Friday, May 23, 2008

Dear Granna,

We had an interesting conversation, he and I. I usually don't like to talk about people's sexual history, but somehow my period of not being active came up and I explained to him that six months had been quite long enough. He had said that six months was nothing and his longest streak was almost a year. Curious, I asked him if he had meant it had been a year since he had slept with anyone until me, or if that had just been his longest, and he confirmed that it had been both.

My heart was filled with joy when I found out that it had been that long for him because it almost seems like he was just waiting for the right person. At that moment, I realized that I am very much falling for this man, but I don't know how to stop it. Thankfully I had a bit of irrational fear come through my brain and began thinking about him not telling the truth. What if he was just saying that sort of thing to appease me, to make it seem like he is not a bad guy after all? Like I said before, when I am with him all is right in the world, but when I'm away from him I have all of these fears and thoughts that I shouldn't have to worry about.

Why do I do that, Granna? How come I can't be happy? How come I am always looking over my shoulder wondering when I'm going to get stabbed in the back or crushed? Shouldn't I just be able to enjoy the journey and not worry about the end? I wonder if he has these same fears as I do. It's been a month since we've been dating and I'm ready to dive into a commitment but I don't want to take it too fast. Am I really ready for it? Or is it just the novelty of having someone to share my life with that makes me go so fast? None of this makes sense anymore, and ontop of that I'm falling in love with him.

Why do we have to fall in love with people? Why does it have to be so complicated and scary? Maybe it will get less complicated when the words slip out of my mouth. He'll either return them or run for the hills. Voila, complication over.

We're supposed to see each other this weekend and spend a whole day together. I suppose we'll see how that goes. We'll see if it even happens. I don't want to get my hopes up and get disappointed. I just want to be happy and stop being worried about all the bad that can happen. How does one learn to do that?

Kim