Thursday, May 29, 2008

Dear Granna,

We're going to have a "talk" the next time we see each other. This morning I confessed that I had been developing strong feelings for him and was trying to sort through them. He said we should sit down and talk and maybe that will help. How am I supposed to know what the means? After prodding him for information, asking him how I should prepare myself emotionally, he responded:

"Well, I don't really know, I don't think it's either good or bad, it's just getting a handle on where we are."

Is he just trying to spare my feelings? Already when I think about it I can feel my stomach tie itself in knots and I wonder what is going to happen. The bliss that I've felt with him this past month is now replaced with an insane fear of it being over. The biggest problem is, if he just wants to continue to date casually for a while, I don't know if I can do that. I want a future. I want someone to share my life with, with long term potential. Not someone who is just thinking in temporary terms. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised, but I am definitely going to prepare for the worst here. My heart is fragile, and I have given it away too soon. I need to be strong and remember that if he chooses to not have me in his life it is his loss, not mine.

I didn't mean to bring up the serious talk so soon. It has only been a month, but I can't sit around and wonder what is going to happen anymore. I can't wonder if he cares about me like I care about him. I want to be up front and honest and just get it all on the table so that I know the hand I'm being dealt.

Don't know when I'm going to see him again. Next week probably. But I am dreading it.

Kim