Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Dear Granna,

So, April is upon us. It has been a rather uneventful past few months since I last wrote. I have the normal routine of work, sleep, work, sleep. Occasionally I will meet up with a friend and do something that isn't related to work or sleeping. Well, I also get to visit my nephews. That is the highlight of my life, really. Watching two little human beings grow has been the most amazing experience of my life. Considering I am not in my 30s, I might not get the opportunity to watch my own children grow (hell, I might not even get the opportunity to HAVE children at this point). It is just amazing to watch something grow into a person. And I can't deny the fact that being the special aunt that they have makes me proud. I didn't have a relationship like that with Aunt Pat, and I wonder if I would have turned out differently to have an extra person in my life who was fun and gave me unconditional love.

So, there are some good things so far this year, it seems. I guess I can't ever say I have nothing to live for, because those kids stole my heart.

The gentleman I mentioned in the previous letter is still MIA. It is funny how you don't realize how much something really bothers you until you start losing sleep over it. I keep going over the what-ifs in my mind and I can never really get the true closure that I need. Everyone keeps telling me he isn't coming back, he just was toying with me... but why do I hold on to the hope that maybe it was real? Maybe he did mean for us to reconnect and there is just something keeping him from doing so? I guess that is what made me stay with Kyle for so long... I kept hoping that things would change, that he would wake up and realize he loved me. But with him, at least I did get closure. I found out the type of person he really was and was able to walk away from the situation and begin the process of healing. With this... I keep feeling like... what if this guy was supposed to be one of the great loves of my life and I blew it somehow? What would have happened if he and I DID get together all those years ago... where would we be today? That, I suppose, is why it tortures me. For the first time in a long time I had a chance to right the wrong of my past and maybe head down the path that was meant to happen in the first place... So far, though, it looks like that path is closed, and it hurts. Wondering and hurting and questioning is the worst place to be for a person like me.

I don't even remember what it feels like to be in love or to have someone I felt like I could truly connect with. Hell, I don't even know what it is like to share a bed with anyone anymore. It makes me feel like I am a failure of a human being, being alone when everyone else has found their partner. Why do people who are crap get to move on with their lives and find a way to be happy while I am stuck here? I'm not a bad person, I am kind and generous, loving, loyal... Apparently that isn't enough. I guess challenging people to be better and do more with their lives is such a buzz-kill that people just run for the hill. I don't even know anymore. The worst part is... The solitude is growing on me. I don't feel the need to go be social, while I do get extremely lonely, the thought of going out to meet people terrifies me because it always ends up the same. People disappear. I don't get closure. How many times do you have to get burned before you just go... well, that's just not for me, I guess!

Sadly, I am like the kid who keeps putting their hand on the hot stove and getting burned and just going back for it. What is it inside us that makes us seek out the thing that makes us so crazy. Why do we yearn for something that can make us feel elated and miserable at the same time? It is just so frustrating! And I hate, hate, hate that I feel for the fantasy of fixing my past.

It'll get better, right?

Kim

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Dear Granna,

The New Year is upon us. So far it has been uneventful. If that is the one thing I can claim for myself is that I am boring. Very little changes for me, so I live each day in a safe routine. No, one might say that this is why I don't experience all of the things that most people feel like I should be experiencing right now, but I do my best to stay social when the time is right. Forcing myself to go out when I don't want to only makes me withdraw into myself even more and doesn't help the situation any, because then people don't see me for who I really am. Instead they get the uncomfortable, quiet person who doesn't want to be there -- and don't they all know it!

So far this year I have renewed my lease to spend another year in my apartment, I still have my job (though there were a couple moments where I was terrified that it might have been lost), and I didn't completely lose my mind when Beep ended up with a lump on her ear that might require surgery to fix. Baby steps, I guess! I've also continued to watch what I eat and started adding a new routine of push-ups and crunches to my days to help tone up my flabby muscles in my arms and tummy. Have to do something to keep busy, right?

I suppose the biggest disappointment would be the gentleman that I mentioned in the last letter has been being... very secretive, out of communication constantly, and throwing up red flags in my mind every time I hear from him. My natural state is to be untrusting. When someone doesn't give me answers or tells me stories that are so far-fetched without background information, my brain immediately goes on the defensive and I don't know what is real anymore. So of course I am reliving the hurt of being abandoned constantly, wondering why someone would take time to do such a thing to another human being. If I could just get answers, or proof, or something that would make all these stories seem true, instead of getting the run around once a week (though now we have hit the two-week mark of non-communication), then I might feel better. But now, it feels hopeless. I feel hopeless. How could I have let myself fall into the fantasy that this might actually work out? I'm so stupid.

I wish it was real. I wish someone really did hold a flame for me for four years and liked me enough that they really did want to pursue something... It's just not. Guess I am only good for entertainment and manipulation for someone when they are bored or when they have a beef with me that they feel like they have to hurt me repeatedly to feel better about themselves. Story of my life. I don't want to play games anymore. I don't date because I don't like to play games. I hardly socialize because that's all people do. Where are all the good people? Everyone tells me I need to move out of California, that people are more real in other states. I've considered it, but I have a good job and family here, and I am stuck in a lease for another 12 months. Maybe next year. Truth be told, it would be nice to have a fresh start somewhere, where no one knew me, where I could avoid drama and games and maybe find people who actually want to be around me rather than use me. Or I just have to keep being steadfast in cutting out the garbage in my life, and doing it all on my own.

It just gets so frustrating sometimes... 22 days into the new year... at least there is still plenty of time to turn it around.

Kim