Thursday, February 12, 2009

Dear Granna,

We all know how much I detest this time of year. It is the celebration of love and happiness, partnerships and futures... And when you are single, you are reminded just how alone you really are. This year, even though I have given my heart to someone, I think I am more alone than I would be if I still held it for myself.

I just don't know what to do anymore. There are times when I am so beside myself with joy that nothing else in the world matters...and then there are times like now...where I sit back and wonder what the hell I'm doing? Why I can't take back my heart from someone who obviously takes it for granted. He makes me weak. He makes me pathetic. I am tired of shedding tears because I am not knowing. There is no future, is there? I've known that from the beginning, yet I still hoped. I held on so tightly to that little flicker of hope...repeated to myself that "love is patient, love is kind," and tried to live by it. I've done everything for him that he asked of me, and more. And nothing has changed. It is the same game we keep playing...where I think he has let me in, and the truth is, once he gets what he wants, he just shuts you out.

I'm so tired. Emotionally. Physically. Tired. I try to be strong and not let things get me down. To remember life is about the moments, and not the big picture... but you can only do so much. I miss connecting with someone. I miss affection. I miss emotional closeness. Sharing a life with someone. Why do we always fall in love with the people who don't want us? I loved Jason desperately. I would have done anything for him. I love Kyle desperately, and I do everything he asks of me... But it is never enough. We focus on the ones who treat us poorly because sometimes I guess we feel like we can either change them, or they will come around. People don't change.

I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have someone that isn't afraid to be in love. Someone who will do for me as much as I do for them. Someone who will hold me when I am sad, and laugh with me when I am happy. And every time I go through something like this, it just shows me how horrible my choice in men is, and why I just can't just get a clue. I do no deserve this punishment that I put myself through. Not feeling good enough. Not feeling like I have any value. Feeling like I am being used. A cheap whore. A maid. And I am done.

Done.

I need to remember what you said, "Chin up, chest out, and fuck 'em." I need to puff my chest out again and reclaim my strength that got me into this situation. I was strong before I started talking with Kyle again, and now I need to be strong in letting him go. I can't afford to be weak in this lifetime because I am worth so much more. I am so much stronger.

I just have to remember, when I walk away, he wont come after me, and to not be disappointed when he doesn't.

Kim