Dear Granna,
I was just sitting outside thinking... Feeling jealous over the fact that Kyle has opened his heart to other women he knew he couldn't have/keep, and never trusted me enough to give it to me... And then I realized, it's not about him. It's about me. This whole experience has been about me. Some journey that I have been meant to take to strengthen me for the future. Loving Kyle has been the greatest adventure I have been on. It has helped me figure out what I want out of life, the type of person I want to be with, and ultimately that is going to make me a stronger woman and a better companion to who I end up settling down with. It may not be him. In my heart I ache for it to be him, but in the end, it just might not be him. Because this is a lesson in love. This is a lesson to love without question, to regain the heart that I have been missing for so long. To teach me to be patient and kind, through the ups and downs. To not fight the flow in which I am so prone to doing. We have had our shares of tears and laughter, fights and make-ups, nights holding each other in our arms, and nights pushing each other away. All of this has helped train me in how to communicate, how to grasp my own wants and needs, how to deal with my fears and sorrows. In a way, I fight myself every step of the way because I perceive this situation as a failure. A failure to get someone to love me, to prove myself to someone, but it's not a failure. Because it is my own choice to stay. I choose to stay. To love. To be there for someone, whether or not they choose to do the same. It is proof that the loving girl inside me hasn't been completely destroyed, and it is just going to take the right amount of time and coaxing to bring her out again, but she's still in there. I hid behind a mask of denial and pain for so long about my break-up with Nick. That there was something more I could do, and I tried to find someone to love me just as much as he did so I could prove to myself that it was worth it. But that's just it... I need to learn to love myself. It has been a hell of a journey, you know that, but I think slowly as I go I am learning to accept and love myself. To experience life with a friend who is teaching me, even though our feelings for one another are completely different. I am opening up my most intimate parts of myself to someone to teach me that it is okay to do that. That not everyone will run and hide when they find out what is inside me. Taking away the fears that someday, I will share my life, heart, and soul with someone completely.
Is that time coming soon? I don't know. There's still so much I have to work on. So much left to learn. So much love left to give. Life is about the journey. I'm walking a path that is making me stronger. And that's the best part, right?
Kim
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Dear Granna,
Time moves quickly, and slowly, when you think about it. Some moments you look back and go "where did the time go," and other moments, when you're living them, you can't wait for them to be over. August was... hard. Mostly because there were a few experiences that I don't think I will ever forget. The first one being my first car accident. Kyle and I, after spending a wonderful weekend together, were driving to go get something to BBQ while watching the football game... We were driving down El Camino Real, and a u-Haul truck was slowing to turn into a parking lot. The light was green, so I slowed to let him turn so I could drive around him and go straight. Before I know it, I look in my rear-view mirror to see a white truck barreling down on me. Having only seconds to react, I tried to turn the steering wheel to get out of the way, and then there was the impact. My mind is still clouded with what happened. I heard the squeal of his tires locking up, and then the impact of my car being forced into the u-Haul. The world became foggy and black and white when I regained consciousness, Kyle was telling me to put the car in park. I got out and my entire body was shaking, seeing the devastation that was the scene unfolding. My car sat crushed in the middle of the road, pieces of it scattered across the pavement.
My car. The thing I worked so hard to get. So hard to keep, and suddenly it was gone.
We dealt with the police, with the hospital, with insurance companies. It was a mess. My car was totaled. They gave me a cash settlement, but it would never replace the vehicle that I had been driving for four year. Mom was nice enough to sell me her Yaris. It's not the same. It gets from point A to point B, but I miss all the bells and whistles, knowing that I got this car on my own. It was one thing in my life that represented my independence that I wasn't a total loser and could afford something on my own. And it was yanked away. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of benefits to being in the accident. I got my loan paid off, so now I am going to save money each month and work on paying off my debt. It really put things into perspective on how life is so short and precious... Everyone was surprised I walked away without serious injury. For all intents and purposes, something should have broken, something should have been bleeding, I potentially could have died... But I walked away with some sprains, some bruises, potential damage to my neck and shoulder (I am going back to the doctor again to get it checked) but otherwise, nothing. I missed a week of work, and that was it.
Kyle was a good supporting shoulder the whole time. He wrapped his arms around me and protected me when I was scared, talked me through the panic attacks that ensued. It is good to know he'll be there for me when I need him... But I wish there was something more. I wish it wasn't just a game with him. That he could accept/admit his feelings for me and we could move forward. It wont happen. I have to keep telling myself that. Let go of my hope. Accept reality. It is just so hard when you've put two and a half years into someone, loved them without reserve, been there for them for every hardship and victory. He just doesn't love me back. It makes my heart ache. It makes my heart bleed. Waking up next to him, hearing him breathing, feeling his warm skin next to mine. But always having the longing. It is frustrating. After the accident his grandmother and his dog died within the same day... I was there for him. I took care of him. Just another of the many things I have done for him. And for what? Does he take it for granted?
Still trying to move on. Still trying to find a better companion. Everyone I go out with doesn't compare. I try to let go. I try to move on. My expectations are just so high, I know what I want and it is frustrating that I haven't found anyone to match me so well. The search continues however.
Needless to say, August was... well, it was. Just have to keep on trucking. Keep on living. That's the way it goes, isn't it?
Kim
Time moves quickly, and slowly, when you think about it. Some moments you look back and go "where did the time go," and other moments, when you're living them, you can't wait for them to be over. August was... hard. Mostly because there were a few experiences that I don't think I will ever forget. The first one being my first car accident. Kyle and I, after spending a wonderful weekend together, were driving to go get something to BBQ while watching the football game... We were driving down El Camino Real, and a u-Haul truck was slowing to turn into a parking lot. The light was green, so I slowed to let him turn so I could drive around him and go straight. Before I know it, I look in my rear-view mirror to see a white truck barreling down on me. Having only seconds to react, I tried to turn the steering wheel to get out of the way, and then there was the impact. My mind is still clouded with what happened. I heard the squeal of his tires locking up, and then the impact of my car being forced into the u-Haul. The world became foggy and black and white when I regained consciousness, Kyle was telling me to put the car in park. I got out and my entire body was shaking, seeing the devastation that was the scene unfolding. My car sat crushed in the middle of the road, pieces of it scattered across the pavement.
My car. The thing I worked so hard to get. So hard to keep, and suddenly it was gone.
We dealt with the police, with the hospital, with insurance companies. It was a mess. My car was totaled. They gave me a cash settlement, but it would never replace the vehicle that I had been driving for four year. Mom was nice enough to sell me her Yaris. It's not the same. It gets from point A to point B, but I miss all the bells and whistles, knowing that I got this car on my own. It was one thing in my life that represented my independence that I wasn't a total loser and could afford something on my own. And it was yanked away. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of benefits to being in the accident. I got my loan paid off, so now I am going to save money each month and work on paying off my debt. It really put things into perspective on how life is so short and precious... Everyone was surprised I walked away without serious injury. For all intents and purposes, something should have broken, something should have been bleeding, I potentially could have died... But I walked away with some sprains, some bruises, potential damage to my neck and shoulder (I am going back to the doctor again to get it checked) but otherwise, nothing. I missed a week of work, and that was it.
Kyle was a good supporting shoulder the whole time. He wrapped his arms around me and protected me when I was scared, talked me through the panic attacks that ensued. It is good to know he'll be there for me when I need him... But I wish there was something more. I wish it wasn't just a game with him. That he could accept/admit his feelings for me and we could move forward. It wont happen. I have to keep telling myself that. Let go of my hope. Accept reality. It is just so hard when you've put two and a half years into someone, loved them without reserve, been there for them for every hardship and victory. He just doesn't love me back. It makes my heart ache. It makes my heart bleed. Waking up next to him, hearing him breathing, feeling his warm skin next to mine. But always having the longing. It is frustrating. After the accident his grandmother and his dog died within the same day... I was there for him. I took care of him. Just another of the many things I have done for him. And for what? Does he take it for granted?
Still trying to move on. Still trying to find a better companion. Everyone I go out with doesn't compare. I try to let go. I try to move on. My expectations are just so high, I know what I want and it is frustrating that I haven't found anyone to match me so well. The search continues however.
Needless to say, August was... well, it was. Just have to keep on trucking. Keep on living. That's the way it goes, isn't it?
Kim
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