the night.

Needless to say, I was impressed last night. Just when you think you have someone figured out, it is amazing when they can blow your mind.

Kim

Monday, May 12, 2008

Dear Granna,

He wants to take me out to a fancy dinner tomorrow night. Over the weekend he hardly kept in touch with me and I was ready to write him off again. I'm not going to be the weekday girl. He has to make an effort to see me when it is convenient for me and not just convenient for him. I told him I would only go out with him tomorrow if he would come out with me on Friday. I hate to be manipulative like that, but I need to put my foot down. I don't want to think that he is just using me and he is going to have to prove it.

He also intends to take me back to his place tomorrow after dinner. One can only imagine what he has in mind, but I am hesitating now. I wont be his whore. Perhaps I wont even humor him and go back to his place. Just go to dinner and go home from there. I need to learn how to play these games better. I already jumped the gun and gave in to what he wanted, more than likely...so if he wants it again, he's working for it. Then again, how do I know I will be able to resit his advances when he is near me my whole body lights on fire. It it just the idea that I have chemistry with someone that sets me off, or is this how it really is supposed to be?

What it comes down to is I am not into the games. I expect a certain amount of attention, and while this may be casual for him, it certainly is not casual for me. I am trying to do my best to take it slow. We've only been dating for three weeks. At the same time I don't want to waste my time and spend it with him if there isn't potential for something more. I just don't know. I can't get a read off of him.

My friends and family are telling me to just have fun and not put too much emotion into it...the problem is I want to. There's a good guy in there, I know there is, he's just been hurt and he hesitates just like I do. That or that is just the way he manipulates me. I hate feeling like this. I hate having the voices whisper over my shoulder that this isn't real, that it is all bullshit and he is only going to fuck me over in the end.

Why can't things just be straight forward?

I'll write again tomorrow or Wednesday to talk about the date. This will be number four.

Kim

Wednesday,May 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

Why is it that you can be so filled with joy and people have to bring you back down to reality? Why is it that there are people in the world who hurt others so that they have to ruin it for all the rest of us? Don’t get me wrong, I love my Mother and my Sister, but my feeling of bliss has been grounded when they got me thinking that maybe I’m not the only one for him. I shouldn’t have to be paranoid, I shouldn’t have to wonder if he is bedding other women while I am at home feeling my heart roll in my chest when I think about him. Until they had mentioned it, I did not worry. They said you never know, a man will be a man, and I may never know if I’m just the girl on the side. But why can he be so romantic and when I am with him make me feel like I’m the only person in the world? If I really am the girl on the side, he must work very hard to do such a thing. It makes me wonder, it really does. I am sad that I have been manipulated and burned so many times that when my family warns me about these things that I actually consider them instead of just brushing them aside and having a good time?

He told me this morning while I was walking him to my car that it was like a dream. A great dream that he woke up from and then was disappointed that it had to end and we had to go to work. Then when he got off work he called me to talk about what he got in the mail and his drive home on his motorcycle…those simple things mean to me that he is really thinking about me, but why does everyone else have to say that it could be manipulation to protect himself? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I can’t just be happy. I can’t just enjoy the moment and stop working about the ultimate destruction of the relationship. We’re not even in a relationship and I’m already bypassing the whole thing and going right to the end. Right to the part where I am destroyed and my heart is broken once more. Why does it have to be like this? Is something wrong with me?

I so want to be happy. I want to believe that this can turn into something more. I want to keep walking on clouds thinking about the possibility of someone falling in love with me for real, instead of a relationship convenience. I want to be excited about walking beside someone and developing something real but part of me hesitates. Part of me feels like it is all just bullshit because the people around me tell me to watch out. They have the best intentions, I know, they just want to protect me and make sure I don’t get hurt…but why not just catch me when I fall, instead of push me over the edge prematurely?

This is all new for me. I’ve never really dated. I fell in love with the idea of Jason before we even were together. And he never loved me. I fell in love with Nick because we were good friends and it was convenient and he needed to be saved so we immediately jumped into a relationship. With him it is so different. We’re dating, we’re going out and getting to know one another and we took a huge step last night that may mean nothing to him but means a lot to me. I don’t just go to bed with people. It is not like me, so I am impressed at myself for being so liberated but worried that he will think less of me or just disappear because he got what he wanted. Though, his behavior today proves that it is not just for the sex, he kept in touch with me the whole day and did the above mentioned things.

Maybe I’m jumping the gun. Moving too fast. Everything in my life moves so fast so I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know the timeline or how things are going to turn out. I don’t know when it is okay to tell him how I feel or begin to let myself fall in love or when I should expect him to fall in love with me. This is ridiculous. Ridiculous and scary. I just don’t know what to expect. I want to just let myself go but at the same time, every time before this one…I have had such hope and they have been destroyed. The only thing that makes this situation different is I gave myself to him. I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable and gave my body to him to prove that I cared about him enough to do that…no one other has gotten that from me.

I suppose I should just take a deep breath and calm down. Take it one day at a time. Keep part of my heart locked away until he gives me part of his. Make him make the first move, and that way I know when to follow. Leading tends to get me in trouble and people can’t follow because I move too quick or in random ways… Maybe it is time to be patient and follow. Do you think I can do that?

Follow?

Kim

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

It is funny how you prepare yourself emotionally to complete write someone off and then they totally surprise you. He wasn't talking to me all weekend and by Monday I had deleted his number from my phone and began the process of getting over this whole dating situation and then he started talking to me again. Wanted to see me. So I agreed. And we went out last night. As always, it was fun. And then I did something I never thought I would do. I brought him home. My mind was screaming for me not to do it, that I wasn't ready, it was too soon...but when he kissed me and touched me my whole body just lit on fire and it took over.

Needless to say, I took him to work this morning. Mom and Jen always tell me to go out and be adventurous and just have fun, and I had a lot of fun. Now I'm fighting my programming and making sure that I don't make anything out of it. It is just sex. Granted I do like him and I hope he likes me, I can't expect him to wait for me to be 100% ready because I never think I will be. It doesn't matter now. The initial fear of having a new lover is gone...and now it is going to be more about getting to know one another's bodies better, trying new things and all of that. Assuming there are going to be more evenings like last night.

I'm just...I'm shocked because I don't do things like that normally, but I need to just go with it and be liberated. I need to know that this is a natural thing to do, and as long as I am careful (physically and emotionally) I wont get too damaged out of the whole situation. Like I said, if nothing else, I had fun, and I got some experience out of it...and I know I can take leaps and not take too much damage from the fall.

Kim

Monday, May 5, 2008

Dear Granna,

Ah, the familiar sting of rejection rears its ugly head again...When I last wrote I was debating whether or not you had send him to me, or if it turns out the world was just playing cruel joke -- turns out it was a cruel joke. And here I sit wondering what it is about me that drives them away? Why is it that I get crushes on guys that will feign interest for a few days then run screaming for the hills? Such is life, I guess.

It has to be me, right? I'm the one with all of the problems and the weird quirks that people just can't handle. I'm too aggressive, I'm too controlling, whatever it is, I just let it fly and they can't handle it. Am I really destined to be alone forever, or do I have to change who I am to attract that potential life partner?

I already have lost my belief in soulmates...and now I'm beginning to lose faith in love and feelings and any of that disgusting rot that makes us weak. Why does rejection have to hurt me so much? How come I can't just take a breath and tell them that they are the ones that are missing out? Where is my strength when I need it the most? It just drains me, to think that, once again, I'm not good enough.

Back to finding my own strength. Back to not worrying about finding someone to date and just letting it happen. I need to throw myself back into Kung Fu and reading and writing and just be content with that. Nothing wrong with being alone, right?

Kim

May 1, 2008

Dear Granna,

Did you send this one to me? Or is this the world's idea of a sick joke?

I had fun last night. I felt alive.

Kim

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Dear Granna,

I mentioned previously that I was smitted with a guy who I hardly knew...while those feelings have faded because he did not try to contact me, I find myself down another perilous path with romance. Right now my hands are shaking because I am meeting another new face tonight and I worry that he is not going to be what I expect and I am not going to be what he expects. Then part of me is scared, what if it is perfect? What if we get along so great and date more? Then what? I'd rather prepare for the worst and deal with the disappointment...instead of wondering the what-if's. It is strange, though. I swore I would no longer look for love, that I would wait for it to find me, and here I am again, wondering if this might be it. If he might be the one. I need to stop thinking about that, I need to come back down to reality and realize that there might not be a "one" for me and just go with the flow. But why does my heart race when I think about finding him?

I guess we'll see what happens when we meet tonight for the first time. I'll see if we really get along in person as well as we do over the phone. I've had so many disappointments in the past few months, that I don't know what to expect. Though, I didn't meet him through World of Warcraft, and he lives in San Diego (county) so there is no long distance to worry about...what am I thinking? I have to stop planning my future! We don't even know each other! These romantic notions need to go! Perhaps it is just because I am a writer and when I write in my fictional world, love that lasts through lifetimes exists and I want it so badly to exist in my world too. Maybe if I wrote about reality I wouldn't have to feel like this.

How did you do it, Granna? How did you wall up your heart? I need to know the secret.

Though, Mom said something strange to me yesterday when I was telling her about my upcoming date...because of all the strange coinsedensces...there are strange things about this one that no one has ever gotten about me before. Mom said maybe you sent him to me...and it made my heart flutter. It still makes my heart flutter thinking about it... But then we go back to fighting the romantic notion that things like that happen. I just need to be on my guard...go, meet a friend, have fun...and not worry about the future, don't I?

I guess we'll see what happens. Hopefully I wont be disappointed. Hopefully he wont be disappointed, either.

Kim

Monday, April 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

It is funny how you swear you are done with dating...you close yourself off to the world and say that you are prepared to be single and are going to embrace it so you can become a stronger, better person...and suddenly you are thrown into a situation where you wished you had the bravery to pass out your phone number so that you could get back in that ring!

Friday I was smitten. And completely by surprise. He walked around the corner, I was introduced and my heart jumped. We spent some time with friends on Friday and I laughed with them and watched him. Saturday night I came up for a party and I laughed and drank with him, hugged on him, took him in...and left him my number. The sad part is, I am trying to prepare myself for him not to call. I mean, from what I hear about him, he is in a work-aholic mode and doesn't want to be dating...but I had to give him my number at lease and just leave it up to fate, I guess. Maybe he'll have seen something in me that will make him want to call me...or maybe he wont. I wont to embrace the romantic notion that he was smitten by me and will call me, but at the same time, I can't handle the disappointment. It is better to just enjoy the fact that I had a good weekend and leave it at that. That I still have it in me to light up a room and have a good time instead of being anti-social and hiding away from everyone. Though believe me, the next morning I was wondering how I managed to survive. I'm getting old.

I need to stop looking and stop hoping to fill the void I still have. I need to fill it with something else...dig my heels into Kung Fu, spend more time with my dog, stop wanting someone else to fix it and patch it myself. I'm really trying here. In fact, I am trying to swear off dating in general and just go out with friends and have a good time, but it is funny when a moment like that will take your resolve completely away. Maybe it is a stretch...maybe I am just reaching and trying to grab onto anything that comes my way.

I just don't know anymore. All I know is, this weekend I had a good time, for the first time in as long as I can remember I laughed with a bunch of people and felt wanted and entertaining and exotic and everything. It was a good feeling. I suppose it was because they didn't KNOW me like the people I used to hang out with knew me...but life is about meeting new people, right? Hopefully I will get the opportunity to see them again, and if not...it was fun while it lasted. I'll remember the weekend for a long time, that is certain.

Kim

March 31, 2008

Dear Granna,

My aim is certainly off. I can't control how I feel. People are not who they appear to be. It is all one big mess, and I am recoiling again. I am wondering what I did to end up here and why I can't just have happiness and peace in my life. What is the greater lesson I am supposed to learn here? Why do I keep thinking of Nick and get filled with regret? Why does it seem like he was the only person meant for me and now I am destined to be alone because I was stupid? Am I just supposed to be content being single and let the chips fall where they may? Or am I supposed to continue to seek out the missing love I need to fill the void?

Nothing makes sense anymore. I am tired of heartbreak and disappointment. I am tired of hurting and wanting. I am just plain tired. I suppose I need to do a better job of embracing my independence and just be pleased with that. I mean, I enjoy my space and my home, I enjoy the freedom to come and go as I please, but it always feels like something is missing. Maybe that is Mom in me. She always had to have a man in her life because her family wasn't good enough. Family should be good enough for me. I should be content having good friends and people around me and go from there. Why do I have to keep looking to the past and recounting all my mistakes and wondering what I could have done different?

Everyone know Nick and I were no good for one another. We came from two separate worlds, but there were times when we were so beside ourselves in love that nothing else mattered. We were going to make it through anything...and I failed him.

Maybe I am going through the stages of grieving again. Maybe this is the natural state of things while I continue to grow and heal. I mean, it has been almost six months since we separated...shouldn't it be easier by now? Should I stop going back into a "funk" because I think about it? Every time I meet a new guy, someone who adores me, I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to continue forward (or they can't stand me!) Maybe it is too soon. I'm probably not ready. I need to have a more clear head and a stronger heart. Take fate into my own hands. Maybe it is time for dating hiatus. They say that when you are least expecting it, love will come to you. From this point forward, I'm just going to be me and be happy with myself and go from there.

I need your strength right now. Please show me how you did it for long.

Kim

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dear Granna,

As I write this, it feels like my heart will explode. The man I mentioned previously is coming down at the end of the week and I can hardly contain my excitement. I know that I told myself I was going to keep a part of me from him so that I wouldn't be hurt and disappointed if things didn't turn out how I wanted them to, but it was a battle I ultimately lost. He had mentioned his best friend had been teasing him about talking to me so much, to which he said he responded to his friend without missing a beat that he loved me and that was that. At that point I tumbled over the edge and now I am falling, bracing for the possible impact when he retracts his arms from catching me. Although, right now the fall is the best part. The butterflies you get when someone says they love you is worth all of the pain and suffering I have endured over the past months. He found me. He is coming to me. I am just waiting. It is so different because I am so used to being the one who takes the first step. I always chase, I always get burned. For the first time in my life someone wants me. I hope I can live up to all his expectations of me...as I hope he can live up to mine.

I know this is a learning experience for the both of us, as I am still unsure about being in a relationship just yet...and he says he has never been in love like this before...so we will take it slow. I will take his hand and we will be partners, like you always said to look for. Someone I can stand toe-to-toe with...not someone who leads or someone who follows.

Perhaps I am too far ahead of myself. I am counting all of my chickens before they catch. He may meet me and decide that he doesn't really love me like he thinks he does...but I will have to be okay with that. In life you take risks. This is another one of those "what if" situations that I am knocking out. If it doesn't work, we tried. That's all that matters. Hopefully if that does happen it will end differenly than it did with Josh. He completely shoved me out of his life and made me feel like I had no value to him at all. And it hurt. I was already bleeding and he made sure to tear open that wound just a little wider. But Brian was there to put pressure on it...to help me heal, so, if nothing else, perhaps Brian and I will remain very good friends because he will always have a place in my heart.

I am finally moving on. It feels wonderful.

Kim