Dear Granna,
It has been an interesting week. Since last Tuesday I have been on quite a few adventures, so it would seem. Tuesday night dinner went very well. As well as can be expected. We danced the same dance, flirted, drank, had a good time... and then he invited me back to his place - for obvious reasons. Thinking it would be the best way to get rid of him if that was all he was after, I slept with him. It was slow and gentle and confusing, to say the least. As soon as it was over, as I was pulling on my clothes, I decided right there it was time for me to go. So, I didn't hesitate. Packed up my stuff, told him I had fun and left. Went to go hang out with George. The whole evening Kyle was constantly texting me... "concerned" about me getting home safe. I'm not going to lie and say that the possibility of some more action was there, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. As I was laying in bed with George, his arms around me, his lips trailing down my neck, it just felt awkward. There is no doubt an attraction there, but, I needed at least a shower in between first...! Yes, I have become a horrible woman, I know. Much to George's dismay of wanting me to stay, I chose to leave and go home, feeling very wanted from a lot of different directions.
Needless to say, the week was filled with idle chat between Kyle and I. I did my own thing, he did his own thing. Saturday rolls around and he asks me to come up to his parent's house to hang out... he was taking care of his grandfather and wanted company. I agreed and went up. We had a fun evening of listening to stories his grandfather told, playing darts, and pool. It was so interesting to see the kind, gentle side of Kyle, taking care of his grandfather like that. They would joke and play together, and Kyle would bring him juice and stuff to snack on. It was very sweet. There were more shenanigans that night, of course. He walked me to my car afterwards and gave me a big hug and told me to drive home safe. Sunday we didn't talk much, Monday, he texted me and told me he was still at his parent's until Tuesday and he was watching the baseball game and invited me up again. I agreed and went up and watched the tail end of the baseball game with him and his grandfather. Every now and again we would sneak away and he would give me gentle kisses and caresses. We played more darts and drank, and when his grandfather went to sleep, more physical adventures, he practically tore my clothes off next to the pool table, then drug me off to his room. Once we got into the room it was...not hurried. This was after a long discussion of me being nervous and having to collect myself in the bathroom for a minute, at first he wanted to be with me and hold me, and I told him I just needed to clear my head and shooed him out (because I know the path I am walking down and I need to be able to detach mentally). He was way into pleasing me, and giving me what I wanted. He was so worried about hurting me too, being too rough, doing something I didn't like, he kept saying he never wanted to hurt me.
Afterwards we were taking a shower and giggling and talking, and he kept leaning over and giving me soft kisses, on the forehead, on the lips, taking my face in his hands and looking me deep in the eyes. I got dressed afterwards, he walked me to my car and lingered for a moment, before deciding he hadn't had enough of me in the house. Thankfully his parent's house is out in the boonies and I am a voyeur, so, under the stars, pressed up against my car...it was a unique experience. Afterwards he helped me adjust my clothes, gave me more gentle kisses, hugged me tightly then sent me on my way.
I. Don't. Get. It.
It is all on him at this point. I'm not putting my heart on the line anymore for someone who burned me so many times, and I told him that. I told him that I was perfectly content right now, and if he ever wanted progression it was all on him. I think that is fair. That way I am not the one to commit, he has to be. Plus, I enjoy his company and I might as well have some fun. His mood swings are really giving me whip-lash. Why is it that men have to be so complicated? I'm not going to wait for him though, not going to limit myself because if he never steps up, I don't want to have missed out on other opportunities of enjoyment.
In other news, I may lose my job. Which is sad, because I have given them almost two years of my life...they burned me when they told me they wouldn't give me letters of rec for law school, and then told me I was a horrible employee. Now they have this "performance improvement plan" I am supposed to be following which is a load of bullshit, because they know I am capable. But I'll jump through the hoops and smile, and at the end of this probation period we'll see if I have a job. I don't know, maybe it is time for a new chapter in my life? Why can't things just be simple? If I lose my job, I can finish up my certification and go from there, but I need income to pay my bills... the way the economy is right now...nothing like being afraid of declaring bankruptcy, right?
This weekend I'm going out with some lady friends I have the pleasure of knowing. Friday we are doing wine tasting, Saturday dancing, Sunday brunch. It is going to be a fun weekend. I've also started swimming to try to help my back. Running is not really an option, as I get sore really quick and my biggest fear is damaging that disc further. Still trying to walk as much as I can, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do the marathon. We'll see. That is the best I can do.
So, just breathing, staying positive, keeping busy... Hopefully I don't kill anyone in the process.
Kim
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Dear Granna,
Are we really going to play this game again? The one that always starts out the same and ends the same? I can't do it anymore. I'm noticing a pattern, and I promised myself I would break the cycle. Kyle asked me to go to dinner with him, which is fine, I suppose we can do that, but I don't think I can offer him anything more than he offers me. I have been burned too deeply too many times by him, and while I do care about his happiness, I have to be ready to find my own happiness and be happy and safe in the process. So, I agreed to dinner. Already I've got knots in my stomach because I am unsure I want to go. My walls are up, I am completely guarded, and I am uncomfortable. Maybe it is because the last time we saw each other it really felt like goodbye. We've been doing this same dance for a year, but somehow we keep coming back to it.
Just trying to stay positive and see what he can offer me as far as friendships go. I swore to myself I wasn't going to maintain friendships where there wasn't a give and take ratio that was even. Already I am realizing the people who I became friends with while we were dating suddenly disappeared now that we are not... so it makes me very cautious of who I consider friends these days. Which is a shame, really, because when someone becomes my friend I would die for them. Though, I am very lucky to have a few close friends who I will never let go because they have been through very tough times with me and stuck in there. And I hope that I have been the same for them. Friendship is a blessing and a gift, and should be treated as such.
This week is going to be a busy one. Thursday night I am meeting up with some lovely ladies I haven't seen in quite some time for some dinner and drinks. It is going to be good to see them again, we have a lot to catch up on. Sunday is Easter and is going to be a wonderful family day (I hope!). With Ciaran around, it really doesn't matter who else is there. That little man has my heart and soul. I hope I can be the best Aunt to him through the years. My sister is going to be a great mother, no doubt, but I want to protect her cub too, that is just the way I am.
My beautiful Liz is coming out in a few weeks. It is going to be a whirlwind while she is here because I want to do so much. Letting her go is going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Now if only I could convince her to come back to California and stay with me, then I don't think I would ever be unhappy. She was a light in all of my darkness and has guided me to happiness. I can't believe how utterly lucky I am to have found her and gotten to know her through the years. We are going to have some adventures at Disneyland and get some tattoos. It is going to be a good time. I just wish she was here now. Every second is miserable waiting. And then of course time is going to go by too fast while she is here. We'll figure it out. I'm trapped in California until I am done with school, and she doesn't want to leave her family in Idaho, but if we are meant to be together, things will work out.
It is going to be a long day.
Kim
Are we really going to play this game again? The one that always starts out the same and ends the same? I can't do it anymore. I'm noticing a pattern, and I promised myself I would break the cycle. Kyle asked me to go to dinner with him, which is fine, I suppose we can do that, but I don't think I can offer him anything more than he offers me. I have been burned too deeply too many times by him, and while I do care about his happiness, I have to be ready to find my own happiness and be happy and safe in the process. So, I agreed to dinner. Already I've got knots in my stomach because I am unsure I want to go. My walls are up, I am completely guarded, and I am uncomfortable. Maybe it is because the last time we saw each other it really felt like goodbye. We've been doing this same dance for a year, but somehow we keep coming back to it.
Just trying to stay positive and see what he can offer me as far as friendships go. I swore to myself I wasn't going to maintain friendships where there wasn't a give and take ratio that was even. Already I am realizing the people who I became friends with while we were dating suddenly disappeared now that we are not... so it makes me very cautious of who I consider friends these days. Which is a shame, really, because when someone becomes my friend I would die for them. Though, I am very lucky to have a few close friends who I will never let go because they have been through very tough times with me and stuck in there. And I hope that I have been the same for them. Friendship is a blessing and a gift, and should be treated as such.
This week is going to be a busy one. Thursday night I am meeting up with some lovely ladies I haven't seen in quite some time for some dinner and drinks. It is going to be good to see them again, we have a lot to catch up on. Sunday is Easter and is going to be a wonderful family day (I hope!). With Ciaran around, it really doesn't matter who else is there. That little man has my heart and soul. I hope I can be the best Aunt to him through the years. My sister is going to be a great mother, no doubt, but I want to protect her cub too, that is just the way I am.
My beautiful Liz is coming out in a few weeks. It is going to be a whirlwind while she is here because I want to do so much. Letting her go is going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Now if only I could convince her to come back to California and stay with me, then I don't think I would ever be unhappy. She was a light in all of my darkness and has guided me to happiness. I can't believe how utterly lucky I am to have found her and gotten to know her through the years. We are going to have some adventures at Disneyland and get some tattoos. It is going to be a good time. I just wish she was here now. Every second is miserable waiting. And then of course time is going to go by too fast while she is here. We'll figure it out. I'm trapped in California until I am done with school, and she doesn't want to leave her family in Idaho, but if we are meant to be together, things will work out.
It is going to be a long day.
Kim
Monday, April 6, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Dear Granna,
I apologize for my lack of writing. I have been trapped in my own thoughts and would you believe that I hurt my back to the point where I ended up in the hospital? Well, I am still recovering from that. It seems like it is going to be something I deal with for the rest of my life, which really upsets me because suddenly my dream of running a marathon is that much further away. I don't even know if I can walk a mile anymore, let alone run 26... but that wont stop me from trying. I'm stubborn.
Other than that, aside from being plagued with nightmares, I've been trying to stay postive and focused. Though I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with legal research, I need to get back on that. I'm just apathetic about school these days. Getting into law school seems so far away, even though I got another brochure from another out of state law school in Michigan trying to recruit me. So, there is always a lower tier law school I can go to, just the thought of leaving San Diego scares me. I'll do what I have to do in the end, though.
Right now I'm wondering because of my absence from work all last week if I'm still going to even have a job. I suppose we will see at the week progresses.
Kim
I apologize for my lack of writing. I have been trapped in my own thoughts and would you believe that I hurt my back to the point where I ended up in the hospital? Well, I am still recovering from that. It seems like it is going to be something I deal with for the rest of my life, which really upsets me because suddenly my dream of running a marathon is that much further away. I don't even know if I can walk a mile anymore, let alone run 26... but that wont stop me from trying. I'm stubborn.
Other than that, aside from being plagued with nightmares, I've been trying to stay postive and focused. Though I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with legal research, I need to get back on that. I'm just apathetic about school these days. Getting into law school seems so far away, even though I got another brochure from another out of state law school in Michigan trying to recruit me. So, there is always a lower tier law school I can go to, just the thought of leaving San Diego scares me. I'll do what I have to do in the end, though.
Right now I'm wondering because of my absence from work all last week if I'm still going to even have a job. I suppose we will see at the week progresses.
Kim
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