Monday, April 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

It is funny how you swear you are done with dating...you close yourself off to the world and say that you are prepared to be single and are going to embrace it so you can become a stronger, better person...and suddenly you are thrown into a situation where you wished you had the bravery to pass out your phone number so that you could get back in that ring!

Friday I was smitten. And completely by surprise. He walked around the corner, I was introduced and my heart jumped. We spent some time with friends on Friday and I laughed with them and watched him. Saturday night I came up for a party and I laughed and drank with him, hugged on him, took him in...and left him my number. The sad part is, I am trying to prepare myself for him not to call. I mean, from what I hear about him, he is in a work-aholic mode and doesn't want to be dating...but I had to give him my number at lease and just leave it up to fate, I guess. Maybe he'll have seen something in me that will make him want to call me...or maybe he wont. I wont to embrace the romantic notion that he was smitten by me and will call me, but at the same time, I can't handle the disappointment. It is better to just enjoy the fact that I had a good weekend and leave it at that. That I still have it in me to light up a room and have a good time instead of being anti-social and hiding away from everyone. Though believe me, the next morning I was wondering how I managed to survive. I'm getting old.

I need to stop looking and stop hoping to fill the void I still have. I need to fill it with something else...dig my heels into Kung Fu, spend more time with my dog, stop wanting someone else to fix it and patch it myself. I'm really trying here. In fact, I am trying to swear off dating in general and just go out with friends and have a good time, but it is funny when a moment like that will take your resolve completely away. Maybe it is a stretch...maybe I am just reaching and trying to grab onto anything that comes my way.

I just don't know anymore. All I know is, this weekend I had a good time, for the first time in as long as I can remember I laughed with a bunch of people and felt wanted and entertaining and exotic and everything. It was a good feeling. I suppose it was because they didn't KNOW me like the people I used to hang out with knew me...but life is about meeting new people, right? Hopefully I will get the opportunity to see them again, and if not...it was fun while it lasted. I'll remember the weekend for a long time, that is certain.

Kim