Thursday, May 29, 2008

Dear Granna,

We're going to have a "talk" the next time we see each other. This morning I confessed that I had been developing strong feelings for him and was trying to sort through them. He said we should sit down and talk and maybe that will help. How am I supposed to know what the means? After prodding him for information, asking him how I should prepare myself emotionally, he responded:

"Well, I don't really know, I don't think it's either good or bad, it's just getting a handle on where we are."

Is he just trying to spare my feelings? Already when I think about it I can feel my stomach tie itself in knots and I wonder what is going to happen. The bliss that I've felt with him this past month is now replaced with an insane fear of it being over. The biggest problem is, if he just wants to continue to date casually for a while, I don't know if I can do that. I want a future. I want someone to share my life with, with long term potential. Not someone who is just thinking in temporary terms. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised, but I am definitely going to prepare for the worst here. My heart is fragile, and I have given it away too soon. I need to be strong and remember that if he chooses to not have me in his life it is his loss, not mine.

I didn't mean to bring up the serious talk so soon. It has only been a month, but I can't sit around and wonder what is going to happen anymore. I can't wonder if he cares about me like I care about him. I want to be up front and honest and just get it all on the table so that I know the hand I'm being dealt.

Don't know when I'm going to see him again. Next week probably. But I am dreading it.

Kim

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Dear Granna,

I am so torn right now. Trying to figure out if I can let myself go down this path of falling in love all over again, or if I should keep fighting it and look at our whole relationship objectively and just keep treating it like it is temporary. Is it the fear of being hurt that is causing me to pull away right now?

He says I worry too much. I believe him. Every time I say something I worry that I will offend him in some way to drive him away. I'm waiting for that day when he takes me by the hands, looks me in the eyes and tells me it is over. Why do I have to be so scared? How come I can't just stay happy?

We had such a wonderful weekend. Watched the sunset on Sunday evening, I made him dinner, we relaxed on the couch and watched the movie...we stayed up pretty late...so Monday we slept in. Our beach plans were dashed because the weather was horrible, but, we made the best of it...napping on the couch, our bodies tangled together, and it was so peaceful. He took me out to dinner near his place that night and we walked along the beach and talked. When we got back to his house I rubbed his back until he was alseep and let myself out.

Last night I went up with the intention of only seeing him briefly and ended up staying until almost midnight. We hung out with his roommate and played video games, chatted, had a good time. Afterwards, when we were both laying in his bed, our hearts racing in unison, I looked up at him and smiled...but couldn't bring myself to fall asleep in his arms. Once he started drifting, I let myself out and went home... Why did I do that? Why am I pulling away all of the sudden? It doesn't make any sense. When I am with him, everything is right in the world, I'm happy, laughing, having a good time... And when he is not around, I'm okay. I look forward to when I get to see him again, but it isn't what drives me. I'm just content. But why am I getting scared?

He is going to be gone this weekend at a wedding...I wont get to see him again until next week. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder...Hopefully it is true. So far it seems to be...on Sunday after he had not seen me for most of the week he was very affectionate. When I asked him what was up, he smiled and said he hadn't seen me for a while...

I know that falling in love takes time, but it would be nice to know if there's even the possibility here. I guess we'll have to wait and see...

Kim

Friday, May 23, 2008

Dear Granna,

We had an interesting conversation, he and I. I usually don't like to talk about people's sexual history, but somehow my period of not being active came up and I explained to him that six months had been quite long enough. He had said that six months was nothing and his longest streak was almost a year. Curious, I asked him if he had meant it had been a year since he had slept with anyone until me, or if that had just been his longest, and he confirmed that it had been both.

My heart was filled with joy when I found out that it had been that long for him because it almost seems like he was just waiting for the right person. At that moment, I realized that I am very much falling for this man, but I don't know how to stop it. Thankfully I had a bit of irrational fear come through my brain and began thinking about him not telling the truth. What if he was just saying that sort of thing to appease me, to make it seem like he is not a bad guy after all? Like I said before, when I am with him all is right in the world, but when I'm away from him I have all of these fears and thoughts that I shouldn't have to worry about.

Why do I do that, Granna? How come I can't be happy? How come I am always looking over my shoulder wondering when I'm going to get stabbed in the back or crushed? Shouldn't I just be able to enjoy the journey and not worry about the end? I wonder if he has these same fears as I do. It's been a month since we've been dating and I'm ready to dive into a commitment but I don't want to take it too fast. Am I really ready for it? Or is it just the novelty of having someone to share my life with that makes me go so fast? None of this makes sense anymore, and ontop of that I'm falling in love with him.

Why do we have to fall in love with people? Why does it have to be so complicated and scary? Maybe it will get less complicated when the words slip out of my mouth. He'll either return them or run for the hills. Voila, complication over.

We're supposed to see each other this weekend and spend a whole day together. I suppose we'll see how that goes. We'll see if it even happens. I don't want to get my hopes up and get disappointed. I just want to be happy and stop being worried about all the bad that can happen. How does one learn to do that?

Kim

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dear Granna,

I think he and I made love last night. I'm not entirely sure if it was because of the cold medication he was on, or if he was tired or what, but it was so gentle and tender, I really didn't know what to think. Afterwards he wrapped his body with mine and just held me for a while and we fell asleep that way. It was very romantic. Not like any of the time before.

I feel myself slipping, Granna. And I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should fight it kicking and screaming the whole way or if I should just embrace the feelings and go for it... The only problem is, I can't gauge if he feels the same and I'm filled with all of these irrational fears that I am just being used, or there are girls on the side, or he can't possibly feel the same way... but when I'm with him, none of that matters. It is like the whole world stops and we are the only ones in it. It's amazing. And scary.

You know how I am though, I fall in love without thinking and just jump without looking. That is why I'm struggling so hard right now. I'm trying to think. I'm trying to look. I'm clinging to the edge, kicking my feet trying to get a grip on something, and it's just not working. No matter how hard I dig my fingernails into the edge, every time I see him I slip a little more. Will he be there to catch me? Or am I going to fall right on my ass again like so many times before?

This is really a battle. I'm so happy and beside myself all the time when I think about it. But we need to take it slow, right? No point in rushing into anything. Have to make sure whatever I'm feeling now I continue to feel and go from there. As of now, though, I'm addicted to his kiss, I'm addicted to his smell, the feel of him, his voice, his laugh... It's so wonderful and so awful all at once.

I just hope this is real.

Kim

Saturday, May 17, 2007

Dear Granna,

I wanted to sit down and write to you so that I can remember the events of the evening past. He and I had another wonderful evening, but the highlight of my evening was when we were leaving Dussini's and we ran into Jason. Yes, that Jason. The one who hurt me for so many years and never thought anything of it. The very one that would lie to me so that he could get what he wanted and not even take into consideration what it was doing to me emotionally. We were walking across the street leaving behind the friends that I had agreed to meet when I saw him crossing towards us. It took me a moment to recognize him and I felt the fire build in my chest. I turned and followed him to his destination and gave him a tentative hug with a huge smile and asked him how he had been doing. Jason didn't quite know what to think of my positive attitude towards him, but told me I looked good and asked if I had been doing anything exciting lately. With a smug smile I pointed towards him who was coming back across the street to me. Returning to my side, I introduced him to Jason and they exchanged a stiff handshake while the smile on my face was giving away that I was enjoying this entirely too much. Taking a cigarette from him I smiled at Jason and told him his friends were upstairs and that it was good to see him. Jason, still completely stunned by the fact that he ran into me made his excuse to depart and left.

I have never felt so wonderfully validated. Jason turned tail to get away from me and him and as soon as Jason was gone I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a big kiss, explaining to him that Jason was one of my exes who had hurt my greatly and I just had the opportunity to show him that I was moving on and happy with my life. It was wonderful, Granna. After that, we went down to the Shout House where I proceeded to get completely hammered and he took care of me all night. It is when he does things that that that I know there is a good guy in there. I only hope this isn't a facade...because the moment I find out he is using me I am going to be crushed.

I don't know why I can't just be happy and go with the flow. I've been beaten down so many times that I am already knocking myself to the ground. Maybe I will get helped up this time, maybe I wont.

I feel myself slipping, Granna. I'm clinging to the ledge as best I can but I'm losing my grip. Please, please send me strength so that I don't fall if he is not going to catch me.

Kim

Friday, May 16, 2007

Dear Granna,

I was just replaying our dates through my mind and I recalled a couple of behaviors that at the time I didn't think anything of, but now that I think about them I realize he has been raised well.

When we were walking to/from the beach on Tuesday, we had to cross a street to get there, and he made sure to move me so he was in the line of traffic and not myself. At the same time, while we were walking down through the canyon to get to that street, he would position himself in front of me, go down the hill, then wait to catch me at the bottom. Or climb up in front of me then reach back and pull me up. It seems to me that there may be a little bit of a gentleman in there, after all.

He always goes to open the door for me (car doors, building doors), and puts himself in front of me when we're trying to move past people. The strange part is, it doesn't bother me. I know that I can do all these things for myself, but I kind of like the idea of someone protecting me because that is what he wants to do. It is odd, actually, the thought of someone feeling like they have to protect me from anything. Or the fact that he is a gentleman, and while we goof around most of the time, he does know how a woman should be treated.

I fear I am smitten by him. Not like the previous crushes that I have had on total strangers, but the more I get to know him, the more I can see myself falling for him, and I need to slow down. I need to make sure that this is not all a game and I am ready for this. I still have my irrational fears that he is just playing with me, but then he says and does the little things that blow my mind right away. When someone just puts their hand on you and gently moves you aside in a not aggressive way, but takes a position to protect you, the thought of it makes my heart flutter.

Maybe I am just reading too much into this. I keep repeating to myself that I need to treat this like a fling and protect my heart. Have to be smart and not let myself get hurt, but at the same time I want to just jump in. I guess we'll see what happens. I am doing my best to follow and let him make the first move. We'll see if he comes through for me or not. We're going out again tonight, I am taking him Downtown to a couple places I enjoy going to, and he might even get to meet a couple of my friends. It is the least I could do for him after he introduced me to his best friend on Tuesday. Just need to keep having fun and slow down. Slow down and follow. Be strong. Not get in too deep too quickly.

It is just so odd that we're establishing a good foundation for a potential long term relationship and I keep stepping back because I so badly want it to be real but can't believe it yet. Think he'll prove it to me?

Kim

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Dear Granna,

He completely exceeded my expectations last night. I am still in awe about the whole evening. Which brings back more confusing feelings about wondering what is going to happen? He put so much thought and effort into the date... Introduced me to his roommate, showed me his house, took me out for drinks, took me for dinner, then we walked on the beach... It was just perfect. And afterwards I didn't feel so bad about sleeping with him because I felt like he earned it. I just wish that he would admit that it wasn't "casual." I know we have only been dating for three weeks, but how long do you wait before you admit that there can be something more than just casul? I don't know the timeline on all of this...I am trying to be patient and just take it one step at a time, but you know me, I always worry about the future. I always wonder if I'm wasting my time...if there is going to be long term potential here, or if I should just dump the situation and move on... But when I'm with him, things are okay. I'm laughing and having fun. I can feel myself starting to fall, but I'm holding onto the edge to make sure he is going to be there to catch me. When I think about it, I get butterflies in my stomach, but at the same time a huge gnaw of fear that this is all one big game.

Does he have the same fears?

I am eager to see how this all pans out. We're quite similar, but at the same time, we have so much to give to one another. Maybe it is the writer in me that can picture this wonderful journey, but I need to stop. I need to be a realist. Just do what Mom says and treat it like a fling until something else develops. Things take time to develop. Just need to have the patience and the strength not to run screaming into the night.

Needless to say, I was impressed last night. Just when you think you have someone figured out, it is amazing when they can blow your mind.

Kim

Monday, May 12, 2008

Dear Granna,

He wants to take me out to a fancy dinner tomorrow night. Over the weekend he hardly kept in touch with me and I was ready to write him off again. I'm not going to be the weekday girl. He has to make an effort to see me when it is convenient for me and not just convenient for him. I told him I would only go out with him tomorrow if he would come out with me on Friday. I hate to be manipulative like that, but I need to put my foot down. I don't want to think that he is just using me and he is going to have to prove it.

He also intends to take me back to his place tomorrow after dinner. One can only imagine what he has in mind, but I am hesitating now. I wont be his whore. Perhaps I wont even humor him and go back to his place. Just go to dinner and go home from there. I need to learn how to play these games better. I already jumped the gun and gave in to what he wanted, more than likely...so if he wants it again, he's working for it. Then again, how do I know I will be able to resit his advances when he is near me my whole body lights on fire. It it just the idea that I have chemistry with someone that sets me off, or is this how it really is supposed to be?

What it comes down to is I am not into the games. I expect a certain amount of attention, and while this may be casual for him, it certainly is not casual for me. I am trying to do my best to take it slow. We've only been dating for three weeks. At the same time I don't want to waste my time and spend it with him if there isn't potential for something more. I just don't know. I can't get a read off of him.

My friends and family are telling me to just have fun and not put too much emotion into it...the problem is I want to. There's a good guy in there, I know there is, he's just been hurt and he hesitates just like I do. That or that is just the way he manipulates me. I hate feeling like this. I hate having the voices whisper over my shoulder that this isn't real, that it is all bullshit and he is only going to fuck me over in the end.

Why can't things just be straight forward?

I'll write again tomorrow or Wednesday to talk about the date. This will be number four.

Kim

Wednesday,May 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

Why is it that you can be so filled with joy and people have to bring you back down to reality? Why is it that there are people in the world who hurt others so that they have to ruin it for all the rest of us? Don’t get me wrong, I love my Mother and my Sister, but my feeling of bliss has been grounded when they got me thinking that maybe I’m not the only one for him. I shouldn’t have to be paranoid, I shouldn’t have to wonder if he is bedding other women while I am at home feeling my heart roll in my chest when I think about him. Until they had mentioned it, I did not worry. They said you never know, a man will be a man, and I may never know if I’m just the girl on the side. But why can he be so romantic and when I am with him make me feel like I’m the only person in the world? If I really am the girl on the side, he must work very hard to do such a thing. It makes me wonder, it really does. I am sad that I have been manipulated and burned so many times that when my family warns me about these things that I actually consider them instead of just brushing them aside and having a good time?

He told me this morning while I was walking him to my car that it was like a dream. A great dream that he woke up from and then was disappointed that it had to end and we had to go to work. Then when he got off work he called me to talk about what he got in the mail and his drive home on his motorcycle…those simple things mean to me that he is really thinking about me, but why does everyone else have to say that it could be manipulation to protect himself? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I can’t just be happy. I can’t just enjoy the moment and stop working about the ultimate destruction of the relationship. We’re not even in a relationship and I’m already bypassing the whole thing and going right to the end. Right to the part where I am destroyed and my heart is broken once more. Why does it have to be like this? Is something wrong with me?

I so want to be happy. I want to believe that this can turn into something more. I want to keep walking on clouds thinking about the possibility of someone falling in love with me for real, instead of a relationship convenience. I want to be excited about walking beside someone and developing something real but part of me hesitates. Part of me feels like it is all just bullshit because the people around me tell me to watch out. They have the best intentions, I know, they just want to protect me and make sure I don’t get hurt…but why not just catch me when I fall, instead of push me over the edge prematurely?

This is all new for me. I’ve never really dated. I fell in love with the idea of Jason before we even were together. And he never loved me. I fell in love with Nick because we were good friends and it was convenient and he needed to be saved so we immediately jumped into a relationship. With him it is so different. We’re dating, we’re going out and getting to know one another and we took a huge step last night that may mean nothing to him but means a lot to me. I don’t just go to bed with people. It is not like me, so I am impressed at myself for being so liberated but worried that he will think less of me or just disappear because he got what he wanted. Though, his behavior today proves that it is not just for the sex, he kept in touch with me the whole day and did the above mentioned things.

Maybe I’m jumping the gun. Moving too fast. Everything in my life moves so fast so I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know the timeline or how things are going to turn out. I don’t know when it is okay to tell him how I feel or begin to let myself fall in love or when I should expect him to fall in love with me. This is ridiculous. Ridiculous and scary. I just don’t know what to expect. I want to just let myself go but at the same time, every time before this one…I have had such hope and they have been destroyed. The only thing that makes this situation different is I gave myself to him. I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable and gave my body to him to prove that I cared about him enough to do that…no one other has gotten that from me.

I suppose I should just take a deep breath and calm down. Take it one day at a time. Keep part of my heart locked away until he gives me part of his. Make him make the first move, and that way I know when to follow. Leading tends to get me in trouble and people can’t follow because I move too quick or in random ways… Maybe it is time to be patient and follow. Do you think I can do that?

Follow?

Kim

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

It is funny how you prepare yourself emotionally to complete write someone off and then they totally surprise you. He wasn't talking to me all weekend and by Monday I had deleted his number from my phone and began the process of getting over this whole dating situation and then he started talking to me again. Wanted to see me. So I agreed. And we went out last night. As always, it was fun. And then I did something I never thought I would do. I brought him home. My mind was screaming for me not to do it, that I wasn't ready, it was too soon...but when he kissed me and touched me my whole body just lit on fire and it took over.

Needless to say, I took him to work this morning. Mom and Jen always tell me to go out and be adventurous and just have fun, and I had a lot of fun. Now I'm fighting my programming and making sure that I don't make anything out of it. It is just sex. Granted I do like him and I hope he likes me, I can't expect him to wait for me to be 100% ready because I never think I will be. It doesn't matter now. The initial fear of having a new lover is gone...and now it is going to be more about getting to know one another's bodies better, trying new things and all of that. Assuming there are going to be more evenings like last night.

I'm just...I'm shocked because I don't do things like that normally, but I need to just go with it and be liberated. I need to know that this is a natural thing to do, and as long as I am careful (physically and emotionally) I wont get too damaged out of the whole situation. Like I said, if nothing else, I had fun, and I got some experience out of it...and I know I can take leaps and not take too much damage from the fall.

Kim

Monday, May 5, 2008

Dear Granna,

Ah, the familiar sting of rejection rears its ugly head again...When I last wrote I was debating whether or not you had send him to me, or if it turns out the world was just playing cruel joke -- turns out it was a cruel joke. And here I sit wondering what it is about me that drives them away? Why is it that I get crushes on guys that will feign interest for a few days then run screaming for the hills? Such is life, I guess.

It has to be me, right? I'm the one with all of the problems and the weird quirks that people just can't handle. I'm too aggressive, I'm too controlling, whatever it is, I just let it fly and they can't handle it. Am I really destined to be alone forever, or do I have to change who I am to attract that potential life partner?

I already have lost my belief in soulmates...and now I'm beginning to lose faith in love and feelings and any of that disgusting rot that makes us weak. Why does rejection have to hurt me so much? How come I can't just take a breath and tell them that they are the ones that are missing out? Where is my strength when I need it the most? It just drains me, to think that, once again, I'm not good enough.

Back to finding my own strength. Back to not worrying about finding someone to date and just letting it happen. I need to throw myself back into Kung Fu and reading and writing and just be content with that. Nothing wrong with being alone, right?

Kim

May 1, 2008

Dear Granna,

Did you send this one to me? Or is this the world's idea of a sick joke?

I had fun last night. I felt alive.

Kim