Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Dear Granna,

I haven't been keeping up with writing and for that I am sorry. There are so many things that I want to say, but I just don't have the time to sit down and say them. I am sure you already know what I am doing since I'm terribly predictable. I keep trying to move on, but somehow I keep getting drawn back in. We go to family events, sporting events, theme parks, I spend most of my time on the weekends with him, and yet he still can't even admit that in the depths of his heart there might be something there. Or maybe there isn't. But when you wake up in someone's arms and they ask you if you really have to go, and he pulls you back into a tighter embrace, it becomes very doubtful that there isn't something there.

But I keep trucking along. I keep trying to protect my heart and keep myself busy. If something happens, great, if not, I am enjoying the time I have now, because you never know when it will be your time to go. That's all we can do, right?

My path is blurred in front of me again, I don't know which direction I want to go anymore. I can't afford, nor do I feel like I would do well in Law School. I just feel like with all the corruption in the world of attorneys I would end up developing even more of a hatred for them than anything else. My paralegal program is done this semester and then it is back to school for something else I'm sure. I wish I could find a career, something where I could pay my bills and know that I could be going somewhere.

Or if I could just find my muse again... finish any one of my books and have that under my belt, maybe things would be easier. But every time I sit down to write nothing comes out. There are so many things I want to escape from, but how do I do it?

Other than that, it is more of the same. Waiting. Wanting. Hoping. That's life.

Kim