Monday, July 21, 2008

Dear Granna,

Well, my stint with a lover was all but brief. We saw each other a couple times and now I cannot seem to wrangle him to spend time with me. There is always some excuse, so I am on to bigger and better things. Though, against my other better judgement, I did see Kyle again. We had met up to exchange our stuff and spent some time talking and he wants to try to be my "friend." Whatever that means. I don't even pretend to understand men. And since then he has been calling and texting and e-mailing more than he did when we were dating. I never intiate, he always does. It is like he is chasing me for the thrill but has no intention of ever doing anything about it...and it frustrates me to no end.

The worst part is, I took advantage of that. His desire to want to see me, to talk to me, I goaded him on because I love the attention. But I am still unsure how I feel about him. He burned me. He doesn't get my love back... but what is his end game here...what is he trying to accomplish by staying in my life?

He is on his trip right now, so contact has been limited. Though I have heard from him a couple times. The first day he was gone he called me early in the morning to talk to me and let me know he was alright. I ended the conversation abruptly, as I can't really play these games. I just...I don't know. I'm done trying to understand and done trying to hope. The boy I took as my lover I had thought was a wonderful gentleman, but then the excuses started. Maybe when he doesn't have excuses anymore I will talk to him again...but for now, I need to be strong and happy being single. Being alone. Need to find the beautiful silence I had with Kyle on my own.

And I need to start running. I think getting out there and getting rid of this frustration in a physical way will help me as well. I will be strengthening my body and my mind. Even if it is only around the block a couple times to start...just getting out there will do wonders for me. I need to work out more.

Did I tell you I quit Kung Fu? I have found myself in a great deal of debt, so I have to give up what I love the most in order to pay down my debt and be a responsible adult. I'm trying to get a second job as well, but having no luck so far. I am even applying for minimum wage positions where they should be hiring all year round. I am trying to take control of my life right now. Of myself. Of my finances. Of everything. We only have one chance in this world, so I better not fuck it up more than I already have.

Wish me luck, Granna. This year is about change and strength, I just know it. I know inside me somewhere there is a woman like you who wont feel lonely or depressed. I just need to let the tamed lion out back into the wild and learn how to roar again.

Kim

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Dear Granna,

I've given up. On Hope. On Love. On everything. I can't keep getting hurt the way I do, and it will be better for me in the long run if I just close my heart up and not let anyone in. I don't know how long I will feel like this, but I know when I have to face Kyle tonight (for possibly the last time) I need to be strong. I need to have my chin up, take my stuff, and walk away. I need to show him that ship has sailed and he had his chance. If he really wants me, if it is really meant to be, then he will have to chase. But I'm not waiting around.

I've taken a new lover. Against my better judgement, but I think in the long run it will be good for me to learn to separate fun and emotions. I can go out, have sex, and not get attached. I just need the apathetic attitude and remember that what it comes down to is I have myself to look out for and I'm the only one who will be there for me in the end.

Maybe this whole experience is a lesson in strength and detachment. Maybe I am supposed to be able to be a "user" instead of the one being used. I just want to be strong. I want to have fun. I don't want to be hurt. Is that too much to ask in this world?

Kim

Monday, July 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

I suppose the wound has had enough time to start healing over now. I am not hurting as much as I was, and I even had the strength to send Kyle a "Goodbye" letter.



Kyle,

I guess this is it... I had hoped we could at least remain friends through all of this because of our wonderful ability to get along well and have fun together... but maybe it would just be too hard on you and I. I really don't get the "disappear" mentality, when I don't really hold any ill feelings towards you for being honest with yourself. But if it is something you have to do, then I will support it.

For what it is worth, I really did enjoy my time with you and have fun. Maybe I made some hasty decisions but I really don't regret it at all. I can go out there and have fun and try new things and not be afraid of having a little adventure here and there. I'll look back on our countless nights of movies and videogames and smile as you suffered through my horrible films and air hockey abilities.

This will be the last time I will contact you unless you contact me first. If you ever are ready or feel comfortable enough to at least be friends with me, feel free to give me a call or send me an e-mail.

I hope you find what you are looking for, Kyle. You deserve every ounce of happiness that you hope for...Don't be afraid to let people in, sometimes you get hurt, but that is life. Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

Take care of yourself and don't change for anyone. You are an amazing person, and the right woman is out there for you...and she'll know exactly what I mean.

Thank you, again, Kyle. For everything.

Kim


I suppose this is how I deal with pain. I put it down in words and try to remember the positive, instead of telling him how really hurt I was. How he is a stupid man for throwing me away because I am amazing, and maybe someday he'll look back and see how it was a huge mistake. It's those horrible thoughts that will help me get through this, instead or remembering how we had so much fun and for a brief period I felt love for someone again. I felt like I had a future. If I can feel it with him, I can feel it again. So it gives me hope.

I'm an amazing woman. I deserve to be loved and treated right. I deserve a man who isn't going to be afraid to be in a relationship with me and will give me all the attention and respect I deserve. He is out there somewhere. It may take me years to find it, but I am not going to find him by just sitting around feeling sorry for myself because the wrong guy broke my heart.

So I am getting out there again. I am going to hold my head up high. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

Kim

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Dear Granna,

It's over, Granna.

He doesn't feel the "spark."

So, instead of waiting it out and seeing if something like that develops...he just wants to end it.

I feel...I don't know what I feel. I had hoped for the best, but I guess sometimes what you really want you just can't get.

I guess it wasn't meant to be. I guess this was the sign I was waiting for... It doesn't hurt any less... If I hadn't gotten attached it wouldn't be as hard, but I just feel rejected and having no value. How can I be so unlovable? Why does this reason keep coming up?

It's life, I guess. Now I need to start the process or moving on...maybe the right one will find me. I'm tired of looking.

Please send me your strength to get through this.

Kim

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Dear Granna,

So is this my sign? The one that I've been waiting for? For him to just completely shut me out and not give me the time of day? Am I just reacting too emotionally like normal, or is this it? He wont return my texts or my e-mails, but he has time to surf the internet while at work?

We were supposed to get together tomorrow for a party...and now, now I don't know what is going on. I feel the tears building in my eyes and the familiar sting of heartbreak in my chest. The worst part is...I don't even know what I did. I don't even know why I don't have enough value for him to respond to me and tell me he is just busy or that he doesn't want to see me anymore because I am too demanding, or because there is an old flame back in his life or anything. Anything is better than not knowing.

I deleted his number out of my phone. I'm deleting his e-mail out of my work contacts so I don't have to worry about spamming him with e-mails asking him "Why" over and over... They say if you love something set it free... Well, now he gets to be free. I can't do this. I can't be someone's whore. Is that why the dynamic changed for us all of the sudden? Because I didn't have sex with him on Tuesday?

I guess I read him wrong. Completely wrong. It wasn't him falling for me I was feeling, it was him getting ready to leave. I wish he would have been man enough to say something, at least. Instead of just...doing what a boy would do. Ignoring me until I go away. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling used, abandoned, hurt...crushed. I knew that I shouldn't have let myself get too close, I knew I should have kept the wall up and not hoped that he would feel the same way as I did for him.

Stupid Kim. Stupid, stupid Kim. Is this my lesson? Not let anyone in? Stop falling for the wrong ones? It hurts right now, Granna. I thought we could have been happy, I thought he was coming around, I thought we could have been...something, at least.

It never ceases to amaze me how wrong I can be.

Kim

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Dear Granna,

As I sit here staring at my computer I almost can't find the words to say what I feel right now. It is...odd...because I have never had a lack of words, before.

Another wonderful evening last night with Kyle. We went to dinner, to the movies, to Dave-n-Busters and then back to my place. But something happened. We didn't have sex, and he still stayed the night. And as I lay there in bed with his arms wrapped around me, listening to his steady breathing (then his decent into heavy snoring!) I realized that it really feels like Kyle is falling for me. He is just too scared to admit it to me or himself.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm so wrapped up in the idea of all of this working out that my reading of him is completely off...but that is what my gut is telling me. Given enough patience and time, he is going to feel like it is safe to admit that he does feel the same way I do. That this isn't just a fling, that there is something more between us and it has long term, perhaps even forever, potential. I don't want to admit it to myself yet, because if I hope for this, and it doesn't happen, you know me, I'll be destroyed.

So, for now, I enjoy his company, but what I feel from him isn't just fling. Hopefully I'm not reading him wrong.

Kim