Thursday, January 6, 2011

Dear Granna,

Can you believe it is already 2011? It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in 2000... And now 11 years later... here we are. Remember how I thought 2010 was going to be a big year of change? Well, here is 2011, and I am thinking the same old song and dance. I don't know, I keep hoping for things to change, to be better, but then I look back and nothing really changes. But it's my fault, isn't it?

I'm going through some rather interesting events right now. I visited a Psychiatrist and I was diagnosed as being manic depressive (read: bipolar)... So, I officially am crazy. I always thought it was just anxiety, I never thought it would turn into such a disorder... It makes me sad that I am so messed up. Wasn't from you, though. Apparently my Dad's Mom was pretty crazy, she killed herself when Dad was young, so there is very little I know about her. Apparently she was in and out of mental institutions her whole life. So I definitely know the crazy gene is in me. I go back again on Monday to meet with the Psychiatrist to see how I'm reacting to the new drugs. He says he wants to aggressively treat my bipolar-ism with medication and get me back on track. I just hope it works. I'm tired of feeling sad. Tired of feeling like a failure.

I know that I am the one that is in control, and I am the one who needs to make the changes, and I am trying... it just is so hard. I feel like I'm drowning and every time I break the surface, someone shoves my head back under and holds me there. Wish I had more friends who supported me. As it stands, I finally am getting rid of the people in my life that treat me poorly and use me. I don't need that. I am stronger than that. I deserve better. It was the hardest thing to do, and it still hurts, but Kyle is gone. He wanted to just be friends, said he didn't have fun with me anymore. After everything I did for him, after all the time I spent suffering to make him happy -- he never cared about me at all. Not even one bit. The moment some dumb, skinny bitch expresses interest in him, he's all over it. Not even taking into consideration of the woman who loved him through thick and thin was standing right beside him. He said he couldn't help how he felt... just like I can't help how I feel. But, I'm done feeling it. I'm done completely. Whatever he was out to accomplish, apparently he did. I am completely broken and empty. I can't trust anything a male says to me anymore, I can't even allow myself to open up to people who claim to care about me. I wont believe it. All because of some broken boy who didn't realize what he had in front of him. I'm not going to pretend like he is going to look back someday and regret. He doesn't have a heart or a soul to think about anyone but himself. He doesn't care what he does to other people, he just cares about himself. He is a selfish child, and I hate him. I know that is childish of me, but in all fairness, I think I deserve to dislike him. I deserve to realize that I was used for so long, and he will get his someday... Just like I am suffering now, I can only hope he'll feel the same thing someday and then maybe regret all of the women he has used through his life.

It just makes me sad. Makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. What is wrong with me? Why am I not lovable? Why do people use me and ditch me? Am I fat? Am I overbearing? Do I talk too much? Am I too helpful? Do I make people feel small? I just don't get it. I have always done everything to make other people happy and I never get anything out of it but heartache.

The one thing I did learn: No matter how much you love someone, how much you devote to them... you can't make someone love you.

So I'm not going to try anymore. I think I'm going to take a step back and let someone try to get me to fall in love with them for a change. Make someone work for my heart, instead of me breaking my own. I don't know, is that fair? I think so. I'm just tired of the games. Tired of the BS. Tired of being single. Tired of asshole pretending to be nice guys to get in your pants, then ditching as soon as they do. What is wrong with people? Are there any nice guys left in this world? Are there any that actually give a shit about anyone but themselves?

Aside from that life change, I'm still trying to find a new job. The attorney I work part-time for is saying he might be able to give me a full time job in a couple months once the new office gets squared away. I hope that is true. I love working for him. And I can't wait to quit this filthy job and just walk out and tell them all to pound sand. They have done nothing but cause me pain and frustration. It will bring me great joy when I can get the hell out of here and get my mind and life back under control.

So, that is an update. Hopefully things will start to look up this year. If not, at least we're all going to die in 2012... right?

Kim