Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Dear Granna,

Time moves quickly, and slowly, when you think about it. Some moments you look back and go "where did the time go," and other moments, when you're living them, you can't wait for them to be over. August was... hard. Mostly because there were a few experiences that I don't think I will ever forget. The first one being my first car accident. Kyle and I, after spending a wonderful weekend together, were driving to go get something to BBQ while watching the football game... We were driving down El Camino Real, and a u-Haul truck was slowing to turn into a parking lot. The light was green, so I slowed to let him turn so I could drive around him and go straight. Before I know it, I look in my rear-view mirror to see a white truck barreling down on me. Having only seconds to react, I tried to turn the steering wheel to get out of the way, and then there was the impact. My mind is still clouded with what happened. I heard the squeal of his tires locking up, and then the impact of my car being forced into the u-Haul. The world became foggy and black and white when I regained consciousness, Kyle was telling me to put the car in park. I got out and my entire body was shaking, seeing the devastation that was the scene unfolding. My car sat crushed in the middle of the road, pieces of it scattered across the pavement.

My car. The thing I worked so hard to get. So hard to keep, and suddenly it was gone.

We dealt with the police, with the hospital, with insurance companies. It was a mess. My car was totaled. They gave me a cash settlement, but it would never replace the vehicle that I had been driving for four year. Mom was nice enough to sell me her Yaris. It's not the same. It gets from point A to point B, but I miss all the bells and whistles, knowing that I got this car on my own. It was one thing in my life that represented my independence that I wasn't a total loser and could afford something on my own. And it was yanked away. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of benefits to being in the accident. I got my loan paid off, so now I am going to save money each month and work on paying off my debt. It really put things into perspective on how life is so short and precious... Everyone was surprised I walked away without serious injury. For all intents and purposes, something should have broken, something should have been bleeding, I potentially could have died... But I walked away with some sprains, some bruises, potential damage to my neck and shoulder (I am going back to the doctor again to get it checked) but otherwise, nothing. I missed a week of work, and that was it.

Kyle was a good supporting shoulder the whole time. He wrapped his arms around me and protected me when I was scared, talked me through the panic attacks that ensued. It is good to know he'll be there for me when I need him... But I wish there was something more. I wish it wasn't just a game with him. That he could accept/admit his feelings for me and we could move forward. It wont happen. I have to keep telling myself that. Let go of my hope. Accept reality. It is just so hard when you've put two and a half years into someone, loved them without reserve, been there for them for every hardship and victory. He just doesn't love me back. It makes my heart ache. It makes my heart bleed. Waking up next to him, hearing him breathing, feeling his warm skin next to mine. But always having the longing. It is frustrating. After the accident his grandmother and his dog died within the same day... I was there for him. I took care of him. Just another of the many things I have done for him. And for what? Does he take it for granted?

Still trying to move on. Still trying to find a better companion. Everyone I go out with doesn't compare. I try to let go. I try to move on. My expectations are just so high, I know what I want and it is frustrating that I haven't found anyone to match me so well. The search continues however.

Needless to say, August was... well, it was. Just have to keep on trucking. Keep on living. That's the way it goes, isn't it?

Kim