Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Dear Granna,

I mentioned previously that I was smitted with a guy who I hardly knew...while those feelings have faded because he did not try to contact me, I find myself down another perilous path with romance. Right now my hands are shaking because I am meeting another new face tonight and I worry that he is not going to be what I expect and I am not going to be what he expects. Then part of me is scared, what if it is perfect? What if we get along so great and date more? Then what? I'd rather prepare for the worst and deal with the disappointment...instead of wondering the what-if's. It is strange, though. I swore I would no longer look for love, that I would wait for it to find me, and here I am again, wondering if this might be it. If he might be the one. I need to stop thinking about that, I need to come back down to reality and realize that there might not be a "one" for me and just go with the flow. But why does my heart race when I think about finding him?

I guess we'll see what happens when we meet tonight for the first time. I'll see if we really get along in person as well as we do over the phone. I've had so many disappointments in the past few months, that I don't know what to expect. Though, I didn't meet him through World of Warcraft, and he lives in San Diego (county) so there is no long distance to worry about...what am I thinking? I have to stop planning my future! We don't even know each other! These romantic notions need to go! Perhaps it is just because I am a writer and when I write in my fictional world, love that lasts through lifetimes exists and I want it so badly to exist in my world too. Maybe if I wrote about reality I wouldn't have to feel like this.

How did you do it, Granna? How did you wall up your heart? I need to know the secret.

Though, Mom said something strange to me yesterday when I was telling her about my upcoming date...because of all the strange coinsedensces...there are strange things about this one that no one has ever gotten about me before. Mom said maybe you sent him to me...and it made my heart flutter. It still makes my heart flutter thinking about it... But then we go back to fighting the romantic notion that things like that happen. I just need to be on my guard...go, meet a friend, have fun...and not worry about the future, don't I?

I guess we'll see what happens. Hopefully I wont be disappointed. Hopefully he wont be disappointed, either.

Kim