December 5, 2007

Dear Granna,

I am having a bad day...it kind of makes me glad that I have a counseling appointment at lunch today. Just having some weird feelings inside of me right now. Like, why is it that there is this wonderful man chasing after me, and I can't stop thinking about the one who keeps hurting me? What do I have to prove to myself to move away from him and leave him in the past? Why do I want to push away the good guy because I feel like I don't deserve to be happy? How come I just can't be happy in the moment instead of keep worrying about what might happen or the what if's with the bad one? It is just driving me a little bit crazy right now. So, hopefully when I talk to my counselor today I will get some of these feelings sorted out.

Last night was the first night that I started packing. The first night where I started going through my stuff and seeing what was missing. And when I was going through it, I just felt empty. After digging through the first couple boxes I just let it go. Just closed them up and put them away because I don't want to feel that heartache. Not right now. Not ever. I even opened up the box we had kept our Christmas stuff in, then closed it up again. It is just easier right now to just not go through it, I think. Just pack it up and move it. It is just stuff. Stuff we bought together that now means nothing to him, apparently. I guess I should be thankful he didn't just take everything he felt like taking and he left all of the "questionable" stuff with me...But I don't even want to go through it, just like the other boxes, I just want to close them and push them away. Just like they will be put in the closet of my new place. Out of sight out of mind, right?

Don't know why I am having such a bad day today...why I can't be happy like everyone else. Why he just moved on and is happy in his new life and I am still struggling to make it through each day. I guess there will always be good and bad days...maybe everything is just coming out right now because I am scared about my surgery tomorrow. I just don't want to push people away that deserve to be close, and pull people in that don't deserve to even be near me...

Kim

Friday, November 30, 2007

Dear Granna,

Last night I signed a one year lease on my dream apartment. It is such a relief to have found a place I can call my own. I am going to move in the middle of the month. The only scary thing is packing and moving, but being in a new place is exciting! I can't wait to decorate and start buying matching furniture. I think I might stay in this place for a while. A year at least! If not longer. That way I have a place to live while I'm finishing up my Paralegal Certification. And if I get into Law School in San Diego, then I'll still have a good place to live. Look at me, I'm already thinking it is going to be a great place. What if there is a problem? I don't think there will be...but I get worried. My sister keeps telling me about all the crimes that happen in the area, but at the same time...there is crime everywhere anyway, I just have to make sure I am not a victim.

Coming up with the money for a deposit was fun. I had to put it on two different credit cards, but once I get the deposit back from my current place, I should be able to pay off the debt. Also will be getting some good money back from tax time, and supposedly I get a Christmas bonus, so it will all work out in the end. Hopefully I will be able to pull together enough money to get everyone little Christmas gifts, though I have to admit, I am going to miss your gift to me this year. You always gave me the best stuff. Another year without you is not any easier. Mom is going to be out of town too, so I am going to spend it with some friends, it is just not the same. It seems like Mom has been copping out of holidays with us for as long as I can remember. Even when we were little she sent us to Dad's house so she could go elsewhere. Will she ever come around and actually want to be with us on the holidays? My therapist says I have to stop wanting her to be a Mom and just realize that is who she is. Doesn't make it any easier now. It's why I miss you so much. You filled that Mom void...

I better get back to work.

Kim

Monday, November 26, 2007

Dear Granna,

I can't believe November is almost over already. It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in the New Year and now it is almost gone. This coming year is going to have so many changes, I don't think I am going to know what to do with myself. Today I am waiting to hear back from my dream house...every time I think of it, it is warm and welcoming and I can't wait to make it my own. As soon as I hear back from the Landlady, I can finally put my notice in on my current place and start packing and get ready to move out. There is nothing more that I want right now than to move on. Right now I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about the future, as to before where I would be filled with dread and fear and didn't want to face it. But I am strong, and I can do this. The wheel is starting to turn and life is starting to look good for the first time in as long as I can remember. Some things are scary, but it is a good fear.

The fog in my mind is starting to lift and I'm finally starting to feel like me again.

Kim

November 19, 2007

Dear Granna,

Over the weekend I dug down deep and pulled out all of the strength I could and told the dirtbag who keeps breaking my heart that I wont be his doormat anymore. I told him that I put entirely too much effort into trying to be good enough for him and no matter how hard I tried, I always end up feeling like shit around him and he was the only person in the world who has ever made me feel like that. And it has to stop. Basically I will not be around someone who treats me like I have no value. If he wants me in his life, he is going to have to make the effort. Beyond that, I'm not going to call him or talk to him unless he initiates. It doesn't hurt right now, either. Even though he is not talking to me, I am not hurting. Because I am worth so much more. I deserve to be with people who want to be around me. And it is his loss that he thinks it is okay to treat me poorly, because I wont have it anymore.

I am glad I finally got to this point and shoved back for a change. I spend too much time taking a beating and never standing up for myself. It feels good. I feel strong, empowered. There is not going to be any compromising to make him happy. It should not have to be that way. Why should I have to bend over backwords to please him, when he should be trying to please me? That is the way it is going to be. So help me. I will stay strong. Because I am a good person and I deserve to be treated as such. Not like some whore that can be used and pitched aside and walked on when he is feeling malicious. Oh no. Not anymore.

I had a pretty good weekend. I came to that revelation on Saturday, then Saturday night I stayed home alone and played on my computer. Sunday I met up with a really nice man and we spend the whole day together and I really felt important and wanted, you know? So it is good to know where are...well...good guys out there. Right now I am content. I don't know why, I just am. I know that there are people out there who will treat me like I deserve to be treated. I deserve to be happy, not to be miserable. And maybe I will find it sooner than I think, huh?

Kim

Thursday, November 14, 2007

Dear Granna,

It is getting harder. I thought it would get easier, but every time I think about what I had it only burns in my chest more. Will this feeling ever go away? Will I ever be whole again like I was? I am trying my best to just move on, but so far I have been struggling. Wanting to make things right. Wanting to prove to myself that I am not the one that failed...because that is all I feel like - a failure. I wish I could grab onto the anger I feel of being hurt and betrayed and left alone, but somehow I always hold onto the sadness. Maybe I feel better feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I just don't like myself when I am angry. I know that I can make it through this, but the wound is still so fresh...

So far my search for a new place to live has brought up nothing. I have seen a few, but none of them felt like home - except for one. When I went into it I instantly felt at peace and knew that if I could have it, I would. So I said I wanted it. It has been two days and I have not heard anything from the landlord or anyone else. I know this is all a lesson in patience, but when you are so eager to move on with your life, who has patience? I wish I didn't have this feeling of dread in my stomach that I will not actually get this place...because the feeling I had when I was in it...and getting my hopes up...it's all going to be for nothing, right? I guess by the end of the week if I don't hear anything back, I'll give a call again and let them know I am looking for another place. Only because I can't be strung along and have my hopes up for nothing.

Aside from that, I am trying to adjust to being alone. My house is clean, my dog is happy, but my glass is always half empty. The only time I feel whole again is when I am out with friends, but why do I have to have people to feel that way? Why can't I satisfy myself? I guess it is just going to take some time to look inward and find out why I feel the need for other people to make me feel complete.

Lets not even go into the bastard who takes advantage of me and then hurts me repeatedly for his own sick pleasure. Sometimes I really think he enjoys to hurt me so he can show what power he has over me. But the more I am exposed to it, the stronger I get, right? And the easier it will be to just walk away? I am trying my best, but I wont deny that there will always be that part of me inside that wants him to love me. Maybe it is just because I know that he wont, so it is easy to want what can exist. Gives me purpose. Something to fight for. I don't think I have the strength to fight for it anymore. He is not good for me. I know it. Everyone around me knows it. I just don't know why I can't walk away. It will get easier soon, I hope.

There is another man now. Nothing more than friendship at present, but he makes me feel like there are good guys out there that wont hurt me. Then again, we always get hurt, don't we? So I am keeping this wall around my heart and hesitating, and it is going to be horrible if I let him pass me by and he really is the type of person I need. Who knows anymore. I don't know. My whole life is just a bundle of mixed up emotions and hopes and sorrows...I just wish they would all go away.

Need to be strong, right?

Kim

November 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

It has been some time since I have written last and so much has happened since then. I have made some stupid mistakes and paid the price, and right now I am suffering for them. I have been left alone. The person who I thought would always be there for me has abandoned me, and there is nothing left inside me or my home. So I am looking for a new place to call home, looking for new strength to carry on and hoping that I can make it through. There have been some times when I thought that I couldn’t, and it frightened me. Where I always thought that it would just be better to disappear and no one would have to worry about me anymore, but I just can’t do that. I don’t want to leave this life without leaving a mark on the world, you know? Someone has to know my name. I have to do something great before I go. Do you think I will be able to do that?

So this afternoon I am going to look at my own apartment. All of the change that has been happening lately really is leading me towards a new path and a new life. I suppose in my heart of hearts I wanted to have the slate wiped clean, but I didn’t think it would all happen at once. You just have to go with it, right? Please show me what I need to do to be strong. I am wavering in between weakness and helplessness and that just isn’t who I am. I will make it through this, right?

As for the man who always breaks my heart, I fear things have taken a turn for the worst. Somehow I keep ending up in his bed and every time I kick myself afterwards. I don’t want to be in love with him. I can’t. I wont. Only because he will never feel the same and he will only hurt me. So why do I keep falling prey to him? Or this time around am I the one using him? I wish that was true. Right now my heart is numb. The relationship I had before really slammed closed and I don’t want to open up to anyone anymore. So is it safe to keep making the same mistake now that I am single? It doesn’t make any sense anymore. I don’t make any sense.

Hopefully I will get this all sorted out.

Kim

Friday, September 14, 2007

Dear Granna,

I need your strength right now...To save me from doing something foolish, or getting myself hurt again. I prayed for your strength last night to help me walk away...or to help him figure out what he really wants. Needless to say, I can't handle being hurt again. Not by him. It would be so much easier to just walk away, wouldn't it? But something always holds me back...makes me believe that there might be some kind of reason why we keep ending up walking down this road together. It would just be easier to crush that hope and move on. Or have him, once and for all, tell me why he does this to me then leave me be.

I don't understand. I never have understood. What makes me so absolutely worthless to him...so unlovable, so cheap. It is becoming clear that he sees me just as some tool to entertain himself when he is having trouble in his life...why does he never think about me and how I feel? At the same time...why, when he is with me, does he make me feel like I am the only woman in the universe that matters? Then when he goes away, I feel like crap again? Why...after seven years...why can't he see how amazing I am and fall in love with me? Why does he constantly choose other women and not see me, standing on the sidelines, waiting?

I'm so tired of waiting. I'm so tired of hoping. I just want those feelings gone. And there are really only two solutions to that, isn't there? He can either leave my life for good...and we can forego this stupid dance that we always have...or he can end up having feelings for me so that I can feel justified. I am pretty certain he is going to have to go. I think he is scared. That, or he is right, he is too much of a dirtbag and I am too good for him.

Why do I have to sit and cry and hurt while he gets to go off and be ignorant to it all? Please, please, please give me the strength I always felt in you to carry on. To keep my shoulders back and my chin up and not slip into some horrible depression of not feeling good enough.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Dear Granna,

Is it in our nature to trust too easily? Or did you not trust at all? I know Mom trusts entirely too easily and ends up getting hurt...and me...well, I try not to trust, but deep down in side I do, and then I only up getting hurt. Or maybe I don't trust and that is why I feel the way I do. I wish I could just trust people to do what they said they were going to, but for some strange reason they never do...so why should I believe them?

The dirtbag I mentioned before...we've gone out a couple times, and I enjoy spending time with him, but I'm not an idiot. I want to be strong and make him suffer like he made me suffer so many times before. Is something wrong with me? Really? But at the same time, I swear he loves making me suffer because he must enjoy breaking my heart. For no other reason than he knows he can. Right now I am trying my best to distance myself from him and be mean to him, so he gets the picture. Why does he persist, I wonder? There is no legitimate feelings there, that I am sure of. He is a bastard and goes where his privates take him...I don't know why he always has to rely on me to put him back on the right track...and why I always let him.

My most recent EX hit me last night. I don't even know what happened...I was being rude, I suppose...and I grabbed his phone to listen to a message and he hauled off and hit me, and told me it wasn't my phone. I swore my whole life that no man would ever lay his hand on me...and I just kind of shrank back and moved away when what I should have done was hauled off and beaten the life out of him. How dare he! How dare he think that that behavior is okay. I know it is awkward for us because we are still living together for the time being, but for him to think that he has to prove something by smacking me around...no way. Whatever friendship we had...it's gone now. Part of me can't wait to be rid of him...part of me wants him to hit me again, so that I can lay into him and show him who the real me is...

The rest of me asks me what the hell I am doing with my life...and why I can't just disappear.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Dear Granna,

One of my friends told me yesterday that the reason I was so down on myself is because I wanted to be strong like you...but the difference between you and I was experience...And that is how you are so strong, and I am not. I think I have had enough experience for one lifetime. I'm tired of being hurt and disappointed. It just takes too much of a toll on me...The worst part is, I'm pathetic for just wanting to give up.

I figured out what bothered me so much yesterday about the boy whom I always pay the same game with...Every time he comes around, I want to weasle into his life and destroy his. That scares me. I want to be able to play the game well enough that he'll in turn trust me and fall for me so that I can ultimately ruin him...and that sort of revenge plagues my mind. It is a natural human response to want to hurt people who have hurt you...but to this extent? How long will I hold on to this. I try to let it go, but for some reason, I just go into the same cycle and become a person who I am afraid of. Ever had times like that?

The worst part is, with this new realization I just want my whole being to turn to ice, so I no longer have to worry about wanting someone or dreaming about the future...that I can be content with myself so that I don't put myself at risk and in turn risk wanting to hurt other people. How does one become cold, though? I've tried it before, and yet I still manage to get myself hurt.

I'm tired of the whole idea of love. I'm not even sure it exists anymore. Passionate Love, that is...the love between family exists on some level, but the love between two people...it has got to just be chemical reactions to fufil and overall primal need and then once that need is filled, those chemicals fade...then what? I just want those ideas and those chemicals to stop firing off in my brain and whatever else.

I've given up. Really I have. I don't have anything to show for my brief time on this earth accept for a broken heart and no desire for a future.

Kim

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Dear Granna,

What is wrong with me? I ended a relationship that contained no love on my end, and he still worships me. We still live together and every time I see him I hurt because I know in my heart we will never be able to patch things up again. Ontop of that, I seek the attention of someone who has repeatedly broken my heart -- and I swear he enjoys it every time. Is it the challenge of wanting him to love me the way I loved him? Do I have something to prove to myself every time I go through this? How come I can't get the lesson through my head that this will only end in heartbreak?

Part of me lacks love all together. I want to be cold inside so I don't have to feel hurt...but with that same coldness I wont be able to feel joy. Already I am struggling with myself to not give my heart completely away, and the more I cling to it, the more nauseous I get and pray that it will never be given away again.

It doesn't make any sense. I lack your wisdom and guidance that I always sought out. I wish you could lend me the strength that allowed you to raise your children on your own and shun those who would hurt you. I used to be such a strong, amazing woman, and now I feel weak. Vunerable. And I hate it. Hate every minute of it. I don't want to long for love and happiness. I want to be done with stupid fantasies of being married and having a family of my own. Life is a journey with hardships, I know, but I just don't want to face them anymore.

Where did my strength go? I need it back.

Kim