Dear Granna,
We had a good weekend. As I write this, my heart is pounding in my chest. Ever since I found that song that so accurately represents my entire situation right now, I've been struggling. I think I fell this weekend, and I'm trying to talk some sense into myself because if I admit that I've fallen...then it is going to be all the more difficult when this finally comes to an end.
In the deepest part of my heart I hope it doesn't...when I'm with him I actually feel like we could make a good future. We're so much alike, but so different that we still would be able to teach each other things. Right now I hope we're establishing a good base for what can be long lasting love...but is it all a pipe dream, Granna?
I know these are all irrational things to be thinking about someone I've only known for such a short time, it just feels natural. Feels right. But maybe that is just for me. I feel like he is coming around, that he is seeing I'm not going to hurt him and he can open up to me and I will never judge him... Or is that my romantic side coming through and I'm not seeing the real picture? I don't know anymore.
He spoke to his friends and family this weekend, and when he did he mentioned my name directly, which means they know about me. Instead of "I'm Out," like it used to be, it was "I'm with Kim."
Is that my sign, Granna?
I asked you the other night to give me some kind of sign to see if I should hold on or if I should run. Then I heard the song, and heard him on the phone... I don't want to read too deeply into anything, but at this point...I just...it is going to hurt. And I didn't want to get to this point so soon. Then again, you can't control how you feel, I guess.
If this is supposed to be it...please give me the strength to hold on...and if this is not...when it ends, give me strength to move on.
Kim
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Dear Granna,
I found this song the other day...it really is everything I want to say to Kyle:
Waiting - Renee Cassar
You're so scared to show emotion
That I think you're bleeding from within
And I've tried to reach inside you
And break the walls so we can begin
I've walked to hell with you
I've done it all to please you baby
And we've come so far that now I really
Need you too
Let it out
Let it out
And let me in
Let it go
Don't you know
That I'm waiting
For you
For you
I'm wanting to belong here
I'm trying to hold on and understand
That you've been through so much
That it's hard to trust someone again
My dreams are always with you
My hopes they lie within you baby
But I've tried so hard that now I really
Need you too
Let it out
Let it out
And let me in
Let it go
Don't you know
That I'm waiting
For you
I want to see you
Let me see you
Let me in
Let me in
I want to know you
The worst about you
I want to see
Everything
Everything
Let it out
Let it out
And let me in
Let it go
Don't you know
That I'm waiting
For you
For you
For you
For you
I just wish I could say this to him and not be afraid of his reaction...
Kim
I found this song the other day...it really is everything I want to say to Kyle:
Waiting - Renee Cassar
You're so scared to show emotion
That I think you're bleeding from within
And I've tried to reach inside you
And break the walls so we can begin
I've walked to hell with you
I've done it all to please you baby
And we've come so far that now I really
Need you too
Let it out
Let it out
And let me in
Let it go
Don't you know
That I'm waiting
For you
For you
I'm wanting to belong here
I'm trying to hold on and understand
That you've been through so much
That it's hard to trust someone again
My dreams are always with you
My hopes they lie within you baby
But I've tried so hard that now I really
Need you too
Let it out
Let it out
And let me in
Let it go
Don't you know
That I'm waiting
For you
I want to see you
Let me see you
Let me in
Let me in
I want to know you
The worst about you
I want to see
Everything
Everything
Let it out
Let it out
And let me in
Let it go
Don't you know
That I'm waiting
For you
For you
For you
For you
I just wish I could say this to him and not be afraid of his reaction...
Kim
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Dear Granna,
It's funny, how you can have all of these irrational fears, then suddenly when you're with someone, nothing matters anymore. All of my fears and insecurities disappeared last night after we spent another wonderful, peaceful evening together. Initially I was a little distant, we didn't hug or touch one another when he got there, but while we were talking, he leaned on my stoop and wouldn't let me pass him, so I gave him a sweet kiss and smiled at him. From that point on we were back in our normal groove. Touching, playing, flirting, kissing, it was fun, to say the least. We went to the store, bought groceries, and he poked fun of me while I checked out. While we were cooking dinner, he insisted on being in the kitchen with me to help, always touching me, or being close enough to me that I could breathe in his scent.
While we were waiting for dinner to finish cooking we hung out outside and he surprised me. He had ridden his motorcycle down to see me and we had it parked inside my gate and just sitting there. He is, of course, aware that I am going to be taking my motorcycle class next month and he decided he wanted me to get on his bike. Now, something you should understand is that no one gets on Kyle's bike. He gets angry if people touch it without his permission, so when he told me to get on it, I just stared at him and asked him if he was joking. He laughed at me and told me to get on after I told him he didn't let anyone on his bike and clarified that I wasn't just anyone. So, I got on, and he supported the bike for me. He wanted me to know where the brakes were, where the clutch and the shifter were, and where the foot break was. He wanted me to feel how the bike felt underneath me and see if I could support it with my legs because he wants me to be ready to ride. This act right here meant that he was admitting that he cared about me and wanted me to be safe. It gave me a flicker of hope that we are actually heading down the path to the relationship that I want. Of course, when I threw my leg over the bike I started shaking because I was so scared of hurting it because it is his baby...but he just laughed and patted me on the hand and told me to not worry. All in all, a good experience.
We ate dinner, relaxed on the couch and I massaged his shoulders during the movie. He had been feeling sore since his paintballing trip the weekend before, so I massaged out the muscles in his legs as well and just helped him relax. Later we were snuggling on the couch and I was falling asleep and he decided he needed to go (he didn't have a change of clothes on him), so he kissed me on the head a few times before I whined about him leaving, then we lingered for a while before he reluctantly got ready to go. I gave him another kiss before he put on his helmet and watched him get ready to drive away. Before he did, he looked over his shoulder and waved at me with a smile then rode off slowly. I am thinking he didn't want to go, but he got scared about wanting to stay.
Trying not to read too deeply into all of these things, but today my heart just feels full. We're going to the baseball game on Friday and Saturday we're going to the fair. We'll see if anything new and exciting develops then. I'm also going to ask him about what he is doing for the 4th of July...and see if he'll invite me up to his parents house. I think I will feel much more relaxed once I meet his family... But, I know it is still soon, so I might want to have a backup plan for the 4th...
Kim
It's funny, how you can have all of these irrational fears, then suddenly when you're with someone, nothing matters anymore. All of my fears and insecurities disappeared last night after we spent another wonderful, peaceful evening together. Initially I was a little distant, we didn't hug or touch one another when he got there, but while we were talking, he leaned on my stoop and wouldn't let me pass him, so I gave him a sweet kiss and smiled at him. From that point on we were back in our normal groove. Touching, playing, flirting, kissing, it was fun, to say the least. We went to the store, bought groceries, and he poked fun of me while I checked out. While we were cooking dinner, he insisted on being in the kitchen with me to help, always touching me, or being close enough to me that I could breathe in his scent.
While we were waiting for dinner to finish cooking we hung out outside and he surprised me. He had ridden his motorcycle down to see me and we had it parked inside my gate and just sitting there. He is, of course, aware that I am going to be taking my motorcycle class next month and he decided he wanted me to get on his bike. Now, something you should understand is that no one gets on Kyle's bike. He gets angry if people touch it without his permission, so when he told me to get on it, I just stared at him and asked him if he was joking. He laughed at me and told me to get on after I told him he didn't let anyone on his bike and clarified that I wasn't just anyone. So, I got on, and he supported the bike for me. He wanted me to know where the brakes were, where the clutch and the shifter were, and where the foot break was. He wanted me to feel how the bike felt underneath me and see if I could support it with my legs because he wants me to be ready to ride. This act right here meant that he was admitting that he cared about me and wanted me to be safe. It gave me a flicker of hope that we are actually heading down the path to the relationship that I want. Of course, when I threw my leg over the bike I started shaking because I was so scared of hurting it because it is his baby...but he just laughed and patted me on the hand and told me to not worry. All in all, a good experience.
We ate dinner, relaxed on the couch and I massaged his shoulders during the movie. He had been feeling sore since his paintballing trip the weekend before, so I massaged out the muscles in his legs as well and just helped him relax. Later we were snuggling on the couch and I was falling asleep and he decided he needed to go (he didn't have a change of clothes on him), so he kissed me on the head a few times before I whined about him leaving, then we lingered for a while before he reluctantly got ready to go. I gave him another kiss before he put on his helmet and watched him get ready to drive away. Before he did, he looked over his shoulder and waved at me with a smile then rode off slowly. I am thinking he didn't want to go, but he got scared about wanting to stay.
Trying not to read too deeply into all of these things, but today my heart just feels full. We're going to the baseball game on Friday and Saturday we're going to the fair. We'll see if anything new and exciting develops then. I'm also going to ask him about what he is doing for the 4th of July...and see if he'll invite me up to his parents house. I think I will feel much more relaxed once I meet his family... But, I know it is still soon, so I might want to have a backup plan for the 4th...
Kim
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Dear Granna,
Kyle and I are getting together tonight. We’re going to watch a movie and I’m going to make him dinner. I’ve been fighting with myself back and forth all about what I’m supposed to do about this situation because I want to be patient …but at the same time, I want to know if it is going to go anywhere. My good friend Marj has been doing such a good job of being a listening ear…here is a bit of the conversation we had this afternoon:
Marj: I just don't want you hurt. He needs to say one way or another.
Me: I know. I'm doing a really good job of not letting myself fall, though! Not yet, not until he does, dammit... :)
I keep trying to convince myself that I want to be "free" you know...that I can do this casual date thing and not get attached to anyone... I just epic fail.
Marj: You don't epic fail! <3
Me: *Sigh* Then why can't I just let him go?
Marj: It's hard. Trust me... very, very hard. But you're a strong woman - you can do it.
If it doesn't feel right 100%, don't settle because you "could" love him and he "could" love you. Find the one for you that you can love without condition and who loves you without condition. You'll know it when you find it.
Me: But I can love him...I do already, I'm just fighting being IN LOVE with him, you know? I'm trying really hard to just pull back...but when I'm with him...here's the way I can describe it best: Every day there is so much noise that I have to deal with...the noise of my own thoughts, the noise of work, of life...but when I'm with him, it all goes quiet. I can just be myself and relax. We're the only two people in the world when we're together...it is so weird...
And I know he's an asshole and he's afraid of commitment, and he is probably going to break my heart... but when I feel calm and peaceful around someone like that, I have to give them a chance to come around. Because when he does, we'll have such a powerful bond...
Maybe I'm just too romantic... Maybe I need a reality check? Boot to the head or something!
It's so horrible, too...my heart is telling me now he is falling for me, he's just scared... My brain doesn't know what to think. Stupid brain. Stupid heart. Do I trust my gut here?
Marj: That's your call. I can only tell you what I see <3
Me: And you see him as a user...huh? Or a jackass that needs a reality check?
It's just so weird, Marj...I know I complain a lot, but there's got to be a reason for all of this. I mean, there has got to be something more behind it all. The way he looks at me, or the way he wraps his arms around me whenever we are standing together or laying in bed, the way he'll lean over to kiss me just for the sake of having his lips on mine... it is just so...is that normal behavior for someone who just wants to get laid?
When we went to the Pompeii exhibit it was like we were an actual couple. He held my hand the whole time, he navigated me through the crowds and protected me...and when I'd stop to look at something, he'd wrap his arms around me, lean down and whisper in my ear about the mythology associated with the thing I was looking at. It's those moments that make me stay.
(Sigh)
That or I’m just telling you all of this to convince myself he’s not a douche.
I’m in a constant state of wondering what is going to happen and it is horrible, Granna. I want to fall, I want to give myself over to him completely, but at the same time I don’t want to because if I do and he doesn’t return it, then what do I do? But at the same time, he tells me he isn’t capable of love, but I swear I can see it in his eyes that he is falling for me. I can feel his affection when he wraps his arms around me and just breathes me in, just like I do. I know he misses me, otherwise when I freak out on him, he wouldn’t call me to reassure me that everything is okay. He wouldn’t worry about “us” being “okay” when something bad happens, unless there was an us, right?
All of these things make me wonder if I keep at it…if I keep being patient, if I will experience that powerful love that I dream about… but on the flip side…if I keep being patient, will I be absolutely destroyed when it never happens? Life is about taking risks and playing the game…if I don’t take this risk, will I always wonder what might have been? And if I get burned, at least I wont have to wonder about the “what-ifs.” I have taken so many leaps of faith this year…is this just going to be another one where I live-and-learn or will this actually turn out for the best?
Just need to keep my shoulders back, my head high, and stay strong. Something has got to give eventually. If it is meant to be, he’ll open up to me and let me in. If it’s not…then walking away will become more and more easy with time.
Kim
Kyle and I are getting together tonight. We’re going to watch a movie and I’m going to make him dinner. I’ve been fighting with myself back and forth all about what I’m supposed to do about this situation because I want to be patient …but at the same time, I want to know if it is going to go anywhere. My good friend Marj has been doing such a good job of being a listening ear…here is a bit of the conversation we had this afternoon:
Marj: I just don't want you hurt. He needs to say one way or another.
Me: I know. I'm doing a really good job of not letting myself fall, though! Not yet, not until he does, dammit... :)
I keep trying to convince myself that I want to be "free" you know...that I can do this casual date thing and not get attached to anyone... I just epic fail.
Marj: You don't epic fail! <3
Me: *Sigh* Then why can't I just let him go?
Marj: It's hard. Trust me... very, very hard. But you're a strong woman - you can do it.
If it doesn't feel right 100%, don't settle because you "could" love him and he "could" love you. Find the one for you that you can love without condition and who loves you without condition. You'll know it when you find it.
Me: But I can love him...I do already, I'm just fighting being IN LOVE with him, you know? I'm trying really hard to just pull back...but when I'm with him...here's the way I can describe it best: Every day there is so much noise that I have to deal with...the noise of my own thoughts, the noise of work, of life...but when I'm with him, it all goes quiet. I can just be myself and relax. We're the only two people in the world when we're together...it is so weird...
And I know he's an asshole and he's afraid of commitment, and he is probably going to break my heart... but when I feel calm and peaceful around someone like that, I have to give them a chance to come around. Because when he does, we'll have such a powerful bond...
Maybe I'm just too romantic... Maybe I need a reality check? Boot to the head or something!
It's so horrible, too...my heart is telling me now he is falling for me, he's just scared... My brain doesn't know what to think. Stupid brain. Stupid heart. Do I trust my gut here?
Marj: That's your call. I can only tell you what I see <3
Me: And you see him as a user...huh? Or a jackass that needs a reality check?
It's just so weird, Marj...I know I complain a lot, but there's got to be a reason for all of this. I mean, there has got to be something more behind it all. The way he looks at me, or the way he wraps his arms around me whenever we are standing together or laying in bed, the way he'll lean over to kiss me just for the sake of having his lips on mine... it is just so...is that normal behavior for someone who just wants to get laid?
When we went to the Pompeii exhibit it was like we were an actual couple. He held my hand the whole time, he navigated me through the crowds and protected me...and when I'd stop to look at something, he'd wrap his arms around me, lean down and whisper in my ear about the mythology associated with the thing I was looking at. It's those moments that make me stay.
(Sigh)
That or I’m just telling you all of this to convince myself he’s not a douche.
I’m in a constant state of wondering what is going to happen and it is horrible, Granna. I want to fall, I want to give myself over to him completely, but at the same time I don’t want to because if I do and he doesn’t return it, then what do I do? But at the same time, he tells me he isn’t capable of love, but I swear I can see it in his eyes that he is falling for me. I can feel his affection when he wraps his arms around me and just breathes me in, just like I do. I know he misses me, otherwise when I freak out on him, he wouldn’t call me to reassure me that everything is okay. He wouldn’t worry about “us” being “okay” when something bad happens, unless there was an us, right?
All of these things make me wonder if I keep at it…if I keep being patient, if I will experience that powerful love that I dream about… but on the flip side…if I keep being patient, will I be absolutely destroyed when it never happens? Life is about taking risks and playing the game…if I don’t take this risk, will I always wonder what might have been? And if I get burned, at least I wont have to wonder about the “what-ifs.” I have taken so many leaps of faith this year…is this just going to be another one where I live-and-learn or will this actually turn out for the best?
Just need to keep my shoulders back, my head high, and stay strong. Something has got to give eventually. If it is meant to be, he’ll open up to me and let me in. If it’s not…then walking away will become more and more easy with time.
Kim
Monday, June 23, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Dear Granna,
Is it wrong to want someone to keep in touch with you to make sure they are okay? I mean, just a simple text message that says, "Yeah, I'm alive," can make all of the difference in the world, you know? I worry. When I don't hear from people, I get scared. I wonder if they are dead on the side of the road somewhere and whether or not I will ever find out. And I experienced that panic this weekend. After a whole weekend of silence, I reacted out of anger to Kyle and told him if he was going to brush me off, he should just say it to my face instead of ignoring me, when in truth, I was so scared that he was hurt. And it is just easier to deal with the anger. He called me Sunday afternoon, but it still didn't stop me from wondering if I would ever find out if he was hurt.
I know we're not "together" and I shouldn't expect for someone to know to call me, but I am part of his life and I don't think it isn't a resonable request to be kept in the loop if someone gets hurt. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I'm giving myself too much value to someone who doesn't seem to value me as much as I do him. It just frustrates me to no end to sit around and worry if I will find out if he is a stain on the pavement or not.
I went out with someone else last night, too, I tried to keep an open mind to it, but, I don't know. There just wasn't a spark like there is with Kyle and I. Maybe it is because I am so blinded by my feelings for Kyle and my hopes that he will come around that I am going to miss out on my chance with another wonderful guy...or maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to stay focused on my task of healing Kyle and worry about the other people later... Regardless, I just need to learn to relax, breathe and take it one day at a time... Hopefully it wont be wasted time.
Kim
Is it wrong to want someone to keep in touch with you to make sure they are okay? I mean, just a simple text message that says, "Yeah, I'm alive," can make all of the difference in the world, you know? I worry. When I don't hear from people, I get scared. I wonder if they are dead on the side of the road somewhere and whether or not I will ever find out. And I experienced that panic this weekend. After a whole weekend of silence, I reacted out of anger to Kyle and told him if he was going to brush me off, he should just say it to my face instead of ignoring me, when in truth, I was so scared that he was hurt. And it is just easier to deal with the anger. He called me Sunday afternoon, but it still didn't stop me from wondering if I would ever find out if he was hurt.
I know we're not "together" and I shouldn't expect for someone to know to call me, but I am part of his life and I don't think it isn't a resonable request to be kept in the loop if someone gets hurt. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I'm giving myself too much value to someone who doesn't seem to value me as much as I do him. It just frustrates me to no end to sit around and worry if I will find out if he is a stain on the pavement or not.
I went out with someone else last night, too, I tried to keep an open mind to it, but, I don't know. There just wasn't a spark like there is with Kyle and I. Maybe it is because I am so blinded by my feelings for Kyle and my hopes that he will come around that I am going to miss out on my chance with another wonderful guy...or maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to stay focused on my task of healing Kyle and worry about the other people later... Regardless, I just need to learn to relax, breathe and take it one day at a time... Hopefully it wont be wasted time.
Kim
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Dear Granna,
It was...an eye-opening evening last night. I still am not entirely sure what I am supposed to do now...but do we ever really know what path we're supposed to take? Needless to say, the evening didn't end as I had hoped it would... Kyle and I were...unsafe for the first time last night, and at the time it wasn't a problem because we were in a fit of passion, but afterwards he shut down on me emotionally and practically sent me home. I felt rejected, alone, angry on my way home because I had given him my body and he couldn't even give me the courtesy of asking me to stay.
This morning I was resolved to not talk to him at all. He wants to play these games with me, he can contact me when he is ready. He called me later in the morning to apologize to me for the way he acted last night. Then he gave me the reason why. He had made himself a promise that he was never going to have unprotected sex with a woman again because of his experiences in his past. His fiance had ended up getting pregnant and then aborted the baby, and it has weighed on Kyle's shoulder's since it happened. It was so interesting to see that weakness. Almost like he feels like it is his own personal failing that things didn't work out. It's funny, because it is the same way I would feel. I always take the blame, so I know what it is like to suffer in silence. Needless to say, he said it wasn't anything about me, but he had some "self-loathing" to do last night, because he had broken the promise he made to himself. I assured him everything was fine, and I was just as much to blame, but the next time something like that happened, he needs to open up to me immediately instead of shutting down. I think he is scared of sharing his thoughts because he has been judged so harshly in the past, perhaps. I am not here to judge, I just want to understand and make sure we have open communication. Before the conversation was over, he asked if "we" were okay and I told him yes.
I am beginning to think my purpose in all of this is to heal him. Once he is healed he can move on and be happy...it may not be with me, but someone needs to help him out of this darkness. He needs to know that not everyone out there is going to hurt him and to not live in fear. I only hope I can guide him in the right direction and not get too attached or hurt in the process. It's funny, actually, to feel like I have to do this, when sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But that is what he expects, isn't it?
To further the idea that I am supposed to focus my energy on him right now, I hurt my back last night. Plans I had for tonight and tomorrow to go out with new people have been cancelled because I need to be at home resting. How odd is that?
It is time to break out the healing energy and show Kyle that it is okay to let go of the past. Please give me strength so I can do this.
Kim
It was...an eye-opening evening last night. I still am not entirely sure what I am supposed to do now...but do we ever really know what path we're supposed to take? Needless to say, the evening didn't end as I had hoped it would... Kyle and I were...unsafe for the first time last night, and at the time it wasn't a problem because we were in a fit of passion, but afterwards he shut down on me emotionally and practically sent me home. I felt rejected, alone, angry on my way home because I had given him my body and he couldn't even give me the courtesy of asking me to stay.
This morning I was resolved to not talk to him at all. He wants to play these games with me, he can contact me when he is ready. He called me later in the morning to apologize to me for the way he acted last night. Then he gave me the reason why. He had made himself a promise that he was never going to have unprotected sex with a woman again because of his experiences in his past. His fiance had ended up getting pregnant and then aborted the baby, and it has weighed on Kyle's shoulder's since it happened. It was so interesting to see that weakness. Almost like he feels like it is his own personal failing that things didn't work out. It's funny, because it is the same way I would feel. I always take the blame, so I know what it is like to suffer in silence. Needless to say, he said it wasn't anything about me, but he had some "self-loathing" to do last night, because he had broken the promise he made to himself. I assured him everything was fine, and I was just as much to blame, but the next time something like that happened, he needs to open up to me immediately instead of shutting down. I think he is scared of sharing his thoughts because he has been judged so harshly in the past, perhaps. I am not here to judge, I just want to understand and make sure we have open communication. Before the conversation was over, he asked if "we" were okay and I told him yes.
I am beginning to think my purpose in all of this is to heal him. Once he is healed he can move on and be happy...it may not be with me, but someone needs to help him out of this darkness. He needs to know that not everyone out there is going to hurt him and to not live in fear. I only hope I can guide him in the right direction and not get too attached or hurt in the process. It's funny, actually, to feel like I have to do this, when sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But that is what he expects, isn't it?
To further the idea that I am supposed to focus my energy on him right now, I hurt my back last night. Plans I had for tonight and tomorrow to go out with new people have been cancelled because I need to be at home resting. How odd is that?
It is time to break out the healing energy and show Kyle that it is okay to let go of the past. Please give me strength so I can do this.
Kim
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Tuesda, June 17, 2008
Dear Granna,
What is life without a few roadblocks, right? Kyle and I got to talking about feelings again yesterday and he came clean that he doesn't think he has the capacity to love someone right now. Which, I guess I can understand because he has been burned pretty hard over the years. He said that it wasn't a "never, ever" situation, that it will happen eventually he's sure, but right now he just doesn't know. I guess at this point it is either take it or leave it. Do I stick with this and see if I can soften him up? Or do I take the hit and bail out? I am so torn. Part of me wants to fix him, show him it is okay to open up and love, the other part of me tells me it is not my job to fix him, and I will only end up getting hurt again in the end. I remember this situation with Jason. He said he wouldn't love me ever, at least Kyle is open to the idea, right? But can I go through a relationship with someone waiting for them to figure out if it is going to happen? Or is Kyle just testing me? Is he putting up these walls to see if I care about him enough to fight through them? I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.
Surprisingly, I'm not too shaken up about it. I'm looking at it logically and accepting the fact that he has been through a lot and hardened himself over the years. It is kind of like what I have wanted to do but have never been able to. Do I give it a few more months and see if he warms up at all...? I really do enjoy spending time with him, and I could see myself with him in the future...that is why I am torn.
Don't get me wrong, I'm going to go out with other guys and have a good time, and if someone better comes a long, Kyle will have missed his chance. Kyle hasn't earned my heart yet. He doesn't deserve for me to hang on to him and make me work hard for him. I guess it is easier to be strong these days then I thought. There are so many people in the world that I shouldn't have to fight so hard. But then again, isn't fighting for what you want what makes it so great when you get it in the end? I guess we'll just see where this goes. Keeping my options open, but also holding on to that little flicker of hope.
Kim
What is life without a few roadblocks, right? Kyle and I got to talking about feelings again yesterday and he came clean that he doesn't think he has the capacity to love someone right now. Which, I guess I can understand because he has been burned pretty hard over the years. He said that it wasn't a "never, ever" situation, that it will happen eventually he's sure, but right now he just doesn't know. I guess at this point it is either take it or leave it. Do I stick with this and see if I can soften him up? Or do I take the hit and bail out? I am so torn. Part of me wants to fix him, show him it is okay to open up and love, the other part of me tells me it is not my job to fix him, and I will only end up getting hurt again in the end. I remember this situation with Jason. He said he wouldn't love me ever, at least Kyle is open to the idea, right? But can I go through a relationship with someone waiting for them to figure out if it is going to happen? Or is Kyle just testing me? Is he putting up these walls to see if I care about him enough to fight through them? I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.
Surprisingly, I'm not too shaken up about it. I'm looking at it logically and accepting the fact that he has been through a lot and hardened himself over the years. It is kind of like what I have wanted to do but have never been able to. Do I give it a few more months and see if he warms up at all...? I really do enjoy spending time with him, and I could see myself with him in the future...that is why I am torn.
Don't get me wrong, I'm going to go out with other guys and have a good time, and if someone better comes a long, Kyle will have missed his chance. Kyle hasn't earned my heart yet. He doesn't deserve for me to hang on to him and make me work hard for him. I guess it is easier to be strong these days then I thought. There are so many people in the world that I shouldn't have to fight so hard. But then again, isn't fighting for what you want what makes it so great when you get it in the end? I guess we'll just see where this goes. Keeping my options open, but also holding on to that little flicker of hope.
Kim
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2006
Dear Granna,
I'm finding that ever since I "let go" of the idea of absolutely needing a commitment to be with someone, thing have been going smoothly. I'm just sitting back and relaxing and having a good time, and whatever happens, happen. Though, I am not entirely sure what is going to come of all this, but I am still doing a good job of protecting my heart. While eventually it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, this is a big lesson on patience for me. Not everyone moves at my pace. The good news in all of this is, well, we are building something. Whether or not it is going to be the foundation for a successful relationship, or a good friendship, right now we're laying the concrete, as it were.
Last night I went up to watch a movie and relax with Kyle. It was a good night of play and I eventually fell asleep on his lap. He needed to put the cover on his motorcycle and I thought it would be a good time for me to head out, so I got all my stuff together and walked down with him to his bike to cover it. After he was done covering it, he began to give me gentle kisses then told me I didn't need to leave. I laughed at him and asked him if that meant he wanted me to stay. To which he responded that he was offering. Me, being who I am, asked him for a yes or no to my previous question, but I never quite did get it out of him. Only "I'm offering." But, I took it, regardless.
We had very gentle sex and he kept saying he was afraid of hurting me because of all the bruises he leaves on me and he is afraid he gets too rough with me. I kind of laughed at him and told him not to worry about it. That if he did anything I didn't like that I would let him know. Regardless, when all was said and done and we lay there in bed, I began to rub his back because I knew it would put him to sleep. He looked over at me and asked if I was trying to put him to sleep so I could sneak out once he was, and I assured him I would be there in the morning.
It is funny the different affection levels I get on different days. On some days I feel like I am just a casual fling for him, and on others I feel like he is holding on to me because he thinks he is going to lose me. Why would he be afraid I was going to be gone in the morning? Why not let me go home in the first place? It is just odd. Maybe he is warming up to me. Or maybe he knows I'm pulling away. Now that I've taken my blinders off and I'm looking into my other options...maybe he can see that. It is all very interesting. I am not entirely sure where I want to go from here or what I want to do, though I did think of good quote the other day, "Why can't we just love each other today and not worry about tomorrow?" If Kyle and I ever have the "serious" talk again, I'll bring that up. I'm trying not to worry about then, I'm worry about now. Maybe we can both learn from that.
Kim
I'm finding that ever since I "let go" of the idea of absolutely needing a commitment to be with someone, thing have been going smoothly. I'm just sitting back and relaxing and having a good time, and whatever happens, happen. Though, I am not entirely sure what is going to come of all this, but I am still doing a good job of protecting my heart. While eventually it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, this is a big lesson on patience for me. Not everyone moves at my pace. The good news in all of this is, well, we are building something. Whether or not it is going to be the foundation for a successful relationship, or a good friendship, right now we're laying the concrete, as it were.
Last night I went up to watch a movie and relax with Kyle. It was a good night of play and I eventually fell asleep on his lap. He needed to put the cover on his motorcycle and I thought it would be a good time for me to head out, so I got all my stuff together and walked down with him to his bike to cover it. After he was done covering it, he began to give me gentle kisses then told me I didn't need to leave. I laughed at him and asked him if that meant he wanted me to stay. To which he responded that he was offering. Me, being who I am, asked him for a yes or no to my previous question, but I never quite did get it out of him. Only "I'm offering." But, I took it, regardless.
We had very gentle sex and he kept saying he was afraid of hurting me because of all the bruises he leaves on me and he is afraid he gets too rough with me. I kind of laughed at him and told him not to worry about it. That if he did anything I didn't like that I would let him know. Regardless, when all was said and done and we lay there in bed, I began to rub his back because I knew it would put him to sleep. He looked over at me and asked if I was trying to put him to sleep so I could sneak out once he was, and I assured him I would be there in the morning.
It is funny the different affection levels I get on different days. On some days I feel like I am just a casual fling for him, and on others I feel like he is holding on to me because he thinks he is going to lose me. Why would he be afraid I was going to be gone in the morning? Why not let me go home in the first place? It is just odd. Maybe he is warming up to me. Or maybe he knows I'm pulling away. Now that I've taken my blinders off and I'm looking into my other options...maybe he can see that. It is all very interesting. I am not entirely sure where I want to go from here or what I want to do, though I did think of good quote the other day, "Why can't we just love each other today and not worry about tomorrow?" If Kyle and I ever have the "serious" talk again, I'll bring that up. I'm trying not to worry about then, I'm worry about now. Maybe we can both learn from that.
Kim
Monday, June 9, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Dear Granna,
It was an interesting weekend and I am finding myself repeating the phrase "Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind," to myself over and over. If I really am falling in love with Kyle, then I can be patient and wait for him to see I'm not going to hurt him. I have been being very gently so far, and maybe this is my lesson for now. I am learning to be patient and take things slow, and not put my heart on the line so quickly.
Friday was an interesting day. One of my friends had gotten ahold of Kyle's e-mail address and send him a quote about not feeling the future. Kyle got extremely upset about this and laid into me and fumed for the rest of the day, not talking to me. Then near the end of the day I asked him if we still had a date that night and he said we did, and apologized for his actions. That night, he continued to apologize for what had happened because he said it wasn't me that had upset him, it was the situation and his crappy week and he just took it all out on me. I told him not to worry, that I understood, and he just kept saying he was sorry. Do you think he was afraid he was going to lose me? That I saw the darker side of him and I would go running for the hills? Maybe this will be a good show of my character, that I'm not going to cut and run when he has a bad day.
Needless to say, we fell asleep together on his couch that night watching movies, then I spent the night wrapped in his arms, wondering what I was doing there and why it felt so wonderfully comfortable.
We saw each other again on Sunday. We went down to Balboa Park and saw the Pompeii exhibit, where every time I would stop and look at something he would wrap his arms around me and tell me about the Mythology associated with it. It was a very fun experience to see how knowledgeable he was. And for us to share the Pompeii exhibit together because we both have visited the actual ancient city, it was very peaceful. Like we were an actual couple. After the Pompeii exhibit, we went over to the science center and played with everything we could find and just experienced being kids. It was also good to see that side of him. When they kicked us out of the museum, we decided to make dinner back at his house so he could do laundry. So, we went grocery shopping together and cooked dinner together back at his place. Once again, it was another peaceful moment where we talked and stood in the kitchen like a couple. After dinner, we both lounged on the couch and fell asleep during the movie we were watching. When we both woke up I made my way home.
I'm trying not to read too deeply into it. Trying to take things as they are and go with the flow. I don't want to worry about whether or not he is feeling for me like I am feeling for him because it will drive me mad. I'm going to try to go out and see other people to try to get my mind off of it...give him the space and freedom he wants to make his decision. The sad thing is, all I want is to be wrapped up in his arms, inhaling his scent, feeling his lips graze across my forehead while we lay together on that evil couch that puts us both asleep. But those romantic fantasies need to stop. It is not safe to give him my heart yet...as much as I want to, I can't. I have to hold on to it. While he may appear gentle and kind on the outside, I am not entirely sure if he will handle my heart in the same fashion, so for now I keep it locked up tight, keeping the key where I can't even get to it.
This is my lesson. Being patient. Being kind. Not reading too deeply into the events that happen. However this unfolds, I think I will take these lessons with me. And that is not entirely a bad thing.
Kim
It was an interesting weekend and I am finding myself repeating the phrase "Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind," to myself over and over. If I really am falling in love with Kyle, then I can be patient and wait for him to see I'm not going to hurt him. I have been being very gently so far, and maybe this is my lesson for now. I am learning to be patient and take things slow, and not put my heart on the line so quickly.
Friday was an interesting day. One of my friends had gotten ahold of Kyle's e-mail address and send him a quote about not feeling the future. Kyle got extremely upset about this and laid into me and fumed for the rest of the day, not talking to me. Then near the end of the day I asked him if we still had a date that night and he said we did, and apologized for his actions. That night, he continued to apologize for what had happened because he said it wasn't me that had upset him, it was the situation and his crappy week and he just took it all out on me. I told him not to worry, that I understood, and he just kept saying he was sorry. Do you think he was afraid he was going to lose me? That I saw the darker side of him and I would go running for the hills? Maybe this will be a good show of my character, that I'm not going to cut and run when he has a bad day.
Needless to say, we fell asleep together on his couch that night watching movies, then I spent the night wrapped in his arms, wondering what I was doing there and why it felt so wonderfully comfortable.
We saw each other again on Sunday. We went down to Balboa Park and saw the Pompeii exhibit, where every time I would stop and look at something he would wrap his arms around me and tell me about the Mythology associated with it. It was a very fun experience to see how knowledgeable he was. And for us to share the Pompeii exhibit together because we both have visited the actual ancient city, it was very peaceful. Like we were an actual couple. After the Pompeii exhibit, we went over to the science center and played with everything we could find and just experienced being kids. It was also good to see that side of him. When they kicked us out of the museum, we decided to make dinner back at his house so he could do laundry. So, we went grocery shopping together and cooked dinner together back at his place. Once again, it was another peaceful moment where we talked and stood in the kitchen like a couple. After dinner, we both lounged on the couch and fell asleep during the movie we were watching. When we both woke up I made my way home.
I'm trying not to read too deeply into it. Trying to take things as they are and go with the flow. I don't want to worry about whether or not he is feeling for me like I am feeling for him because it will drive me mad. I'm going to try to go out and see other people to try to get my mind off of it...give him the space and freedom he wants to make his decision. The sad thing is, all I want is to be wrapped up in his arms, inhaling his scent, feeling his lips graze across my forehead while we lay together on that evil couch that puts us both asleep. But those romantic fantasies need to stop. It is not safe to give him my heart yet...as much as I want to, I can't. I have to hold on to it. While he may appear gentle and kind on the outside, I am not entirely sure if he will handle my heart in the same fashion, so for now I keep it locked up tight, keeping the key where I can't even get to it.
This is my lesson. Being patient. Being kind. Not reading too deeply into the events that happen. However this unfolds, I think I will take these lessons with me. And that is not entirely a bad thing.
Kim
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Dear Granna,
This is what I sent to Kyle this morning to recap out "talk" last night:
What Was Established:
Kim: Wants the opportunity to begin exclusively dating with hope that it may someday turn into a potential relationship, however, would remain content with just being “exclusive” for an unset period of time. Regardless, Kim is content just being with Kyle.
Kyle: Is not entirely sure what he wants but is leaning towards keeping it “casual” because he is uncomfortable with the idea of losing himself to another relationship.
Outcome: Both have agreed to continue seeing each other and revisit the above mentioned issues in an unset period of time.
What Was Not Established:
While Kim did confess that she is developing strong feelings for Kyle, whether or not Kyle is even having any romantic feelings at all is still up in the air.
Time limit for follow up meeting (two to three months?).
For Next Meeting:
Whether or not both are going to let fear dictate their decisions, instead of just taking the plunge and seeing what happens. Ultimately, what do they have to lose?
Chalk it up as a summer fling or continue on and see what develops?
Follow up meeting in two to three months.
Obviously this was not the outcome I wanted, but what should I have expected? We have only known each other briefly, so it really is too soon to be thinking about a committed relationship. However, my cards are on the table now. One can only hope that he can see how amazing I am and start to learn towards wanting to have a relationship with me, but at this point I'm not holding my breath. My heart is aching, but I have not cried because he is not worth my tears. I'm going to continue to go out and see other people and if Mr. Right comes along, Kyle will have just been a stepping stone and I can move on and find what I want.
At the same time though, because I can't have him, I want to fight for him. Play by his rules. Make him come around. But you can't make people love you. That is just not how it works. So I'm being careful now. My heart is mine. He wont get it unless he works for it.
This is all still a learning experience for me. I'm out "playing the field" as it were, since I have never done this before I am not entirely sure how it is supposed to go. So we'll see. I'm calling upon your strength right now and keeping my shoulders back and my head high. If he doesn't want me, he is an idiot.
Kim
This is what I sent to Kyle this morning to recap out "talk" last night:
What Was Established:
Kim: Wants the opportunity to begin exclusively dating with hope that it may someday turn into a potential relationship, however, would remain content with just being “exclusive” for an unset period of time. Regardless, Kim is content just being with Kyle.
Kyle: Is not entirely sure what he wants but is leaning towards keeping it “casual” because he is uncomfortable with the idea of losing himself to another relationship.
Outcome: Both have agreed to continue seeing each other and revisit the above mentioned issues in an unset period of time.
What Was Not Established:
While Kim did confess that she is developing strong feelings for Kyle, whether or not Kyle is even having any romantic feelings at all is still up in the air.
Time limit for follow up meeting (two to three months?).
For Next Meeting:
Whether or not both are going to let fear dictate their decisions, instead of just taking the plunge and seeing what happens. Ultimately, what do they have to lose?
Chalk it up as a summer fling or continue on and see what develops?
Follow up meeting in two to three months.
Obviously this was not the outcome I wanted, but what should I have expected? We have only known each other briefly, so it really is too soon to be thinking about a committed relationship. However, my cards are on the table now. One can only hope that he can see how amazing I am and start to learn towards wanting to have a relationship with me, but at this point I'm not holding my breath. My heart is aching, but I have not cried because he is not worth my tears. I'm going to continue to go out and see other people and if Mr. Right comes along, Kyle will have just been a stepping stone and I can move on and find what I want.
At the same time though, because I can't have him, I want to fight for him. Play by his rules. Make him come around. But you can't make people love you. That is just not how it works. So I'm being careful now. My heart is mine. He wont get it unless he works for it.
This is all still a learning experience for me. I'm out "playing the field" as it were, since I have never done this before I am not entirely sure how it is supposed to go. So we'll see. I'm calling upon your strength right now and keeping my shoulders back and my head high. If he doesn't want me, he is an idiot.
Kim
Monday, June 2, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Dear Granna,
I still haven't seen him, though we did talk on the phone for a little bit yesterday. He had forgotten his phone over the weekend so I wasn't able to keep in touch with him, so when I heard from him on Sunday you can imagine my frustration. I also was with Jen and Ryan at the time so I made our call brief and went back to doing what I was doing. Later in the evening I called him and he eventually called me back and we filled each other in on our weekends. I am not entirely sure how our conversation got to my family vacation, but I sarcastically asked him if he thought he was going, and he admitted that he would like to because he was invited. Conveniently the trip lines up with the weekend he has to be at a wedding, but I'm not entirely sure I'm going to go on the trip because of work and money issues. But, it was interesting.
I then brought up the point that I hated feeling like I was wasting my time and I needed some reassurance that he wasn't going anywhere. He laughed and told me I worried too much. We talked about my birthday and whatnot and I, cynically this time, asked him if he was planning on staying around that long. He said he was. And I told him that was a relief because I would like him to, but at the same time, it doesn't give me anymore information than I had before. I still have no idea how he feels about me, whether or not we're going to be dating exclusively from now on, what the long term plan is...he just tells me to relax and not worry so much.
I hate to break it to him, but I'm a planner. I like to plan things out and know what I'm diving into. He's just a shoot from the hip kind of guy. It is amazing we get along so well when we are two very different people in that respect. Regardless, we made a date for Friday, though I confessed I would like to see him before then...I don't know if I will get the chance. Going to see my father tomorrow and going to a baseball game, Wednesday I'm available but he says he is busy, Thursday I have Kung Fu, and there we would be on Friday. I guess I just need to feign apathy like he does, it seems to be working for him.
I wish he would tell me what he was thinking over the phone, but he insists on waiting until we see each other in person. I hope it is not what I am dreading. I hope that he looks me in the face and tells me he is falling for me, instead of looking me in the face and telling me we're not going anywhere. It is so confusing. I've never done this patient dating thing. I just need strength and patience right now to make it through this week.
Kim
I still haven't seen him, though we did talk on the phone for a little bit yesterday. He had forgotten his phone over the weekend so I wasn't able to keep in touch with him, so when I heard from him on Sunday you can imagine my frustration. I also was with Jen and Ryan at the time so I made our call brief and went back to doing what I was doing. Later in the evening I called him and he eventually called me back and we filled each other in on our weekends. I am not entirely sure how our conversation got to my family vacation, but I sarcastically asked him if he thought he was going, and he admitted that he would like to because he was invited. Conveniently the trip lines up with the weekend he has to be at a wedding, but I'm not entirely sure I'm going to go on the trip because of work and money issues. But, it was interesting.
I then brought up the point that I hated feeling like I was wasting my time and I needed some reassurance that he wasn't going anywhere. He laughed and told me I worried too much. We talked about my birthday and whatnot and I, cynically this time, asked him if he was planning on staying around that long. He said he was. And I told him that was a relief because I would like him to, but at the same time, it doesn't give me anymore information than I had before. I still have no idea how he feels about me, whether or not we're going to be dating exclusively from now on, what the long term plan is...he just tells me to relax and not worry so much.
I hate to break it to him, but I'm a planner. I like to plan things out and know what I'm diving into. He's just a shoot from the hip kind of guy. It is amazing we get along so well when we are two very different people in that respect. Regardless, we made a date for Friday, though I confessed I would like to see him before then...I don't know if I will get the chance. Going to see my father tomorrow and going to a baseball game, Wednesday I'm available but he says he is busy, Thursday I have Kung Fu, and there we would be on Friday. I guess I just need to feign apathy like he does, it seems to be working for him.
I wish he would tell me what he was thinking over the phone, but he insists on waiting until we see each other in person. I hope it is not what I am dreading. I hope that he looks me in the face and tells me he is falling for me, instead of looking me in the face and telling me we're not going anywhere. It is so confusing. I've never done this patient dating thing. I just need strength and patience right now to make it through this week.
Kim
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