Friday, September 14, 2007

Dear Granna,

I need your strength right now...To save me from doing something foolish, or getting myself hurt again. I prayed for your strength last night to help me walk away...or to help him figure out what he really wants. Needless to say, I can't handle being hurt again. Not by him. It would be so much easier to just walk away, wouldn't it? But something always holds me back...makes me believe that there might be some kind of reason why we keep ending up walking down this road together. It would just be easier to crush that hope and move on. Or have him, once and for all, tell me why he does this to me then leave me be.

I don't understand. I never have understood. What makes me so absolutely worthless to him...so unlovable, so cheap. It is becoming clear that he sees me just as some tool to entertain himself when he is having trouble in his life...why does he never think about me and how I feel? At the same time...why, when he is with me, does he make me feel like I am the only woman in the universe that matters? Then when he goes away, I feel like crap again? Why...after seven years...why can't he see how amazing I am and fall in love with me? Why does he constantly choose other women and not see me, standing on the sidelines, waiting?

I'm so tired of waiting. I'm so tired of hoping. I just want those feelings gone. And there are really only two solutions to that, isn't there? He can either leave my life for good...and we can forego this stupid dance that we always have...or he can end up having feelings for me so that I can feel justified. I am pretty certain he is going to have to go. I think he is scared. That, or he is right, he is too much of a dirtbag and I am too good for him.

Why do I have to sit and cry and hurt while he gets to go off and be ignorant to it all? Please, please, please give me the strength I always felt in you to carry on. To keep my shoulders back and my chin up and not slip into some horrible depression of not feeling good enough.