Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dear Granna,

As I write this, it feels like my heart will explode. The man I mentioned previously is coming down at the end of the week and I can hardly contain my excitement. I know that I told myself I was going to keep a part of me from him so that I wouldn't be hurt and disappointed if things didn't turn out how I wanted them to, but it was a battle I ultimately lost. He had mentioned his best friend had been teasing him about talking to me so much, to which he said he responded to his friend without missing a beat that he loved me and that was that. At that point I tumbled over the edge and now I am falling, bracing for the possible impact when he retracts his arms from catching me. Although, right now the fall is the best part. The butterflies you get when someone says they love you is worth all of the pain and suffering I have endured over the past months. He found me. He is coming to me. I am just waiting. It is so different because I am so used to being the one who takes the first step. I always chase, I always get burned. For the first time in my life someone wants me. I hope I can live up to all his expectations of me...as I hope he can live up to mine.

I know this is a learning experience for the both of us, as I am still unsure about being in a relationship just yet...and he says he has never been in love like this before...so we will take it slow. I will take his hand and we will be partners, like you always said to look for. Someone I can stand toe-to-toe with...not someone who leads or someone who follows.

Perhaps I am too far ahead of myself. I am counting all of my chickens before they catch. He may meet me and decide that he doesn't really love me like he thinks he does...but I will have to be okay with that. In life you take risks. This is another one of those "what if" situations that I am knocking out. If it doesn't work, we tried. That's all that matters. Hopefully if that does happen it will end differenly than it did with Josh. He completely shoved me out of his life and made me feel like I had no value to him at all. And it hurt. I was already bleeding and he made sure to tear open that wound just a little wider. But Brian was there to put pressure on it...to help me heal, so, if nothing else, perhaps Brian and I will remain very good friends because he will always have a place in my heart.

I am finally moving on. It feels wonderful.

Kim