Dear Granna,
My aim is certainly off. I can't control how I feel. People are not who they appear to be. It is all one big mess, and I am recoiling again. I am wondering what I did to end up here and why I can't just have happiness and peace in my life. What is the greater lesson I am supposed to learn here? Why do I keep thinking of Nick and get filled with regret? Why does it seem like he was the only person meant for me and now I am destined to be alone because I was stupid? Am I just supposed to be content being single and let the chips fall where they may? Or am I supposed to continue to seek out the missing love I need to fill the void?
Nothing makes sense anymore. I am tired of heartbreak and disappointment. I am tired of hurting and wanting. I am just plain tired. I suppose I need to do a better job of embracing my independence and just be pleased with that. I mean, I enjoy my space and my home, I enjoy the freedom to come and go as I please, but it always feels like something is missing. Maybe that is Mom in me. She always had to have a man in her life because her family wasn't good enough. Family should be good enough for me. I should be content having good friends and people around me and go from there. Why do I have to keep looking to the past and recounting all my mistakes and wondering what I could have done different?
Everyone know Nick and I were no good for one another. We came from two separate worlds, but there were times when we were so beside ourselves in love that nothing else mattered. We were going to make it through anything...and I failed him.
Maybe I am going through the stages of grieving again. Maybe this is the natural state of things while I continue to grow and heal. I mean, it has been almost six months since we separated...shouldn't it be easier by now? Should I stop going back into a "funk" because I think about it? Every time I meet a new guy, someone who adores me, I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to continue forward (or they can't stand me!) Maybe it is too soon. I'm probably not ready. I need to have a more clear head and a stronger heart. Take fate into my own hands. Maybe it is time for dating hiatus. They say that when you are least expecting it, love will come to you. From this point forward, I'm just going to be me and be happy with myself and go from there.
I need your strength right now. Please show me how you did it for long.
Kim
The last few years of my Grandmother's life, I sent her handwritten letters on a regular basis. She was my best friend and my confidant. When she passed away a part of me went with her and I realized it was because she was the only one I could really open up to. I have created this blog to write to her once more, hoping that wherever she is now, maybe she can read it...and know I will never be the same without her.
About Me
- Kim
- "If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile... But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me."
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