Saturday, May 17, 2007

Dear Granna,

I wanted to sit down and write to you so that I can remember the events of the evening past. He and I had another wonderful evening, but the highlight of my evening was when we were leaving Dussini's and we ran into Jason. Yes, that Jason. The one who hurt me for so many years and never thought anything of it. The very one that would lie to me so that he could get what he wanted and not even take into consideration what it was doing to me emotionally. We were walking across the street leaving behind the friends that I had agreed to meet when I saw him crossing towards us. It took me a moment to recognize him and I felt the fire build in my chest. I turned and followed him to his destination and gave him a tentative hug with a huge smile and asked him how he had been doing. Jason didn't quite know what to think of my positive attitude towards him, but told me I looked good and asked if I had been doing anything exciting lately. With a smug smile I pointed towards him who was coming back across the street to me. Returning to my side, I introduced him to Jason and they exchanged a stiff handshake while the smile on my face was giving away that I was enjoying this entirely too much. Taking a cigarette from him I smiled at Jason and told him his friends were upstairs and that it was good to see him. Jason, still completely stunned by the fact that he ran into me made his excuse to depart and left.

I have never felt so wonderfully validated. Jason turned tail to get away from me and him and as soon as Jason was gone I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a big kiss, explaining to him that Jason was one of my exes who had hurt my greatly and I just had the opportunity to show him that I was moving on and happy with my life. It was wonderful, Granna. After that, we went down to the Shout House where I proceeded to get completely hammered and he took care of me all night. It is when he does things that that that I know there is a good guy in there. I only hope this isn't a facade...because the moment I find out he is using me I am going to be crushed.

I don't know why I can't just be happy and go with the flow. I've been beaten down so many times that I am already knocking myself to the ground. Maybe I will get helped up this time, maybe I wont.

I feel myself slipping, Granna. I'm clinging to the ledge as best I can but I'm losing my grip. Please, please send me strength so that I don't fall if he is not going to catch me.

Kim