Dear Granna,
Another week has gone by. I can't believe how fast time flies when you are so busy. Wednesday was a bit difficult though. Ryan's Dad is dying of cancer and he doesn't have much longer to live. Ryan is out there now to be with him, and Jen and Ciaran are going to go out as soon as they can to see him one more time. I suppose it is one of my greatest weaknesses that I can't stand to hear about people hurting, and for some strange reason I just took the news from Jen really hard. I was just crying and sad, I felt a great sense of loss for Ryan and Jen...and most especially Ciaran. He will never know his paternal grandfather and that breaks my heart. I didn't know any of my grandfathers, and a part of me always wonders what it would have been like if I did.
Me, being the emotional person I am, did what I always do...and broke down. And when I broke down, I turned to Kyle. I went up to his place and just cried on his shoulder and he talked me through it. Said that this is just part of life and I can't let it get to me like this. It's true. I don't even know Ryan's father all that much, it is just the idea that someone in my family is hurting that bothers me the most. He managed to calm me down and I sat and dorked around on his computer while he took a shower. When he was done with the shower, he came over to me and leaned on the back of the chair while I played and then leaned me back to look at him. I turned the game off and he lead me to his bed and gently pushed me down. It was another one of those moments where it was slow and patient and tender. Something I usually don't expect from Kyle. Afterwards we both took a shower and just talked about life and how feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world. We went to the store and joked around and had a good time for the rest of the evening. I don't know what it is about him, but when I'm at my lowest, he usually can bring me back up.
We are close. Dangerously close. I don't know how I feel about letting someone in as much as I have let him in, but I can't worry about that. Life is about living, loving and laughing... And even if it ends up badly, it is the experiences along the way we have to embrace, right? I need to focus on the good feelings I have right now and not worry about the what-ifs. And in the end it will be better for all of us.
Going to spend the weekend with him again, though our agenda is unclear! I am going to visit with Jen and Dad tomorrow during the day then head back up there for Saturday night and most of Sunday. It is good to know I have a second home waiting for me. I've never really felt like I could call a place home, but those boys keep their doors and their arms open for me, and it makes me feel really welcome sometimes. I hope I'm not imposing on them.
Kim
Friday, February 27, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Dear Granna,
My weekend was amazing. It is funny how things turn out that way. Ever since I grasped my "letting go" attitude, things have been going pretty well. While it was on the agenda, Kyle and I spent the majority of the weekend together, when originally we were just supposed to spend Friday night together. His sister was going to pick him up on Saturday morning to go do some family thing and she didn't show up until late in the afternoon. I originally was going to leave in the morning when he got picked up, but instead I stayed and waited for his sister to show up. When she showed up she was excited to see me and asked Kyle why he didn't just have me bring him up (which I had been offering the entire time)? Then we ganged up on Kyle and asked him if I could go, and it ended up being a pretty fun time. I enjoy spending time with his family... they are a very swell bunch, and his sister is crazy like I am. It also gets me in a little deeper, so maybe once they start putting the pressure on him, he'll see how wonderful I am!
But I highly doubt it! He's Kyle, after all, stubborn until the end.
Regardless, it was fun. I got to have some good laughs and sit in a jacuzzi, and make googly eyes at Kyle in front of his family and embarass him. His Mom embarassed me, though, and asked me what was "growing out of your ass?" when she saw my tattoo. I got so red that Kyle started getting red, but we all laughed at my expense and it was fun. We drove home that night (only to discover the doors were locked and I had to break into the house through Kyle's window and scare the shit out of his roommates) and, although we were both exhsausted from the previous nights entertainment... Kyle was "in the mood" (I'll take it whenever I can because it is few and far between these days!). But it was different. Different than normal, wham, bam, thank-you ma'am like we usually have. This was slow and gentle and patient. He was more worried about my needs than his own. It was like an exploration of both of our bodies together again, like two new lovers figuring out what makes them tick. We connected in a deeper level then just the physical pleasure. It was...nice. Just to feel sexy and wanted and cared about. It was just what I needed to put a little pep in my step.
Sunday we slept until one, got up and went to get something to eat, then said a quick goodbye around 3:00 and I went to go do some research. Haven't heard from him since, but, I imagine I will be seeing him again this weekend... We're just having fun and whatever happens, happens. Like Nadia has been teaching me, I'm going to embrace the now and be happy with what I have now and not worry about the future as much, it only leads to disappointment.
It just feels good to have that sort of freedom.
Though, I was a naughty puppy and I didn't do any of my running this weekend, and I'm going to pay for it this week...but my legs feel like they have been running for days, so, I don't know what is up with that. I drank a protein shake for breakfast in hopes that it will help, so we'll see how I feel this afternoon.
All-in-all... it was a wonderful weekend full of love, laughter and family. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Kim
My weekend was amazing. It is funny how things turn out that way. Ever since I grasped my "letting go" attitude, things have been going pretty well. While it was on the agenda, Kyle and I spent the majority of the weekend together, when originally we were just supposed to spend Friday night together. His sister was going to pick him up on Saturday morning to go do some family thing and she didn't show up until late in the afternoon. I originally was going to leave in the morning when he got picked up, but instead I stayed and waited for his sister to show up. When she showed up she was excited to see me and asked Kyle why he didn't just have me bring him up (which I had been offering the entire time)? Then we ganged up on Kyle and asked him if I could go, and it ended up being a pretty fun time. I enjoy spending time with his family... they are a very swell bunch, and his sister is crazy like I am. It also gets me in a little deeper, so maybe once they start putting the pressure on him, he'll see how wonderful I am!
But I highly doubt it! He's Kyle, after all, stubborn until the end.
Regardless, it was fun. I got to have some good laughs and sit in a jacuzzi, and make googly eyes at Kyle in front of his family and embarass him. His Mom embarassed me, though, and asked me what was "growing out of your ass?" when she saw my tattoo. I got so red that Kyle started getting red, but we all laughed at my expense and it was fun. We drove home that night (only to discover the doors were locked and I had to break into the house through Kyle's window and scare the shit out of his roommates) and, although we were both exhsausted from the previous nights entertainment... Kyle was "in the mood" (I'll take it whenever I can because it is few and far between these days!). But it was different. Different than normal, wham, bam, thank-you ma'am like we usually have. This was slow and gentle and patient. He was more worried about my needs than his own. It was like an exploration of both of our bodies together again, like two new lovers figuring out what makes them tick. We connected in a deeper level then just the physical pleasure. It was...nice. Just to feel sexy and wanted and cared about. It was just what I needed to put a little pep in my step.
Sunday we slept until one, got up and went to get something to eat, then said a quick goodbye around 3:00 and I went to go do some research. Haven't heard from him since, but, I imagine I will be seeing him again this weekend... We're just having fun and whatever happens, happens. Like Nadia has been teaching me, I'm going to embrace the now and be happy with what I have now and not worry about the future as much, it only leads to disappointment.
It just feels good to have that sort of freedom.
Though, I was a naughty puppy and I didn't do any of my running this weekend, and I'm going to pay for it this week...but my legs feel like they have been running for days, so, I don't know what is up with that. I drank a protein shake for breakfast in hopes that it will help, so we'll see how I feel this afternoon.
All-in-all... it was a wonderful weekend full of love, laughter and family. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Kim
Friday, February 20, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Dear Granna,
We were talking about you last night. Sharing fond memories of the times we spent with you, of your haunted house, of that little room we would spend so much time in. Jen and Paul and Mom all had these wonderful memories, and it made me quite sad that I didn't get to experience all of the things they did. The last time I saw you I was 16, and we were in such a flurry of emotions because we were moving back to California after Mom's little adventure to PA... I tried to make plans to go see you many times after that, but life just kept getting in the way.
Though, I will never forget the Christmases that we spent at your house, and the tree that reached the ceiling...and openening all of the jewelry you gave us. You always had the best taste. Your house was so beautiful, so welcoming, so amazing. I think that was because it had you in it. I wish it was still in the family, but Aunt Pat did what she thought was best, and I can't be angry at her for it.
I miss you terribly. And I regret not making more memories with you. But Mom assures me that the letters we exchanged meant more to you than a lifetime of spending time together. I sure hope she is right. I hope the idea of you that I have is the real you, and that I can become that strong, amazing woman.
I am so lucky to have had such a wonderful woman like you in my life.
Kim
We were talking about you last night. Sharing fond memories of the times we spent with you, of your haunted house, of that little room we would spend so much time in. Jen and Paul and Mom all had these wonderful memories, and it made me quite sad that I didn't get to experience all of the things they did. The last time I saw you I was 16, and we were in such a flurry of emotions because we were moving back to California after Mom's little adventure to PA... I tried to make plans to go see you many times after that, but life just kept getting in the way.
Though, I will never forget the Christmases that we spent at your house, and the tree that reached the ceiling...and openening all of the jewelry you gave us. You always had the best taste. Your house was so beautiful, so welcoming, so amazing. I think that was because it had you in it. I wish it was still in the family, but Aunt Pat did what she thought was best, and I can't be angry at her for it.
I miss you terribly. And I regret not making more memories with you. But Mom assures me that the letters we exchanged meant more to you than a lifetime of spending time together. I sure hope she is right. I hope the idea of you that I have is the real you, and that I can become that strong, amazing woman.
I am so lucky to have had such a wonderful woman like you in my life.
Kim
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dear Granna,
The hardest thing to do in life is to let go. To let go of the past, to let go of hope, to let go of the plan, of sadness, or longing, of need, of desire... To just let it all wash away and be guided by nothing other than fate.
My plans always fall apart, my dreams get ripped from me, and my hopes get dashed... but I realized, if I didn't have those things, then I wouldn't be disappointed. While I am not going to give up my ultimate desires, such as becoming a lawyer and being able to take care of myself someday (that path has already been set before me), things like who I want, who I need, who I love... if I just let go of unrequitted feelings and love me, then maybe things will be so much easier.
Friends have been trying to coach me through my longing for companionship, choosing the wrong people, making bad decisions and then holding onto those decisions so tightly I get blinded by the damage they are doing to me in the long run. So I have chosen to be happy to just be happy. To live life to the fullest now and not have a plan. Just go wherever I am taken. Swimming upstream all my life has caused me to miss out on the simple joys.
It seems like I am being a defeatist, but what it comes down to...I am a fighter, but I have to pick my battles, and I have to be happy. I have to do what makes me happy and not expect anyone else to make my happiness for me. This choice is going to have lots of ups and downs, but in my being I am so tired of fighting. Now I will focus on me. I will be -me-. People can love me for who I am, and if they don't, that is their own issue, not mine.
Kyle and I had a moment yesterday, a moment that made me stop and think about what I was doing... Yesterday we went out to lunch, and we were laughing and talking, and an old couple walked over to us and said, "We love the way you two look, you're having so much fun." And it hit me... I'm not the one that is holding me back, he is... Because he is afraid. And I can't wait around anymore. I can't expect him to just wake up one morning and realize he loves me. I can't hold on to the hope that it will happen, because if I do... and it doesn't happen, there will be so much disappointment. So if I just let go... if I am just happy being with him without any future plan, if I can enjoy being in a non-relationship for the time being but not hold onto any expectations for it to ever turn into anything else...then I wont be hurt. Because right now, thinking about the what-ifs hurts too much. Thinking about the why, the who, the when... It just makes me realize that I focus so much on the things that I don't have, rather than the things I have right now.
It is going to be an interesting journey. I need to maintain the strength I have had all along. I need to get my chin up, my chest out and walk proudly and smile. Life is too short to worry about things that may or may not happen... and I will take them when they come, but right now... I just want to be.
Kim
The hardest thing to do in life is to let go. To let go of the past, to let go of hope, to let go of the plan, of sadness, or longing, of need, of desire... To just let it all wash away and be guided by nothing other than fate.
My plans always fall apart, my dreams get ripped from me, and my hopes get dashed... but I realized, if I didn't have those things, then I wouldn't be disappointed. While I am not going to give up my ultimate desires, such as becoming a lawyer and being able to take care of myself someday (that path has already been set before me), things like who I want, who I need, who I love... if I just let go of unrequitted feelings and love me, then maybe things will be so much easier.
Friends have been trying to coach me through my longing for companionship, choosing the wrong people, making bad decisions and then holding onto those decisions so tightly I get blinded by the damage they are doing to me in the long run. So I have chosen to be happy to just be happy. To live life to the fullest now and not have a plan. Just go wherever I am taken. Swimming upstream all my life has caused me to miss out on the simple joys.
It seems like I am being a defeatist, but what it comes down to...I am a fighter, but I have to pick my battles, and I have to be happy. I have to do what makes me happy and not expect anyone else to make my happiness for me. This choice is going to have lots of ups and downs, but in my being I am so tired of fighting. Now I will focus on me. I will be -me-. People can love me for who I am, and if they don't, that is their own issue, not mine.
Kyle and I had a moment yesterday, a moment that made me stop and think about what I was doing... Yesterday we went out to lunch, and we were laughing and talking, and an old couple walked over to us and said, "We love the way you two look, you're having so much fun." And it hit me... I'm not the one that is holding me back, he is... Because he is afraid. And I can't wait around anymore. I can't expect him to just wake up one morning and realize he loves me. I can't hold on to the hope that it will happen, because if I do... and it doesn't happen, there will be so much disappointment. So if I just let go... if I am just happy being with him without any future plan, if I can enjoy being in a non-relationship for the time being but not hold onto any expectations for it to ever turn into anything else...then I wont be hurt. Because right now, thinking about the what-ifs hurts too much. Thinking about the why, the who, the when... It just makes me realize that I focus so much on the things that I don't have, rather than the things I have right now.
It is going to be an interesting journey. I need to maintain the strength I have had all along. I need to get my chin up, my chest out and walk proudly and smile. Life is too short to worry about things that may or may not happen... and I will take them when they come, but right now... I just want to be.
Kim
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Dear Granna,
We all know how much I detest this time of year. It is the celebration of love and happiness, partnerships and futures... And when you are single, you are reminded just how alone you really are. This year, even though I have given my heart to someone, I think I am more alone than I would be if I still held it for myself.
I just don't know what to do anymore. There are times when I am so beside myself with joy that nothing else in the world matters...and then there are times like now...where I sit back and wonder what the hell I'm doing? Why I can't take back my heart from someone who obviously takes it for granted. He makes me weak. He makes me pathetic. I am tired of shedding tears because I am not knowing. There is no future, is there? I've known that from the beginning, yet I still hoped. I held on so tightly to that little flicker of hope...repeated to myself that "love is patient, love is kind," and tried to live by it. I've done everything for him that he asked of me, and more. And nothing has changed. It is the same game we keep playing...where I think he has let me in, and the truth is, once he gets what he wants, he just shuts you out.
I'm so tired. Emotionally. Physically. Tired. I try to be strong and not let things get me down. To remember life is about the moments, and not the big picture... but you can only do so much. I miss connecting with someone. I miss affection. I miss emotional closeness. Sharing a life with someone. Why do we always fall in love with the people who don't want us? I loved Jason desperately. I would have done anything for him. I love Kyle desperately, and I do everything he asks of me... But it is never enough. We focus on the ones who treat us poorly because sometimes I guess we feel like we can either change them, or they will come around. People don't change.
I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have someone that isn't afraid to be in love. Someone who will do for me as much as I do for them. Someone who will hold me when I am sad, and laugh with me when I am happy. And every time I go through something like this, it just shows me how horrible my choice in men is, and why I just can't just get a clue. I do no deserve this punishment that I put myself through. Not feeling good enough. Not feeling like I have any value. Feeling like I am being used. A cheap whore. A maid. And I am done.
Done.
I need to remember what you said, "Chin up, chest out, and fuck 'em." I need to puff my chest out again and reclaim my strength that got me into this situation. I was strong before I started talking with Kyle again, and now I need to be strong in letting him go. I can't afford to be weak in this lifetime because I am worth so much more. I am so much stronger.
I just have to remember, when I walk away, he wont come after me, and to not be disappointed when he doesn't.
Kim
We all know how much I detest this time of year. It is the celebration of love and happiness, partnerships and futures... And when you are single, you are reminded just how alone you really are. This year, even though I have given my heart to someone, I think I am more alone than I would be if I still held it for myself.
I just don't know what to do anymore. There are times when I am so beside myself with joy that nothing else in the world matters...and then there are times like now...where I sit back and wonder what the hell I'm doing? Why I can't take back my heart from someone who obviously takes it for granted. He makes me weak. He makes me pathetic. I am tired of shedding tears because I am not knowing. There is no future, is there? I've known that from the beginning, yet I still hoped. I held on so tightly to that little flicker of hope...repeated to myself that "love is patient, love is kind," and tried to live by it. I've done everything for him that he asked of me, and more. And nothing has changed. It is the same game we keep playing...where I think he has let me in, and the truth is, once he gets what he wants, he just shuts you out.
I'm so tired. Emotionally. Physically. Tired. I try to be strong and not let things get me down. To remember life is about the moments, and not the big picture... but you can only do so much. I miss connecting with someone. I miss affection. I miss emotional closeness. Sharing a life with someone. Why do we always fall in love with the people who don't want us? I loved Jason desperately. I would have done anything for him. I love Kyle desperately, and I do everything he asks of me... But it is never enough. We focus on the ones who treat us poorly because sometimes I guess we feel like we can either change them, or they will come around. People don't change.
I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have someone that isn't afraid to be in love. Someone who will do for me as much as I do for them. Someone who will hold me when I am sad, and laugh with me when I am happy. And every time I go through something like this, it just shows me how horrible my choice in men is, and why I just can't just get a clue. I do no deserve this punishment that I put myself through. Not feeling good enough. Not feeling like I have any value. Feeling like I am being used. A cheap whore. A maid. And I am done.
Done.
I need to remember what you said, "Chin up, chest out, and fuck 'em." I need to puff my chest out again and reclaim my strength that got me into this situation. I was strong before I started talking with Kyle again, and now I need to be strong in letting him go. I can't afford to be weak in this lifetime because I am worth so much more. I am so much stronger.
I just have to remember, when I walk away, he wont come after me, and to not be disappointed when he doesn't.
Kim
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