Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Dear Granna,

I am starting to get nervous about my trip. For the longest time it was just idle chatter, and we would joke about me going out to Texas. And now it is becoming a reality. I'm actually going to get on a plane and go to a strange place to meet someone. The rational part of me is telling me I am crazy. I might end up stranded or murdered or something, the brave part of me is telling me to just go for it...that I'll never know what I am missing until I am out there experiencing it. Nothing like a huge leap to really make you wonder. Why did it take me so long to find this strength to take risks? Was I so comfortable in my misery that I just couldn't end it? Or did I really love Nick enough to try to tough it out until the very end? I guess I am thinking more about the end of the relationship because while I was away...I thought a lot about him and I was going to come back and we were going to be us again. Little did I know, there was no "us" to come back to.

Is there an "us" in Texas, I wonder? Or is it a pipe dream and I am just grasping at the fantasy because I know I deserve to be loved just as much as the next broad? I guess we'll see what happens in nine days.

Another thing that is scary is all the "What-Ifs"...what if he doesn't like me? What if he does? What are we going to do then? I know I should just live for the moment and enjoy the time I have, but the thought of falling in love and getting hurt again makes me hesitate. I don't want to hurt like that again, but I do, you know? My counselor says I seem like I am mentally ready to go out and date and meet new people again, but I don't know. Some days I am, some days I'm not. It leaves me wondering what really is going to happen. Lots of wondering. Hoping to find some answers soon.

I'm getting on that plane.

Kim