Thursday, July 3, 2008

Dear Granna,

So is this my sign? The one that I've been waiting for? For him to just completely shut me out and not give me the time of day? Am I just reacting too emotionally like normal, or is this it? He wont return my texts or my e-mails, but he has time to surf the internet while at work?

We were supposed to get together tomorrow for a party...and now, now I don't know what is going on. I feel the tears building in my eyes and the familiar sting of heartbreak in my chest. The worst part is...I don't even know what I did. I don't even know why I don't have enough value for him to respond to me and tell me he is just busy or that he doesn't want to see me anymore because I am too demanding, or because there is an old flame back in his life or anything. Anything is better than not knowing.

I deleted his number out of my phone. I'm deleting his e-mail out of my work contacts so I don't have to worry about spamming him with e-mails asking him "Why" over and over... They say if you love something set it free... Well, now he gets to be free. I can't do this. I can't be someone's whore. Is that why the dynamic changed for us all of the sudden? Because I didn't have sex with him on Tuesday?

I guess I read him wrong. Completely wrong. It wasn't him falling for me I was feeling, it was him getting ready to leave. I wish he would have been man enough to say something, at least. Instead of just...doing what a boy would do. Ignoring me until I go away. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling used, abandoned, hurt...crushed. I knew that I shouldn't have let myself get too close, I knew I should have kept the wall up and not hoped that he would feel the same way as I did for him.

Stupid Kim. Stupid, stupid Kim. Is this my lesson? Not let anyone in? Stop falling for the wrong ones? It hurts right now, Granna. I thought we could have been happy, I thought he was coming around, I thought we could have been...something, at least.

It never ceases to amaze me how wrong I can be.

Kim