Thursday, September 2, 2010

Dear Granna,

I was just sitting outside thinking... Feeling jealous over the fact that Kyle has opened his heart to other women he knew he couldn't have/keep, and never trusted me enough to give it to me... And then I realized, it's not about him. It's about me. This whole experience has been about me. Some journey that I have been meant to take to strengthen me for the future. Loving Kyle has been the greatest adventure I have been on. It has helped me figure out what I want out of life, the type of person I want to be with, and ultimately that is going to make me a stronger woman and a better companion to who I end up settling down with. It may not be him. In my heart I ache for it to be him, but in the end, it just might not be him. Because this is a lesson in love. This is a lesson to love without question, to regain the heart that I have been missing for so long. To teach me to be patient and kind, through the ups and downs. To not fight the flow in which I am so prone to doing. We have had our shares of tears and laughter, fights and make-ups, nights holding each other in our arms, and nights pushing each other away. All of this has helped train me in how to communicate, how to grasp my own wants and needs, how to deal with my fears and sorrows. In a way, I fight myself every step of the way because I perceive this situation as a failure. A failure to get someone to love me, to prove myself to someone, but it's not a failure. Because it is my own choice to stay. I choose to stay. To love. To be there for someone, whether or not they choose to do the same. It is proof that the loving girl inside me hasn't been completely destroyed, and it is just going to take the right amount of time and coaxing to bring her out again, but she's still in there. I hid behind a mask of denial and pain for so long about my break-up with Nick. That there was something more I could do, and I tried to find someone to love me just as much as he did so I could prove to myself that it was worth it. But that's just it... I need to learn to love myself. It has been a hell of a journey, you know that, but I think slowly as I go I am learning to accept and love myself. To experience life with a friend who is teaching me, even though our feelings for one another are completely different. I am opening up my most intimate parts of myself to someone to teach me that it is okay to do that. That not everyone will run and hide when they find out what is inside me. Taking away the fears that someday, I will share my life, heart, and soul with someone completely.

Is that time coming soon? I don't know. There's still so much I have to work on. So much left to learn. So much love left to give. Life is about the journey. I'm walking a path that is making me stronger. And that's the best part, right?

Kim