Dear Granna,
Last night I signed a one year lease on my dream apartment. It is such a relief to have found a place I can call my own. I am going to move in the middle of the month. The only scary thing is packing and moving, but being in a new place is exciting! I can't wait to decorate and start buying matching furniture. I think I might stay in this place for a while. A year at least! If not longer. That way I have a place to live while I'm finishing up my Paralegal Certification. And if I get into Law School in San Diego, then I'll still have a good place to live. Look at me, I'm already thinking it is going to be a great place. What if there is a problem? I don't think there will be...but I get worried. My sister keeps telling me about all the crimes that happen in the area, but at the same time...there is crime everywhere anyway, I just have to make sure I am not a victim.
Coming up with the money for a deposit was fun. I had to put it on two different credit cards, but once I get the deposit back from my current place, I should be able to pay off the debt. Also will be getting some good money back from tax time, and supposedly I get a Christmas bonus, so it will all work out in the end. Hopefully I will be able to pull together enough money to get everyone little Christmas gifts, though I have to admit, I am going to miss your gift to me this year. You always gave me the best stuff. Another year without you is not any easier. Mom is going to be out of town too, so I am going to spend it with some friends, it is just not the same. It seems like Mom has been copping out of holidays with us for as long as I can remember. Even when we were little she sent us to Dad's house so she could go elsewhere. Will she ever come around and actually want to be with us on the holidays? My therapist says I have to stop wanting her to be a Mom and just realize that is who she is. Doesn't make it any easier now. It's why I miss you so much. You filled that Mom void...
I better get back to work.
Kim
Friday, November 30, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Dear Granna,
I can't believe November is almost over already. It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in the New Year and now it is almost gone. This coming year is going to have so many changes, I don't think I am going to know what to do with myself. Today I am waiting to hear back from my dream house...every time I think of it, it is warm and welcoming and I can't wait to make it my own. As soon as I hear back from the Landlady, I can finally put my notice in on my current place and start packing and get ready to move out. There is nothing more that I want right now than to move on. Right now I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about the future, as to before where I would be filled with dread and fear and didn't want to face it. But I am strong, and I can do this. The wheel is starting to turn and life is starting to look good for the first time in as long as I can remember. Some things are scary, but it is a good fear.
The fog in my mind is starting to lift and I'm finally starting to feel like me again.
Kim
I can't believe November is almost over already. It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in the New Year and now it is almost gone. This coming year is going to have so many changes, I don't think I am going to know what to do with myself. Today I am waiting to hear back from my dream house...every time I think of it, it is warm and welcoming and I can't wait to make it my own. As soon as I hear back from the Landlady, I can finally put my notice in on my current place and start packing and get ready to move out. There is nothing more that I want right now than to move on. Right now I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about the future, as to before where I would be filled with dread and fear and didn't want to face it. But I am strong, and I can do this. The wheel is starting to turn and life is starting to look good for the first time in as long as I can remember. Some things are scary, but it is a good fear.
The fog in my mind is starting to lift and I'm finally starting to feel like me again.
Kim
Monday, November 19, 2007
November 19, 2007
Dear Granna,
Over the weekend I dug down deep and pulled out all of the strength I could and told the dirtbag who keeps breaking my heart that I wont be his doormat anymore. I told him that I put entirely too much effort into trying to be good enough for him and no matter how hard I tried, I always end up feeling like shit around him and he was the only person in the world who has ever made me feel like that. And it has to stop. Basically I will not be around someone who treats me like I have no value. If he wants me in his life, he is going to have to make the effort. Beyond that, I'm not going to call him or talk to him unless he initiates. It doesn't hurt right now, either. Even though he is not talking to me, I am not hurting. Because I am worth so much more. I deserve to be with people who want to be around me. And it is his loss that he thinks it is okay to treat me poorly, because I wont have it anymore.
I am glad I finally got to this point and shoved back for a change. I spend too much time taking a beating and never standing up for myself. It feels good. I feel strong, empowered. There is not going to be any compromising to make him happy. It should not have to be that way. Why should I have to bend over backwords to please him, when he should be trying to please me? That is the way it is going to be. So help me. I will stay strong. Because I am a good person and I deserve to be treated as such. Not like some whore that can be used and pitched aside and walked on when he is feeling malicious. Oh no. Not anymore.
I had a pretty good weekend. I came to that revelation on Saturday, then Saturday night I stayed home alone and played on my computer. Sunday I met up with a really nice man and we spend the whole day together and I really felt important and wanted, you know? So it is good to know where are...well...good guys out there. Right now I am content. I don't know why, I just am. I know that there are people out there who will treat me like I deserve to be treated. I deserve to be happy, not to be miserable. And maybe I will find it sooner than I think, huh?
Kim
Over the weekend I dug down deep and pulled out all of the strength I could and told the dirtbag who keeps breaking my heart that I wont be his doormat anymore. I told him that I put entirely too much effort into trying to be good enough for him and no matter how hard I tried, I always end up feeling like shit around him and he was the only person in the world who has ever made me feel like that. And it has to stop. Basically I will not be around someone who treats me like I have no value. If he wants me in his life, he is going to have to make the effort. Beyond that, I'm not going to call him or talk to him unless he initiates. It doesn't hurt right now, either. Even though he is not talking to me, I am not hurting. Because I am worth so much more. I deserve to be with people who want to be around me. And it is his loss that he thinks it is okay to treat me poorly, because I wont have it anymore.
I am glad I finally got to this point and shoved back for a change. I spend too much time taking a beating and never standing up for myself. It feels good. I feel strong, empowered. There is not going to be any compromising to make him happy. It should not have to be that way. Why should I have to bend over backwords to please him, when he should be trying to please me? That is the way it is going to be. So help me. I will stay strong. Because I am a good person and I deserve to be treated as such. Not like some whore that can be used and pitched aside and walked on when he is feeling malicious. Oh no. Not anymore.
I had a pretty good weekend. I came to that revelation on Saturday, then Saturday night I stayed home alone and played on my computer. Sunday I met up with a really nice man and we spend the whole day together and I really felt important and wanted, you know? So it is good to know where are...well...good guys out there. Right now I am content. I don't know why, I just am. I know that there are people out there who will treat me like I deserve to be treated. I deserve to be happy, not to be miserable. And maybe I will find it sooner than I think, huh?
Kim
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Thursday, November 14, 2007
Dear Granna,
It is getting harder. I thought it would get easier, but every time I think about what I had it only burns in my chest more. Will this feeling ever go away? Will I ever be whole again like I was? I am trying my best to just move on, but so far I have been struggling. Wanting to make things right. Wanting to prove to myself that I am not the one that failed...because that is all I feel like - a failure. I wish I could grab onto the anger I feel of being hurt and betrayed and left alone, but somehow I always hold onto the sadness. Maybe I feel better feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I just don't like myself when I am angry. I know that I can make it through this, but the wound is still so fresh...
So far my search for a new place to live has brought up nothing. I have seen a few, but none of them felt like home - except for one. When I went into it I instantly felt at peace and knew that if I could have it, I would. So I said I wanted it. It has been two days and I have not heard anything from the landlord or anyone else. I know this is all a lesson in patience, but when you are so eager to move on with your life, who has patience? I wish I didn't have this feeling of dread in my stomach that I will not actually get this place...because the feeling I had when I was in it...and getting my hopes up...it's all going to be for nothing, right? I guess by the end of the week if I don't hear anything back, I'll give a call again and let them know I am looking for another place. Only because I can't be strung along and have my hopes up for nothing.
Aside from that, I am trying to adjust to being alone. My house is clean, my dog is happy, but my glass is always half empty. The only time I feel whole again is when I am out with friends, but why do I have to have people to feel that way? Why can't I satisfy myself? I guess it is just going to take some time to look inward and find out why I feel the need for other people to make me feel complete.
Lets not even go into the bastard who takes advantage of me and then hurts me repeatedly for his own sick pleasure. Sometimes I really think he enjoys to hurt me so he can show what power he has over me. But the more I am exposed to it, the stronger I get, right? And the easier it will be to just walk away? I am trying my best, but I wont deny that there will always be that part of me inside that wants him to love me. Maybe it is just because I know that he wont, so it is easy to want what can exist. Gives me purpose. Something to fight for. I don't think I have the strength to fight for it anymore. He is not good for me. I know it. Everyone around me knows it. I just don't know why I can't walk away. It will get easier soon, I hope.
There is another man now. Nothing more than friendship at present, but he makes me feel like there are good guys out there that wont hurt me. Then again, we always get hurt, don't we? So I am keeping this wall around my heart and hesitating, and it is going to be horrible if I let him pass me by and he really is the type of person I need. Who knows anymore. I don't know. My whole life is just a bundle of mixed up emotions and hopes and sorrows...I just wish they would all go away.
Need to be strong, right?
Kim
It is getting harder. I thought it would get easier, but every time I think about what I had it only burns in my chest more. Will this feeling ever go away? Will I ever be whole again like I was? I am trying my best to just move on, but so far I have been struggling. Wanting to make things right. Wanting to prove to myself that I am not the one that failed...because that is all I feel like - a failure. I wish I could grab onto the anger I feel of being hurt and betrayed and left alone, but somehow I always hold onto the sadness. Maybe I feel better feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I just don't like myself when I am angry. I know that I can make it through this, but the wound is still so fresh...
So far my search for a new place to live has brought up nothing. I have seen a few, but none of them felt like home - except for one. When I went into it I instantly felt at peace and knew that if I could have it, I would. So I said I wanted it. It has been two days and I have not heard anything from the landlord or anyone else. I know this is all a lesson in patience, but when you are so eager to move on with your life, who has patience? I wish I didn't have this feeling of dread in my stomach that I will not actually get this place...because the feeling I had when I was in it...and getting my hopes up...it's all going to be for nothing, right? I guess by the end of the week if I don't hear anything back, I'll give a call again and let them know I am looking for another place. Only because I can't be strung along and have my hopes up for nothing.
Aside from that, I am trying to adjust to being alone. My house is clean, my dog is happy, but my glass is always half empty. The only time I feel whole again is when I am out with friends, but why do I have to have people to feel that way? Why can't I satisfy myself? I guess it is just going to take some time to look inward and find out why I feel the need for other people to make me feel complete.
Lets not even go into the bastard who takes advantage of me and then hurts me repeatedly for his own sick pleasure. Sometimes I really think he enjoys to hurt me so he can show what power he has over me. But the more I am exposed to it, the stronger I get, right? And the easier it will be to just walk away? I am trying my best, but I wont deny that there will always be that part of me inside that wants him to love me. Maybe it is just because I know that he wont, so it is easy to want what can exist. Gives me purpose. Something to fight for. I don't think I have the strength to fight for it anymore. He is not good for me. I know it. Everyone around me knows it. I just don't know why I can't walk away. It will get easier soon, I hope.
There is another man now. Nothing more than friendship at present, but he makes me feel like there are good guys out there that wont hurt me. Then again, we always get hurt, don't we? So I am keeping this wall around my heart and hesitating, and it is going to be horrible if I let him pass me by and he really is the type of person I need. Who knows anymore. I don't know. My whole life is just a bundle of mixed up emotions and hopes and sorrows...I just wish they would all go away.
Need to be strong, right?
Kim
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
November 7, 2008
Dear Granna,
It has been some time since I have written last and so much has happened since then. I have made some stupid mistakes and paid the price, and right now I am suffering for them. I have been left alone. The person who I thought would always be there for me has abandoned me, and there is nothing left inside me or my home. So I am looking for a new place to call home, looking for new strength to carry on and hoping that I can make it through. There have been some times when I thought that I couldn’t, and it frightened me. Where I always thought that it would just be better to disappear and no one would have to worry about me anymore, but I just can’t do that. I don’t want to leave this life without leaving a mark on the world, you know? Someone has to know my name. I have to do something great before I go. Do you think I will be able to do that?
So this afternoon I am going to look at my own apartment. All of the change that has been happening lately really is leading me towards a new path and a new life. I suppose in my heart of hearts I wanted to have the slate wiped clean, but I didn’t think it would all happen at once. You just have to go with it, right? Please show me what I need to do to be strong. I am wavering in between weakness and helplessness and that just isn’t who I am. I will make it through this, right?
As for the man who always breaks my heart, I fear things have taken a turn for the worst. Somehow I keep ending up in his bed and every time I kick myself afterwards. I don’t want to be in love with him. I can’t. I wont. Only because he will never feel the same and he will only hurt me. So why do I keep falling prey to him? Or this time around am I the one using him? I wish that was true. Right now my heart is numb. The relationship I had before really slammed closed and I don’t want to open up to anyone anymore. So is it safe to keep making the same mistake now that I am single? It doesn’t make any sense anymore. I don’t make any sense.
Hopefully I will get this all sorted out.
Kim
It has been some time since I have written last and so much has happened since then. I have made some stupid mistakes and paid the price, and right now I am suffering for them. I have been left alone. The person who I thought would always be there for me has abandoned me, and there is nothing left inside me or my home. So I am looking for a new place to call home, looking for new strength to carry on and hoping that I can make it through. There have been some times when I thought that I couldn’t, and it frightened me. Where I always thought that it would just be better to disappear and no one would have to worry about me anymore, but I just can’t do that. I don’t want to leave this life without leaving a mark on the world, you know? Someone has to know my name. I have to do something great before I go. Do you think I will be able to do that?
So this afternoon I am going to look at my own apartment. All of the change that has been happening lately really is leading me towards a new path and a new life. I suppose in my heart of hearts I wanted to have the slate wiped clean, but I didn’t think it would all happen at once. You just have to go with it, right? Please show me what I need to do to be strong. I am wavering in between weakness and helplessness and that just isn’t who I am. I will make it through this, right?
As for the man who always breaks my heart, I fear things have taken a turn for the worst. Somehow I keep ending up in his bed and every time I kick myself afterwards. I don’t want to be in love with him. I can’t. I wont. Only because he will never feel the same and he will only hurt me. So why do I keep falling prey to him? Or this time around am I the one using him? I wish that was true. Right now my heart is numb. The relationship I had before really slammed closed and I don’t want to open up to anyone anymore. So is it safe to keep making the same mistake now that I am single? It doesn’t make any sense anymore. I don’t make any sense.
Hopefully I will get this all sorted out.
Kim
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)