Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Dear Granna,

Is it in our nature to trust too easily? Or did you not trust at all? I know Mom trusts entirely too easily and ends up getting hurt...and me...well, I try not to trust, but deep down in side I do, and then I only up getting hurt. Or maybe I don't trust and that is why I feel the way I do. I wish I could just trust people to do what they said they were going to, but for some strange reason they never do...so why should I believe them?

The dirtbag I mentioned before...we've gone out a couple times, and I enjoy spending time with him, but I'm not an idiot. I want to be strong and make him suffer like he made me suffer so many times before. Is something wrong with me? Really? But at the same time, I swear he loves making me suffer because he must enjoy breaking my heart. For no other reason than he knows he can. Right now I am trying my best to distance myself from him and be mean to him, so he gets the picture. Why does he persist, I wonder? There is no legitimate feelings there, that I am sure of. He is a bastard and goes where his privates take him...I don't know why he always has to rely on me to put him back on the right track...and why I always let him.

My most recent EX hit me last night. I don't even know what happened...I was being rude, I suppose...and I grabbed his phone to listen to a message and he hauled off and hit me, and told me it wasn't my phone. I swore my whole life that no man would ever lay his hand on me...and I just kind of shrank back and moved away when what I should have done was hauled off and beaten the life out of him. How dare he! How dare he think that that behavior is okay. I know it is awkward for us because we are still living together for the time being, but for him to think that he has to prove something by smacking me around...no way. Whatever friendship we had...it's gone now. Part of me can't wait to be rid of him...part of me wants him to hit me again, so that I can lay into him and show him who the real me is...

The rest of me asks me what the hell I am doing with my life...and why I can't just disappear.