Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Dear Granna,

It has been a couple months since I have written. Needless to say there have been moments of joy followed by grief and disappointment. Impulsive decisions have made me realize that life never turns out the way we plan it. Something that I have realized though is that there is very little you can control in this life. Another thing that I have found out is I don't want people to rely on me to be whole. I don't want to be the person who has to hold someone's hand and guide them when wanting to do more with your life should be something that is just inside you. You can't make people want to do more, you can't make people want to be better. People. Don't. Change. No matter how you try to help them, scream at them, bribe them... People are who they are -- settling for someone because you think they can change certainly is not the best course of action.

I've made a mistake. I'm rectifying said mistake today and preparing to move on with my life. I’ve realized that I need to be whole, comfortable with myself before I can even hope to be in any sort of romantic situation with anyone. Searching for someone to “save” me, to take me away from the hole that I’ve dug for myself… that’s the wrong path. Realizing this has been enlightening, but also daunting. Being alone has never really been something that I’ve been comfortable with. Feeling like I may never be in love again or have children someday terrifies me, but at the same time it is not quite as horrible as I thought. If those things stop being my driving force, if I focus my energy on something else… maybe I can accomplish more. Maybe I can find what really gives me passion. Find a career, get my life in order…everything after that might just be a bonus.

Is that what hope feels like? Feeling like things aren’t going to turn out as bad as I have imagined they are?

I don’t know. I’m trying to write again. Trying to get more ideas on paper and get the writer’s block out of my head so I can at least accomplish the one thing I have set out to do in my life and that is tell my stories. They clang around in my head non-stop, if I just put them down on paper, see how they are shaping, it might motivate me to keep going. I just need to keep going.

I’ll make it through. That’s the one thing I’ve always been good at is making it through. Though, the next time Mom tells me you would be disappointed in me because of the decisions I’ve made and the path that I’ve chosen… do I have your permission to slap her? Granted, she did know you a little differently than I did, but inside I really feel like through all the struggles and hardships and bad decisions I’ve made, you wouldn’t be disappointed. You would be proud that I turned out so strong. You’d be proud that I’ve learned to listen to me, instead of what everyone else tells me. You might even compare me to you, even just a little bit. And that brings me comfort.

I’ll write again soon, I promise.

Kim