November 19, 2007

Dear Granna,

Over the weekend I dug down deep and pulled out all of the strength I could and told the dirtbag who keeps breaking my heart that I wont be his doormat anymore. I told him that I put entirely too much effort into trying to be good enough for him and no matter how hard I tried, I always end up feeling like shit around him and he was the only person in the world who has ever made me feel like that. And it has to stop. Basically I will not be around someone who treats me like I have no value. If he wants me in his life, he is going to have to make the effort. Beyond that, I'm not going to call him or talk to him unless he initiates. It doesn't hurt right now, either. Even though he is not talking to me, I am not hurting. Because I am worth so much more. I deserve to be with people who want to be around me. And it is his loss that he thinks it is okay to treat me poorly, because I wont have it anymore.

I am glad I finally got to this point and shoved back for a change. I spend too much time taking a beating and never standing up for myself. It feels good. I feel strong, empowered. There is not going to be any compromising to make him happy. It should not have to be that way. Why should I have to bend over backwords to please him, when he should be trying to please me? That is the way it is going to be. So help me. I will stay strong. Because I am a good person and I deserve to be treated as such. Not like some whore that can be used and pitched aside and walked on when he is feeling malicious. Oh no. Not anymore.

I had a pretty good weekend. I came to that revelation on Saturday, then Saturday night I stayed home alone and played on my computer. Sunday I met up with a really nice man and we spend the whole day together and I really felt important and wanted, you know? So it is good to know where are...well...good guys out there. Right now I am content. I don't know why, I just am. I know that there are people out there who will treat me like I deserve to be treated. I deserve to be happy, not to be miserable. And maybe I will find it sooner than I think, huh?

Kim