Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dear Granna,

It never ceases to amaze me when you consider someone your friend, and then suddenly they become your worst enemy. Let me correct that, suddenly -I- become their worst enemy. You know me, you know I am a good person, I do things for people that put myself in debt, I drain myself emotionally and physically trying to make other people happy, and every time I do that, down the road, their use for me is up, and I become the bad guy. It never ends. The one person I tried to hold on to, tried to help, support, love, care for, motivate... She decided that I am not worth anything. It all stemmed from me trying to get my computer back that I loaned her out of the goodness of my heart because she was struggling in school and her broke. Two months later, I am still fighting to get it back, but she was making excuses, ignoring me, not showing up to designated places when she said she would bring it to me -- I finally had enough. I went to her house, opened her bedroom door and woke her up, taking back what is mine, and delivering back clothes she had given me, which she claims she had only loaned me. Sadly, I missed a couple items because I wasn't quite thorough enough, and suddenly, true colors begin to show.

She accuses me of holding her clothes ransom, trying to steal from her, being deceitful, being a liar, being the devil. I told her I would mail her her belonging, or leave them out for her to retrieve, to which she didn't respond. How am I the enemy here? It was not my intention to take anything from her. Unlike her intention of trying to keep what was mine and waiting for me to throw my arms up in frustration. Why is it when I start standing up for myself, that people always have to blow up and become bigger monsters?

Regardless, I don't know how to resolve this. If I mail it, I can track it, make sure it is delivered and be done with it. If I leave it out, it potentially can be stolen, and then who is the bad guy again? She is acting like a child. Like someone just kicked sand in her face and she's going to pick up her toys and go somewhere else to play.

I am getting too old for this. I am focusing on two jobs right now, trying to get my life balanced out, pay down some debt, stand on my two feet again and get ahead... And people have to piss all over me because they can't accomplish what I can. It's tiring. Disappointing. The fact that people like that even exist make me sad, and cold. It makes me not want to trust or open up to anyone ever again. Because it always ends up the same. Someone is going to take advantage of me and hurt me, even though I do everything to please them. I'm tired of trying to please people and just getting hurt. Maybe I should cling to being alone, I just don't like it. I like sharing my life with people, but it is a shame that none of them are worth it. My friends I can count on one hand, and even then, I don't know to what extent our friendship extends. I guess I should just stop hoping and expecting people to be good.

I'm sorry for not writing sooner. Things have been busy. I have been struggling. But that is life, isn't it? One big struggle. I'm waiting for something good to happen for me... All of the things I want always seem just a hair too far from me. It's like I can almost reach them, but my fingers are just not long enough to grasp it. Instead I brush against it and knock it back further.

Will it ever get easier?

Kim