Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Dear Granna,

So, April is upon us. It has been a rather uneventful past few months since I last wrote. I have the normal routine of work, sleep, work, sleep. Occasionally I will meet up with a friend and do something that isn't related to work or sleeping. Well, I also get to visit my nephews. That is the highlight of my life, really. Watching two little human beings grow has been the most amazing experience of my life. Considering I am not in my 30s, I might not get the opportunity to watch my own children grow (hell, I might not even get the opportunity to HAVE children at this point). It is just amazing to watch something grow into a person. And I can't deny the fact that being the special aunt that they have makes me proud. I didn't have a relationship like that with Aunt Pat, and I wonder if I would have turned out differently to have an extra person in my life who was fun and gave me unconditional love.

So, there are some good things so far this year, it seems. I guess I can't ever say I have nothing to live for, because those kids stole my heart.

The gentleman I mentioned in the previous letter is still MIA. It is funny how you don't realize how much something really bothers you until you start losing sleep over it. I keep going over the what-ifs in my mind and I can never really get the true closure that I need. Everyone keeps telling me he isn't coming back, he just was toying with me... but why do I hold on to the hope that maybe it was real? Maybe he did mean for us to reconnect and there is just something keeping him from doing so? I guess that is what made me stay with Kyle for so long... I kept hoping that things would change, that he would wake up and realize he loved me. But with him, at least I did get closure. I found out the type of person he really was and was able to walk away from the situation and begin the process of healing. With this... I keep feeling like... what if this guy was supposed to be one of the great loves of my life and I blew it somehow? What would have happened if he and I DID get together all those years ago... where would we be today? That, I suppose, is why it tortures me. For the first time in a long time I had a chance to right the wrong of my past and maybe head down the path that was meant to happen in the first place... So far, though, it looks like that path is closed, and it hurts. Wondering and hurting and questioning is the worst place to be for a person like me.

I don't even remember what it feels like to be in love or to have someone I felt like I could truly connect with. Hell, I don't even know what it is like to share a bed with anyone anymore. It makes me feel like I am a failure of a human being, being alone when everyone else has found their partner. Why do people who are crap get to move on with their lives and find a way to be happy while I am stuck here? I'm not a bad person, I am kind and generous, loving, loyal... Apparently that isn't enough. I guess challenging people to be better and do more with their lives is such a buzz-kill that people just run for the hill. I don't even know anymore. The worst part is... The solitude is growing on me. I don't feel the need to go be social, while I do get extremely lonely, the thought of going out to meet people terrifies me because it always ends up the same. People disappear. I don't get closure. How many times do you have to get burned before you just go... well, that's just not for me, I guess!

Sadly, I am like the kid who keeps putting their hand on the hot stove and getting burned and just going back for it. What is it inside us that makes us seek out the thing that makes us so crazy. Why do we yearn for something that can make us feel elated and miserable at the same time? It is just so frustrating! And I hate, hate, hate that I feel for the fantasy of fixing my past.

It'll get better, right?

Kim

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Dear Granna,

The New Year is upon us. So far it has been uneventful. If that is the one thing I can claim for myself is that I am boring. Very little changes for me, so I live each day in a safe routine. No, one might say that this is why I don't experience all of the things that most people feel like I should be experiencing right now, but I do my best to stay social when the time is right. Forcing myself to go out when I don't want to only makes me withdraw into myself even more and doesn't help the situation any, because then people don't see me for who I really am. Instead they get the uncomfortable, quiet person who doesn't want to be there -- and don't they all know it!

So far this year I have renewed my lease to spend another year in my apartment, I still have my job (though there were a couple moments where I was terrified that it might have been lost), and I didn't completely lose my mind when Beep ended up with a lump on her ear that might require surgery to fix. Baby steps, I guess! I've also continued to watch what I eat and started adding a new routine of push-ups and crunches to my days to help tone up my flabby muscles in my arms and tummy. Have to do something to keep busy, right?

I suppose the biggest disappointment would be the gentleman that I mentioned in the last letter has been being... very secretive, out of communication constantly, and throwing up red flags in my mind every time I hear from him. My natural state is to be untrusting. When someone doesn't give me answers or tells me stories that are so far-fetched without background information, my brain immediately goes on the defensive and I don't know what is real anymore. So of course I am reliving the hurt of being abandoned constantly, wondering why someone would take time to do such a thing to another human being. If I could just get answers, or proof, or something that would make all these stories seem true, instead of getting the run around once a week (though now we have hit the two-week mark of non-communication), then I might feel better. But now, it feels hopeless. I feel hopeless. How could I have let myself fall into the fantasy that this might actually work out? I'm so stupid.

I wish it was real. I wish someone really did hold a flame for me for four years and liked me enough that they really did want to pursue something... It's just not. Guess I am only good for entertainment and manipulation for someone when they are bored or when they have a beef with me that they feel like they have to hurt me repeatedly to feel better about themselves. Story of my life. I don't want to play games anymore. I don't date because I don't like to play games. I hardly socialize because that's all people do. Where are all the good people? Everyone tells me I need to move out of California, that people are more real in other states. I've considered it, but I have a good job and family here, and I am stuck in a lease for another 12 months. Maybe next year. Truth be told, it would be nice to have a fresh start somewhere, where no one knew me, where I could avoid drama and games and maybe find people who actually want to be around me rather than use me. Or I just have to keep being steadfast in cutting out the garbage in my life, and doing it all on my own.

It just gets so frustrating sometimes... 22 days into the new year... at least there is still plenty of time to turn it around.

Kim

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Dear Granna,

For some strange reason for the past few days I have been filled with profound sadness. I am not sure if it is a result of being reminded of my past failings, or if it is the close of 2014 and feeling like I have accomplished very little, even though I most certainly have!

The situation is... a few years back I had met a wonderful guy, he was a gentleman, working on his education, communicated well... it seemed like he would have been the type of guy that would be good to establish a relationship with. Sadly, my mind was not my own at that time and I was being manipulated and very confused about life, so I ended up not pursuing a relationship with him and falling back into the same abusive pattern with Kyle (are we surprised? Sometimes I still fight the urge to go back to it). Fast-forward three (it might even be 4!) years... and he (the gentleman, not the jerk) sends me a text message saying he has finishing his schooling and has returned to San Diego for a time and would like to see me. I, of course, agree, as I tell myself this might be an opportunity to right my past wrongs and actually explore the opportunity to get to know someone on an adult relationship and quite possible establish one. We chatted a little while, and I went to bed with the understanding that we would make some time to get together.

That was Saturday. Tuesday is halfway over and I haven't heard a word out of him. My resolution for 2015 is to not chase unavailable guys who don't want me, so after not hearing from him for a day I deleted his number and have no way to contact him, which I know may have been a little impulsive, but, it was a way to be able to protect myself from messaging him over and over and proving how pathetic and needy I am. So, haven't heard from him, don't have any way to contact him and have been checking my phone impulsively every 10 minutes to see if he has messaged me. What is wrong with me? A normal person would brush it off as someone being busy or just that person simply double-guessing themselves and realizing it was a mistake and not be interested in more. Whatever, move on. Me, I feel like I am being manipulated and toyed with. Like her purposely got my hopes up and does this to me to get revenge for how I made him feel so many years again... And it hurts. I don't know why it hurts so bad but it does. I guess for a minute I thought I could right and wrong and actually get a chance to experience what I stupidly walked away from so many years ago. Instead, I have this aching feeling in my chest and sadness overwhelming me.

I try not to withdraw into myself too much when I feel like this, but with New Year's Eve approaching tomorrow and trying to convince myself to keep my plans... I just don't want to. I want to go home, curl up and do nothing. Why is it so hard to love yourself enough in this world that you can't just brush things off like this? Why can't I just shrug and go "Oh well, his loss," instead of feeling like the biggest POS on the planet? This, of course, all stems back to my non-existent self-esteem, of course. What a wonderful thing to deal with that is! Why can't there just be some switch to just turn off the bad feelings. Most of the time I am able to maintain a certain level of apathy, but this is bothering me badly for some reason.

I suppose I just need to remember that life continues on, and everything I want to accomplish I can by myself. Just need to get through this and stay positive. Guess that is a good start to 2015... trying my best to love myself, regardless of everything.

Kim

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Dear Granna,

Well, I can't say I have been very adamant about keeping you up-to-date with the goings-on of my life. I suppose every time I have wanted to write I just kept making up excuses as to why I shouldn't. The same story every time, heartbreak, disappointment, nothing much more to say.

2014 has actually not been a bad year, I ended up getting a full time position at the end of 2013 as an Executive Assistant, and surprisingly have not been fired yet, though there have been a few scares due to my own insecurity. I finally got my own place again in the beginning of the year and I can't believe it is almost time to renew my lease again! It is nice to have my own space, not have to worry about picking up after anyone but myself and to be able to decorate it and keep it clean just the way I want it. Not to mention being able to walk around in ratty pajamas and not be embarrassed about it.

It was a good step for me, makes me feel like more of a grown-up, since I had been floundering around it what felt like childhood for so long. I have an adult job, and my own place... seems like things are going in the right direction. Though I still have no luck finding someone to share my life with. Most of the time I am terrified out of my mind that I am being used, and it turns out to be true. Maybe it is because I am creating that whole situation in my head that it actually happens. I even went out of my comfort zone and dated someone who wasn't my type at all, and it turns out even those people can be liars too. Makes me feel as if it is my fate to be alone. Out of all of my siblings, I am the only one who doesn't have SOMEONE to share it with. While there are extreme measures I can take in the future to create my own family, I still hold on to the hope that someday I will find someone who wants to make a family with me. Time is short, however, and I can't wait much longer for the right one to come along. People don't live forever, and I certainly am no exception. As I am beginning to move through my 30s, I have to consider the though of bringing a child into the world before I am too old to do so, and still be able to keep up with them.

It's silly of me, some people are happy with solitude, but I feel like I have so much more to give than just being alone. Maybe that is my lesson in life, to learn to enjoy it alone instead of relying on someone else to make it happy, but it certainly isn't an easy road.

Christmas is upon us tomorrow, and it will be spent with other people in their happiness. Jen with Ryan and the kids, Paul and Khale, Mom and Chris... and then me. Always just me. Hopefully I can make it through the day without the bitterness in my heart bubbling through. The thought of presents does help. A girl can never have too many gifts to make her smile. My Boss surprised me yesterday and gave me a gift, which made me smile. He also included a card with quite a sentimental message that, I daresay, made my heart do a little slip. It is nice when someone expresses emotional attachment to someone even though they rarely show it. Made me smile. If only life was like the movies and he would sweep me off my feet to a life of luxury! It is fun to dream. Perhaps Hollywood has ruined it for all of us. Romance like that only exists in the movies. True love is something people write about because it isn't real. Finding love in general is so, so rare, I am surprised people don't treat each other better when they have it.

So you see, some things have changed, but most things remain the same. The trials and tribulations of my life always come back to the affair of the heart, which is a vile, vile creature. Why haven't we figured out a way to turn it off to prevent us from feeling heartbreak?

I will try to do better at writing more, but I am afraid it is always the same and you will get bored of hearing me complaining. Tell me to pull myself up by the bootstraps and carry on. Can you please make it that simple?

Kim

Friday, August 30, 2013

Dear Granna,

So the big 3-0 is here. Getting here was a mess, being here is a mess. Obviously the goals and milestones I set for myself to reach before hitting this age have not been met. I'm back to feeling like a failure. I look at my life and keep struggling with the fact that I don't have a career, I'm not published, I'm childless, I'm in the process of getting divorced (but did that marriage really count since we didn't actually consumate the marriage?), I don't have my own place... Aren't these the sort of things you should have at least some of by the time you hit my age? Everyone says I am being too hard on myself, but the are the ones who are married and have kids or have careers or their own places... It just feels like they are placating me to try to talk me back off the edge again. I'm standing up here and wondering why I'm even hesitating diving off. It feels like I have nothing. Mom is too busy trying to maintain her destructive relationship, I'm a burden to Jen and it feels like she is purposely keeping her children from me because I don't fit into her "family" ideal. My handful of friends is dwindling, its funny how people disappear when you stop buying things for them and entertaining them. Suddenly when you ask for something in return you're not good enough.

I'm back to feeling like there is a hole in my heart. That I wish I could go back in time to when I was little and grow up with you, so I could learn to be strong and independent and have had someone to rely on, to love me the way I was instead of wanting me to be thinner or better at school or have more friends or be less of a tomboy... Or am I just mistaken in thinking you would have loved me just the way I am? Mom always says you were a cruel mother that had high expectations for her children... but if you had a child that met those expectations would you had to have been cruel? Or would you have treated me differently if you had seen me more than once every couple years and have raised me different after knowing how your children turned out? I feel like if I had a stronger woman role-model I may have turned out differently. I wouldn't be longing for a relationship or children or family, I would be content with myself, I would be stronger, I'd have self-esteem, maybe I'd have done something great with my life.

The 'what-ifs' are a misery, aren't they? I think the only sad thing I would experience if I lived a different life is I wouldn't have my dog. But I think she would forgive me for all of the other things I may have accomplished given a different life.

I'm trying to write, desperately trying. Some nights I can't stop the words from flowing, other days I stare at the flashing text bar on the screen and nothing comes out. Right now I'm in a slump.

I've been reminded again how meaningless I am to Jen and how she doesn't even care to understand why it is so important for me to be involved with my nephews. What if they are the only babies I'll ever have? What if watching them grow up is the closest I get to being a mother? I don't even know if I can have kids, and even if I can I am severely lacking in the money/sperm-donor department to provide my kid with a good life. Am I the one who is being selfish here? Or is she? I know she has a right to live her own life, but to make your sister feel like she means nothing over and over and over... I guess it comes down to being my fault for going back every time to receive the same punishment. I'm like the kid who keeps touching the hot oven even though my hand is covered in scars. Why do I try so hard when obviously I just don't matter?

Living with a broken/empty heart is about the most painful thing that I can imagine. Living with a brain that constantly whispers in your mind that you're not worth being alive is hard too. Combine those two things and I find it hard to find drive and purpose. I was strong a month ago, I'm weak again now, and I don't know what to do to be strong again. People abandon me and I'm floating alone on a sinking ship. Who am I supposed to grab onto or turn to when I'm the one trying to drown myself? How do people who have it worse off go through each day with a smile while I sit at my desk and sob uncontrollably? Why can't my brain and heart just work the way they are supposed to instead of like shit? Don't even ask me about faith or tell me to find Jesus. I tried that. That just made me realize how stupid people can really be. Maybe someday I'll tell you my theory on religion and Jesus and God. If there even is such a thing.

So, right now I am trying to convince myself to keep taking one breath at a time. To stop longing for the life I could have had spent with you. To stop regretting the time I didn't get with you. I wish I could stop missing you. I wish the hole in my heart could fill up but unless you plan on coming back or they get the internet in the afterlife, I'm pretty much screwed in that department, aren't I? Knowing my luck you've reincarnated into baby Flynn and I'll never be able to have a relationship with you again anyway. Because the universe finds humor in making me suffer.

Just keep breathing, right?

Kim

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Dear Granna,

It has been a couple months since I have written. Needless to say there have been moments of joy followed by grief and disappointment. Impulsive decisions have made me realize that life never turns out the way we plan it. Something that I have realized though is that there is very little you can control in this life. Another thing that I have found out is I don't want people to rely on me to be whole. I don't want to be the person who has to hold someone's hand and guide them when wanting to do more with your life should be something that is just inside you. You can't make people want to do more, you can't make people want to be better. People. Don't. Change. No matter how you try to help them, scream at them, bribe them... People are who they are -- settling for someone because you think they can change certainly is not the best course of action.

I've made a mistake. I'm rectifying said mistake today and preparing to move on with my life. I’ve realized that I need to be whole, comfortable with myself before I can even hope to be in any sort of romantic situation with anyone. Searching for someone to “save” me, to take me away from the hole that I’ve dug for myself… that’s the wrong path. Realizing this has been enlightening, but also daunting. Being alone has never really been something that I’ve been comfortable with. Feeling like I may never be in love again or have children someday terrifies me, but at the same time it is not quite as horrible as I thought. If those things stop being my driving force, if I focus my energy on something else… maybe I can accomplish more. Maybe I can find what really gives me passion. Find a career, get my life in order…everything after that might just be a bonus.

Is that what hope feels like? Feeling like things aren’t going to turn out as bad as I have imagined they are?

I don’t know. I’m trying to write again. Trying to get more ideas on paper and get the writer’s block out of my head so I can at least accomplish the one thing I have set out to do in my life and that is tell my stories. They clang around in my head non-stop, if I just put them down on paper, see how they are shaping, it might motivate me to keep going. I just need to keep going.

I’ll make it through. That’s the one thing I’ve always been good at is making it through. Though, the next time Mom tells me you would be disappointed in me because of the decisions I’ve made and the path that I’ve chosen… do I have your permission to slap her? Granted, she did know you a little differently than I did, but inside I really feel like through all the struggles and hardships and bad decisions I’ve made, you wouldn’t be disappointed. You would be proud that I turned out so strong. You’d be proud that I’ve learned to listen to me, instead of what everyone else tells me. You might even compare me to you, even just a little bit. And that brings me comfort.

I’ll write again soon, I promise.

Kim

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dear Granna,

It's been a while. The absence I have been feeling lately has been almost too much to bear... Just watching my life passing me by and not having accomplished anything that I had hope to by now... I look back at all of my mistakes, my hopes, my disappointments and very few triumphs. Should I really let turning 30 effect me the way it has? I've never been married, I don't have a semblance of a stable relationship, I have no kids, I'm working a temp job, I still live in the same place... I'm just so disappointed in myself. When I was in college I had all sorts of hopes and dreams, I was in love, I was writing, doing well on my own... And now? Now I just feel like I have nothing to contribute to this world. My muse has run dry, my heart is an empty husk of what it used to be because of being hurt so many times, I don't have a career or a family, I have very few friends I can rely on and my mental state continues to deteriorate.

My therapist tells me to be more positive, to stop preparing for the worst case scenario, but that is all I know how to do. If positive things happened to me I would be more positive. She says that I just view positive things as negative and just have to learn to live in the moment. I'd love to live in the moment in a marijuana induced high while stuffing oreos into my face, but apparently using drugs is just another crutch, and I can't eat oreos because I'm afraid of getting fatter than I already am, and thus continuing to diminish my chances of finding someone who would be stupid enough to marry me.

What am I doing wrong? How did you do it? How did you survive a world who looked down on you and said you did everything wrong? You were so strong. Strong enough to not need anyone to help you, even until you died you still were refusing help. Your genes are in me... so why can't I just be strong and just accept things the way they are? Accept that maybe it's not in the cards for me to get married and have kids... Accept that my family is dysfunctional and trying to find some normalcy in it is just pathetic. Accept that my heart is in shambles and it may very well never heal again... Instead of trying so hard, fighting to swim upstream.

Accept the nothingness that I have become.

Wishing you were here to guide me,

Kim