Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Dear Granna,

I've given up. On Hope. On Love. On everything. I can't keep getting hurt the way I do, and it will be better for me in the long run if I just close my heart up and not let anyone in. I don't know how long I will feel like this, but I know when I have to face Kyle tonight (for possibly the last time) I need to be strong. I need to have my chin up, take my stuff, and walk away. I need to show him that ship has sailed and he had his chance. If he really wants me, if it is really meant to be, then he will have to chase. But I'm not waiting around.

I've taken a new lover. Against my better judgement, but I think in the long run it will be good for me to learn to separate fun and emotions. I can go out, have sex, and not get attached. I just need the apathetic attitude and remember that what it comes down to is I have myself to look out for and I'm the only one who will be there for me in the end.

Maybe this whole experience is a lesson in strength and detachment. Maybe I am supposed to be able to be a "user" instead of the one being used. I just want to be strong. I want to have fun. I don't want to be hurt. Is that too much to ask in this world?

Kim