Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Dear Granna,

I am so torn right now. Trying to figure out if I can let myself go down this path of falling in love all over again, or if I should keep fighting it and look at our whole relationship objectively and just keep treating it like it is temporary. Is it the fear of being hurt that is causing me to pull away right now?

He says I worry too much. I believe him. Every time I say something I worry that I will offend him in some way to drive him away. I'm waiting for that day when he takes me by the hands, looks me in the eyes and tells me it is over. Why do I have to be so scared? How come I can't just stay happy?

We had such a wonderful weekend. Watched the sunset on Sunday evening, I made him dinner, we relaxed on the couch and watched the movie...we stayed up pretty late...so Monday we slept in. Our beach plans were dashed because the weather was horrible, but, we made the best of it...napping on the couch, our bodies tangled together, and it was so peaceful. He took me out to dinner near his place that night and we walked along the beach and talked. When we got back to his house I rubbed his back until he was alseep and let myself out.

Last night I went up with the intention of only seeing him briefly and ended up staying until almost midnight. We hung out with his roommate and played video games, chatted, had a good time. Afterwards, when we were both laying in his bed, our hearts racing in unison, I looked up at him and smiled...but couldn't bring myself to fall asleep in his arms. Once he started drifting, I let myself out and went home... Why did I do that? Why am I pulling away all of the sudden? It doesn't make any sense. When I am with him, everything is right in the world, I'm happy, laughing, having a good time... And when he is not around, I'm okay. I look forward to when I get to see him again, but it isn't what drives me. I'm just content. But why am I getting scared?

He is going to be gone this weekend at a wedding...I wont get to see him again until next week. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder...Hopefully it is true. So far it seems to be...on Sunday after he had not seen me for most of the week he was very affectionate. When I asked him what was up, he smiled and said he hadn't seen me for a while...

I know that falling in love takes time, but it would be nice to know if there's even the possibility here. I guess we'll have to wait and see...

Kim