Dear Granna,
It's always the same... They realize I am going to be a challenge, that I have a ton of baggage... and then there is nothing.
Do you think in this life I'm supposed to learn to love myself first before I can let anyone else love me?
The person who I once was...the one who would give her heart away at the drop of a hat, the one who would love unconditionally as if there was no tomorrow...she's gone. Replaced by some heartless drone that, when presented with a potential future, just...shuts down. Shuts down and drives people away.
I am so much the polar opposite of what I used to be. This is what I wanted though, to be cold, to not hurt... Funny how it would show up when I least need it.
Kim
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Dear Granna,
It has been a long, emotionally draining day. And it isn't even over yet. I've still got a potential six hours left until I can finally lay my head down on my pillow and hope the tears will not overflow again.
How come when you think you're on the road to happiness, people have to RIP the idea from your mind and make sure to dash all hopes and dreams you have? To tell you you're stupid when it comes to men, that you don't know what you feel, that you're desperate, or impulsive... so many hurtful words coming from people who supposedly love me and care about me, and yet they tear me down like this and I end up walling up my heart and wanting to run away.
I feel sick to my stomach. My heart feels like it is breaking. I'm experiencing the same feeling I always feel when any semblance of a relationship ends because those people have already ended it for me in my mind. How could it possibly last if no one has any faith in me, or trust in me that I am doing the right thing? How can these people claim to know me at all when they have no idea what I am capable of, how much I think about these situations, how much I think about the future and what I want?
It is to the point where I don't even trust my heart anymore, because every time I listen to it, I'm wrong. So it goes back into its little box, locked up tight, and I'm just...here.
Though, there is one person that has been a guiding light this whole time. The one person I would trust to not lead me astray, the one person who has been right about all of the bad relationships I have been in and there to pick me up when I fell... She is telling me to trust in her heart because she knows things will be okay. She is keeping me from walling it up too tightly because this time it will be different. This time it is right. I just don't know anymore. I go through these waves of being sure, and then waves of being frightened because people plant the seeds of doubt in my mind. Marj is working diligently to pluck those seeds of doubt out, but every now and again she misses one and it just makes me feel so...helpless. So wrong. So scared.
I don't know anymore, Granna. If nothing else comes out of this, I am seeing behind the curtain, I am seeing who wants to selfishly keep me for themselves and deny me my own happiness, and those who really love and support me, regardless of how strange a situation may be. I just wish I could hold onto that seed of happiness and make it grow and bloom without people coming at me with shovels.
I want so badly for it to be different, but why do I keep walling myself up, waiting for it to be the same?
Kim
It has been a long, emotionally draining day. And it isn't even over yet. I've still got a potential six hours left until I can finally lay my head down on my pillow and hope the tears will not overflow again.
How come when you think you're on the road to happiness, people have to RIP the idea from your mind and make sure to dash all hopes and dreams you have? To tell you you're stupid when it comes to men, that you don't know what you feel, that you're desperate, or impulsive... so many hurtful words coming from people who supposedly love me and care about me, and yet they tear me down like this and I end up walling up my heart and wanting to run away.
I feel sick to my stomach. My heart feels like it is breaking. I'm experiencing the same feeling I always feel when any semblance of a relationship ends because those people have already ended it for me in my mind. How could it possibly last if no one has any faith in me, or trust in me that I am doing the right thing? How can these people claim to know me at all when they have no idea what I am capable of, how much I think about these situations, how much I think about the future and what I want?
It is to the point where I don't even trust my heart anymore, because every time I listen to it, I'm wrong. So it goes back into its little box, locked up tight, and I'm just...here.
Though, there is one person that has been a guiding light this whole time. The one person I would trust to not lead me astray, the one person who has been right about all of the bad relationships I have been in and there to pick me up when I fell... She is telling me to trust in her heart because she knows things will be okay. She is keeping me from walling it up too tightly because this time it will be different. This time it is right. I just don't know anymore. I go through these waves of being sure, and then waves of being frightened because people plant the seeds of doubt in my mind. Marj is working diligently to pluck those seeds of doubt out, but every now and again she misses one and it just makes me feel so...helpless. So wrong. So scared.
I don't know anymore, Granna. If nothing else comes out of this, I am seeing behind the curtain, I am seeing who wants to selfishly keep me for themselves and deny me my own happiness, and those who really love and support me, regardless of how strange a situation may be. I just wish I could hold onto that seed of happiness and make it grow and bloom without people coming at me with shovels.
I want so badly for it to be different, but why do I keep walling myself up, waiting for it to be the same?
Kim
Monday, September 8, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Dear Granna,
It has been a while since I have written. Mostly because I have been so busy with work and school and trying to find a second job, I hardly have time to think, let alone sit down and put my thoughts on paper. But, I feel like I am long overdue.
It is a shame when you have been beaten down so many times that when something good happens to you, you don't think it is real. You train yourself to expect the worst to happen because that is always what happens anyway... Even the people around you, who are quite aware of your bad luck, tell you to be careful because they know how things always end... It's why right now I'm sitting in a state of purgatory. I'm in between reality and fantasy and I can't figure out which is real.
I hope against hope that all that I hope for comes true, but part of me still hesitates. Part of me holds something back because it will be easier to deal with the heartbreak when it inevitably will happen. And that is sad. That once I would give it all 100% and not be afraid, and now...I go against my very nature and hold back. Maybe because when I give it all, people leave me. It's too much for them. People aren't used to someone who gives up everything to make them happy, to love them, to help them. They don't think it is real, they think there is a catch. Just like I suppose I would if someone gave me everything they had. Why are we so jaded, Granna? Why can't we just accept that some people out there have a huge capacity to love and be loved and not to be frightened of it? Not to wait for the bad news, the catch...
I want so badly to be happy. I want so badly for this to be real. To have found someone who really does care, who is going to do what he says he is going to do, who really wants forever. But I'm fighting with myself. Fighting my nature to just give myself over completely because I'm scared. Scared this will turn out like all the rest. Things will not be what they seem and I will be lost and alone again, hurting and hating. And all I can do now is wait. Wait and see if this is real. Wait to finally give myself over or confirm my fears. Only a few more days until I go down an all-to-familiar path.
Hopefully this one will lead me somewhere instead of back to where I began.
Kim
It has been a while since I have written. Mostly because I have been so busy with work and school and trying to find a second job, I hardly have time to think, let alone sit down and put my thoughts on paper. But, I feel like I am long overdue.
It is a shame when you have been beaten down so many times that when something good happens to you, you don't think it is real. You train yourself to expect the worst to happen because that is always what happens anyway... Even the people around you, who are quite aware of your bad luck, tell you to be careful because they know how things always end... It's why right now I'm sitting in a state of purgatory. I'm in between reality and fantasy and I can't figure out which is real.
I hope against hope that all that I hope for comes true, but part of me still hesitates. Part of me holds something back because it will be easier to deal with the heartbreak when it inevitably will happen. And that is sad. That once I would give it all 100% and not be afraid, and now...I go against my very nature and hold back. Maybe because when I give it all, people leave me. It's too much for them. People aren't used to someone who gives up everything to make them happy, to love them, to help them. They don't think it is real, they think there is a catch. Just like I suppose I would if someone gave me everything they had. Why are we so jaded, Granna? Why can't we just accept that some people out there have a huge capacity to love and be loved and not to be frightened of it? Not to wait for the bad news, the catch...
I want so badly to be happy. I want so badly for this to be real. To have found someone who really does care, who is going to do what he says he is going to do, who really wants forever. But I'm fighting with myself. Fighting my nature to just give myself over completely because I'm scared. Scared this will turn out like all the rest. Things will not be what they seem and I will be lost and alone again, hurting and hating. And all I can do now is wait. Wait and see if this is real. Wait to finally give myself over or confirm my fears. Only a few more days until I go down an all-to-familiar path.
Hopefully this one will lead me somewhere instead of back to where I began.
Kim
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