Monday, September 8, 2008

Dear Granna,

It has been a while since I have written. Mostly because I have been so busy with work and school and trying to find a second job, I hardly have time to think, let alone sit down and put my thoughts on paper. But, I feel like I am long overdue.

It is a shame when you have been beaten down so many times that when something good happens to you, you don't think it is real. You train yourself to expect the worst to happen because that is always what happens anyway... Even the people around you, who are quite aware of your bad luck, tell you to be careful because they know how things always end... It's why right now I'm sitting in a state of purgatory. I'm in between reality and fantasy and I can't figure out which is real.

I hope against hope that all that I hope for comes true, but part of me still hesitates. Part of me holds something back because it will be easier to deal with the heartbreak when it inevitably will happen. And that is sad. That once I would give it all 100% and not be afraid, and now...I go against my very nature and hold back. Maybe because when I give it all, people leave me. It's too much for them. People aren't used to someone who gives up everything to make them happy, to love them, to help them. They don't think it is real, they think there is a catch. Just like I suppose I would if someone gave me everything they had. Why are we so jaded, Granna? Why can't we just accept that some people out there have a huge capacity to love and be loved and not to be frightened of it? Not to wait for the bad news, the catch...

I want so badly to be happy. I want so badly for this to be real. To have found someone who really does care, who is going to do what he says he is going to do, who really wants forever. But I'm fighting with myself. Fighting my nature to just give myself over completely because I'm scared. Scared this will turn out like all the rest. Things will not be what they seem and I will be lost and alone again, hurting and hating. And all I can do now is wait. Wait and see if this is real. Wait to finally give myself over or confirm my fears. Only a few more days until I go down an all-to-familiar path.

Hopefully this one will lead me somewhere instead of back to where I began.

Kim