Dear Granna,
Tomorrow is the big day. I can't help but embrace the butterflies I have in my stomach right now -- I am so excited about this trip it is not even funny. Everyone keeps asking me if I am scared about this trip and in truth I am not. Not even the slightest bit scared, I am actually very confident that the trip is going to go well and we will be great friends. If we don't take it beyond friendship, I am content with that because he is a good person, but I can't lie and say I don't hope we do move beyond friendship on this trip. It is funny how someone out of the blue can change your entire perspective on life and love. A few months back I was hurting and hiding from love, swearing I would never get into it again because I deserved to be alone, and now I am ready for it. I am ready for the leap of faith because I know that I am lovable and deserve to be loved.
I am a good person. That is all that matters. No matter what people have said about me, to me, behind me...I know inside that I am a good person. And no one can take that away from me. It is true I may be difficult at times, and often my opinions may cause people to look at me like I am an arrogant sod, but I really have the best intentions for everyone. I just want to help. Sometimes I just don't know how to come across without seeming like I am a control freak...but that is just my personality, and if people can see past that and see who I really am inside, then that is when they will be blessed with a strong friendship with me for life. The people around me now love and support me and try to help me grow and it makes me realize how I was lacking that sort of inspiration and support these past few years. I want to be a better person and I work very hard to try to be.
Regardless, I leave tomorrow afternoon and land in San Antonio shortly before Midnight. It is going to be quite an adventure trying to find my way through the airport and picking him out of a crowd, but I think fate is going to guide me right where I need to be. If nothing else, the lesson in all of this is it is okay to take risks, if you don't, you'll never know what you are missing...and if you do, you may experience something so much more powerful than you could have ever imagined. And if I get murdered in Texas, well, then I guess my lesson is to not trust in everyone I think I know...but I highly doubt that will be the case.
Kim
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Dear Granna,
Seven Days, Granna, Seven. Until I am on that plane. My heart is absolutely aflutter when I think about it. I go between periods of extreme excitment, then I get nauseous because I am so nervous. I can't believe this is really happening...that I'm taking the first big leap towards something that could change my life. Whether or not he is the one, it doesn't make this any less important to me because this is just a sign that I am ready to be out there again, I am ready to move on and embrace love that comes my way. It is scary, but necessary. I am taking control of my own fate and my own destiny. Grabbing the bull by the horns, as it were.
Now I just have to figure out what to do when I get there. I think we are both going to be so overwhelmed that we wont know what to do...that is what makes me look forward to this! Right now just thinking about it my heart is pounding. What an adventure.
I just can't believe how brave and strong I have become in the months that have passed. Maybe I'm becoming a little more like you every day.
Kim
Seven Days, Granna, Seven. Until I am on that plane. My heart is absolutely aflutter when I think about it. I go between periods of extreme excitment, then I get nauseous because I am so nervous. I can't believe this is really happening...that I'm taking the first big leap towards something that could change my life. Whether or not he is the one, it doesn't make this any less important to me because this is just a sign that I am ready to be out there again, I am ready to move on and embrace love that comes my way. It is scary, but necessary. I am taking control of my own fate and my own destiny. Grabbing the bull by the horns, as it were.
Now I just have to figure out what to do when I get there. I think we are both going to be so overwhelmed that we wont know what to do...that is what makes me look forward to this! Right now just thinking about it my heart is pounding. What an adventure.
I just can't believe how brave and strong I have become in the months that have passed. Maybe I'm becoming a little more like you every day.
Kim
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Dear Granna,
I am starting to get nervous about my trip. For the longest time it was just idle chatter, and we would joke about me going out to Texas. And now it is becoming a reality. I'm actually going to get on a plane and go to a strange place to meet someone. The rational part of me is telling me I am crazy. I might end up stranded or murdered or something, the brave part of me is telling me to just go for it...that I'll never know what I am missing until I am out there experiencing it. Nothing like a huge leap to really make you wonder. Why did it take me so long to find this strength to take risks? Was I so comfortable in my misery that I just couldn't end it? Or did I really love Nick enough to try to tough it out until the very end? I guess I am thinking more about the end of the relationship because while I was away...I thought a lot about him and I was going to come back and we were going to be us again. Little did I know, there was no "us" to come back to.
Is there an "us" in Texas, I wonder? Or is it a pipe dream and I am just grasping at the fantasy because I know I deserve to be loved just as much as the next broad? I guess we'll see what happens in nine days.
Another thing that is scary is all the "What-Ifs"...what if he doesn't like me? What if he does? What are we going to do then? I know I should just live for the moment and enjoy the time I have, but the thought of falling in love and getting hurt again makes me hesitate. I don't want to hurt like that again, but I do, you know? My counselor says I seem like I am mentally ready to go out and date and meet new people again, but I don't know. Some days I am, some days I'm not. It leaves me wondering what really is going to happen. Lots of wondering. Hoping to find some answers soon.
I'm getting on that plane.
Kim
I am starting to get nervous about my trip. For the longest time it was just idle chatter, and we would joke about me going out to Texas. And now it is becoming a reality. I'm actually going to get on a plane and go to a strange place to meet someone. The rational part of me is telling me I am crazy. I might end up stranded or murdered or something, the brave part of me is telling me to just go for it...that I'll never know what I am missing until I am out there experiencing it. Nothing like a huge leap to really make you wonder. Why did it take me so long to find this strength to take risks? Was I so comfortable in my misery that I just couldn't end it? Or did I really love Nick enough to try to tough it out until the very end? I guess I am thinking more about the end of the relationship because while I was away...I thought a lot about him and I was going to come back and we were going to be us again. Little did I know, there was no "us" to come back to.
Is there an "us" in Texas, I wonder? Or is it a pipe dream and I am just grasping at the fantasy because I know I deserve to be loved just as much as the next broad? I guess we'll see what happens in nine days.
Another thing that is scary is all the "What-Ifs"...what if he doesn't like me? What if he does? What are we going to do then? I know I should just live for the moment and enjoy the time I have, but the thought of falling in love and getting hurt again makes me hesitate. I don't want to hurt like that again, but I do, you know? My counselor says I seem like I am mentally ready to go out and date and meet new people again, but I don't know. Some days I am, some days I'm not. It leaves me wondering what really is going to happen. Lots of wondering. Hoping to find some answers soon.
I'm getting on that plane.
Kim
Friday, February 15, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Dear Granna,
Another couple weeks have passed and I am moving in leaps and bounds in life. I started taking my Paralegal courses once again and I am really enjoying them. I look forward to finishing the program and taking that next step in my career and hopefully moving on to being an Attorney someday. If nothing else, at least I am doing something that I really enjoy right now.
February is halfway over. My trip in March has been moved up to two weeks from today and I am beyond excited. A chance to meet a new friend, a chance to see a part of the world I never though I would want to see...maybe I chance to be loved is there, too. It is very exciting. I don't feel nervous at all. I feel liberated and free. I feel powerful and confident. It is such a good feeling.
You know how I had been seeing a counselor for a long time to help me deal with the grief of losing my best friend? It seems after closing the door I was able to heal so much quicker. This week she told me that I have made so much progress and I am doing so well...and we actually have pushed out our appointments to once every 4-6 weeks...which means she has faith in me that I have made it through the hard times and become so strong that I can deal with them on my own. Don't get me wrong, there are hard days, but in the grand scheme of things I am feeling whole again. It is a funny feeling...not having to depend on anyone for my happiness but me. I like living on my own, I enjoy having the freedom to pick and choose...I am so strong now it is overwhelming. And I don't look back.
I don't want to look back.
The past is the past. The future is in front of me and in my reach. The road may be hard, but it is MY road that I will travel. It is MY dream that I am chasing now. No one elses. If there is one thing out of all of this that I have learned is to take care of me first. Never put my dreams aside for anyone...find someone who can support them, just like I can support their dreams. They are out there somewhere. Maybe I will find him, maybe I wont. But I am willing to look. I know I am capable of great love and being loved and I am not afraid of it anymore.
Kim
Another couple weeks have passed and I am moving in leaps and bounds in life. I started taking my Paralegal courses once again and I am really enjoying them. I look forward to finishing the program and taking that next step in my career and hopefully moving on to being an Attorney someday. If nothing else, at least I am doing something that I really enjoy right now.
February is halfway over. My trip in March has been moved up to two weeks from today and I am beyond excited. A chance to meet a new friend, a chance to see a part of the world I never though I would want to see...maybe I chance to be loved is there, too. It is very exciting. I don't feel nervous at all. I feel liberated and free. I feel powerful and confident. It is such a good feeling.
You know how I had been seeing a counselor for a long time to help me deal with the grief of losing my best friend? It seems after closing the door I was able to heal so much quicker. This week she told me that I have made so much progress and I am doing so well...and we actually have pushed out our appointments to once every 4-6 weeks...which means she has faith in me that I have made it through the hard times and become so strong that I can deal with them on my own. Don't get me wrong, there are hard days, but in the grand scheme of things I am feeling whole again. It is a funny feeling...not having to depend on anyone for my happiness but me. I like living on my own, I enjoy having the freedom to pick and choose...I am so strong now it is overwhelming. And I don't look back.
I don't want to look back.
The past is the past. The future is in front of me and in my reach. The road may be hard, but it is MY road that I will travel. It is MY dream that I am chasing now. No one elses. If there is one thing out of all of this that I have learned is to take care of me first. Never put my dreams aside for anyone...find someone who can support them, just like I can support their dreams. They are out there somewhere. Maybe I will find him, maybe I wont. But I am willing to look. I know I am capable of great love and being loved and I am not afraid of it anymore.
Kim
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