Dear Granna,
I mentioned previously that I was smitted with a guy who I hardly knew...while those feelings have faded because he did not try to contact me, I find myself down another perilous path with romance. Right now my hands are shaking because I am meeting another new face tonight and I worry that he is not going to be what I expect and I am not going to be what he expects. Then part of me is scared, what if it is perfect? What if we get along so great and date more? Then what? I'd rather prepare for the worst and deal with the disappointment...instead of wondering the what-if's. It is strange, though. I swore I would no longer look for love, that I would wait for it to find me, and here I am again, wondering if this might be it. If he might be the one. I need to stop thinking about that, I need to come back down to reality and realize that there might not be a "one" for me and just go with the flow. But why does my heart race when I think about finding him?
I guess we'll see what happens when we meet tonight for the first time. I'll see if we really get along in person as well as we do over the phone. I've had so many disappointments in the past few months, that I don't know what to expect. Though, I didn't meet him through World of Warcraft, and he lives in San Diego (county) so there is no long distance to worry about...what am I thinking? I have to stop planning my future! We don't even know each other! These romantic notions need to go! Perhaps it is just because I am a writer and when I write in my fictional world, love that lasts through lifetimes exists and I want it so badly to exist in my world too. Maybe if I wrote about reality I wouldn't have to feel like this.
How did you do it, Granna? How did you wall up your heart? I need to know the secret.
Though, Mom said something strange to me yesterday when I was telling her about my upcoming date...because of all the strange coinsedensces...there are strange things about this one that no one has ever gotten about me before. Mom said maybe you sent him to me...and it made my heart flutter. It still makes my heart flutter thinking about it... But then we go back to fighting the romantic notion that things like that happen. I just need to be on my guard...go, meet a friend, have fun...and not worry about the future, don't I?
I guess we'll see what happens. Hopefully I wont be disappointed. Hopefully he wont be disappointed, either.
Kim
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Dear Granna,
It is funny how you swear you are done with dating...you close yourself off to the world and say that you are prepared to be single and are going to embrace it so you can become a stronger, better person...and suddenly you are thrown into a situation where you wished you had the bravery to pass out your phone number so that you could get back in that ring!
Friday I was smitten. And completely by surprise. He walked around the corner, I was introduced and my heart jumped. We spent some time with friends on Friday and I laughed with them and watched him. Saturday night I came up for a party and I laughed and drank with him, hugged on him, took him in...and left him my number. The sad part is, I am trying to prepare myself for him not to call. I mean, from what I hear about him, he is in a work-aholic mode and doesn't want to be dating...but I had to give him my number at lease and just leave it up to fate, I guess. Maybe he'll have seen something in me that will make him want to call me...or maybe he wont. I wont to embrace the romantic notion that he was smitten by me and will call me, but at the same time, I can't handle the disappointment. It is better to just enjoy the fact that I had a good weekend and leave it at that. That I still have it in me to light up a room and have a good time instead of being anti-social and hiding away from everyone. Though believe me, the next morning I was wondering how I managed to survive. I'm getting old.
I need to stop looking and stop hoping to fill the void I still have. I need to fill it with something else...dig my heels into Kung Fu, spend more time with my dog, stop wanting someone else to fix it and patch it myself. I'm really trying here. In fact, I am trying to swear off dating in general and just go out with friends and have a good time, but it is funny when a moment like that will take your resolve completely away. Maybe it is a stretch...maybe I am just reaching and trying to grab onto anything that comes my way.
I just don't know anymore. All I know is, this weekend I had a good time, for the first time in as long as I can remember I laughed with a bunch of people and felt wanted and entertaining and exotic and everything. It was a good feeling. I suppose it was because they didn't KNOW me like the people I used to hang out with knew me...but life is about meeting new people, right? Hopefully I will get the opportunity to see them again, and if not...it was fun while it lasted. I'll remember the weekend for a long time, that is certain.
Kim
It is funny how you swear you are done with dating...you close yourself off to the world and say that you are prepared to be single and are going to embrace it so you can become a stronger, better person...and suddenly you are thrown into a situation where you wished you had the bravery to pass out your phone number so that you could get back in that ring!
Friday I was smitten. And completely by surprise. He walked around the corner, I was introduced and my heart jumped. We spent some time with friends on Friday and I laughed with them and watched him. Saturday night I came up for a party and I laughed and drank with him, hugged on him, took him in...and left him my number. The sad part is, I am trying to prepare myself for him not to call. I mean, from what I hear about him, he is in a work-aholic mode and doesn't want to be dating...but I had to give him my number at lease and just leave it up to fate, I guess. Maybe he'll have seen something in me that will make him want to call me...or maybe he wont. I wont to embrace the romantic notion that he was smitten by me and will call me, but at the same time, I can't handle the disappointment. It is better to just enjoy the fact that I had a good weekend and leave it at that. That I still have it in me to light up a room and have a good time instead of being anti-social and hiding away from everyone. Though believe me, the next morning I was wondering how I managed to survive. I'm getting old.
I need to stop looking and stop hoping to fill the void I still have. I need to fill it with something else...dig my heels into Kung Fu, spend more time with my dog, stop wanting someone else to fix it and patch it myself. I'm really trying here. In fact, I am trying to swear off dating in general and just go out with friends and have a good time, but it is funny when a moment like that will take your resolve completely away. Maybe it is a stretch...maybe I am just reaching and trying to grab onto anything that comes my way.
I just don't know anymore. All I know is, this weekend I had a good time, for the first time in as long as I can remember I laughed with a bunch of people and felt wanted and entertaining and exotic and everything. It was a good feeling. I suppose it was because they didn't KNOW me like the people I used to hang out with knew me...but life is about meeting new people, right? Hopefully I will get the opportunity to see them again, and if not...it was fun while it lasted. I'll remember the weekend for a long time, that is certain.
Kim
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