Dear Granna,
I need your strength right now...To save me from doing something foolish, or getting myself hurt again. I prayed for your strength last night to help me walk away...or to help him figure out what he really wants. Needless to say, I can't handle being hurt again. Not by him. It would be so much easier to just walk away, wouldn't it? But something always holds me back...makes me believe that there might be some kind of reason why we keep ending up walking down this road together. It would just be easier to crush that hope and move on. Or have him, once and for all, tell me why he does this to me then leave me be.
I don't understand. I never have understood. What makes me so absolutely worthless to him...so unlovable, so cheap. It is becoming clear that he sees me just as some tool to entertain himself when he is having trouble in his life...why does he never think about me and how I feel? At the same time...why, when he is with me, does he make me feel like I am the only woman in the universe that matters? Then when he goes away, I feel like crap again? Why...after seven years...why can't he see how amazing I am and fall in love with me? Why does he constantly choose other women and not see me, standing on the sidelines, waiting?
I'm so tired of waiting. I'm so tired of hoping. I just want those feelings gone. And there are really only two solutions to that, isn't there? He can either leave my life for good...and we can forego this stupid dance that we always have...or he can end up having feelings for me so that I can feel justified. I am pretty certain he is going to have to go. I think he is scared. That, or he is right, he is too much of a dirtbag and I am too good for him.
Why do I have to sit and cry and hurt while he gets to go off and be ignorant to it all? Please, please, please give me the strength I always felt in you to carry on. To keep my shoulders back and my chin up and not slip into some horrible depression of not feeling good enough.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Dear Granna,
Is it in our nature to trust too easily? Or did you not trust at all? I know Mom trusts entirely too easily and ends up getting hurt...and me...well, I try not to trust, but deep down in side I do, and then I only up getting hurt. Or maybe I don't trust and that is why I feel the way I do. I wish I could just trust people to do what they said they were going to, but for some strange reason they never do...so why should I believe them?
The dirtbag I mentioned before...we've gone out a couple times, and I enjoy spending time with him, but I'm not an idiot. I want to be strong and make him suffer like he made me suffer so many times before. Is something wrong with me? Really? But at the same time, I swear he loves making me suffer because he must enjoy breaking my heart. For no other reason than he knows he can. Right now I am trying my best to distance myself from him and be mean to him, so he gets the picture. Why does he persist, I wonder? There is no legitimate feelings there, that I am sure of. He is a bastard and goes where his privates take him...I don't know why he always has to rely on me to put him back on the right track...and why I always let him.
My most recent EX hit me last night. I don't even know what happened...I was being rude, I suppose...and I grabbed his phone to listen to a message and he hauled off and hit me, and told me it wasn't my phone. I swore my whole life that no man would ever lay his hand on me...and I just kind of shrank back and moved away when what I should have done was hauled off and beaten the life out of him. How dare he! How dare he think that that behavior is okay. I know it is awkward for us because we are still living together for the time being, but for him to think that he has to prove something by smacking me around...no way. Whatever friendship we had...it's gone now. Part of me can't wait to be rid of him...part of me wants him to hit me again, so that I can lay into him and show him who the real me is...
The rest of me asks me what the hell I am doing with my life...and why I can't just disappear.
Is it in our nature to trust too easily? Or did you not trust at all? I know Mom trusts entirely too easily and ends up getting hurt...and me...well, I try not to trust, but deep down in side I do, and then I only up getting hurt. Or maybe I don't trust and that is why I feel the way I do. I wish I could just trust people to do what they said they were going to, but for some strange reason they never do...so why should I believe them?
The dirtbag I mentioned before...we've gone out a couple times, and I enjoy spending time with him, but I'm not an idiot. I want to be strong and make him suffer like he made me suffer so many times before. Is something wrong with me? Really? But at the same time, I swear he loves making me suffer because he must enjoy breaking my heart. For no other reason than he knows he can. Right now I am trying my best to distance myself from him and be mean to him, so he gets the picture. Why does he persist, I wonder? There is no legitimate feelings there, that I am sure of. He is a bastard and goes where his privates take him...I don't know why he always has to rely on me to put him back on the right track...and why I always let him.
My most recent EX hit me last night. I don't even know what happened...I was being rude, I suppose...and I grabbed his phone to listen to a message and he hauled off and hit me, and told me it wasn't my phone. I swore my whole life that no man would ever lay his hand on me...and I just kind of shrank back and moved away when what I should have done was hauled off and beaten the life out of him. How dare he! How dare he think that that behavior is okay. I know it is awkward for us because we are still living together for the time being, but for him to think that he has to prove something by smacking me around...no way. Whatever friendship we had...it's gone now. Part of me can't wait to be rid of him...part of me wants him to hit me again, so that I can lay into him and show him who the real me is...
The rest of me asks me what the hell I am doing with my life...and why I can't just disappear.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)